General Question

ovaslim's avatar

My girlfriend is pregnant and wants to have it...

Asked by ovaslim (37points) January 13th, 2008

My girlfriend of one year is pregnant and wants to have the child. I’m 23, she is 20, in her first year of school, but the subject matter isn’t too important in her finding a job (She can get a good one regardless). I have a job out of college but no real savings yet or anything, and am trying to progress my career.

She is willing to do it and stay at home, work from home if need be, and raise the child. She has told me she knows I need some time to forward my career and all that, but she still wants me to be part of the babies life and help her raise the child.

We are very much in love, and we work great for each other, and I can see myself being with her forever, but I do not know if having a baby at this time is right.

Essentially, I feel my time may be lost. I want to progress my career and create a name for myself, and a nice living. Is this possible with having to worry about not only a child, but my girlfriend as well? I want to help my parents retire early, and I want to make sure that when I DO have a baby, it is born in a healthy environment.

I know she wants it, but she tries to hide how much she wants it. She’s been very strong through this whole ordeal and we have the Abortion appointment this Thursday, but I know she doesn’t want to do it.

Random people that don’t know me .. what should I do? Should I have it with her? I am not ready, but I care for her so much and I don’t want to hurt her by letting the abortion go through.

I have talked to no one about this except long discussions with her. It’s a touchy subject, so I am reaching out here.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

43 Answers

hossman's avatar

I’ll answer this two ways:

Assuming you are in the U.S., you have absolutely no legal rights to determine whether or not she has an abortion or not.

Putting the law aside, let’s talk about morals and ethics. There are two possibilities, your girlfriend currently has a human baby, or she has a non-human lump of tissue.

Assuming this “thing” is not a human baby, then you are trying to persuade her to have elective surgery which you perceive as necessary and she does not. Since it is her body that will go through this, ethically, while you certainly can discuss various factors you feel she should take into account in making this decision, but the decision is hers to make, and I hope you are not trying to coerce her to do something she doesn’t want to do.

If this “thing” is a human baby, you are trying to talk her into murdering her, and your, child. I don’t think I need to discuss that any more. If this is true, what you are trying to do is a moral abomination, and I don’t use that word lightly.

Regardless of that issue, what you need to understand is that most societies don’t give women the same “benefit of the doubt” regarding children that they give to men. Let us assume this child is born. If you walk away from your responsibilities to that child, while some people might view you as a deadbeat dad, most people aren’t going to treat you any differently, because they don’t like conflict or don’t want to “judge” you. This would not be me. Walking away from these responsibilities is just plain evil in my view.

On the other hand, society has a much lower acceptance of mothers who walk away from their responsibilities to their children. Many more people will modify their opinions of your girlfriend if she does so. I should clarify, I am not referring to putting the child up for adoption. That is accepting responsiblity, and recognizing the child might better be raised by others. But if a mother just abandons children, there is a much greater stigma than for fathers.

Further, an abortion is not something that is going to happen to your mind and body. There is absolutely no way YOU will have the same physical, psychological, emotional, social and financial risks in this decision as her. Do you really think your relationship will not be affected if she has an abortion she doesn’t want in order to please you?

I think you already know the answer to your question.

syz's avatar

Ultimately, the decision to have the baby or not is hers. The decision that you have to make is whether or not to particiapte and to what degree. You both have to make a decision that you can live with.

soethe6's avatar

Of course the decision is hers, but you clearly have influence over what she does. I’d say don’t have the baby. Granted, once you do have it, you’re bound to love it and forever deny regretting it: it’s your child. That said, I think you’re right to realize what a huge burden a child is. Adorable or not, it certainly will hold you back, not to mention your girlfriend. It’s just a question of whether you think it’s worth it. But be clear with yourself: baby equals more responsibility, financial burden, and a more settled lifestyle. That or you end up turning tail at some point, which of course nobody wants to see happen.

ovaslim's avatar

Thanks for the responses so far.

You guys are right, the decision is ultimately hers and I have in no way tried to push her. She asked me, what is my take, and I thought long and hard and told her as much as I love her, and as possible as I see it being, that we are not in the stages of our lives to have a baby and it would be very hard to get through it.

I told her ultimately though, it IS her decision. She told me that she will have the abortion because “It’s not fair to me”, which makes me feel guilty in a way, but I can see that she is looking out for me.

