General Question

joybells34's avatar

If your child is the product of a date rape, do you find and allow the raper to be a parent?

Asked by joybells34 (359points) April 20th, 2009

I have a child that is the product of date rape. His father is not a part of his life. I plan on keeping it that way. Is that the right thing to do?

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39 Answers

ragingloli's avatar

No.
He should pay for the child.
And at one point in time it will ask “who’s my daddy”.
It is inevitable.

richardhenry's avatar

Is the father convicted?

chyna's avatar

I would not want someone who raped me a part of my child’s life in any way. You don’t need his money, and if you accepted money from him, you would have to share your child with him. I would be prepared to tell my child the truth, but hopefully the child will have a strong enough family unit including extended family, that psychological affects will be at a minimum.

adreamofautumn's avatar

I would keep my kid away from him. Don’t ask him for help, don’t ask him for child support. I hope you had him charged and put on the sex offenders list where he belongs.

Adina1968's avatar

I would not anyone who commited any kind of rape to be a part of my child’s life period! I would seek some counseling for yourself, so that you can hopefully heal yourself and come to a place of peace about the situation. I think then, when the time comes you will know what the right thing will be to tell your child.

rooeytoo's avatar

If it were me, I would not want him anywhere near my child. I would get counseling for myself to help me explain the situation to my child and I would get counseling for my child when he begins to question.

SeventhSense's avatar

@joybells34
This is a very complicated question. On the one hand you feel that you were violated. The decision to have the child, not abort or put the child up for adoption must have been a difficult one. Now then you have had the child, you no doubt love him/her. At the same time you have to acknowledge that this child is 50% the DNA of this man. Increasingly this child may remind you of his/her father. What will be your reaction to this? Will your feelings be clear or is there a chance that this may be transferred onto the child? Can you be sure of this and if you hold onto any bitterness can you release that? I’m not saying one way or another what you should do but the child’s father should be accountable for support and if the child ever asks about his father are you going to burden the child with the fact that he was conceived from rape? What do you tell the child about his father? There are many questions that you should be considered long and hard. I’m sure you’re well aware of all of them. Good luck.

Dog's avatar

He should be in Jail.

The child does not need him in their life.

asmonet's avatar

No, if you haven’t already pressed charges and you’re still able to, do it.
If for no other reason than knowing that your child will know that justice was served.
It’s a much better lesson than you can get away with criminal behavior.
And, it’s going to be a lot harder for him to gain access to the child should he decide he wants to be in their life if he has a conviction behind him.

It protects your mental health, yourself and your child.

Besides that, keep him out of your life and your child’s – as completely as possible.

Then again, my real answer is to fucking kill him.

westy81585's avatar

This is just my opinion, but if I was the product-child of a rape, I wouldn’t ever want to know. I would want my mother to find someone willing to “claim” to be my father, and to be introduced to that person. I would never want to meet my true father, and frankly, would want him to burn (rape is one of two crimes that I feel deserves a death penalty).

SeventhSense's avatar

@westy81585
This is just my opinion, but if I was the product-child of a rape, I wouldn’t ever want to know.
This of course can only be surmised hypothetically. Everyone has a connection to their own flesh and blood or they ignore half of their being. It doesn’t matter if your father is Charles Manson.

asmonet's avatar

@westy81585: That’s a secret that tends to be found out. Two of my friends are products of rape. One, is someone who is generally very strong emotionally, the other, is the one who has a panic attack every time Bambi’s mom dies. They were both told by their mothers.

Funnily enough, the ‘emotionally stable’ one, was told when her mom got drunk, like always and blurted it out. Saying she couldn’t handle the secret anymore. Then she passed out on the floor.

Within a year, my friend dropped out of school, and last I heard was a massive alcoholic herself. She lives on friends couches. She was 16 when she was told if I remember correctly.

Now, the other friend, the one who cries at the drop of a hat was sat down by her parents after she’d picked up bits and pieces of conversation, picked up on tension, noticed how she didn’t look like any of her family, etc. and was told that while she was not expected, she was never unwanted, she was always loved and she would never not be cared for. She was theirs, not ‘his’ and she was safe. From what I understand she was told around 14, and at 18, with her parents reluctant support she visited her biological father, and it did not go well. She hasn’t had any contact since then as far as I know. And is now at NYU.

Personally, I’d rather know. Just sayin’.

