Social Question

Mimishu1995's avatar

Am I wrong for feeling so uncomfortable at his messages (details inside)

Asked by Mimishu1995 (18844points) 1 month ago

The guy in question is a former middle school classmate of mine. He had an undiagnosed mental problem that rendered his mental age much younger than his peers. He had a crush on me back in the day. I don’t know about his mental condition at the moment, but it seems that he is doing well.

A couple of weeks ago he found me on FB and messaged me. He asked how I was doing. I replied and he started asking things like what job I’m doing and where my workplace is. He just kept on asking these short questions. I stopped replying when he asked if I have got married because I was just feeling exhausted of answering his questions.

A few minutes ago he sent me a message wishing me a good Women’s day. I said thanks and he immediately went back to the question of whether I got married. I said no and he asked how my brother is doing. I still haven’t replied to him yet because I just feel so uncomfortable.

I get it, he is trying to be nice by being interested in me, and he means no harm at all. But I just can’t help feeling so uncomfortable at his questions. Why do I feel this way over his messages?

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18 Answers

jca2's avatar

I think when the conversation is one sided and nothing but questions it sounds intrusive, aggressive and nosy.

I would probably answer with something pleasant that sends the message that you’re busy, without answering the present question. Something like “I’m very busy now getting ready for work. Have a great day.”

Smashley's avatar

I think you probably feel uncomfortable because this guy seems to be poorly flirting with you, and your perceptions of his cognition make you feel like you can’t treat him like an”normal” person and decline or tell him off. Perhaps how you feel about his brain function has a lot to do with why you can’t make conversation with him.

Assume that he’s just like you, with needs, wants, and failings, and be direct. Too many questions? His interest in you is not mutual? Say so. If he is autistic or otherwise cognitively different, his understanding might benefit from the direct approach, anyways.

stanleybmanly's avatar

No you aren’t wrong for feeling embarrassed at the awkwardness of your schoolmate who obviously is short on social skills. It falls on you to decide on whether to do him the kindness of communicating further with him. I should think that he is almost certainly low on the number of people willing to converse with him. Have you asked him if he has contacted others of your classmates? Steer the conversation toward such questions about himself. Ask why he is looking you up at this particular time.

si3tech's avatar

@Mimishu1995 I think you are right to feel uncomfortable. Embarrassed/awkward.

KNOWITALL's avatar

I don’t see much harm in messaging him a few times and being kind, likely he’s lacking that in his life with his peers. Being uncomfortable is often a sign of growth, you just have to push through it.
Of course if it gets inappropriate in any way, you can certainly just say you’re uncomfortable with so many questions and wish him well politely.

KRD's avatar

If you feel so uncomfortable try blocking him.

janbb's avatar

If you’re uncomfortable, there’s nothing wrong with letting him down gently. You could say you’re very busy with work and studies and you’re sorry but you don’t have time to be messaging with him now. You don’t have to answer his questions which do sound like he’s interested in you.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Damn girl! Lie! Tell him you’re married!

SQUEEKY2's avatar

I agree with @Dutchess_III and tell him your husband benchpresses suv’s as a hobby.

flutherother's avatar

His messages are intrusive and don’t respect your personal boundaries. I would give a polite response after a delay but you are under no obligation to answer his inappropriate questions.

Mimishu1995's avatar

@Smashley I don’t recall being uncomfortable about his mental problem I used to in middle school, but not now, and besides, I did say I think he’s doing well, so I’m assuming that he has enough mental capacity to act like an adult. I think it’s more about him flirting with me.

@stanleybmanly I’m not sure about his social circle, but his FB page has a very low number of likes and comments. Some posts don’t even have comments at all. And the guy posts very frequently too. I’m not using FB to judge people’s popularity, but it does provide a glimpse into how much people care about him.

I think I’ll come back to him and tell him to talk about himself. At least I will get to know what he’s up to now. If he continues to make me uncomfortable, then I will have to stop talking to him.

sadiesayit's avatar

Sounds like you have a plan, so this may not be helpful at this point, but here are my two cents…

If you want to keep having a conversation or off-and-on communication with him, you may want to think about some ways that you are comfortable voicing and setting boundaries so that if you again find yourself uncomfortable with the direction of conversation, your only option isn’t to stop talking to him entirely (of course, if you want to stop talking with him entirely that’s your prerogative, and do that.)

If he asks you a question you’re not comfortable answering, how do you want to respond? Would you want to say something as direct as “I’m not comfortable talking about that,” or “let’s please change the subject”? Or would you want to redirect by shifting to another topic without answering? Or another strategy?

And if the litany of short, increasingly personal questions is exhausting, but you’d like to keep an ongoing dialogue on lighter and longer topics, you might want to think of a topic or question with more conversation potential (it sounds like he needs help with this—his questions are not conversation starters).

And if the pace of the conversation is too much, you can interject at some point that you can’t keep up that kind of pace, and your responses will be slower/less frequent.

Inspired_2write's avatar

As everyone stated above, that this conversation is one sided also he is getting answers about

where you work, are you married etc so I would be careful of him showing up at your work etc

Maybe by asking about YOU he thinks and most likely hopes that YOU would be interested

in him enough to inquire about him. By doing so it would validate his feeling that YOU like

him or perhaps care about him?

After all if one doesn’t show interest in another the conversation becomes one sided and leads nowhere.
So if you don’t want that , then tell him gently not interested in him that way.

Nomore_lockout's avatar

Sounds fishy to me. For my money, trust your gut feeling and tell him to take a hike. But don’t shoot the messenger If I turn out to be wrong. Relationship advice from me is worth squat, its not my forte and I really don’t give any thought to crap like that. But reading your post, I just got a strange sensation that the dude is up to no good. Keep us posted, will you?

Nomore_lockout's avatar

After thinking about it, it occurred to me that it might actually work out, you will get hitched and have 5 kids, then some day crap on my grave because NoMore should have been named “A Moron”. LOL For what its worth though, proceed with extreme caution gal. As my old pappy used to say, An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. But Pappy wasn’t to bright either.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Just quit talking to him.

Nomore_lockout's avatar

Ditto @Dutchess_III You should take her advice on that methinks. Just sayin’. Call me a flake, but I have a bad feeling about this Mimi.

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