However despite her deciding to go through with it (This was already decided long before I made my initial post by the way), I can tell she does not want to go through with it and wants to have it, but I think she somewhat understands how hard it would be.

My question is now .. Do I just let it all go through and support the abortion, or do I tell her “Let’s have it.” I know if I said it, and truly meant it, that would make her the happiest girl on the planet, but it’s very hard to say it, because my feeling is, we are not ready (As described in my initial post)

omfgTALIjustIMDu's avatar

Since your girlfriend seems like she desperately wants to have this baby, she should and you should not be the force holding her back from that. However, once born, if it turns out you really are not in the position to take care of this baby, there are always adoption centers.

klaas4's avatar

“However, once born, if it turns out you really are not in the position to take care of this baby, there are always adoption centers”

I kinda think that is fast said. Oh well, I can’t take care of the baby, so we’ll put him/her on for adoption.

If you eh, did it, you must think about the things that come afterwards, like maybe taking care of a baby, first, not after it. I obviously don’t know if you did this already. :-)

On the other side, having a baby is the most wonderful thing that can ever happen to a couple, especially if you love each other so much, which you do. :-)

So my final verdict, as you maybe have expected, do it. Just do it. The greatest thing on earth is seeing your child develop. And I know because I am one, and heard it from my parents ;-).

P.S. If I have insulted anyone, please, don’t be, I mean this all positive! Thanks.

omfgTALIjustIMDu's avatar

@klaas4, I guess what I was trying to convey was my ideal that putting a child up for adoption is better than an abortion (especially if the mom wants to have the baby). My personal opinion, not meant to offend.

klaas4's avatar

Okey, I understand now. :-)

Adoption indeed is better then abortion. But keeping is better then adoption.

bob's avatar

Tough, tough question.

It’s incredibly frightening, but consider the possibility that you might actually be ready—or as ready as someone can be. If you’re willing to be committed to being with your girlfriend, or being willing to be in the baby’s life, then you’re ready. If you’re not going to do that, then that’s a problem—but that’s a choice, it’s not about readiness.

There’s a David Foster Wallace short story on this subject that I think is important. I know that’s terrible advice to give, but here’s a link.

It’s good that you’re being honest with your girlfriend about where you’re at. Maybe talking with other people in your life—people who know you and have the ability to challenge you and/or sympathize with you more directly—will help you to figure out what you want.

Not wanting to hurt your girlfriend is a bad reason to have a baby. But convincing your girlfriend to have an abortion when she wants to have the baby is also bad.

zina's avatar

I don’t have a response right now – but I want to congratulate you on your thoughtful and courageous posting here, and I think your thinking on the topic is right on track. It is her decision, but you are a couple and are both impacted by the decision (with strongest/longest consequences in the case that you have the child, obviously), and more fully so since you are clearly a devoted and responsible partner (and possibly future parent). I respect that you are looking at it as a joint decision in that sense, and I think that’s a mature and developed perspective. You are also not underestimating the weight and responsibility of having a child, which is both of your responsibility. Nor are you ignoring the impact of having the abortion on her (which even when women feel very sure about it can be a very difficult experience). You have a very complex and difficult role to play in this decision-making process (you showed awareness of that in being sensitive to how she seems to really feel about it, beyond the decision you as a couple had reached, and trying not to pressure her, but also needing to weigh your own life and goals)—in that way, it’s not only her decision, and it’s wonderful that you are engaged and involved.

Just as you don’t want to pressure her, she shouldn’t pressure you, and you should be careful about being pressured by the opinions of people here. People have very different opinions about these things (for instance, in many cases I would find abortion MUCH better than adoption), and you (as a couple) have your own ethics and things you are comfortable with, and your situation is full of many complex aspects that we’ll never know—- from your job fields, to your maturity and readiness for children, the stability and commitment of your relationship, your financial situation and living conditions, your work experience and motivation, the support of your families, your life aspirations, goals, preferences, and priorities…........ it goes on and on. In such intense, high-emotion, just-a-few-days-to-decide times, you could be very impacted by just a couple of random comments. At the end of the day, this is a big decision and one both of you need to live with. The more you reflect on what feels right to you, what you believe in, your life goals, your flexibility to handle unexpected situations, what you want to prioritize at this point of decision-making, etc…. the better. No solution will seem perfect at this moment, and you just have to find the one that you are most comfortable with in the long run. Beyond your personal reflection, you have the very-important conversations with your girlfriend—- trying to be sensitive, understanding, thorough, imaginative, practical, and everything else as you listen to and talk to each other.

