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furious_rose's avatar

Have you ever met, or been in a relationship with a true narcissist?

Asked by furious_rose (468points) December 6th, 2019

I recently ended a two-year relationship with a narcissist, and to say that it was traumatic is an understatement! I’m very eager to hear about other people’s experiences with narcissists because I think it will help me with the healing process. How long did it take you to realize that the other person was a narcissist and wasn’t just a little “different?” Did you suffer any kind of emotional, physical, verbal or financial abuse at the hands of the narcissist? If you left the relationship, what finally made you leave?

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19 Answers

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

There is only room for two in a relationship and with a narcissist there would be three. The narcissist is already with a relationship with himself.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Not any more.
Always had for himself anything that he wanted while we suffered.
Him first, entertainments,alcohol,his activities, his career plans only.
Never took responsibility in the marriage,left everything for me to handle, even when I worked 98 % of the years that we were married.
Took many heartbreaks, disappointments,sacrifices before I took control and handed him his divorce papers.

SergeantQueen's avatar

Yes. I semi- recently got out of a relationship with someone who, although isn’t diagnosed, probably a narcissist (and this is according to therapists and counselors I’ve talked to)
It wasn’t until a month after we broke up that I realized something was seriously wrong with him. In the days after the breakup, I obsessively read through old conversations, realizing all the red flags that I missed. I won’t go into detail on any of them, but there were a lot. He was very emotionally abusive, and gas lighting is his favorite thing to do that he still does to me now. He lies and lies and lies and he’s never going to realize how he acted was wrong.

I’ve left the relationship 8 months ago (well, he broke up with me because he found someone else) and I still struggle with getting him out of my life forever… He messages me and I still respond and it’s driving me crazy yet I just can’t do the obvious. I do not feel like I am strong enough, I’m really not.

It’s tough process @furious_rose It really is and I won’t lie. I don’t really have much to offer but feel free to private message me.

canidmajor's avatar

This is why I estranged myself from my mother.

stanleybmanly's avatar

Yes. But the affair was so short lived that “relationship” needs honing. She was very pretty and strove ceaselessly for an existence built solely on that fact. It’s rather a profound thing for a young man to discover that an attribute coveted universally should be so ruinous and debilitating.

gondwanalon's avatar

Pretty sure that my niece is a narcissist. She is all about I, me and my in her never ending run-on sentences with no paragraphs that she writes on fb. She is absolutely incapable of saying “thank you” no matter how generous some is to her. She often writes negative, weird and angry things about the world and points to others as the source of her problems. I never responded to her when she vented or lashed out about others and situations. I only responded positively when she wrote something reasonable or positive (which was few and far between). I never wrote anything negative about her on fb yet she un-friended me. Why? I guess the I wasn’t stroking her ego enough. Also I stopped wasting my time on fb. Too boring.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

It took awhile but I finally figured out what he was and left.
Covert narcissists are a pain in the ass too.

LadyMarissa's avatar

Nobody was labeled back when I married mine. What HE wanted was more important than what anybody else needed. He spent a minimum of an hour every morning styling his hair & then he used a whole can of hair spray to make sure it stayed looking perfect for the rest of the day. When he came home at night (always after the last bar closed) everything better look perfect or he was going to beat somebody’s ass…mine as I was the ONLY other person living there except for his 3 y/o daughter.

He treated me like a queen until about a week after we were married & suddenly I couldn’t do anything right. About 3 months after we were married, he started in with the girlfriends. He kept talking about bringing one of them home so he could watch the 2 of us having “fun”. Since there was NO way to stop him from going out, I was just thankful that he stayed out with them as I didn’t care to participate. My list of excuses for WHY I had a new bruise got so long that I couldn’t remember which one I had used last.

