How do I become a real person now that I have my depression under control?

I’m glad to hear it, and I can relate. Good for you.

Maybe now’s a time to just pay attention to the experiences you come across and especially just watch how they make you feel. Probably being patient and waiting for an intuitive judgement to emerge is in order. Probably you will benefit from meditating on “What do I want?” or some variation of that question.

Your vibration is changing so you are going to attract different people. The right people, or more right for the new you, will come along.

Everyone has times when they have to navigate this kind of transition with their identity (or the big things that fill their lives). The hardest part is not rushing to fill it with something. Having that kind of void is usually really uncomfortable.

My caveat is that if there are meds involved, then I am not as able to speak from experience. When I took zoloft back in the 90s, I felt buzzy and sometimes giddy, but I really didn’t feel like myself. Back then anti-depressants were probably more crude than they are today, and I have no idea how they flavor today’s non-depressed states of being.

This is great news! Being the real you is the best thing you can be. If you had “friends” that only liked you for being fake or non-complacent or simply out of it, they were not real friends at all. Having more energy and wanting to do things now is such a wonderful thing and I am the same way. Embrace the real you and treasure this feeling, find out what it is that you want to do and go for it! Don’t feel guilty for having your own opinions, tell your therapist all about this new you. They should be able to help and guide you to the new rest of your life.

It took me 23 years to get over, for the main part, from failing out of university and losing my friends.

I am learning how to pick my battles and what not to care about.

Fluther has helped me massively ever since my first account in 2009.

Books that helped me are:
Creative Visualization
A Course in Miracles
Daniel Goldman Emotional Intelligence

I lost my best friend in 2003 because of his druggy friends. I gave him a choice and he chose.

Go you, TF! Some of us have always loved you and are very glad to hear this news. For a practical suggestion, maybe take a look at meetup.com for your city for ideas of things you might want to do with other people. It’s not a dating site but lists various interest groups that meet regularly. I joined a walking group two days after my Ex left and that has made a huge difference in my life. You may or may not be ready to join anything yet but it start to give you an idea of what’s out there to do. There might even be a cat lovers’ club or a cat sanctuary you would want to get involved with.

This is fan-f*cking-tastic to hear! I’m very happy for you, @tinyfaery. Very happy indeed.

I live with the diagnosis of a mental illness, and depression is one of the parts of what I live with. I understand it. I know that black pit without even a pinprick of light.

First, go slow. You don’t have to figure out anything on anybody’s timeline. You get to create your life as you go along. There are no rules to what you are doing.

I’m very glad to hear you’re in therapy. I like having the guidance of a trained counselor who steers me without forcing me to listen to what he thinks. He guides me to make my own decisions about what I want. He counsels me, and then I act on my own convictions.

I’m going to suggest you read some books. Go to the library, and look for books that you think you might possibly be interested in. Once you have them, turn on your computer, and search for Expedia dot com, and book yourself a trip somewhere. I’m not kidding. Don’t read the books in your room. Go somewhere new! Get out of town. Go sit under a tree in a park in a city far from home.

I think what I’m getting at is to allow yourself to explore.

You’re a baby again. You’re taking your first steps. You’re toddling.

Explore!

The beauty of doing it now is that you’re an adult and are much smarter than a newborn. you can apply some thought to your explorations, and you can explore faster and wider than a baby can.

I suggest exploring, because really, none of us here know what you are about to discover that you really love.

I envy you. You’re on the threshold of a vast new life of possibility.

All the best.

Edit to add: I’ve just reread your OP and my answer. I didn’t do what you wanted. Instead of telling you how I became myself after years of illness, I told you what you should do. I’m sorry.

Exciting! About 30 years ago I listened to the advice to surround myself with positive, nice, supportive people, and it’s true that being surrounded by positive people helped me be more positive. I think you will find new friends to surround yourself with who match your new found energy.

The last 6 years my motto is fun every day. I try to plan things I enjoy and be in the moment. First I had to figure what I enjoy. For me it is being with certain friends, zumba, dancing to my favorite bands, and vacations with my husband. Also, I really enjoy being lazy for a day and doing very little and really appreciate the relaxation.

I haven’t been on a vacation in 4 years! A vacation can be just two night away with fun things to see and and explore, or longer. Be a tourist even in your city.

I still sometimes get stuck trying to make others happy, which can ruin my fun, so really sticking to what I like can be a test.

Try new things. Also, plan the things you know you like, plan doing those things more. Think back to childhood and things you liked doing. That sometimes is a clue to what you enjoy. Painting, dancing, playing an instrument, singing, are just some things I’ve seen people stop doing as young adults, and then go back to as older adults.

Little by little your calendar will fill up with doing happy things. Even planning a happy thing can be part of the happy. The research and the anticipation.

