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Jude's avatar

I have a good friend who is interested in giving 'us' a shot and would like to date. She has showed me/told me how she feels, but, the romantic feelings have not been reciprocated on my part...yet. We're compatible in so many ways. Should I give it a chance?

Asked by Jude (32201points) March 7th, 2009

I’ve been good friends with this girl for about a year (want to clarify that we’re both girls). The more time we spend together, the closer I feel towards her. I do care about her, but, for me, for now, it’s strictly friendship. I was in a relationship for a good part of the year, and even though my friend had ‘feelings for me’ she respected the fact that I was in the relationship and didn’t interfere or make things awkward/difficult for her and I. Since I have broken up with my girlfriend, my friend has again made it known that she is interested and is hoping that we could give it a shot. The thing is, I care for her, love hanging out with her, we’re so compatible and we click in so many ways, but, at this point, other than caring for her on a platonic level; I don’t have any feelings for her. I’m not drawn to her romantically at this point.

Do you think that I should give it a shot (go out on a few dates) and see what happens? The hard part is, she has already said that she is ‘in love’ (at first, it was drunken declarations of love (haha), but, has since admitted the to fact whilst sober), and I’m worried that if it doesn’t for work me, that I will end up hurting her.

What should I do?

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9 Answers

Milladyret's avatar

Go for it!
You only live once ;)

cwilbur's avatar

Be honest with her. Tell her that you’re willing to explore the possibility of a relationship, but that you’re not really feeling a romantic spark right now. If she’s feeling an attraction, she may well get hurt either way; at least if you’re reasonably careful and honest, you can work through it together.

Also, you might find that companionate affection makes for a solid foundation for a good relationship. In a lot of relationships that endure, this is the part that lasts after the initial romantic spark has worn off.

Strauss's avatar

It sounds similar to how my relationship developed with the woman who is now my wife. When we met, we were both otherwise involved. Through mutual interests, we became close friends and confidantes. Eventually, our other relationships ended. I don’t remember who mentioned it first, but we realized that our feelings for each other were more than platonic. We had both witnessed the demise of platonic friendships when romance became, and did not want to lose the close friendship that had evolved between us. We discussed this and came to an understanding: We would explore the romantic feelings, but we would always remain friends. If the romance did not work out, we would use the experience to strengthen our friendship.

Ultimately, the romance led to marriage. I am now married to my best friend. We are friends first, last, and always!

marinelife's avatar

Just be aware that if it does not work out, it is likely to wreck the friendship.

tinyfaery's avatar

@cwilbur is correct. She has to know the possibilities from the beginning. Tell her what you told us, and let her make the decision. There are people we are instantly attracted to (hormones?) and others that become attractive if/when we allow ourselves to see a person as more than our initial reactions and assumptions.

Allie's avatar

Give it a go. If you two have as much in common as you say you do, then you might be great together.

Jack79's avatar

Well I don’t know if this works differently for homosexual relationships, but I don’t see why it should. The fact that you are both girls seems irrelevant to me. The important element in this relationship is that you two are not on the same page. She is obviously way ahead of you, and you’ll need to catch up pretty fast if this is going to work, or else you’ll feel pressured and she’ll feel rejected. Even on the first date.

Having said that, if something like this does work out, it could really be great. I had a wonderful relationship with a longtime friend of mine (I’m a heterosexual male btw), and sometimes I wish we’d have stayed together (we didn’t for reasons beyond our control). But I also tried the same with another friend and it was a disaster, exactly because I saw her as a friend and she didn’t.

I would give it a go anyway, but keep in mind that it will be complicated. I don’t think you should tell her all that. And make the extra effort if you can.

btw, the development that Yetanotheruser mentions is ideal, but it is also extremely rare (lucky guy!). I’ve never heard of something like that, where both people feel the same way at about the same time. Usually at least one gets hurt. Just so you don’t get your hopes up too much.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

Give it a try, but make sure that she knows that you’re just dating, not necessarily in a relationship. I figure, why not, if you’re not otherwise attached? It seems that the friendship is established well enough that if you don’t end up developing any romantic feelings towards her, you’ll still be able to be friends. Good luck!

VzzBzz's avatar

If you know you aren’t drawn to her romantically then what point is there in “giving it a chance” except to raise her hope you could possibly return the feelings she already has and to make the established friendship uncomfortable and humiliating?

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