The girlfriends & the beatings went on for years. When they became more frequent & more severe, I went to the local sheriff’s office to see what alternative I had. The cop laughed at me & told me that since I had married him that I was now his property & there was nothing that they nor I could do unless he killed me & then they could arrest him for murder. That unnerved me. Next time I called home, I shared with my Mom what was going on. She told me that my family didn’t believe in divorce & she had told me to NOT marry him. Since I had chosen to NOT listen, she felt it was up to me to learn how to make him happy enough to leave me alone. Then she said “Make the best of it girl”. He wouldn’t allow me to have any friends, so I had absolutely NO one to turn to. At one point, he latched onto one girl that he liked & they became a full-time couple. I later learned that he met her the day before she was to get married & he talked her out of marrying the guy because he loved her & wanted her for himself. She didn’t show up for her wedding because he asked her not to. She learned on Christmas Eve that year that he had a wife & child much to her dismay.

Their affair became so blatant that it was impossible to ignore. He came home one night after being out for the weekend with her & beat me for having a boyfriend. A few days later I come home to find that he had thrown her a birthday party at our home & had screwed her in my bed. He went so far as to place her used panties under my pillow & expected me to clean up the trash from the birthday party. At that point, I decided that I could NOT stay any longer & I started looking for a place to live. After I found a decent place that I could afford, I told him I was leaving. He hugged me & told me how much he loved me & how much he wanted me to stay. When I didn’t back down on leaving, he grabbed me by the throat & told me that he’d kill me IF I tried to leave. Where the words came from I’ll NEVER know but I told him “You can’t kill me because I’m dead already…ending my life would be a blessing for me”. He said that he didn’t want me to move & that he’d move out. Then he did NOTHING toward finding a place to live, so I started circling in the newspaper good places he could afford. By week 3, he realized that I was serious & he found a place for himself & his girlfriend right across the street from where we were living.

Any time they came home around the same time that I was getting home, he made sure to give her a big old kiss…just so I could see it. He ALWAYS seemed to sense when I had a date because he’d show up to threaten me as to what would happen IF I went on my date. By then I was regaining some of my self confidence & I ignored him & still went out & had a good time. It was sooo nice to be with someone who treated me like a lady & NEVER once threatened to hit me!!!

Once out, I couldn’t consider ever going back. I saved up my money & filed for divorce. I didn’t want to complicate things so I asked for NOTHING except that I get my maiden name back as I NO longer wanted to be identified by his name!!! I got my divorce & I NEVER looked back!!!

ucme's avatar

Luckily, no!
I would tell them to go fuck themselves, something I’m sure they’d relish.

LadyMarissa's avatar

@ucme They ONLY enjoy fucking themselves when it’s THEIR idea. When it’s your idea, it overshadows their self-love which doesn’t pleasure them!!!

stanleybmanly's avatar

@LadyMarissa The man lived without fear of retribution? I should think him terrified to fall asleep with you in the house.

LadyMarissa's avatar

@stanleybmanly He feared it daily, so he ALWAYS reminded me just before bedtime that IF I was entertaining thoughts of killing him that I best do it right because IF he survived, I’d pray to die before he finished punishing me. I NEVER tried killing him NOT out of fear of him punishing me, but out of fear of going to jail for the rest of my life & he really was NOT worth going to jail for!!!

In his mind he didn’t die because I feared him & in my mind I knew better!!! ;]

furious_rose's avatar

Thank you for being so candid in your replies. It has been really hard for me to get over the events of the past few weeks. Although I finally broke free from the toxic relationship I was in, it’s still something that’s on my mind almost every waking minute.

Narcissists actively seek out people like me because I have weak boundaries, so I have to take some responsibility in how things turned out.

If there’s a silver lining to any of this, I realized that I’m stronger than I thought I was!

In the past, I would end up apologizing for things that weren’t my fault, and admitting to things that he had accused me of, even though I didn’t do them. It was pretty pathetic!

I refused to do it this time. He always said I liked to “play the victim,” but he’s wrong. I’m a survivor!

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@furious_rose -I’ve noticed that THEY play the victim very well.
There is so much to read online about these disordered individuals. Look into sociopaths and you will have hit the motherload.

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