People pick up on things, children especially. Kids know when something ain’t right, they might not show it outwardly but inwardly they can get all kinds of fucked up from it.

btko's avatar

I would keep him away, and also charged by the police.

ahankes's avatar

I wouldn’t tell your kid, and I would keep the child far away from the rapist.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Does the father know about his son, and is desiring contact? There are all sorts of consequences to what and how you tell your son about his father, and at what age. Every scenario carries some baggage with it.

casheroo's avatar

Everyone keeps saying he should be charged, but a lot of women are scared to go to the police..and the longer they wait, the harder it is to convict the rapist. It’s a shame.
I would do everything in my power to keep the rapist away from my child, even if it meant no child support.

asmonet's avatar

@casheroo: But, how would you feel explaining to your child if it ever did come up that it happened, but the man responsible was never punished or that you never even tried? What kind of message would that send?

I feel weird asking you that being that you’re married and you do have a kid that I routinely yell AWWWW at, but yeah. Feel free to give me a giant ‘fuck off’. lol

casheroo's avatar

@asmonet I have been raped. The guy was never charged. I was too scared to come forward…I didn’t think anyone would believe me. I think if I would have gotten pregnant from that (which would have sucked, since I went to planned parenthood and took the morning after pill) I don’t know if I would ever tell my child. I think eventually, when they were old enough to understand, probably at least 16. At the same time, I don’t think I’d be single forever, so why couldn’t the man in my life adopt the child as his own?

robmandu's avatar

Let’s assume that the father was arrested, tried, convicted, and served his sentence.

At that point would you want to ask him to participate in raising the child?

And I still say, hell no.

There are some crimes for which there’s no coming back. There is absolutely no reason I can think of where he should be allowed access to the child.

(I’m assuming some form of violent/forced rape here… not some statutory/arbitrary definition.)

asmonet's avatar

Thanks for responding.
I’m not saying he couldn’t, in fact, I would hope any child who came into existence under those circumstances would find that in their lives somehow. However, I’m just saying, I’d think prosecuting would in the end, benefit the victim and the child. Just my opinion, and while I have never been assaulted in any fashion and cannot begin to imagine that kind of pain, I would like to think that is how I would proceed, with or without pregnancy, I do understand the choice not to do so though.

I don’t think any kid isn’t gonna pick up on the occasional facial expressions, lingering emotions, lack of clarity and openness with the details of his parentage, etc. So, I’m in favor of honesty, gentle honesty. Or as gentle as possible.

@robmandu: Another reason I’m in favor of prosecuting, or at least filing a report. So that if the perpetrator happens to find out about the child or knows about it, there is documentation of some kind about his behavior. Even if no charges are filed, a report is something. And I’d want everything I could get on my side to keep the fucker at bay.

Crusader's avatar

If the mothers decides to have the child,
(and an abotion under these circumstances,
and/or incest is a difficult ordeal but
not a sin in Gods eyes, the life is innocent
but the circumstances in which the life was
created is not..)
If carried to term,
Sign the adoption papers before birth,

(consider husband-if married during the rape, and/or chosen partner/future husband…your free will has been violated and carrying to term in these circumstances could adversely affect your life and that of your chosen partner..for the worse…)

adreamofautumn's avatar

@Crusader i’m pretty sure she already has the child. Clearly she wasn’t planning on giving it up, nor do I assume she plans to at this point in their life together.

Crusader's avatar

Has it been established this question is
in the hypothetical, or personal?

asmonet's avatar

Read it again.
It’s pretty clear.

Crusader's avatar

Yes. Well, in this case, the decision should
be the childs, after reaching adulthood and not before
Present the circumstance as a hypothetical to
acertain the reaction, then, after some time,
reveal the truth. What the (now adult) does at
this point is their decision. Informing a child
this can be Very damaging. Rapists are often
negligable influences on children as well…

Yet, you could choose another route,
and never inform the child of the violent
origin of its creation, and allow for
reconciliation with the father, however
you feel appropriate. He was not a complete
stranger, though that does certainly not
justify the act, you may have more insight
into his character, friends, family…etc..
He may be genuinly sorry. Your choice.

So, it is either avoidance and truth (at adulthood),
or interaction (the level of which you decide,
perhaps just letters or a phone call,)

Difficult choices both. Good luck. I will pray for you
and your child.

wundayatta's avatar

Do not find the rapist and invite him into your child’s life. It will be disastrous. You can not have a relationship with this guy. I don’t think your child can, either.

If you do want child support, have it done through intermediaries. Of course, it’s probably not worth it, since he won’t pay. He might not even be able to pay.

Unless you had a relationship with this guy aside from the rape, I think you should just forget about him. No good can come of him being in your life. Just more pain. Unless you are a saint, and he’s turned into one.

joybells34's avatar

Thank you all so much for your answers. My son is now 6 years old and doing wonderful. He does ask about his father but very little. He prays for him. My son knows he wasn’t a very nice man but that he gave me a wonderful gift. I think thats all he needs to know for now. I have amazing male figures in my life that have stepped in and done wonders for my son. I want to do right by my son and hope raising him on my own ends up being the right choice. Plus, luckily he looks like me lol

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

NO!