Again, I am not proposing one solution or another – and I don’t want these comments read into that way. I can absolutely see arguments for both the abortion and going through with the pregnancy. [[now i feel i should give examples, which may or may not apply to you——- An abortion is a one-time thing (vs. kids last forever), an abortion may be hard for her but depending on the situation nowhere near that of raising children (especially if she ends up a single mom), if you are really not ready you really are not ready and that means bringing kids into an unfair situation, working and saving enough $ for kids may be way more than you realize or are able to manage now, you can always have kids later (even in just a year or two), if you don’t have the communication groundwork and your relationship can’t handle it you may end up in a messy breakup/divorce (in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years) which may be full of fights and drama and impact both of you and the child for years to come – and all that is way heavier and more difficult than stopping the pregnancy now, etc etc etc. On the other hand, kids are wonderful and incredible, and you are in love, and maybe life’s giving you a little push that you can handle, no one is ever ‘ready’, the two of you confirm your commitment to one another and form a family, and there’s never “a good time” if you look at having kids too practically, and as adults you can work out the issues of careers and family, and having love (and maybe kids) is more important than a fancy house or car (or even tv) – in other words, family is a higher priority than careers and material things, plus you choose your lifestyle and how to budget and spend your money, people have historically and around the world had kids at your age, etc etc etc. ]] The point is, I would have to know you much better as people to have a sense of what made sense for you.

skfinkel's avatar

Really difficult. And you realize, already I would suspect from these answers, that no one can make this decision for you or her. You both have to do it. So, these answers are kind of what we would do if we were in this situation. Here’s my take. She is probably going to be upset having an abortion—and she may not be able to forget that your were the main reason she did it. While you may not be ready to have a baby, you are 23 and not 16. She is 20 and not 14. You are in many ways grown-ups (other than you somehow forgot to not get pregnant). If you do love her, as you say you do, why not marry her, and make a commitment to raise the child? A baby that comes out of love is a wonderful thing. It will be hard. But it always is—you don’t get much sleep for about a year. But it’s much easier if she stays home and cares for the baby in its first years. She can continue her education part time for a while and then return after the baby is older. You will be tired, but many fathers advance in their careers. You don’t say what your career is: I hope it’s not a 60 to 80 a week deal. This is the answer from a woman who has four children and would have had a very hard time having an abortion. But I also have lots of education, some before my first child, and some after my last child. There are lots of great ways to live a life—and sometimes things happen that weren’t planned, but might be just wonderful. Good luck in whatever you choose.

sndfreQ's avatar

“We are very much in love, and we work great for each other, and I can see myself being with her forever, but I do not know if having a baby at this time is right.”

In life very few things ever ‘line up to be the ‘right time’. As for kids, very very few people actually plan to have them and actually ‘nail it’ (no pun intended) according to their ‘timeline’. You can’t live life wholly in ideals; that’s part of what life is about-triumphing over adversity.

It seems that your instincts are serving you well and from what you describe your fiancee is at least in-part in tune with your career goals. If you are both willing to work together to get there then this issue with having the child, while no doubt is going to have its share of struggles, you’ll look back on this as a time that was tough but worth the sacrifice…

“I am not ready, but I care for her so much and I don’t want to hurt her by letting the abortion go through.”

It sounds like this sums it up-you seem to know the right direction for the both of you-as you seem to have the answer right there in your heart and values. Realize that for better or worse, the moment she conceived marked a change for the both of you forever-what she needs from you most right now is courage to face up to both the responsibility and to make the decision as to whether or not you are going to move the relationship forward…this like all big decisions in life should not be taken lightly or figured with a solution that is a “way out”.

On the abortion issue, no matter what your values are or beliefs toward choice/life, a decision to abort will undoubtedly be a decision that will haunt you both for the rest of your lives…especially if you do end up with her for the ‘long haul’, you will regret it for the rest of your lives when you realize the family before you will always be missing one soul…

Every opportunity to bring a child into this world is truly “a gift”’s one of the few guiltless pleasures in life. I’ve been with my wife for 18 years (since high school) and though we are living ‘exceptions to the rule’, our love, family values and communication have gotten us through all of the challenges so far…good luck to you

Spargett's avatar


You’re way too young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t let a baby you’re not ready for ruin it. Trust me, if you move forward on a shaky platform, it’ll only end in tears for everyone. I’ve seen it happen too many times.

