General Question

TheHaight's avatar

Losing him... And myself.

Asked by TheHaight (4399points) March 7th, 2009 from iPhone

Okay, I don’t mean to be emo. To be “that girl” that just got dumped and wants advice. But.. I am. We have been
Together for four years. Shared everything with eachother, grown up with eachother. He was 18, I was 17.. I am not 21, and he is 23. Wow.. It’s weird even seeing that laid out on front of me.

I feel like I have had other loves before him, but not as serious as this. I thought we’d spend the rest of our lives together.

And now I’m in the savemart parking lot, lost and confused. It wasn’t a angry breakup. A sad one, one were he couldn’t give me all I wanted. A truely sad goodbye.

Any thoughts? Remember you’re first serious love? Feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself? I feel so lame even putting this out here.. I’m just not in the mood to pour my feelings to my friends right now..

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41 Answers

TheHaight's avatar

now* 21. I can’t edit this fully on my phone.

nikipedia's avatar

Oh, sweetheart :( I’m so sorry. I’m pretty dumb when it comes to breakups, I think, so I’ll hold off on advice. But I just wanted to say you’re not even 1% lame. Post all you want. <3

augustlan's avatar

I’m sorry you’re going through this… it is never easy. I was engaged when I was very young (17), and when we broke up I thought I would die. It took me quite a while to feel back to ‘normal’, but even then I was never quite the same. That is not a bad thing, though. I had grown and learned. I just want to reassure you that you will be okay, and that you that you will love again. Take your time, and be kind to yourself. {hugs}

TheHaight's avatar

Thankyou to the both of you.. I appreciate your support.

It’s just so weird, investing and loving someone for this long. I do know life is far to short to have such a negative mentality on this, so I’m trying not too,... It’s just surreal. Almost like I am dreaming. But I know people go through this, I know I am not alone.

I am going to miss his mom the most! Haha…

kevinhardy's avatar

it sux, you hold the pain ofr s long until another person comes along to bring you back up. all can say is things happen. hope for the best. there are many, many fish in the sea.

chelseababyy's avatar

I was with a guy for three years. We matured with eachother, experienced both our firsts (of a lot of things) with eachother. Finally it ended. I was distraught. I didn’t know what to do because I was so used to having him around, you know? I felt as if my heart was broken, completely.
Then I met my current boyfriend. I met him while I wasn’t even looking for a new love interest, but I fell. And I started feeling a lot different. He made me feel some things I had never felt before, a new found love, new appreciations for things.
As much as it hurt to lose my first, in the end, I’m extremely happy I did. I learned some things, but I also gained even better things. It’s hard to invest that kind of time in someone and just have it completely taken away, and even if not completely, just taken away in general.

Be positive. Realize all the new experiences you could have. Don’t look at it like you lost someone forever, realize what you gained, realize what could be, what you could have in the future. Who knows, you might find someone that completely takes your breath away :D

TheHaight's avatar

Awww..@Chelseababyy.. That was beautiful.. Thankyou. I feel like I don’t know how to think,or feel.. I feel numb.. But to know that you’ve moved on with a wonderful person really does give me hope. Wow. This is better then talking about it out loud because I know I’d be crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe, to my friends.

chelseababyy's avatar

@TheHaight It’s true. I promise. It’s like, you’re with someone for so long, you don’t think that anything can top them, but it’s possible. My current boyfriend is incredible. He does things just to make me smile, or to see my reaction, and I’ve never had that before. It’s like they say, two steps forward.. one step back. While that one step back could be a huge thing gone wrong, the two steps forward could just absolutely be SO great and surpass anything you could imagine, that you don’t even think about the one step back anymore.
I know what you mean by not being able to think or feel. It’s so confusing how you can have something one day, and the next.. it’s just gone. It will get easier, but it takes time for sure. You have to tell yourself that it happened for a reason and that greater things will come to you! :D :D

Response moderated
chelseababyy's avatar

@Ownage That’s incredibly mean and completely uncalled for.

Response moderated
Dog's avatar

The butterfly struggles as it breaks free from the cocoon and emerges into a strange new world alone.
She rests and tests her wings then with a gentle breeze soars into the sunshine.Though she left part of herself behind she enters the world better because of the good it offered.

