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whateveritis's avatar

I am exhausted but I cannot share this "secret" or can I?

Asked by whateveritis (49points) August 9th, 2009

I don’t know what to do. I had started a special relationship with this person and we both liked each other. However, this relationship has gone sour and I have become unimportant to this person. I am so sad that I want to share my feelings and sadness to others, get comforted. However, this person told me our relationship is a secret and I cannot share with others. Although this person thinks it is a secret, not for me because I am ok to let others know about our relationship. Now I am so sad, trapped and hurt, what should I do now? Is it right for me to let go my emotions and my feelings without mentioning who this person is? Shall I continue to keep this to myself and bottle it up?

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22 Answers

johnny0313x's avatar

I think you need to walk away..sounds shady…a relationship shouldn’t be a secret…

Saturated_Brain's avatar

Whatever you do, know that life still goes on. If you really respect secrets, then don’t share it. Did you promise this person to keep it secret though?

sakura's avatar

A secret relationship sounds a bit strange, whatis their reason for wanting to keep it secret? If you can’t share your happiness then what’s the point? I’d be careful of this person and try to find out what they want from your relationship. Also why they want it to be a secret. Bottling up feelings and emotions is never a good thing as it usually ends with an explosion, its better to nip it in the bud before it becomes to big for you to control. x

augustlan's avatar

Why the secrecy? If it’s a good reason, you can certainly talk to your friends without naming any names. If it’s a bad reason, don’t keep this secret.

Lupin's avatar

Here’ a hypothetical. (I am assuming you are female because of the way you asked the question.) He’s married, you’re not, and you both work in the same office or other close environment like church, etc. When this relationship started you knew the score.
He had more to lose (family, job, credibility…) so he asked you to keep quiet and you agreed. You enjoyed the ride.

Now it’s over. Suck it up and keep the details quiet like you promised. Even if you hate his guts at the end you’ll be showing some class. A secret is not a secret if more than two people know. You know that. If you tell A, she will tell B, who will imply it to C and then it is on your Facebook Wall.
If you have to vent, then find a real friend you can trust. Someone who will take your info to the grave. Do you have one? If not, see a therapist who will keep it confidential.

Consider the experience part of growing up. Learn from this and make sure your next bf is unattached. Believe it or not you are stronger person because of this. Good luck.
(If you are a guy then swap the he/she.)

aronnax's avatar

How long is the relationship first? I need to know more before I pass judgment.

Buttonstc's avatar

Aronnax. Based upon your previous reply to another I only have this to say

Go away troll.

ShanEnri's avatar

I say keep the secret and go after your freedom. No one should be burdened by sadness! You should be the most important person in this secret persons life, that means no secrets!

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Sounds controlling on their part – screw the secrecy

whateveritis's avatar

Hey fluthers thank you. I would not go into details as it is complicated but I feel better as you guys are really supportive.

marinelife's avatar

How old are you? Is this by any chance a relationship with an authority figure like a teacher or minister? if it is, the secrecy is wrong.

If your lover is a married man, the relationship is also wrong.

You need to look at your own situation. This is clearly not a healthy relationship. You deserve an open relationship in which you both share events, fun things, public outings, dates.

A relationship in which you meet furtively for sex is not really a relationship. it is you allowing yourself to be used. You deserve better.

Please tell yourself that.

gailcalled's avatar

In good relationships, one person does not tell the other how to behave, what to think, or how to feel. You have no obligation to bottle things up, feel trapped, hurt or sad. Do what’s best for you. Here’s some backbone…l…

“This person told me our relationship is a secret and I cannot share with others.”

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I’m with @augustlan on this, some secrets are meant to be kept free of names and identifying details. If you have reached a point where you are suffering rather than thriving then remove yourself as gently as possible and chuck up the experience to, “I gave it a go and it’s not for me”.

Sarcasm's avatar

I’d suggest leave him, and quit dating married men.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Sarcasm he doesn’t have to be married – she can be jewish he can be catholic, you know that kind of thing

Judi's avatar

@Marina , I was wondering the same thing. If this is secret because others might think it’s inappropriate then run. If it’s because you are underage, go to the authorities. Just because you consented does not make you any less a victim here.

cyn's avatar

Screw your boy-friend! He’s not worth your timel

Supacase's avatar

Maybe it is another girl who has not come out yet. It wouldn’t be cool to out her to make yourself feel better. If it is a married man, especially with children, I would let it go. If it is an authority figure, I would tell. Whatever the scenario, you need to walk away and look after yourself.

aprilsimnel's avatar

You don’t have to live this way, especially if the other person is losing interest in you. At all times, you have a choice. Some choices may feel more painful in the short term than others, but you have to do what is best for you in the long run.

Secret relationships usually aren’t in the category of “best in the long run”.

whateveritis's avatar

@Marina, thank you but please don’t ask me my age or any more questions. I do appreciate your advise and it is probably a blessing of disguise now the person is not interested in me anymore. @aprilsimnel, I hope it is a short term pain.

dannyc's avatar

Move on, sound like trouble to me.

whateveritis's avatar

Your advices are all valuable. I guess it’s much easier for others who have a clearer mind to see how wrong the relationship was. Whether it is a secret doesn’t seem to be important any more. Thank you and thank you again.

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