General Question

Jude's avatar

Have you ever been in the situation where you find the other person attractive, have loads in common, you love so many things about them, but, there's something missing?

Asked by Jude (32120points) May 27th, 2009

I’m going through that right now. Everything else is there; attraction, love so much about them, emotionally feel close to them, but, the spark just isn’t there. I was willing to give it a shot thinking that something was bound to happen, but, it hasn’t. I mean they’re a good f@cking catch.. It’s weird when everything else is there….

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31 Answers

MrGV's avatar

hmmmmm not to offend you or anything maybe you’re homosexual?

Jude's avatar

Actually, I am…. and, so is she. We’re both women, dude.

MrGV's avatar

hmmm maybe you’re actually heterosexual then?

Jude's avatar

Um, anyone else..

MrGV's avatar

But seriously when was the last time you dated a guy?

Jude's avatar

and, no comments from the Christian peanut gallery, please.

chyna's avatar

There’s no explaining why the spark isn’t there. Maybe it means this isn’t the person for you. I tried settling for someone that seemed wonderful in everyway, but there was no spark. I kept trying to make a go of it, ignoring the fact that I really wasn’t feeling anything for him, but eventually, that isn’t the type of relationship I want. I think when the right person comes along, it will all fall into place, the attraction, the friendship, the spark.

FrankHebusSmith's avatar

Sometimes this just happens (or at least it has in my hetero relationships, but I imagine it’s the same for same sex couples). You’re CRAZY about the person, connect on virtually every level, and there just isn’t that “spark.”

You could try igniting one yourself rather than wait for it to happen spontaneously. Purposely start an argument and then take advantage of the most heated moment to initiate something “romantic” (which be careful cuz this one can backfire). Go do something athletic together…. do something sexual somewhere where you shouldn’t be…. get creative….. Best of luck to ya… and if you’re REALLY looking for something to add some spice to your love life… my # is…...... :), lol

figbash's avatar

This has happened to me before too. There’s a total x factor there, sometimes. I’ve dated men who look great ‘on paper’ but just don’t pop my cork.

I did take a look at my behavior to see if I had intimacy issues, or if there was something else preventing me from choosing someone obviously so ‘right’ for me, but came up empty. The next guy who came along was completely reckless and a pain in the ass, but I could not get enough of him. Chemistry, definitely. Like Westy says, sometimes you can jumpstart this by getting drunk and going for it, then see how you feel the next day. That really can work, too.

Blondesjon's avatar

Many years ago I dated a wonderful women who shared all of my wants, needs, and likes. We were perfect for each other, but something was missing.

It was her head.

I tried to look past her neck stump but it eventually drove us apart. Sigh, my loss.

FrankHebusSmith's avatar

@figbash hahahaha “pop my cork” .... that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.

Jude's avatar

Did the drinking thing, made out whilst drunk – no real spark.. so, that’s a “no go”. I feel that you shouldn’t have to try so hard.

chelseababyy's avatar

Let it all go. What’s meant to be will be. Of course it’s hard not to worry about it, but really, try not to.

shortysith's avatar

I have recently experienced this, and it is hard because you find yourself asking “is there something wrong with me” almost because everything seems so perfect, yet….there is something missing. My advice would be to back off the relationship for a while, explore why you are feeling that way, date other people…that way you can see if there really is a “spark” missing or you are overanalyzing your relationship.

casheroo's avatar

Hmm, is there sexual attraction? Or attraction to be together?
If that’s not there, then it sounds like you found a new great friend, but not girlfriend.

Jude's avatar

Physically, she’s beautiful, but, honestly, there’s no real sexual attraction and no feeling the way that you should be feeling. It’s weird.

You’re right, though…she’s more of a friend. A good friend.

Darwin's avatar

I agree with @casheroo – you have found a new best friend, but not a new lover. Best friends can be great to have though, so congratulations on that.

augustlan's avatar

That damned chemistry. Either it’s there, or it’s not… and there’s nothing much we can do about it. Enjoy your friendship.

Likeradar's avatar

Totally. Chemistry is a weird, weird thing. I’ve met some attractive, interesting, fun, smart kind guys but… meh. Try not to question it so much, and just have a new friend who’s a great catch- for someone else.

eponymoushipster's avatar

this happens to me constantly. the best bet? drink heavily.

that being said, sometimes, despite many pluses, there just isn’t the one thing that you need for it to work.

cyn's avatar

that would be love
that’s missing
my friend

alive's avatar

that totally sucks! but hopefully you can leave it be and be friends with no hard feelings.

p.s. i really enjoyed the first couple posts on this questions! hahahahaaha oh man…aaaawkwwwaaard!

Jack79's avatar

many times

wundayatta's avatar

Chemistry is a mysterious thing. I was just thinking about it with respect to this question. I believe that there is not just “body language” in the sense that it expresses our emotions, but there is a deeper “body language” that expresses a lot more. It is a reflection of a part of our minds that doesn’t have verbal language.

So, when there is no “chemistry,” I think it is the non-verbal part of your mind trying to convey to your verbal side that there is something incompatible here. The “spark” isn’t there because you don’t “talk” very well on the body side, even though you share so much in other ways. I think you should trust your body.

CMaz's avatar

I find that when that situation happens. It is usually a social stereotype that messes it up.
Too fat, too skinny, ect. Ok if they don’t orgasm THAT is a deal breaker..
But for me…. It seems that unless she has very strong character, sometimes, the shallow opinions of the people around me tends to screw a good thing up.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I used to think chemistry could be overcome and a few times I’ve seen sexual attraction grow from familiarity but it hasn’t lasted which has taught me there is something about nature you can’t mimic or discount. Argh.

Clair's avatar

sounds like a best friend to me. don’t try to make something out of nothing.

DarkScribe's avatar

Lots of times when I was young. The magic just wasn’t there – then one day it was. I dated thirty or more women before I met my wife, who I have now been with for more than twenty-five years.

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