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bobby's avatar

How can I trust her again?

Asked by bobby (14points) April 2nd, 2009

I lived with her for 4 years, I loved her and she loved me, she always told me that she never leaves me and whatever happens she is mine. I always asked her not to promise me any thing about future, because my ex-girlfriend betrayed me, and I just liked to live for now, but she always said ” I am different” and I believed her. after her father died, she got a kind of rich, she completely changed her attitude and simply she left me. before this death she was economically dependent on me and I paid for her expenses, she now tells me she likes to see me weekly and have sex with me! ( this broke my heart, do you feel what I say?) she doesn’t like to live with me any more, because she can have a better situation with her mom, she says she doesn’t like to have responsibility and she doesn’t like to share any thing with me , when I ask why, she says: I don’t know! I am confused.
I feel I am totally betrayed, I don’t talk to her any more and I can’t forgive myself, I shouldn’t have trusted her, but I can not understand how it really happens! how a person can change that much just because of money?! they have always some reasons to convinces themselves that they did the right thing. but this one even doesn’t bother herself to give me a reason.
I am too depressed, I cry every night, I haven’t cried for years. I even can’t tell my problem to my friends, I feel really embarrassed and misrable, I can’t sleep and I am not sure that I can continue working, I am a teacher and my depression soon will affect my job.
is there any way I can help myself to understand my situation and move on? am I really stupid and I should accept it?

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7 Answers

Dog's avatar

I am so sorry your relationship has taken this turn.

It sounds like she is a bit conflicted and may feel that

her mom really needs her right now since her dad died.

Regardless you are entitled to mourn. Time will heal and time may even bring you two back together. Time may also free you to find a love so deep you never thought it possible- and it could be with someone you have yet to meet.

My advice is not to allow youself to become bitter or to blame the entire opposite sex.

Allow yourself to mourn but also leave yourself open to your destiny.

Again- sorry. I have been there more than once.

Dr_C's avatar

If you cry over loosing the sun your tears won’t allow you to see the stars…
think about it.

wundayatta's avatar

It sounds like it is pretty bad for you to keep having sex with her. Have you stopped yet?

In my life, long, slow goodbyes to relationships were torture. I much preferred a quick cutoff. Unfortunately, I’ve never been good at that, so I depended on others to do the cutting off. I don’t think you can begin to heal until you cut off contact with her permanently.

I was recently in a situation like that. It was very hard for me to cut the ties. Eventually, I did what I had to, and I was able to recover and become more healthy. I wish you the best.

bobby's avatar

NO, I didn’t have sex with her since she has left and I won’t accept her idea, I felt it is not what I am looking for. it is disrespecting me. not after all I shared with her, I don’t feel it is right at all.
well, she is my wife and I have built lot lot in my heart for her, cutting off with her doesn’t end as fast as I supposed. in my heart there is a huge sorrow, now it is more than 3 months she has left me, I have been breaking up with many girls before, but this one, this one hurts to death.
I don’t know how far I can tolerate this situation. but I really feel better to share it here. since you are the only ones I can openly talk. thank you.

Dog's avatar

The loss of the dream and the plans of the future are the worst. I greatly applaud your refusal to be used.

I do strongly recommend that you divulge to your close friends what is going on in your life. While it is hard to do you need to stop living as if everything is fine when your world has shifted so dramatically. It requires a lot of energy to keep up appearances .

It does not mean you need to talk to them about it unless you wanted to but if they are aware you can start the healing process. Perhaps if you begin to re-build your spouse will either forgive the expression as it was from my Grandmother “Shit or get off the pot”

Best case scenario she wants to work things out and you guys can build an even stronger and better marriage worst case is not much worse than you have it right now and you will at least be able to move forward a little.

bobby's avatar

Today one of my few close friends, actually the closest one came to my house and asked me about my wife, first I asked him politely not to talk about it, but I couldn’t keep the silence and I said almost every thing.

