General Question

wundayatta's avatar

Who cares more?

Asked by wundayatta (58625points) December 18th, 2008

A person who helps you out of love for you, or a person who helps you because you pay them to do it? Let’s assume they are equally qualified.

We could be talking about anything: car repair, home maintenance, therapy, moving, cooking, or any number of things.

It seems to me that if someone does a kind of work out of love, or passion, then they are doing it because they really care. However, if you do it because you are being paid, and you wouldn’t do it if there were no money in it, that this casts doubt on how much you actually care.

As a political activist, I did a lot of hard work for very little money. I put myself in danger from dogs, angry homeowners, overzealous police, and more, because I believed that the changes I was advocating would make a huge positive difference, if we could win. I have never taken a job that I didn’t care about, and as a result, I have never made much money.

Other people don’t care what they do; they just want to make as much money as possible. Now, granted, you can’t give away all your work for free, but you can do a hell of a lot for free.

Some businesses, it seems to really matter if you care. Elder care requires love; health care requires dedication beyond the pay, teaching, investigative reporting, or psychotherapy.

If I’m paying someone to do a job for me, I watch them like a hawk, to make sure they do it right and well. I don’t want my furnace repairman to leave on a night when it’s below zero, and the “fix” breaks the moment he drives off. I want it done right.

Now with something like cars or furnaces, even though I have little expertise in these areas, I can still let them know how interested I am in the end result, and keep tthem honest. However, with psychotherapy, I can’t do this. For therapy to work, I have to be totally vulnerable, and when I’m totally vulnerable, I can’t watch out for myself. So if a therapist tells me the wrong thing out of carelessness, or tiredness, or anger, I can’t catch that. I hhave to trust they care.

Today my therapist told me something that made me feel very bad. She told me I was depressed, and although I wasn’t feeling that bad before I saw her, I certainly was aafterwards. Now, if she really cares, then I can trust it’s part of a process I don’t understand. However, if she’s just doing it for the money, maybe she’s doing a hack job, and this was a big mistake.

How can I ever trust someone I pay but cannot know whether they are doing the rigth thing? If I don’t trust them, how can I get help? Am I misguided here? Too untrusting? Or can I believe people who tell me they care, even though I’m paying them to care?

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10 Answers

jessturtle23's avatar

Many people actually care about their work and the job they do no matter what anyone thinks about it. If you are a pain in the ass your friends and family may not do things because they care but to get you to shut up. I’m not talking about you but people in general. I sometimes do things for people not because I care but because I owe them.

loser's avatar

Wait, what are you asking?

chyna's avatar

ok, I was going to post this as a question, but it seems to fit here. 2 years ago, at age 48, i was diagnosed with cataracs. Pretty young for that, but, ok. I went and had the lens implant surgery. Having a lot of issues with that eye, have gone back several times for “tweaking” per the dr. He told me 2 months ago that the other eye needs to be done also, quickly. I went for a second opinion. No cataracs were in my eye. OH MY GOSH, WHAT HAVE I DONE? Who is there to care that I could have had surgery that could render me blind, other than myself? I am much too young to have had delt with this.

wundayatta's avatar

@loser, hey, we get it. You don’t have to keep on pointing out that you are living up to your name!

loser's avatar

Okay fine, consider me gone.

krose1223's avatar

Hmm… That is a tricky situation. I think it is pretty much one of those things that only you can positively answer though. We can all give you advice, experiences, and alternatives, but none of us know you like you know yourself. If you think you are “too untrusting” that’s hard to define. Some people say I am too trusting but others say I’m not trusting enough. I’m rambling, sorry… In this particular situation for you I think you need to evaluate yourself. I think it would be easier for you to diagnose yourself with depression unless you were in denial. Maybe the next time you go see your therapist you could ask him or or why he/she thinks you are. Give him or her your argument why you think you are not and see where things go from there. One of you is wrong here, and I think it best if you figure it out together.

augustlan's avatar

From my personal experience with several different therapists, in the end it all comes down to the ‘gut feeling’. I had several therapists that I didn’t ‘click’ with, and I was never able to fully trust them, to be that vulnerable. When I found the right one, everything fell into place quite naturally. Have you had any other therapists? Can you compare your feelings from one to another?

tyrantxseries's avatar

I have three different therapists, two are great and one that’s not, the two that are great I pay for and took a little wile to find(I went through 4 before I found them) and the other one is paid for by healthcare,
the first two are great because the seem interested in what I’m saying/experiancing even though it isn’t actually happening/they answer my questions(or find the answer if they don’t know.(they don’t usually give the bullshit answers eg: “well how does that make you feel”, “what do you think”, or just keep repeating me)
now the third, they are just there to get paid(in there defense they are always busy)
she asks the same questions to every one of my questions, never gives me a straight answer about anything….and so on.

Have you ever seen K-PAX? in the movie when they interaduce the psychiatrist Mark Powell he is in a session with a germaphobe Ernie. The psychiatrist is watching the clock, only giving general answers, not interested at all, but as the movie progresses he becomes more interested and can start actually helping them…
now this a general eg from how their job goes from great to routine to great again

yes your getting paid for your work, but after time can you really be truly interested in all of patients you see?? I guess some can and others can’t,
but if you can’t can you really help someone?

I suggest going to see another therapist for another opinion,
I also fin the internet to be a great tool,
but also we can’t always go by our “gut feeling”

Nimis's avatar

Regardless of what their true feelings may be, it just comes down to
whether or not you feel comfortable around them enough to be vulnerable.

I really, truly and deeply loved my ex-fiance. But they were filled with a lot of self-hatred and doubt. No matter what I said or did, they could never believe that someone could actually care for them as much as I did. After a lot of soul searching, I realized that everyone deserves to feel loved. Just being loved isn’t enough.

You need to feel that your therapist cares*—regardless of whether she does or not.
If you’re in a place where you don’t feel like they care, that you are emotionally safe enough to be vulnerable, you need to move on.

* Though you must distinguish between caring for your well-being and caring on a more personal level.

JLeslie's avatar

@chyna OMG! I have a couple of stories like that and I could burst into tears, usually do, when I think about them or tell the stories.

Someone who cares really matters. I don’t care if doctors have a good bedside manner, but I do care that they take interest in me as an individual, CARE about my wellbeing, treat me medically as they would want to be treated themselves.

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