General Question

JONESGH's avatar

How do I get my best friend back?

Asked by JONESGH (3554points) May 12th, 2009 from iPhone

My best friend of a year disowned me. She says I’m mean and I emotionally stress her out. Most of this is just joking around and making fun if each other that she takes seriously and overreacts to. She told me to stop calling and texting her because she will never be friends with me again. We haven’t been a day apart since we met. I see her everyday and she hates me. Ive thought about changing schools because I can’t handle it. Please help :(

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23 Answers

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MrKnowItAll's avatar

It sounds like she told you exactly how she feels. Perhaps she did not see the humor in your ‘jokes’.

Apply the Butterfly rule: If you love something, set it free . . .

Dog's avatar

If she is taking your joking seriously you needed to stop joking. It was not funny to her.

To “joke” around saying mean things is a form of bullying in the eyes of many people. Friends to not tear each other down even in jest. They build one another up.

It is likely too late for this friendship but you should take the time to evaluate your behavior so that you will be able to maintain a solid friendship in the future.

cyndyh's avatar

Just give her some space. She might decide to come talk with you again or she may not. Bugging her about it is never going to help you.

I agree with Dog. You really need to look at your type of joking.

skfinkel's avatar

This sounds really upsetting. Sometimes people just need some space (a month or two even). After she has had some, I would ask her if she would just talk with you about what happened—that you didn’t realize how seriously she was affected by what you thought was just funny. If she still doesn’t want to talk with you at that time, or you two don’t see humor in the same way, even though you really like her, she might not be the one to be such good friends with.

But for now, though, I would let her have some room to get over her anger with you.

JONESGH's avatar

@skfinkel Thanks, I’ll try it

dynamicduo's avatar

Give her room and time to calm down and relax, then give it one more shot. But I really hope you learn from this situation, otherwise you’ll just send her off again with your unchanging behaviour and I doubt she’ll give you another chance.

Judi's avatar

These are called “growing pains.” she may never be your friend again, but hopefully you will learn something and be a better, more sensitive friend in the future.

mbubbles's avatar

people r always going to make new friends and lose some. This is just a fact, it doesnt mean that u dont have a shot with ur friend. I went thru the same thing with my BFF last year. It was really tuff, but we both made it thru and were friends again. We share secrets just like we used to. Also, let me tell u that the reason we started fighting was that i let out one of her most precious secrets. Maybe ull learn from this and u will be friends again and even joke in the same way, but u will both understand each other.THings r going to be hard. Sometime s it got so bad that i wood break down crying in the middle of lunch. We both wood. But you just need to sort out ur problems w/ ur friend and maybe ull make it thru, but remember, if u dont, maybe it’s for the best. Sometimes u lose friends, but maybe its fate.

DarkScribe's avatar

She isn’t your best friend, she WAS your best target. If you were truly friends then you would not have reached the stage where she had to defend herself by cutting you out of her life. Friendship is a two way process, not a personal convenience. Friendship is based on many things, and supportiveness and empathy are two of the core qualities – you seem to be unfamiliar with either.

Better luck next time.

mbubbles's avatar

@DarkScribe: I don’t think that’s really true. It could have very well been the friends fault. maybe she didn’t speak up soon enough. i think that it’s worth another shot. Also, your response is really very rude.

quarkquarkquark's avatar

I can testify that there are people who take things that are very obviously good-natured jokes wayyyy too seriously. We don’t know which case this is… @JONESGH just apologize. a lot.

chyna's avatar

Even if the ex friend took the jokes too seriously, who cares. It hurt the friends feelings so bad they cut off the friendship. @JONESGH may need to re-evaluate how he jokes around.

ccbatx's avatar

If you don’t want to wait things out and see how they’ll turn out, then talk to her. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s true. Even if she refuses to listen, you speak anyway. Talking things out helps so much. Tell her that you took things over the top when joking, even if you dont believe that. If you miss her that much, then you’ll be willing to go to great heights to get her back. So go to those heights and show her that you genuinely care. If it works out, then great, and if it doesn’t, then it seems like her fault for not hearing you out. Everybody deserves a second chance, so let her give it to you.

DarkScribe's avatar

@mbubbles It would be unlikely that is was a “best” friend’s fault, as best friends don’t have a problem communicating. If a person so lacks empathy and understanding that they can reach a stage where a person they regard as a friend shuts them out of their life, then that person needs to take a long look at the situation that brought them there.

Also, as for being rude, my response is what I feel, I see no reason to play silly games and pretend that I feel something else. I am NOT a PC type of person as I have stated elsewhere. If anyone asks me a question, they get an honest, properly considered answer. (Or a joke…)

cak's avatar

I will admit, I haven’t read the entire board yet. I see @skfinkel and I know she always has something great to add.

I wanted to say something that really stood out to me, really fast. You note that she overreacts not that something could have really hurt her. You are still passing judgment and dismissing her feelings – still.

If you ever want this to work, or to have successful friendships or any relationship, for that matter, you have to learn to stop dismissing another person’s feelings.

I think you need to give her time. Especially since you are still dismissing that she could have really been hurt in the process of joking. Please give this all some consideration and good luck to you both.

l2l2's avatar

You just have to giver her some space. i understand you want to talk to her,but thats not going to help it be strong about it if its ment to be (bff)than some how you guys would fix things up.

chyna's avatar

@cak Very good point. That would be a good way for Jonesgh to NOT start a conversation, by saying, “Look I think you overreacted, lets be friends.” I think Jonesgh will have to take responsiblity for his/her actions if there is an apology made.

tiffyandthewall's avatar

it could either be that you were too insensitive (even without meaning it! i’m not blaming you, but maybe it’s how it came off to her) or that she’s too sensitive. whatever the case, give her some time, and then apologize. talk to her about it. even if you can’t manage to be best friends again, at least you’ll be on good terms, and maybe one day you can build up to being best friends again.

casheroo's avatar

I was “disowned” by my best friend at some point. It lasted six months. I think we just needed a break from each other, she and I were so close and got heated in an argument one day (over a joke, actually) Your friend needs space. Let her have the space, and try to reconnect when you think she might be ready.

mbubbles's avatar

@DarkScribe I admire the straighforwardness and you might be right that it’s not the friend’s fault, but I still think @JONESGH should give it another shot. thIS TIME WITH A DIFFERENT ATTITUDE.

K9Lover21's avatar

Well i really can’t say anything they same thing to me

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