He said he wanted to talk to my wife and he thinks it can help. I myself believe no one can solve such a problems, except the couple who made the problem. I don’t believe in such a solution. I don’t believe in couple therapy either, I don’t believe the 3rd person can solve anything radically. but I was too depress to ignore a chance. I took it and I opened my heart.

I didn’t want to tell him every thing, but I couldn’t control myself and I said every thing. ( I feel I broke my promise to me and to my wife about keeping our life private, but I couldn’t keep it, I was too weak to control myself)

I needed to be understood too bad.

perhaps he can’t do anything for me, but he listened, tried not to judge and tried to show me that he understands, he shared a little about his marriage problems that he could fix and advised me to search for the root of the problem. then I felt I should tell him all the details and I did. I feel better inside and as you dear Dog mentioned it revealed some energy and repression, at least he understood me, he is a witness to all the trouble I had been through to marry her and make her happy. he knew me for a long time.

now he understood that my true pain is not her physical absence, but absence of my trust to my wife.
he understood that talking to her to come back will not solve my problem. what I need is a reason which can convince me that she is true.

It bothers me that I told bad things about my wife, the way she left me, her frigid manner, the way she broke my heart, the promised she broke, ignoring me and the way she lives now. but I asked him not to judge her and I told him she should have her own reasons and you shouldn’t think she is untrue person, I just can’t understand her reasons, because she didn’t give any.

I still love my wife ( the one I knew) and when she was with me, we promised to keep always our problems private and solve them on our own.
we never shared any problem with others, we always respected our life and believed every thing can be solved and we don’t need to talk to other people.
I really feel sorry that I talked with my close friend. I feel I broke myself, but at the same time I feel better because I told someone who knew me about my pain. so it is a conflict for me.I admit I was weak, what I have done is right because I feel better now, but it is wrong because I broke my promise.
this privacy hold a value in our life and we were proud of it. it was very enjoyable to feel that we are so close that we don’t need any one to make us closer.
we had many promises, many nice ones, for example we promised each other to say whatever we feel inside and never ever avoid to say the truth, even if it hurts. in this way we were sure that there is nothing left behind.
we promised each other not to go overseas alone for holiday, but in this 3 months, she left the country for spending her holidays and came back. how could she?! ( I should have been very bad husband, or many stupid one.)
many promises we had that I always kept, but today I broke one,
I am very strict about my words and whatever I believe.
I rarely do something that I believe is wrong.
I feel responsibility for my words , but I am a thinker and I change my beliefs if there is a reasonable fact.
I rarely lie in my life and I have never lied to my wife, we know each other for 5 years, and I have never lied to her, not even a white lie. nothing.
I have never betrayed or cheated a person in my life, but many betrayed me and cheated me.
Maybe I should call her now and ask her to forgive me. I know it looks like stupid because she has broken many promises and she even didn’t explain why. rather than forgiveness.
But I am bobby and I respect me more than anything in this life and if I break a promise ( even if it seems ok) I should say and I should take the responsibility. maybe you think I am a very moral man, who believes strongly in god and spiritual thing, but I am not, I am a man of my own words and my own beliefs.

After it finishes ( divorce or restarting), I will tell her about my mistake and I ask her to forgive me. ( I don’t tell her now, because it is not the time to talk about it.)

the only thing I have in my life is my honor, I am a man who needs honor more than air.

maybe I should have asked her before divulging to my close friend. but I didn’t want to talk to her.
I am too honest man, I think I have obsession about being honest and being who I say I am. maybe this is abnormal. but at the same time it is me and I am proud of it. I never felt it is bad, actually I felt I am very strong and I have made a strong reputation.
but today I broke one promise and I should confess it.
some people may believe I have mental obsession, some believe I am a too moral, but I am none of them, I am just a man who enjoys to live the way he believes.

I wrote too much. thanks for reading it.
and thanks for your advices. it worked.

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