A rapist is a violent criminal of the worst sort.

Crusader's avatar

Heretic. Find another place to vent your demonic
urges, please. You Reap what you Sow.

She needs alternatives, not absolutes.

robmandu's avatar

Um, actually. She kinda does need an absolute in this case.

Absolutely no way let that scum near your kid.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

How about this as an alternative?

“Don’t let a man with a history of violating women raise a child to do the same”.

Qingu's avatar

@joybells34, please don’t pay attention to Crusader. He is, apparently, a white supremacist Christian fundamentalist who simultaneously believes in astral projection meaning he’s probably a troll or just off his meds.

I don’t have any good advice for you. I guess I would need to know more about the circumstances of your relationship with the father (i.e. is there anything even remotely worthwhile about him).

I do think it’s completely up to you. If the father isn’t a part of the kid’s life now, is there any reason in particular why you’re having doubts about this now? Is your kid asking about his dad or something? Lots of kids grow up not knowing who their father is; there’s nothing “wrong” about this at all.

Qingu's avatar

Just to be clear, I also feel that you forfeit any moral rights you have regarding potential offspring when you rape someone. Looking at it from that angle, there is absolutely nothing wrong with never letting this guy know he has a kid.

It seems like a trickier question is whether or not to ever tell your kid about his father, and I really have no idea what to tell you. I think you would probably know best, as his mom.

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

Not a chance in hell.

Crusader's avatar

Truth, Choice, consequence. Action, reaction.

I feel honored, Qingu, that you have made
such a case-study of my character, accurate to a degree,
yet I make strident effort to not deviate
from my priciples of Accountability, Love, and Truth.
My only ‘agenda’ is that the world employ these principles and the best method I have determined, as well as have had determined for me, is Christ. But I am the choice maker in a free Republic, though who knows how free it will be for much longer…

Are you a professional profiler, or is this just
a recreational pusuit?

Ultimately, it is her choice how to decide, yes?
Live in Islam or athiest communism, (just do not get on the bad side of the local kapo or you’ll end up in a gulag-Russian for concentration camp..) if you want absolutes, this is not about you, though I know
it is possible this is desperately what you what it to be,
nor is it about me. Allow her to decide.

No forgiveness? Islam executes such transgression,
(if you are not wealthy enough to buy your way out)
No consequence? Many African nations and corrupt
countries around the world accept rape as commonplace,
This is not about them, you, or me now, it is about
the woman asking the question. Please, show
some restraint at least in such a thread.

Also, forgiveness is Not forgetfulness, though,
in truth, to forgive and forget is a noble, if
naive application.

MrMeltedCrayon's avatar

It seems like it would be logical and easy to go to the police after a rape, but the act itself is inherently terrifying and can literally shattering your perceptions of trust. Admittedly, I don’t know this from personal experience, but a good friend of mine was raped twice, both times by people she trusted and thought were good people (one was her mother’s long term boyfriend and the other the father of one of her best friends). A situation like rape is hard enough to confront and wrap your head around; for it to be done by someone close to you has to be equally mind blowing.

The thing that bothers me the most is that she blames herself for what happened. It’s twisted and absolutely wrong that those people committed a violent act against her and yet were able to shoulder her with all the responsibility. My initial response when finding these things out was anger (toward the attackers) followed by frustration (unfairly aimed at her). “Why didn’t you tell your mother? Why didn’t you call the police?” I asked. She was afraid – of no one believing her, of the perpetrators seeking retribution, of her peers at school and work finding out. I guess my point is that I think people should lay off the “He needs to be charged!” bit. I couldn’t agree more – rapists are, at least in my opinion, not even humans and deserve every bit of justice coming to them, but coming forward as a victim of such a crime can be abysmally hard to do. I think we should be offering our advice and answering the question at hand as opposed to pointing out what we, operating under a calm, collected and logical thought procress, think she should have done or should do in terms of pressing charges.

asmonet's avatar

@MrMeltedCrayon: I was under the impression most of us did just that. We may had expounded on our opinions, but in general, we answered the question asked of us.

augustlan's avatar

I think the way you have handled this situation so far is perfect. You very clearly love him, and it sounds as if you and he have a great support system. You have been honest in an age-appropriate way. As long as you continue on in this fashion as he grows up, I think you (and he) will be just fine. :)

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

You do not allow that man anywhere near you or your child. Ever. Period. I agree with the above person who said she feels rape should be punishable by death. You were very brave to go through with the pregnancy; most women would have aborted. Good for you girl! Give your son lots of hugs and kisses, and should you decide to eventually tell him how he was conceived, be sure he knows how much you adore him!

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