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Maebear's avatar

I need relationship advice please!

Asked by Maebear (10points) October 7th, 2020 from iPhone

Me and my boyfriend have been together for three years now and sadly I’m just not attracted to him anymore, we have fun together but I’m progressively thinking of him more as a best friend. I’m scared to leave as this has been my first serious relationship and he makes me feel safe but I feel like I need more than that from a relationship. Over the last few months I’ve began to have feelings for his best friend and I guess it could be out of pure subconscious boredom, but he’s a really lovely guy and I CANNOT get him out of my head no matter how hard I try. I know this is really harsh on my boyfriend, but I’ve been trying to pass it off as a silly thing that doesn’t mean anything and is normal, but I’m starting to like him more and more and I’m not sure what to do, I know really I need to leave my boyfriend because although I really do love him, I don’t think I love him in the right sort of way. But when/if I leave him, should I tell his friend how I feel? I don’t want to regret not trying but I also don’t want to hurt myself.
Someone help please!

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8 Answers

gorillapaws's avatar

Welcome to Fluther!

Breaking up with your boyfriend and then trying to date his best friend sounds like a wonderful way to try to fuck up his friendship.

“I know this is really harsh on my boyfriend”
Yeah, it is. And that’s putting it politely. If you want to move on, that’s your perogative, but don’t try to drive a wedge between the guy and his best friend. That’s just cold-blooded.

kritiper's avatar

Life is tough and then you have to do the break-up thing. Be honest with him, tell him you still want to be friends, and move on. After all, you have to take care of #1, yourself, first.
Honesty is always the best policy.

LadyMarissa's avatar


IF you’re dissatisfied with your bf, move on. NO matter what you decide to do there, STAY AWAY from his best friend!!! It is totally WRONG to mess with his bf while still dating him & it is even MORE WRONG to mess with his best friend after making him your best friend!!! Think for a second…he dumps you & starts dating “your” best girl friend. It will HURT LIKE HELL & it will hurt him worse after telling him that you want him to be your best friend. You DON’T screw over your best friend!!!

Many a young girl asks the Q on here…“I dumped my boyfriend & I realize now that I made a mistake. How do I get him back?” You might consider “taking a break” from the current relationship & see where it goes. FORGET the current boyfriend’s best friend!!!

My cousin stole his best friend’s wife. He lost a very good friend & his new wife divorced him 2 years later & moved on to another of his friends. To this day he wishes that he had NEVER given in to his lust!!!

zenvelo's avatar

ALL relationships end (even the beautiful forever marriage relationships end when one person dies). So gently break up and tell him thanks, but it is time for you both to move on.

Maintaining a friendship is a nice idea, but do not be surprised if he cuts you off from all communication, since that is often the healthiest thing to do after a break up.

jca2's avatar

If you break up with him, don’t hit on his friend.

Kropotkin's avatar

Tell his friend first and see if you can have a relationship with him behind your current boyfriend’s back.

What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Go on your own and maybe a year from now “if” still interested in that friend or your present boyfriend then and only then make a move on either of them.

Find out more about what YOU need in a relationship to be happy instead of bouncing from one toto the other.( which is what a “player does”.

Generally after two to three years if marriage isn’t discussed nor wanted then move on, you two are just keeping together until another catches your fancy.

Improve your life and do the things that you had always wanted to accomplish , travel to, interests in Art,Sports, or Music, do them now before you are saddled with a few children and an less energy to do those things.

Pandora's avatar

If he’s not the guy for you then move on. Trying to date his friend will probably just end up with you having no boyfriend and your boyfriend and his friend broken up as well.

It may be the grass is greener on the other side syndrome, or you are just in a rut. Because his friend is a challenge then he is more of an interest to you. Bet if you two ever got together it wouldn’t be long before you got bored.

People often attach their boredom to someone with their own life. Are you really bord with him or yourself? People get into ruts and instead of trying to work on making daily life more interesting, they blame the other person they are with. Are you interesting? What are you doing to liven up your life?

Problem with relationships is for some reason people believe that all there is to them is hot passion. That eventually dies when you feel you’ve done everything you can, but it comes and goes in waves. The best thing you can do is either fight and hash it all out because sometimes that helps to reset a relationship. Or find new things to do together and to do apart as well so you aren’t relying on him for your happiness and well being. (Only don’t have a kid to save the relationship in case it is a sinking disaster.)

But if you really want to totally screw everyone over, break up with him and try to get with his friend. Who may actually only be really nice to you because you are someone important to his best friend. If you decide to break up then do that and wait sometime before getting with someone else, because it may just be you aren’t the type to commit. No shame in that. But before getting in the next relationship you may want to take a good look at what you really want and expect from a relationship. It will spare a lot of hurt feelings and wasted time trying to mold your life to something you really don’t want. I know people who are happiest when they are alone.

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