I am so sorry for your breakup.

chelseababyy's avatar

@Ownage Actually, Fluther is a place where people do care about others and try to HELP them. Not try to put them down.

Sueanne_Tremendous's avatar

@TheHaight: Hearts get broken, but one of the best parts of a broken heart is that it heals. And from that healing comes the power to love again. And to love deeply. More deeply then one would think possible. Grieve. Cry. Margarita yourself. And when the morning light comes streaming in, get up and do it again. Amen (borrowed that last part from Jackson Browne…with apologies).

TheHaight's avatar

aw dog.. That was sweet..
And sueanne, you rock. I’m finally home after just driving around aimlessly. Driving kinda helps me. And this “ownage” guy made me laugh a little bit., silly, small little negative people make me laugh..

It’s just so weird that it feels like I’ve lost him good. Makes me gain some perspective and appreciate that I haven’t lost him from this world, like others have lost a s.o.. He’s still here, just not meant for me.. Weird to think.

TheHaight's avatar

Lost him for* good. Damn phone.

loser's avatar

Aw, I’m so sorry. Just recently been there myself so I feel for you. Just be gentle on yourself and allow yourself the time you need to feel whatever you’re feeling at whatever point. Hang in there.

figbash's avatar

Oh, I have been there and I am so sorry. It’s like all of a sudden you leave your own body, and the entire world as you’ve known it, suddenly changes. This stuff is never easy and I’m sure right now and for some time, the thought of moving on is repulsive. I know it was hard for me to even tell my friends for at least a day or two. Somehow telling them suddenly made it more real, so I just contained myself for a few days and cried my eyes out in my pajamas.

One of the things I did for closure, a while after I had time to process it, was I sat down and crafted a letter to him. I wrote pages and pages of everything I had learned from him, and all of the things I had appreciated, tied it up and mailed it off. Symbolically, it allowed me to really take the good things and leave with them – which made it feel less like a loss. I can’t say enough about how this helped me grieve and eventually leave with nothing left unsaid.

Again, I am so sorry : (

Zaku's avatar

Pain is part of love. What there is to do is mourn, process, move through it. I envy you your… well, that at your age you have the level of mindful benevolent love to separate with such clarity and friendship. I am very impressed by you, again.

TheHaight's avatar

Thankyou guys:,(
@figbash; that is exactly how I feel.. I don’t want to talk about it yet besides here, because it will be more real. Gosh you flutherers rule.. Thankyou zaku.. I don’t feel as wise as you put it, but thankyou. I will do the letter writing like you mentioned fig..After time.. It’s just so hard to refrain from texting him a “goodnight, and an I love you”.

Jeruba's avatar

I remember. I surely do. It has been a long, long time, but it is still real. The sadness, the pang of so many memories that now seem twisted and wrung dry of joy, the long hollow empty tunnel of loneliness ahead. Who am I without him? What will I do? How will I know where to be? Half of me is gone and I don’t even know what it is that’s left. Everyone who looks at me will see I’m a deformed remnant of a once-whole pair. I am so lost. Shouldn’t we try again? Isn’t a dead relationship better than this?

Every love that isn’t the last one is going to end. That’s hard. When you’re so young, you don’t think of endings. But unless at 17 you are having your last new romance, it does have to come to an end. You are a different person at 21 from who you were at 17, and you just don’t fit together the same.

Here are things I thought about over time, as boyfriends and lovers came and went. I thought, every one has been special somehow. Every one has added something to the list of things I really want in a man. I wouldn’t have missed any of them. I can think back fondly now and say—I loved Bob’s smile, I loved Will’s humor, I loved Charlie’s style.

And when I got to the one I kept, I said, “Everything I’ve ever done has served to bring me here.”

kwhull's avatar

I was devistated when things started going wrong in my first marriage. Now, 21 years later, I know that it was one of the best things that ever happened. I could not imagine still being with that man. Shudder! It takes a while, but things will get better and years later you will look back and realize that things weren’t nearly as bad as you thought they were at the time. That still doesnt make things any easier now.