As an addendum to my other post, I add this. It will take too long to type and won’t fit into the time limit of editing the other answer. I’m sorry to spam your thread.

When I began to feel better, I looked for love. I desperately wanted to find a mate. I’ve dated. I’ve hooked up countless times as gay men do. I’ve had one long relationship.

At the same time, I started meditating. I don’t know when I started doing it daily, but I distinctly remember getting a glimpse of self love. I got a good taste of it, and I wanted more.

Now many years later, I have a level of serenity that I work very hard to maintain. I avoid most news.

I read a great deal, and 4 years ago, I made the conscious decision to read only LGBTQ literature. I’ve spent a lifetime and have a graduate degree reading straight stories. I’m done with that. I want to read my story. There is so much really good writing coming out for us. It’s delightful.

I find reading to be calming.

I go to the beach on occasion. I’m not a beach bum, but I do enjoy the water. It’s another thing that’s calming. Of course, the water here is perfect.

I spend time with friends. I have old ones, and I’m making new ones. It brings me joy.

I recently adopted a senior cat, and she brings me joy. I enjoy thinking of ways to enrich her life. I warms my heart.

I have started dating a man I never would have seen myself dating. In a few ways, we are opposites, but he’s completely open and trusting. His heart shines. He’s one of the few people I know without guile. So, I’m exploring it. I have no idea where this will lead. Actually, I’m sure that if nothing romantic develops, I will have a good friend.

That’s me. That’s what I’m doing. I hope it gives you some interesting things to think about.

First off. I’m not capable of articulating just how much empathy I have for you @tinyfaery . I’m afraid that all I can offer, is my support.

Lots of great advice above. (No surprise.)

If you have followed any of my story, you know that I tried to drink myself to death. And basically did.
I simply couldn’t mentally cope with reality. Perception being my biggest “problem.”
That’s an oversimplified version of a LONG story. We ALL have a story. Each one is different. Each sentence of each page of our books (as with a work of art ) is interpreted differently, by each person. The “human experience,” is a work in progress. I think that some of the best people, don’t put enough value on themselves. Just because you, or someone else, can’t see something doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

When I look at myself, my past, my present, I am often blinded by the worst things. I get caught/lost in those things…
But… I have to admit to myself that no matter what obstacles I have encountered, I have endured. Often. I have navigated with tools I haven’t credited myself with.

WARNING. If you haven’t seen “The Wizard of Oz,” SPOILER ALERT!...

The characters are simplified metaphors, not particularly well rounded, or developed, and predictable…Yawn…

But the ending isn’t…

Each character, as the Wizard has to remind them, already possesses what they seek. They only saw themselves, as what they perceived as something missing. Ok. That’s a fairly simple lesson. Yet. This is a common mistake, we all make.

The overall principle is at least as old as Buddhism. Whether it is a path of enlightenment, or a yellow brick road, that is the best we can aspire to find, and adhere to. And. Of course you will feel strange, on a new path. New things, are often unknowns.

Personally, I am struggling with my second chance. The old me, died on the operating table (liver transplant.)
I will never drink again. I will focus on trying to love myself. Well. Because I’m not unlovable.
I’ve lost SO fucking much. But. I have gained.
Perhaps the biggest change, is that I appreciate the “little things.”

My advice, is to be someone you can love, and love yourself. Love others. Allow yourself to be
loved by others, and appreciate it.
Take care of yourself.

Peace and love.

Oh, Wee Sparkly Fae Being, I am happy to hear this from you. So much has been covered already, so my advice is pretty simple. Baby steps. Life changing depression and the work to change/heal that can leave one pretty tired, with the existential wounds and scrapes scabbed but not scarred over. Recondition yourself gently.
I have used my library at such times. Presentations, odd lectures, book clubs. The bulletin board will have all sorts of info about small things that will get you out but not wear you out. A coffeehouse you’ve never been to that might have music, stuff like that.

Be well, my Dear One. Be happy. You deserve it.

It’s funny that when we’ve come through these kinds of stages in our lives, just doing things normally can be such a joy and relief, you might suddenly find yourself becoming ok ith being a little square.

Check the paper for a community meal, or VFW frying pan toss, or amateur fishing derby, ultimate frisbee league, or line dancing class or community theatre, or even go to church if you’re game. Try new (not too expensive) things and put yourself in new situations with people you otherwise wouldn’t, and learn how the new you interacts. Pay attention to how you feel, what you enjoy, and the kinds of social interactions that nourish you. You’ve got it right that you’re a new person now, and you should learn all about them.

@MrGrimm888 has me crying in the club.

Thank you for all of your responses. There is a lot of good advice and suggestions. I have been trying to explore things that I used to like but maybe I like new things now. The new/old me is still not a joiner, though.

