Is it appropriate for me to spend the night with my boyfriend in his rented room?

As long as you are not imposing on their portion of the house, then no. If they share a kitchen and other common areas of the house, he should get their permission.

I would say yes. At its core, their relationship is still “renter and tenant”, he’s just on very good terms with them (which is a good thing). As long as you’re not up at all hours of the night or making enough noise to wake the neighbors, I’d venture that they have little to no say in what happens down there. They were your age once, too, and so they should expect these kinds of things—they’re not your or his parents, so it’s not on them to parent either of you.

He does share their kitchen, but I make sure to stay downstairs. They are friendly and I’d doubt they would mind, but I feel like I should make myself scarce….

I rent the downstairs of an old Victorian house from an elderly woman and I checked with her before I moved if it was ok to have my boyfriend or friends stay over because I was very aware that even though the house is treated like flats now I am still aware of the fact that I live in her house! She is more than happy for me to have anyone I like here as long as we aren’t too noisy (not that she hears much anyway, bless her!).

If your boyfriend has made their son aware that he is concerned then the son is more likely to feed back any comments that his parents make. With this in mind I would say that if nothing is said about it then you are probably ok.

“Staying at his place almost every night” sounds like you’re LIVING there, and I wouldn’t.

If he’s adult enough to have you over, he should be adult enough to discuss it with grandma and grandpa (if a discussion is necessary).

And how old is the son you told?

If you are really concerned that you are imposing upon these people, I would bring this question to them themselves.

@Quagmire, well, I get there at about 9:30 and leave by 7 a.m. The son is 40!

Yes, we need to ask them directly. We have a feeling, though, that they are too nice to let us know if they feel uncomfortable. Then what.

The son being 40 is good. You told him, he has the power to say it’s alright.

But again, don’t stay EVERY night. The son said you can STAY there, not LIVE there. You can be asked to pay rent.

@Quagmire, that sounds about right. I was thinking that maybe 2 or 3 nights a week would be better. It’s hard to tear myself away, though. ;)

And your beau doesn’t go to YOUR place because…

Also, where do you park? Is your car getting in anyone’s way? A neighbor?

Lots of reasons, unfortunately. I have a Syrian roommate who can’t fathom the idea of a man in our house at night, and I have another roommate who’s not keen on sharing our one bathroom. Plus, walls as thin as paper and no air conditioning. My place just doesn’t make sense.

And are you showering there in the mornings?

If you’re essentially living there, they might say it’s OK right now, but over time maybe not.

Showering there? No way! Still, you’re right—I shouldn’t push my luck. Plus, their son is my friend and colleague, so I don’t want to make things awkward for everyone. I’m starting to think that I really need to limit my nights there.

He’s your friend and colleague? Talk about awkward. You’re sure he doesn’t have any hidden video cams? And what happens if you and your beau ever fight? Loudly? Won’t you be embarrassed at work?

Nah, it’s not that bad. The basement is secluded and quiet. Pretty much soundproof, too. We’ve tested it. :)

More of a good, friendly acquaintance than friend, I suppose.

Maybe you and your boyfriend need to look for a place together if you are staying over that much. It’s really not fair that you are not paying rent and practically living there. You say he is “incredibly embarrassed to ask them about this situation”, then he must be incredibly embarrassed about the situation.

@chyna….hmm Perhaps that phrase was too strong. I don’t know! I’m sure he would ask them right away if I insisted. Maybe I should insist.

Do you really think that sleeping there equals living there? I mean, maybe…I’m not doing anything else, but sleeping is a pretty basic aspect of renting.

What about giving up the place you are living at now and move in with your boyfriend where he is now and help pay the rent. It doesn’t sound as if you like the place or the roommates where you now live. Is this a possibility? Then everything would be legal and out in the open.

@chyna, actually, I really love my house and my roommates. I don’t blame them for their concerns, and they are very cool otherwise.

I don’t want to live with a boyfriend. I did it once, and I just can’t go through that again. Although this situation might sound similar, it’s very different, emotionally.

Seems that I just need to start sleeping alone, again. At least most of the time. Which is okay with me.