Go be with friends and try to move on. Good luck.

nebule's avatar

eat chocolate and watch films
with the duvet
best friend and lover i ever had
x good luck xx

mcbealer's avatar

hugs for you TheHaight! No matter what, remember that we can grow from love lost. The pain you feel right now, indescribable as it is, will pass. As you go on in the coming days, focus on the journey ahead, as your heart heals, and yes grows even larger. Someday you will look back and he will still be there, as he has clearly shaped the walls of your heart. And you will love stronger and harder for having endured this pain. I promise. Not sure exactly why or how it works, but it does. Hope floats—hang onto it, and don’t let go!

wildflower's avatar

It’s always scary when personal circumstances change – especially when it’s the circumstances that you’ve been emotionally invested in. All you can do is take it as it comes, one step at the time.
For now, it probably does feel like anything you’ve developed about yourself over the last four years will go away with him – but it won’t. Your core self is still there. You will need to adapt to your new circumstances (not being in that relationship), but you’re still you and you will continue to grow and develop through whatever circumstances you find yourself in.

You should remember that you are dealing with a type of loss and there probably will be some grief. Look after yourself; allow yourself to be sad, to be scared and whatever else you feel, but also make sure you keep going, that you do the things you need to do.
The sadness and grief will fade with time.

And yes, I’ve been there, felt that way about every breakup I’ve had. When you’ve spent any amount of time identifying with a relationship, it is frightening to have to find your feet again without that relationship – finding out which parts of you were truly you and which were a response to being in that relationship. It’s a learning process and gets less frightening with time.

As far as personality is concerned, I think you’ve got a pretty good starting point and you’ll be fine no matter what circumstance you find yourself in :)

Good Luck.

bythebay's avatar

@TheHaight: Big hugs for you this morning; It’ll be a tough day. I just told my kids the other day I remember breaking up with a boyfriend in my late teens and feeling as if the world was ending with the relationship. Here I am, mid-40’s, married w/kids and happy. Life does go on.

Part of my process is to write, and remember that your life really is a book. Big chapters, little ones, happy ones & sad ones. All your chapters help to shape the person you are becoming everyday. Learn from the process, so even in heartbreak and sadness you’ll find meaning. There is still so much more to be written in your book and today is a new day.
(((more hugs))))

chyna's avatar

One door closes so that another one can open. So sorry you are going through this and are so sad. Everything you have said here shows what a great person you are.

hearkat's avatar

I am still getting over my most recent breakup. And I agree that writing does help you sort it out and find the lessons within your experience.

As others have said, you are greiving… because the end if an intimate relationship is like a death. So now you are in the shock and denial phase. It takes time and everyone is different.

You are not only sad for missing that person in your life, but also in your future. So it takes time to redefine yourself as an individual, and to imagine your future without him.

You said you’ll miss his mom… while it may be awkward at first, it may be possible for you to have an adult friendship with her. This depends on a lot of complex variables, but the fact that there isn’t any animosity between you and her son suggests that it might be OK. My son and his gf are 17 and 16 and have been together for over 2 years; things were tough a couple months back, and my son nearly broke up with her. Her mother told him that he’d better stay in touch with her, even though she has 2 sons of her own. We do form bonds with the others, and as long as people are mature about it, those friendships should be able to continue.

Be patient with yourself. You will find yourself stronger when you get through it. Focus on yourself, and the things that you value.

Add my hugs to the list (((((hugs)))))

janbb's avatar

@ Haight It’s a hard, hard thing to go through. I went with a boy for 2 1/2 years when I was 17–20 and we were really connected with each other. When it ended, I felt like I was spinning off into the universe. One of the things that helped me was finding a safe place – my brother and sister-in-law’s apartment – where I didn’t feel as disconnected. I spent a lot of time visiting them.

It takes a lot of time to get over it. Just be as kind and nurturing to yourself as you can and don’t isolate yourself from friends.

I’m 58 now and about to become a grandmother and I still miss him sometimes. But if I hadn’t met and married my husband I wouldn’t have to wonderful life and children I now have.

Hugs to you!

adreamofautumn's avatar

I’m in the same position right now. I thought it would last forever. I don’t have advice…but I have a smile and a promise that i’ll be thinking of/rooting for you. I think it’s going to be all about time. That’s what I keep telling myself anyways, that in time this gets easier.