vanguardian's avatar

Morality issues aside…it seems that you will have something in the back of your mind either way. If you two choose to have an abortion, you might regret it and through time it will thin out. If you do decide to have the baby, I think you won’t regret it. It is hard to explain the emotions you will feel when the baby is born. It is an emotion that nobody taps into or has ever felt until you have a child. I did not expect nor believed that I would ever have those emotions. Sorry to be so blunt, but you would have to be mentally challenged to feel regret after the birth. So that being said I feel for you and you need to make this decision together. When you need to make a choice when something unexpected happens, you will always second guess yourself. Really try to dig down deep and do what your heart feels us the best choice, not your mind. Whatever you choose, don’t ever feel ashamed and worry about what other people will think. Its nobody elses business to judge you. Keep your head up.

hossman's avatar

A very close friend of mine had an abortion. She has since spent a lot of time thinking about her decision. Looking at her life myself, much of what many people would call success that she now has in her life, she very possibly would not have now (although none of us can know the possibilities that may have been) if she had given birth to and raised that baby. Yet she still wonders if she made the right decision.

The point of saying this is I will pass on to you what she tells other people facing this choice. As I am male, and have never faced this decision myself, I would imagine her perspective is far more valuable than mine.

She suggests that you imagine the person that would be likely to result from being raised by you and your partner. She suggests that you imagine that person at 21 years old, now an independent adult. She suggests that you imagine setting out and explaining for that person all of the reasons for and against abortion, adoption and raising the child yourself. And then ask that person what they would have done.

I don’t know if that’s possible for you. I don’t know if that’s good advice. I just thought I would pass it on.

I would suggest you encourage your girlfriend make a decision out of love, not fear. As a parent of three, I will tell you that nobody, NOBODY, no matter how prepared, no matter how wealthy, how knowledgeable, how suitable, is in any way ever ready for their first child. It is always a leap of faith and love. Yet somehow, so many of us make it work.

If you and your girlfriend aren’t sure, I encourage you to seek adoption, which seems to me to provide for many of the very contradictory needs you have here. Unlike abortion, if either of you change your minds later, it provides at least some possibility of being in this child’s life later. At least you would know you provided some possibility of a future for that potential life. I am always very cautious about options that last forever. Unfortunately, the very importance of this decision creates stress that may cloud your ability to make the best decision.

hossman's avatar

Something just occurred to me at this moment, that you would think I would have thought of sometime in the last 12 years of discussing these issues as a family law attorney.

In a legal sense, there is no provision made for considering the interests of a potential life until the child is born. The moment a child is born, a court can appoint an attorney or guardian for the child to protect its interests if the parents are not acting in the child’s best interests. There are many cases out there that limit the ability of the legal system to protect the unborn “potential life” (I can’t think of a more neutral term) even when, say, a mother is endangering it by harmful conduct.

But should we wait for the legal system? Perhaps on a moral level, potential parents must begin thinking of the child’s interest before birth.

I’ve always thought too little consideration is given by the legal system for the potential rights of the potential life before birth. But I was probably looking to the wrong place.

I’ve taken another look at your original post, and there is discussion of your needs and wishes, and your girlfriend’s needs and wishes, and even trying to provide for your parents to retire early. I suggest your obligations here far exceed any obligation to help your parents to retire early.

I encourage you to start now to consider this potential life’s needs, for now and for the future, and to begin now to include that in your decision making. Perhaps thinking like a parent needs to begin before birth, not after.

mdy's avatar

I worry a bit about your girlfriend’s statement:
She told me that she will have the abortion because “It’s not fair to me”

It almost sounds like she feels pressure to choose between what’s good for you v. what’s good for her and what’s good for the baby.

Put another way, I wouldn’t feel comfortable being in a position where she can one day regret having the abortion, and she’ll be able to blame you for having had one (because she did it to be “fair to you.”)

One thing that’s not completely clear to me (and which I hope you won’t mind me asking about) is this: Do you know what you will do if she decides to keep the baby? Many have already pointed out that it’s ultimately her decision. But you also have your own decision to make after she’s made her decision.

Will you stay with her and take responsibility for the child and claim the child as your own and support the child as your own? Or will you decide to end the relationship and stay away from her and the child?