If ‘grandma & grandpa’ don’t like it, next month he maybe calling them his ex-landlords.

BTW why not go to your place? Could it possibly be that you are living with your parents or someone who wouldn’t appreciate overnight visitors?

At 25 you should know if it feels wrong, it is wrong.

Does he have a lease with them? If he is renting, I’d hope he’d have a lease. Usually overnight guests for extended periods are specified. But, if you do it like three times a week, not consecutively, then I don’t see it being an issue with the lease.

In general, if you feel like a jerk, that is a sign there is something in the situation that needs dealing with. Not necessarily the obvious thing, but something.

You need to look into yourself now. Why do you ask the internet, not the people in question? Are you asking us because in your heart of hearts you know you are imposing on them, and are wishing we will tell you “noooo, of course not”? Are you asking because in your heart of hearts you know they do not care, but you are afraid some other person might think they do, and think badly of you? Or do you really not know what they feel, and hope we can second-guess them better than you do?

In any case it seems to me that the best course of action would be to talk to the people actually involved. Maybe not ask them directly if you are bothering them – maybe you could instead say something like “You know, I know I have been staying over a lot lately… me and Boyfriend really appreciate the chance to do that. Is there anything I could do to pay you back for that kindness?” or so.

@galileogirl: I’m kind of a worrier, in general. I’ve been staying there less already, though, just because I’m so sick of feeling that vague sense of worry. I’d hate to “wrong” someone. I feel bad that I might have done that, already. Sometimes it’s hard to recognize this kind of stuff when you’re newly in love, though.

This conversation is helping a lot.

@janka, I’m asking the internet for the same reason you’re answering it. :) Thanks for the advice—it’s remarkably helpful to hear from a variety of voices. And also, I’m talking to plenty of people about offline, as well. :)

I like your idea about asking indirectly—I think they’d appreciate that kind of thing.

You know some people charge extra for an extra person. I’m sure it’s okay for you to stay there every once in a while, but every night sounds like you may as well move in with him. Even though he has a good relationship with his landlords, you should be careful not to take advantage of the situation. I would try not to stay there more than two consecutive nights.

As a landlord, I do not allow overnight guests for my tenants when they are renting a room in my house. I believe it is disrespectful to stay over when you are in the same house as the landlord without a separate entrance.

When they are renting one of my houses, they can have overnight guests for a couple weeks before we need to make other arrangements.

@ru2bz46 That’s something you lay out clearly beforehand, though, right? My opinion is, if it wasn’t settled on beforehand, then it’s probably too late to be restrictive with these things now. So long as she’s not causing him to become a bad tenant (i.e. causing noise, messing the place up, etc), it should be up to juniper and he.

He should ask his landlord/lady!

The bf could also help out in a non-financial way from time to time.

Repaint the exterior.
Put a new roof on.
Build a patio
Install a perennial garden.

Or perhaps some more modest chores.

@dUc0N Correct, lay it out in advance; however, once the situation occurs, discuss it with the landlord to prevent building resentment while nobody wants to bring it up.

so long as you’re respectful, i don’t see a reason why it wouldn’t be appropriate. especially if he’s paying, and he’s close with them. i’m sure they understand. (:

Let them be first to speak of this matter. Why do you feel the need to say anything. He is renting a room and as a renter he has rights. Just enjoy yourselves at Grandma’s and don’t sweat it.

@Zendo As a renter, he has privileges.

Landlords have rights too including putting tenants out for no reason with enough notice in most cities.

If you want to stay with the Gramps, you’d better sweat it.

Thanks for the input, everyone. Update: we decided last night that I’ll just stay over on weekends, at most. His landlords are really nice people, and I feel more comfortable avoiding potential issues.

I’ll miss spending the night with my boyfriend, but I think we’ll have plenty of time for that in the future. It’s gonna be a better experience if it’s worry-free, anyway.

Honestly, i think deep down that you do not want to do this. its awkward and to me, seems disrespectful to the older couple. i would have a difficult time with this arrangement. why not get a room elsewhere and leave this situation alone? you will feel much better if you do. you seem to have a good heart, or you would not be asking this question.