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Jude's avatar

For those who have lost a loved one, have you ever had the experience where dealing with their death is more difficult years later (then, say, right after they had past away)

Asked by Jude (32162points) May 10th, 2009

It’ll be two years this month that my Mom died. I am finding it harder to deal with now. In fact, I don’t even want to think about it. Especially, the images that pop into my head of her when she was ill. I am wondering why it is more difficult now? I talked to my sister about it and she feels exactly the same way.

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15 Answers

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I think that in the beginning you still feel shocked, you make up in your mind that they’re just not there, not dead, just elsewhere ( I did that when my brother passed away) but as more time goes by and you, yourself, go through milestones (engagements, marriages, careers, kids) their not being there is so much more pronounced…you miss them more because now you know they’ll never experience all that you have and will

gailcalled's avatar

For me, at 13 years from a tragic family death, I have more scar tissue, fewer moments where I am undone, and am able to lead a happy and productive life. But I never forget. Two years is a short time for the grieving process, at least in my experience.

filmfann's avatar

When you first go thru it, you are overwhelmed and overloaded with emotion, and you cannot process it all. Now, years later, you can sort out those emotions, and it seems harder because each individual emotion is clearer.
@gailcalled, I know exactly what you mean by scar tissue.

Jude's avatar

@filmfann you hit the nail on the head. That’s exactly how it is for me.

hearkat's avatar

Well said, FilmFan.

I have a resurgence of greiving for my ex-husband as our son hits different milestones… He will be 18 tomorrow, and it’s been a dozen years since he saw his father. It breaks my heart.

YARNLADY's avatar

It hasn’t been that way for me. I’ve been able to hold my pain right where I want it, and just bring it out when I’m in a position to experience it in private and relaxed. Over the years it has diminished to the point where it is just a memory and does not cause pain anymore.

Linda_Owl's avatar

Yes. My Mother had been ill for several years, so her death was not unexpected. And I lost my Aunt (who was like a second Mother to me) very close to the same time. I find that I experience a very real sense of loss of both of them, when I do something like read a really good book that I know they would have enjoyed & the thought still pops into my mind that I will have to call them & tell them about it & then remembering that I cannot.

evelyns_pet_zebra's avatar

Well, let me tell you from experience, you never get over it, you just get used to it.

I dated a girl back when I was eighteen, (gave her my virginity) and sometimes I’ll hear a song we called our own on the radio. I’ll start to reminisce about her, and wonder how she is doing, whether she got married, had kids, etc, and then it hits me. She was killed in a car wreck about six months after I met her.

Yeah, losing someone you love really sucks and I don’t think you ever get over it.

cak's avatar

I’m in the same boat. My dad died in January, and I am struggling now, more than ever before. I’ve noticed that I haven’t been able to deal with any of my “dad” piles. Can’t touch pictures, cards, letters..anything. It’s just there. I can’t talk about him without crying and feeling that lump in my throat.

I just miss him more than I have ever missed someone in my life.

Jude's avatar

@cak (((hugs)))

cak's avatar

@jmah ((((((((hugs)))))))))

It’s not a good club to be in, but we’re here together. If you need to vent, I’m here.

izzyrockz's avatar

Is true, at the beginning is shocking. Later on is when it gets harder. Is hard for you because it was your mom. Probably things may seem different now, especially if your mom is not there with you. Just think of it this way your mom is in a better place right now looking down at you. She don’t want you to be all sad and deppresed. She wants you to be happy. I know is hard, trust me. Not that long time ago I lost my grandmother. Im not going to lie things have changed, but you need to think this is the way life works we live then we die. We got to accept it like it is. I was scared that I thought I was going to forget my grandma. I was wrong yea im moving on but my grandma is always in my heart and mind. You need to think that if they were here with us, you know they wouldn’t want us to be all sad and deppresed. They want to be happy and make the best of life. All you have to do is, don’t put a lot of pressure on yourself, you can move on, but you will never ever forget your mom that loved you.

reverie's avatar

My mum died in 1997, when I was 11. I’m 23 now.

The process of grief isn’t linear. Most of the time, I’m absolutely fine, and whilst I never forget her, I don’t always feel sad – in fact, the vast majority of the time, I’m absolutely okay. But sometimes, at milestones in life, or just at unexpected moments, I do really miss her terribly and I feel incredibly sad.

In a way, I’m comforted by the fact that I feel these emotions all of these years on. It makes me feel closer to her, in a way, by reminding me that the love never ever goes away. Even at terrifying times – like when I started to realise that I was forgetting her voice – being reminded of my love for her by feeling grief, can be a comfort, in a strange way.

RedPowerLady's avatar

I believe it’s a bit about mental safety. In the beginning you cope with the grief. You are so emotionally vulnerable and have so much going on that it is just a completely different experience. Then later when you are feeling strong and safe again the grief pops back in and it hits hard. It feels so strong because you weren’t prepared for it. Your mind now feels ready and safe enough to deal with the issues you couldn’t before. Now whether that is right or wrong I do know this. Grief is a nasty monster. It will come and go as it pleases. And that is normal. Take care of yourself and acknowledge your grief. It is okay to feel this way even years later.

rottenit's avatar

My brother died when I was 5, as a kid I often thought that it would become easier with time but in reality it dosent. I can better understand what happend as I grew older but the loss and pain is still there and sometimes it hurts more than it did in the past.

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