Social Question

pinksunrise2020's avatar

Boyfriend that doesn’t know his limits?

Asked by pinksunrise2020 (10points) 1 month ago from iPhone

So I met my boyfriend when he was a club host(28). At the time I was underage (20)with a fake ID, and have been out a decent amount of times but never really enjoyed drinking like that, I’m very chill and prefer to be healthy/ working / resting . As a host he’s required to take his clients out… it goes without saying our lifestyles are VERY different. I work nights and never go out, where he went out every weekend…got trashed, did coke , and would recklessly gamble. There’s been countless times where he’s come home to me very late . Like 6–7am late trashed continuing to drink. I just never understood it…. why can’t he just drink without getting fucked up. I cannot stand when he gets trashed and sloppy. I feel like I’m playing babysitter. He recently lost his job, so yes he’s been home more… not drinking etc . But also the corona virus is going on right now which prevents him from drinking/ going out . We spoke about the coke and he promised me he’d never do it again. Overall, I feel as though my boyfriend who is in his late 20’s is still maturing while I am way past that stage and don’t understand it. I want somebody I can grow with… buy a home with.. not be with somebody who is still up partying at 7am. We had a small get together and for the first time in a while… I seen him regress to his old ways . I enjoyed one beer and went upstairs to do school work .. hours later he’s shit faced. Picking fights, being sloppy, throwing up…. he even told me to “shut the fuck up” while he was drunk. When I told him I won’t tolerate that, he said he didn’t remember. I don’t think I can handle this behavior for much longer . I tried to overlook the red flags but they aren’t going away with time which is pretty scary considering I love the guy. I feel hurt , sad and very conflicted . I feel like he can never be the man I want him to be…... I just see so many potential problems dating and even marrying somebody like him. I am looking for something real and I don’t know if he’s mature enough to make a lifestyle change . He says he wants to get out of night life… but also mentions going back to another club. What makes me think anything will change… nothing probably will .

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14 Answers

snowberry's avatar

It’s not going to get better, and it’s unfortunate that you chose to live together at this time. Is there anyway you can get out of there?

janbb's avatar

This is not a guy to stay invested in. You sound very together and can find someone who will want what you want. Get out of it as soon as you can and then mend your hurt.

Welcome to Fluther – we can give you support..

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

“I feel like he can never be the man I want him to be”
You are right.

zenvelo's avatar

…I tried to overlook the red flags but they aren’t going away with time

The flags are red for a reason, they don’t go away without a dramatic change in the person, a change that has nothing to do with you other than you getting rid of him.

Dump the motherfucker already. And go attend some Al-Anon meetings to address your codependency.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Are you in Japan? This seems to be a common theme with club hosts and they generally dont do well in relationships. Good luck.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Honestly, you either accept and love someone for who they are in this moment or the best thing to do is move on. Trying to hope they’ll change (without them being currently invested in changing for their own reasons) is unfair to both of you. Unfortunately, it sounds like he does not know his limits but the good thing is that it sounds like you do know yours. And you should respect that, honor yourself, deep down you know this isn’t a life you want.

pinksunrise2020's avatar

I agree with all of the above . He def drinks like an alcoholic but I’m unsure if he really does have a problem. I do not live with him tho FYI. I forgot mention how great he is, boyfriend wise. He loves me dearly which I can see, but I do find myself questioning how similar we are, and if things really can workout with his lifestyle / ways .

janbb's avatar

If he is throwing up and blacking out he has a problem and he is an alcoholic. You will be loved by someone who is much more functional in time. Let this one go – however painful it may be.

pinksunrise2020's avatar

Aw thank you so much… I feel the same way. I love the man to death, but honestly I know I can thrive with or without him. I don’t need him . We had a little argument yesterday, and I’m going to bring it up. It doesn’t help that he freaks out rather than communicating with me but it’s worth a shot…. I will tell him that if he potentially chooses to find a new job in night life again, that I can’t do this…. because him getting drunk last night as I explained previously… is just a preview of how he will be when he is employed again.

Patty_Melt's avatar

Everyone here is right to say you should leave him. There is one aspect though which has not been addressed. You mentioned maturity, and I want you to understand his behavior has nothing at all to do with maturity.

He is a damaged person. Alcoholism is not an issue of maturity, but a condition of physical and psychological impairment people can’t just grow out of. He has no chance of improving his life so long as he has someone trying to help him who isn’t professionally trained for it..
What he feels for you is not love, it is dependence. He won’t understand that until he gets sober, and maintains sobriety long enough. Sobriety will never come until he wants it bad enough for himself to admit it to himself and others.

You are not right for him. He is not right for you.

Think of it this way, if you love flowers, and you always have fresh cut flowers at home, and one day you find a beautiful new flower, and you bring home a bouquet. Later you realize it is making you miserable. You find out you are allergic. It is not your fault. It is not the flower’s fault. You don’t want to throw them out because they really are beautiful. You’d be nuts to keep them, and there are other pretty flowers to choose from.
It might be a sad parting, but it will never be better together.

I’m sorry you have this to deal with.

snowberry's avatar

He will never be able to know what he’s like when drunk or on drugs. Unfortunately only the people observing him get to see it. He’ll always minimize his behavior because to him it’s not a big deal. Trust your gut- and us. It IS a big deal. Get away from him as soon as you can, and do not leave a forwarding address. Cut ties completely.

Dutchess_III's avatar

He sounds like an alcoholic. Leave him.

Zaku's avatar

Answer = dump alcoholic boyfriend

gorillapaws's avatar

“...I tried to overlook the red flags…”

NEVER overlook red flags. Move on (and don’t look back).

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