If I were in her shoes, I think I’d want to know the answer to that question before I make my decision. At least then I can make the decision with a full understanding of the consequences, and a full understanding of the kind of future our relationship will have.

maggiesmom1's avatar

I have to say that I’m a little bit flabbergasted by the number of people who find abortion more easy-to-live-with than adoption. Yes. It’s always difficult for someone to give birth to a child and then give that child to a family better equipped to raise said child. However, the thought that ending that child’s life is a better option really just drives home to me how completely misguided our culture has become.
That said, if you believe your girlfriend has only agreed to the abortion to make you happy, then you owe it both to her and to yourself to let her off the hook. Nothing good can come from her going through with something she doesn’t really want to in order to please someone else. Whether or not you feel the time is right for a baby, the decision HAS to be ultimately hers and she may need you to say to her, “Hey, I know how I feel about this, but I want you to know that the decision is yours and (if you feel this way) I will support whatever decision you make. Please don’t do this if you’re only doing it to please me.” Because, honestly? She’ll never forgive you.
You also mentioned a desire to help your parents retire early – which is a noble and wonderful goal. If you have such strong ties and connections to your parents, you might want to consider how they’d feel knowing that their financial gain came with the loss of this potential grandchild. It’s just something to keep in mind as you make your decision – because the decision affects more people than you & your girlfriend. And, maybe, because of that, you should seek the counsel of people who know you better and may have the ability & experience to help you navigate such difficult waters.
Ultimately, as everyone has said, the decision HAS to be your girlfriend’s. What a loving, supportive partner does in this situation is to be there & support her in that decision.

zina's avatar

Knowing several people who went through the foster care system (and had very, very difficult childhoods), adoption is not necessarily a simple and happy option. I (personally) have a hard time imagining being an otherwise happy/healthy/stable and in-love 20-year-old woman, wanting to have a child, going through a long pregnancy, reaching the magical moment of birth referred to so many times above, and then giving that child away. That person’s existence would weigh on me so much more (what happened to them? should I be involved in their life? will they be scarred by knowing I gave them up? are they happy? could i be raising them better? how will it go if i meet them later on? how will they relate to the children i have later and raise? where are they now? etc etc) than knowing that I ended a process in which cells in my body were starting to form what would become a person (of course, how to state that depends on how far I was in the pregnancy – assuming it was early on), or dealing with the unexpected and raising the child. I really do not mean here to downplay the intensity of abortion or the beliefs that people hold around the beginning of life, or the challenges involved in raising children, but only to point to the very powerful, very concrete, and very emotional implications of adoptions. For me personally (and I am not at all saying that there is some inherent right or wrong, or true-for-everyone), that would be much, much more to deal with and much harder to sleep with at night.

I just wouldn’t take all the statements above about adoption as true for everyone. And it certainly does not strike me as an ideal solution in this situation, where a woman wants to keep a child! It could be the worst of all worlds.

sndfreg: “a decision to abort will undoubtedly be a decision that will haunt you both for the rest of your lives”—- I really do not agree with this. You may not forget that it happened, but many, many women and men feel that they made the right decision with abortion and go on to have happy families. Again, I am not PRO-abortion or pushing it in this situation, I am just pointing out that people have different beliefs and reconcile these things differently with themselves, their partners, and their spirituality—- it does NOT haunt everyone.

sndfreQ's avatar

@zina: point taken; maybe the word haunt is a bit heavy-handed here, but I guess my point was that the memory of the decision, the gravity of the situation of having to go forward with such a decision (terminating the pregnancy), and the emotional impact thereafter are burdens on both the individual and the couple that will strain any relationship-I don’t think saying this much would be an exaggeration. I was trying to convey the idea that the immensity of the problem goes beyond the superficiality of the immediate situation, but alas, the message was fumbled by the messenger…

glial's avatar

The best thing that ever happened to me was my son being born. He was a “surprise” as well. At the time, 2001, I thought it was the end of the world. Since his birth, my wife has finished college and I went back to school, started completely over at 30 and graduated 4 years later.

My son is now 6, we have a great income and great life. Was it easy? No. Would it have been easier without him? Without him, I probably wouldn’t have gone back to school. Without him, I probably wouldn’t have quit drinking.

I can’t image or really remember life without him.

So, to answer your question, you are young, but not a child. If you are aware of the challenges, which it seems you are, you can over come them.

It will be worth it!