You can do whatever makes you happy. Joining is a state of mind.

I’ve never found it easy to go along either, at least not with things people thought I should be doing. I do those weird things I’m into, like election work, for my own reasons, usually far from a desire to join anything.

Don’t discount the human need for social stimulation. Trying new things just to learn about yourself in different situations and meet new people is an entirely rational, self interested thing to do, with no need to join.

Who you are now doesn’t come out of thin air. More than likely it was and is who you were all along only you suppressed it. Think back to when was the last time you felt like this. Early teens or maybe younger.
I’m going through the opposite. As I age and see things differently I still recognize some of my old self in me. It’s the 1.1 version of myself. The one that loved life and raged against the machine. Though muted more I still can see that person in me.

Don’t apologize for being happy and for caring. And you probably did care about these things before only depression dampened the desire to say anything because you had your own problems. You can now step out of yourself and embrace life. Embrace it well. Those who truly love you will be happy for your change.

@tinyfaery . Crying is therapeutic. As long as it is cleansing, and not an uncontrollable torrent.

As far as being a “joiner.” Make sure that you don’t miss out on enjoyable experiences, because you may have some nonconforming traits.
Besides. You’re already a “joiner.” You joined Fluther. Right? I’m only here, because it counts for my court ordered community service hours.~

Thinkin out loud….
It’s relevant to note, that leaders, were once followers. I think you have many qualities of a leader.

Oh, Tiny, you are a real person. You have always been a real person. There can be a big difference sometimes in being something vs. feeling like something. What you want is the feeling like it.

The thing is, our circumstances sometimes teach us to get our validation from other people. What we have to learn is how to get it from ourselves. That can take a long time if you’re a hard sell, as, ahem, some of us are. If our confidence and trust have been seriously eroded, it can be super-hard to trust ourselves. And some of us live or have lived with people who systematically dismantle our confidence and trust.

I’ve attended a lot of Al-Anon meetings over the years, and I often hear people say things like “When I came in, I didn’t know who I was or what I liked, didn’t even know what my favorite color was.” Those stories always lead to a tale of self-rediscovery and typically the finding of a new path.

It’s great to hear that not only has the black cloud lifted but you are spontaneously expressing your own self (“I suddenly had things to say about their opinions”). If you follow those leads that you are placing for yourself, I think you’ll find your way.

I never had it as bad as some. I did have a deep slump that lasted for a couple of years and caused me to drop out of school, drop out of my engagement, drop out of my parents’ house, and more. I started to work with what was left, and I messed up pretty good along the way, but it was my mess. I think better days began with my simply taking charge of my own life at 19, even though I didn’t know what I was doing. But I was never suicidal, was in residential treatment for only 10 days, and managed to hold a job.

You have a fine mind and lot of strength. I’m with Jake: explore. Something will call your name.

@Jeruba Lovely.

I’m afraid that I’m too lazy tonight to read everybody else’s responses, so I might be saying things that have already been said. First of all, I’m so happy for you! I’ve been battling mild depression since high school and did see a therapist for maybe 8 or 9 months but found it wasn’t really working for me. I still have time when I really have no motivation to do anything besides the necessities: go to work, eat properly, take my meds, etc. I have learned to kind of let that take its course and not let it overwhelm me.

You talk of these friend-like people. Did you think of them that way before you recovered? Or are you using that term now because you recognize that they may not necessarily actually be friends? If they can’t rejoice in your conquering depression, then there’s something wrong there. And if they have a problem with the fact that you now are expressing how you feel about things, I would say it might be time to move on.

Otherwise, and this may sound trite, but, just figure out the person you want to be. There is no mold you have to fall into, be yourself! Your interests may have changed, and that’s okay. That happens normally as we go through life anyway. So just try different things and you may find that you have a whole new set of interests.

And as far as how to react to people in general, I would say be yourself. I understand that you’re implying you’re not sure how to be yourself yet, but I think it will come to you. The fact that you are already able to voice how you feel on things to your “friends” is a very good thing! Now go out there and find some people who aren’t going to have a problem with you doing that. I wish you the best of luck, and if you ever want to talk you can message me.

^Welcome back LH807….

Thank you, @Jeruba.

@tinyfaery Remember the Velveteen Rabbit? When someone loves you very, very much, you become real! You are real on Fluther.

Thank you, @MrGrimm888 !

This thread is Fluther at its best!

Best Question of the Week !

Go to tribute bands that play the music of your favorite bands. And if you’re not alcoholic, drink beer while it happens.
It sounds silly, but this can really take a mediocre life and turn it into a wonderful life.
(If one is alcoholic, this won’t work and will be destructive behavior, unfortunately).

@Kraigmo That actually sounds fun.

I go to tribute bands. We get a lot of them where I live. It can be a lot fun.