Good luck and stay strong, you’ll get through it. Good friends and great flutherers will be by your side!

Mr_M's avatar

Hey! I’m available!!! And I have big feet!!!

marinelife's avatar

Dear TheHaight,

Be kind to yourself. It will take awhile to get over a relationship of this length. After the numb sometimes comes anger, sadness, loneliness.

You probably can’t see it now, but when we are with someone for a long time, we shape ourselves around that person and our identity as a couple. Especially when you are young.

There may be things you once liked that you haven’t done in a long time. There are probably lots of new things you might not have done if he was still in your life.

Once you have passed through the worst of the grief and pain, you can unfurl like a flower seeking the sun.

You are a lovely person. You will love and be loved again.

Take care.

mangeons's avatar

I have not experienced this yet, so I really have no advice to give you. But like a wise man once said,

“Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.”

Good luck in life, you will be loved again, as you are a loving person yourself.

aprilsimnel's avatar


It’ll feel rotten for a while. Then you’ll start to feel better as you do the things you usually do, and every so often, you’ll feel a sting about it. Then you’ll put it past you and not think about it. Then one day, you see that you’re over it and can think about the pst with a bit of a glow and remember all the good things you shared together and what you learned. It takes time, and it’s OK.

Don’t try to bury how you feel now, that stuff needs to be expressed, because you’re in mourning. You’ll be all right, you’ll love again, and with a better sense of who you are, what you value, what you have to share with someone and what you’d like from someone else.

Aw…! I know how you feel, though. When I broke up with the guy I really loved, I cried for few days at first.


toomuchcoffee911's avatar

I’m so, so sorry, you don’t sound lame at all. It must be crazy to be with someone for so long and then suddenly not any more. But remember, you aren’t alone! Think about it, all these people on Fluther who barely know you but they are supporting you anyway. It will get easier. You will be loved again. Try to think about it this way; without pain, happiness has nothing to compare itself to.


wundayatta's avatar

Four years? Your identity was tied up with this relationship? Now it’s gone? You must feel like you’re floating in the middle of an ocean on a melting iceberg. You probably can’t believe you are where you are. Maybe travelling around, not noticing where you are, then finding yourself someplace and wondering how you got there?

Worse, though, is when you are lonely. You want to pick up the phone and call him, and you have no idea what he’ll be like. You can’t do that, and you want to do that, and if you do it, it always ends badly, no matter how sympathetic he might be.

Oh god, and the loneliness! It’s the worst. You curl up in your bed and your mind whorls around and around, trying to figure out how this can be.

I’m really sorry. This so totally sucks. And there’s nothing that can make it better. Well, maybe, since you’re a woman, the comfort of other women could make a difference. Be thankful you aren’t a guy. We don’t have that. At least, usually not.

However, as far as I know, there’s nothing that can make this feel better…. except time. And damn! Time sure takes it’s own sweet time in applying its healing balms. However, it will, eventually, reduce the pain.

I wish I had better news. Really, I do. Maybe I am wrong in telling you like it was for me. I believe it’s better to know how bad it can be, because if it is not that bad, then you feel better for believing it should have been worse. And if it is that bad, you understand you are not alone. Many others have felt the same thing and survived.

Don’t go away. I think if I had had a place like this, it would have been a lot easier for me. I was so alone at the time. For so many reasons. Fluther away. Keep us up to date on how you are feeling and what you are doing. Most of us will be kind and understanding, and share our experience. Only a few will be jerks, and the mods will take care of them.

It will probably be very hard for you for maybe a year or more. You are not alone, however, and that makes a huge difference.

Jack79's avatar

Time will heal all your wounds, TheHaight. There is no advice, no secret trick. Eventually you will meet someone else and love again. Despite how unthinkable this sounds right now.

TheHaight's avatar

aww…I remember asking this question, it seemed so long ago. Each and every answer on here sure did make a difference in my life.

janbb's avatar

Welcome back, @TheHaight. Glad things are different for you now.

mangeons's avatar

@janbb I second that notion! Welcome back, @TheHaight!

mcbealer's avatar

@TheHaight ~ welcome back!! lovely to see your smile again on this page

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