Eleanor's avatar

I think your girlfriend knows what’s she wants, and it’s amazing that you’re thinking so deeply into this. Me being a woman as well and around the same age I know that it would be the most difficult thing you’ll ever do in your life, but it could also be amazing, raising a child that was created out of love, why wouldn’t you want to bring that miracle into this world. It’ll be a “financial burden” but there will be alot of great times, yes there will be some hard times. But you just have to let your girlfriend know that you love her and want her to do the right thing all the while knowing what you want and think is right.

Having an abortion may see like a simply quick fix but it’ll weigh on your minds for a long time if not forever.

Don’t jump to any answers, this is a situation that needs alot of thinking. And I hope you make the right decision for you and your girlfriend.

ovaslim's avatar

Thanks guys for all your answers. We talked a bit about it more last night but nothing changed really. We talked, and the solution was still the same. I told her, it’s ultimately her decision and she should do what feels right, but she simply said “It’s not fair to you (me)” which makes me feel kind of guilty.

At this point, I do not know what to do. I’ve told her all I could, I’ve exhausted every last breathe in letting her know how I feel, and how she should do what’s right for her, and I think the best thing to do now is to just wait and let her do what she feels right come Thursday, when the appointment is scheduled for.

Poser's avatar

First, you have to decide, in your own mind, if she is the right woman for you. Be brutally honest with yourself. Imagine there is no pregnancy and ask yourself whether you would ever want to marry her. Forget about how you feel about her and about the pregnancy. Just be honest with yourself about the potential of your relationship to be a happy and healthy marriage. If you can honestly say that you believe the two of you could make it work without a baby (and you really want to), you’re halfway there. In other words, don’t stay with her because she’s pregnant with—and hopefully giving birth to—your baby. If you two can’t make it work without a baby, there is no way you can make it work with one.

If the answer is yes, you want to be with her, then you’ve got to let her have the baby. Tell her to forget about how fair to you it may be (perhaps remind her that it’s even less fair to her), and do not let her get an abortion she doesn’t want. If you do love her, you won’t put her through something she’ll likely regret forever.

If the answer is no, you don’t think the two of you could make it work (or you’re not entirely committed to her—again, baby aside), then you’ve got to be honest with her about it. Again, tell her that she ought to have the baby since it’s what she wants. Support her, support the child (financially and otherwise), and go on with your life.

Either way, if you care at all about her, you won’t encourage her to make a choice that she will probably regret forever, regardless of the consequences of that choice.

As frightening as looming fatherhood may seem, let me assure you that it is completely doable. I was several years younger than you and barely married to my wife when she unexpectedly conceived. Neither of us had more than a high school diploma, and my income was barely enough for one person to live on, much less three. But she was able to stay home with our son until he was in school, and now both of us have graduated from college.

And being a father is the greatest gift I’ve ever experienced. I know it’s scary, but I hope you make the right choice. Congratulations.

sfgal's avatar

If you really love your girlfriend, your job here is to help her look into her heart and make the decision she already knows she wants to make. In this case, it sounds like she knows she wants to have the child. If you let her go through with the abortion knowing that she doesn’t want to have it, you’re setting yourself up for many, many problems down the road as she lives with those regrets. For what it’s worth, I’m saying this as someone who is strongly pro-choice and believes that abortion should remain safe and legal.

I’m surprised to hear that she has been so vocal about the fact that she wants to have the baby but is willing to have an abortion “for you.” this seems like a confusing dynamic to me. Is there a chance that she might secretly want to have an abortion but feels guilty or scared and is latching on to the fact that it’s “for you” as a way to avoid guilt/blame? I think this might be an important issue to discuss.

That said, if she really wants to have the baby, and if you love her and want to stay with her, you should help her feel empowered to make the decision she wants to make.

susanc's avatar

Seems like you are not yet a couple. She sees a big difference between what she wants and what you want, and you can’t persuade her this is not the case, because it is the case
You see a big difference between her vision and yours as well. So you cannot work as a unit. Everyone says you should keep talking to each other, and you have been, valiantly – but nothing is changng. Talk is cheap, to tell the truth. So stop, feel, and meditate.
You could find that having a baby is exactly as life-changing, in a good way, as many of your Flutherfriends say. (I think they’re right.) But you have a very young woman here trying to make a decision by second-guessing you. It’s not going to work. You can’t tell her what you really want her to do, and she can’t figure out how to make you feel what she feels. I’m so sorry. This is one of those times when one of you has to be really generous – leap-of-faith generous, generous for all eternity. If one or both of you can do that, then you really are a couple. But I don’t think you’re there yet.

