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MaisyS's avatar

Can I get a fresh opinion on my poetry?

Asked by MaisyS (734points) November 11th, 2020

So a little over a year ago, I posted some poems here and the response was…not great. You can see it here yourself:
https://www.fluther.com/215510/which-of-these-poems-is-the-best-in-your-opinion-and/
It was, however, undeniably helpful, and has shaped the way I write. So I thought it would be cool to come back with some of my latest poems to get fresh opinions and see if I’ve improved. It would also mean so much to me if @flutherother @Patty_Melt and @gorillapaws gave me their opinions because they were the ones to originally comment. If anyone knows them can you please tell them I’m asking for their opinion again if they would be kind enough to give it?

The first poem is called You Broke Me:
They ask me why I’m silenced
I tell them I’m not; I’m civil
They ask me why I’m sad
I say I’m not; I’m conforming

There was a time when I ran free
When my voice was carried by the ocean breeze
When I ground wildflowers between my teeth
And built my house among the trees

I’d throw my head back and drink from the skies
I looked at the world through clear eyes
And coloured myself all the hues of the sunrise

And I’d run barefoot and dance in the rain
And when it thundered I’d scream my name
So the lightning would know it ran in my veins

And then they caught me-

They ask why I’m silenced
And I think “You taught me,”
They ask why I’m sad
And I think “You broke me”.

And the second is called The Cosmos:
I’m not usually like this
Raw, screaming, torn open.
When I bleed it’s usually onto paper
Through a pen
But today I cut my veins
And let them pour into the ocean.
I let the metallic tang of iron and salt
Remind me I’m human
And as such, I am gritty and sharp
I stand tall.

Flecks of foam on my skin, on my lips
Sand in my hair, I take small sips
Of the starlight infused night air
And I wonder why I sit here,
By the ocean.
Wonder what I did to deserve this
When I’m so broken and small
And lonely and lost.
I’m one tiny voice hidden behind a million larger ones.

Yet I feel an acute emptiness
Like I’m so large I could just open my chest
And fill it with mountains and trees
And auroras and seas
But still be empty
Because everything is not enough for me.

I sit in rust coloured waves
Masked by darkness, drinking starlight
And staring at the moon’s pale, benign face
And I wish I could let the Cosmos penetrate my existence
But perhaps
It already does.

And in the vein of my previous post; which one is your favourite?

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13 Answers

janbb's avatar

It sounds like the poetry of adolescent pain. As such, it could probably gain an audience in teen literary publications. As mature poetry, it is a little hackneyed, but keep writing. I would suggest joining a writers’ group and getting feedback from other writers.

gondwanalon's avatar

I like it. Very good. It’s captivating. Made me stop to try to understand the struggle.

MaisyS's avatar

@janbb that would probably be because I am 16 haha. Adolescent pain is what I’m all about. Thank you for responding.

janbb's avatar

@MaisyS That’s what I figured. It wasn’t a put down.

LostInParadise's avatar

I liked the poem, but I think it could use a little tightening. It reminds me of this poem, which does a great job of creating a certain mood.

MaisyS's avatar

@LostInParadise thank you for responding! Tightening how? Would you mind specifying just a bit more? :))
@janbb I’m glad you commented :)) everyone’s opinion on my work is worth it to me.

LostInParadise's avatar

I think the final four stanzas could be made shorter and also tied together more with the preceding stanzas. There needs to be some sense, even if vague and poetic, of what “they” did to break you. Just saying that they caught you is insufficient motivation.

MaisyS's avatar

@LostInParadise oh okay. I intended for the first stanza to serve the purpose of what was done to me. I was made civil and conforming, or in the view of “them”, silent and sad. I’m not sure if you saw that stanza? But if you did, can you please tell me how to make it more impactful? Should I repeat those sentiments at the end again?
And about the middle stanzas, I see what you mean. Thank you once again.

LostInParadise's avatar

I kind of got what you are saying, but I have a problem with the imagery. There is nothing that suggests conforming or acting civil. You say that you could fill yourself up with mountains and trees and auroras and seas. Is that what everyone else does? Is this what you mean by being civil? In what way have you been constrained? Most importantly, are you being forced by others to behave in a certain way, or have you regretfully achieved some level of maturity that has changed your viewpoint?

MaisyS's avatar

@LostInParadise ohh you’re merging the two poems together. There’s two separate poems. One called the Cosmos (auroras and seas one) and another called You Broke Me (the conforming and civil one). This is not one poem but two, hence me asking which is your favourite in the end :))

LostInParadise's avatar

Sorry I missed that. Now it makes much more sense. I prefer the first one. The second one should be made shorter.

MaisyS's avatar

@LostInParadise :)) no worries, and thank you for taking so much time to respond to a stranger! I appreciate it.

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