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phoenyx's avatar

How much of your parenting is a reaction to how you were parented?

Asked by phoenyx (7388points) May 16th, 2009

For example, “my parents were too X, so I’m more X with my kids.” Also, do you think your kids will react to your parenting and parent like your parents? Is it cyclic?

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9 Answers

Dansedescygnes's avatar

Well, I’m not a parent, but I know that my parents’ parenting styles were modeled much after my mom’s parents’ parenting styles. Because that similar style seems to have worked for two generations, if I ever have kids, I will probably want to imitate that. Like I always say, no one parenting style is “right”, so I will at least start out imitating that style, but I will adjust accordingly.

augustlan's avatar

Did I inspire this question?

Way too much, I’m afraid. I had a very self-involved mother who allowed me to do whatever the hell I wanted (which seemed pretty cool, at the time). Of course, she also allowed me to be molested for 13 years (which never seemed cool). Both of these conditions were a result of the same parenting, and both were detrimental to my well-being – to say the least. I learned early on that no one was going to protect me, and I had to grow up far too fast.

As a result, I’m a tad over-protective and very invested in making sure my children have a long childhood. I know that at least some of this is a knee-jerk reaction to my experiences, but I can’t seem to help it much. I work very hard not to let my over-protectiveness negatively impact their lives, but I do err on the side of safety.

phoenyx's avatar

(A combination of things led to this question)

My parents were somewhat over-protective and did a lot of things for me. Consequently, I grew up thinking (somewhat) that I was incapable of doing things for myself. I find I try to emphasize to my children how capable they are.

sakura's avatar

My parents gave me the fredom to make my own mistakes, but ere always there to pick up the pieces when it all went wrong, andIlove them for that, I hope to be the same way with my daughter, but not always the case because I do feel the world today is different to when I was younger!

YARNLADY's avatar

I learned the value of being surrounded by a loving family from my parents. I developed most of my specific parenting skills on my own, through a lot of reading, and classes at the local community college.

Supacase's avatar

Probably most of it since that is the only example I have really seen first hand. A few other things from books or friends are in there, too. There are some things I think my mom did right and I try to emulate her in those aspects. On the other hand, I see how some things impacted me negatively and I try to go a different direction without going too far the other way.

A couple of very important examples are that mom rarely hugged me or said “I love you.” As a consequence, it is still awkward for us to do either. I hug my daughter and tell her I love her daily. Also, Mom was determined that I learn to handle things on my own, often before I was ready. I was a very shy child so part of it was probably trying to force me out of that. The result was that I felt no one ever “had my back.”

My grandmother was overprotective and nosy, so my mom went completely the other direction with a mostly “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy that made me feel like she didn’t care. So, I know not to go too far overboard on doing things differently from her.

Linda_Owl's avatar

I tried to not do the hurtful things that I experienced as a child & I tried to do the more positive things that I experienced. Some of my efforts worked better than others, but for the most part, my kids have grown into friendly & responsible adults (except for my one Bi-Polar daughter & I do not think she can be held entirely to blame for many of her actions other than refusing to take the medication she has been prescribed).

hearkat's avatar

I had to re-parent myself to become the person I want to be, and I was raising my son at the same time.

I personally realized a while ago that when someone’s actions are a knee-jerk reflex in the opposite direction of something they hate, that hate is dictating their behavior. In order to be a true independent, one considers all options and chooses what is best for them regardless of whether it is endorsed or reviled by the despised party.

wundayatta's avatar

I tell my kids I love them.
I do not spank them.
I talk to them about everything, and so does my wife.
I make sure they practice every day, and I help them.
I don’t get all riled up about “back talk,” nor do I even seek to correct it —at least, not as such..

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