In hindsight, could you have saved your marriage?

It’s been quite a while since I was married to my first husband. I’m happily married to my second husband.

For a long time, I examined what went wrong and could we have fixed things. The answer is no. We probably never should have married in the first place. He was safe for me and for him, I was a way out of one way of life. He gained a family, someone that had the ability to bring good money in (me) and he could lay around, until he decided to be more of an adult. Before we even had our daughter, there were signs that he was more of a roommate than husband, but I ignore the signs. We had our daughter, and while I know he loves her, I also know if we had never had a child, he would have been fine with that, too.

I’m not sure we were ever truly in love with each other. We cared for each other, deeply, but there was always something missing.

We drifted apart, he was more intrigued and motivated by money, than his family – we were very clearly on the back burner. For my part, I didn’t speak up for myself or my daughter, until it was too late.

When things started going really bad, he showed a side that I’d never seen – cruelty. He was cruel to our daughter (we’re talking 2yrs old) and to me. He would berate us, really anything to push us away. Again, my mistake was not standing up for my daughter and myself.

He agreed to go to marriage counseling; however, within 3 sessions, it was very clear that he wanted no part of this lifestyle. He wanted to be able to go out on his own, gamble and drink. I wanted to raise our daughter, and lead a productive life. We because two very different people than what we started out together as, and it wasn’t ever going to work.

I didn’t marry to get divorced, it was difficult and I felt like a failure. I realized, tough, that it wasn’t just my fault – and I did want to try – at some point; however, he was finished.

@cak That wasn’t easy to write, and I appreciate your candor and honesty. One never knows in life when one’s words will help someone in some way. Sometimes we see things in others experiences that may trigger action, or insight. It is vital to continue to learn and probe the (perhaps most) complex of our life’s challenges; the relationship between husband and wife (or s/o).

Thank you.

No, my marriage could not have been saved, and here’s why. My ex-husband and I disagreed on the fundamental issues of life. I can really sum it up by saying that he is what one might consider to be a person with a strong Christian faith; I am not. He is socially and politically conservative (very much so), and I’m on the other end of the spectrum. Also, he is very much and alpha male and while he never came out and said it, it was more than implied that I should shut up and be a good little wife (i.e., do what he said). Those of you who know me just a little know that wasn’t going to last long. On the surface level, we got along fine. We enjoyed each other’s company and were good friends. But over time, I knew that these fundamental differences were going to cause problems. Maybe we could have stayed together in what I would consider a half-ass marriage… Basically happy, but not fully happy. Mostly, I felt smothered and controlled. I think he felt like he was battling a rebellious teen. In the end, I left him. The suppression of my beliefs in order to keep him happy ate away my soul and my sense of self. He wanted to make it work, but I knew it wouldn’t. I couldn’t imagine bringing kids into the situation and wanted to get out before that happened. What did I learn? Never sacrifice my own beliefs and morals to make another person happy. I am happier now than I’ve been in a long time.

@essieness Thanks for your thoughts.

In theory yes, but I would not have been myself. I could have beaten up my wife for example and terrified her enough to just be my slave. But I wouldn’t want that type of marriage anymore than she would. Or I could have collected evidence against her and her family and blackmailed her into staying. But if you can’t trust your wife enough to sleep in the same bed with her, what’s the point in being married? For several months I slept in a different room which I locked afraid they might kill me (they tried once). I honestly don’t think such marriages are salvageable.

@Jack79 Your story, written here in a nutshell and obviously with so much more behind it, is disheartening and disquieting. I hope you benefitted from sharing it with us (in the diary/journal/blog sense) as much as we did from reading it.

May you find completeness and happiness in your further endeavours.

Nope. that would create an infinity loop. I have lost a few relationships though but I never took it to the final step.

Actually the way I see fluther is that people ask questions and I answer them, and it helps me keep my wits about more than anything. Any question is fine. I just don’t know how helpful my insight is to this particular thread.
Personally it has given me great strength to know that I did my best while I could and made all sorts of compromises to avoid confrontation. I see people all around me thinking “what if?”. And the problem with the “what ifs” is that they make you weaker. I have great determination as a result of my certainty that I have done my very best and gave my wife more than a fair share of chances (about 100 times more).

@Jack79 :-)

I suppose anyone (short of being a victim of physical abuse of a spouse) could stay in any marriage. In my case, we tried very hard to do so. We loved each other dearly, but made each other miserable… more so with every passing day. We went through two courses of marriage counseling, but in the end we thought we were short-changing each other and keeping either of us from ever finding happiness. After 17 years of marriage and 3 children, we parted ways quite amicably.

I have been happily married to my second husband for about 4 years now. While he is not the perfect man, he is the perfect man for me.

When asked, I’ve always said it was because we didn’t really know each other (3 weeks), that our daughter’s disabilities were to difficult for him to deal with, and his gambling all contributed to it. Of course I always believed I did the best I could.

But last week, after 35 years I had a dream where we talked about why we split up. (I often have dreams/discussions with people who have died). At the end of the dream he said “You never could be open with me, you never relied on me.” I woke up and thought Wow, that was so true! I am like that. How can you have a partnership with someone if you refuse to be vulnerable and trusting.

So the answer is, No because I make a terrible partner, I am more comfortable relying on myself.

At the time, our public reason for splitting was over the issue of children. He knew when we married that I never planned to have children and was in agreement. Over time, his feelings changed, which I don’t hold against him. But it was not a subject that I could compromise on.

After leaving the marriage, I realized that the children issue was only a very superficial layer of the problems that existed in the marriage. As I rebuilt my self esteem and self respect, I realized that I had been living in an emotionally domineering and abusive situation. It was only when I was living freely and breathing freely and thinking freely did I realize how much my life had improved.

He actually wanted to get back together at one point during the separation, but thankfully I had begun to realize that I had some value as a person and refused.

@all Wonderful contributions. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad I posted this, after much deliberation and hesitation.

I could not have saved it unilaterally. The line in the sand I drew was that he had to get a job; after nine months where he spent a total of three weeks working and I caught him in no fewer than four serious lies, I said, “I’m done.”

That was the symptom; the disease was that he never wanted to take responsibility for anything, and had spent most of his life running to someone (his mother, then me, and now his mother again) to clean up the messes he left by not taking responsibility for himself. When he found out I wouldn’t clean up his messes, he started lying to me about them. When I caught him in lies, he apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again. After the fourth time, I no longer believed him.

And @galileogirl, you hit it on the head. How can you have a partnership with someone if you refuse to be vulnerable and trusting? You can’t, and it doesn’t really matter whether you refuse because it’s part of your character or because you have been vulnerable and trusting and gotten burned by it.

not as long as alcohol was more important than me or the kids.

@Zen You promised to show yours… enquiring minds want to know.

@augustlan Indeed. After an initially bitter divorce, I discovered the true meaning of partnership for the future (and current) partnership I have. It isn’t perfect, and we’ve broken up and gotten back together many times. But the secret ingredient which was lacking in my first marriage was friendship.

I think that as we grow older and hopefully more mature (except us guys), we realize that friendship is one of the most important things in a relationship.

Agree, good people?

Yes, friendship is the most important ingredient of a marriage. Unfortunately my ex never got that. She always had this rule that “family” goes through blood, so her sisters and parents always remained her family, in which I’d never be allowed to enter. She never considered me and our daughter to be “her family” and of course she never understood the importance of friendship in a marriage (since I guess for her a husband is merely an annex to her own family).