I agree with the majority here that if she has an abortion against her own instincts “to be fair to you”, the relationship is not going to prosper.

It’s very hard. My heart is with you. You’re a good guy. Count on this and from your deepest sellf, tell the truth.

TheKitchenSink's avatar

If she refuses to listen to your side, then you’re screwed and should break it off asap, as someone who won’t listen to you is not a good partner, ever. Also, IMO, don’t have the baby. Trust me, babies suck.

klaas4's avatar

“Trust me, babies suck.”

That is absolutely not true. Babies are the new parents of the world, and if no one raises a child, the world will become an inhabited planet, which isn’t totally right, well is it?

We all have to contribute to society. With babies, that is.

sndfreQ's avatar

@TKS…you a parent?

hossman's avatar

TheKitchenSink: I cannot begin, within the boundaries of manners and self-control, to address the many levels at which such a brief post, in light of the wonderful and sensitive advice given by so many above (zina’s and poster’s posts have done much, at least in my mind, to ameliorate past differences we have had) is inappropriate to the discussion in this thread. Insensitive is far too mild a term. Evidently, you suggest ovaslim immediately terminate this relationship, regardless of the effect it may have on this baby and its parents, because the mother is “not a good partner” as she will not have an abortion she clearly doesn’t want just because her partner decrees it, because “babies suck.”

[Edited by moderators]

ironhiway's avatar

I have a wonderful 8 year old son. His arrival into my life has changed a great many things, my priorities and how I think about life.

I can tell you that when your lying on your deathbed and thinking about your life it wont be your career you’ll be thinking about. It will be personal memories of how you faced wonderful and also challenging moments in your relationships with your parents, partner’(s), and most of all your children. The choice you and she make now will be one of those memories.

Personally I believe life is not defined on how far you climbed the ladder.

A child, although a major responsibility, does not hinder you from being great at your career.

You may find that as you are challenged in your career that you succeed far greater because there’s someone else there counting on you.

smart1979's avatar

If she wants it, and you two are together, you should definitely have it. If it really doesn’t work out, then consider adoption. In my opinion, abortion shouldn’t even be an option here.

Response moderated
Response moderated
Response moderated
Response moderated
Response moderated
Response moderated
Response moderated
andrew's avatar

[moderation] Flame-off.

Poser's avatar

Three cheers for Fluther moderators.

my2cents's avatar

Let me share my perspective as a father with a son 18 graduating this year and his girlfriend 18 also graduating this year and due date of June 9th. Broken condom there 2nd time making love…pregnant and she decided to have the baby. My son is freaking out. Here is what I told the both of them. As far as the baby messing up your life[s] is bull shit. I do not know very many people that planed when they were going to have a child. When the money will be right etc. I told them that what ever your relationship turns out you must maintain your responsibility. It kinda like having a dog except the responsibility of course is of a higher level. I do not think that really you can ever pick the perfect time to have a child. And yes it is difficult to have the responsibility so young and unexpected. But my experience is that life is constantly going to throw shit at you…its never ending, rich, poor, the challenges of life never stop coming at you. And a child is for me the only responsibility and challenge that gives you something no amount of money can buy…LOVE and the effect of that child will be the best reward for taking the responsibility return on investment. And before you know it they are 18 and getting ready to leave on their own. Passing on all the values and giving love and being loved in return is worth it. Yes its scary as hell just getting out of high school…hell this is the time the real world becomes real. But SOBER kids that are booth high achivers will adapt and over come and every year, every moment that child developed will give you a feeling that can not be put in words. And I stress the importance of the 2 parents not using drugs or drinking are way ahead of people older that have a kid and have been living in a detached reality. Its her choice and my son was angry and now is kinda frozen as the days count closer to due date. He I think has fallen in a bit of depression. But once the baby gets here and the reality of that product of there love in his hands will make this I can not believe this is really happing snap him out. And I also agree with “glial ” (2263 *) I kinda lost my flow but OI hope you get the nuggets from my post.

Strauss's avatar

Some time ago, my wife’s sister became pregnant unexpectedly. She and we all knew she was in no shape to raise a child. my wife and I had been raising her older set of twins since they were 7, but that’s another story We all made the decision that we would adopt. I had the opportunity to bond with the baby the day she was born, and we brought her home from the hospital and went through the adoption process. I will have to delay my retirement for about ten years, but it is well worth the change of plans.

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther