Social Question

icaruslives's avatar

How can I persuade my girlfriend into a threesome?

Asked by icaruslives (21points) September 28th, 2009

It’s something of a holy grail to me, and I don’t think I should get married until I’ve experienced it.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

90 Answers

Supacase's avatar

I suppose you could give her that ultimatum – threesome or no wedding. should go over well…

nikipedia's avatar

Is this a serious question or were you just hoping to hear a lot of different versions of “you’re being a jerk”?

dpworkin's avatar

If she needs to be “persuaded” then you are already out-of-line, and you probably know it. Go hire a couple of hookers, and leave your poor girlfriend out of it.

PretentiousArtist's avatar

If she doesn’t want to do it, then you should respect that.

RareDenver's avatar

You will just have to ask her which one of your male friends she would like to have a go on and then invite him around.

holden's avatar

I smell a troll.

Syger's avatar

It’s not my holy grail… :(
Regardless you should respect her and her decision if she does not want to have one.

marinelife's avatar

I like @pdworkin‘s idea if you feel you must. Why should your girlfriend do something sexually that makes her uncomfortable?

If you were my guy, I would run, not walk, the other way.

SuperMouse's avatar

Isn’t a threesome the holy grail for most men?~

Anyway, I really like @Supacase‘s idea of an ultimatum. If she has any self-respect she’ll say no way and she’ll be finished with you.

DarkScribe's avatar

Easy. Introduce her to two new guys and wave goodbye.

Sarcasm's avatar

Have you considered…asking her? Usually a wise first step.

Noel_S_Leitmotiv's avatar

Your question doesn’t contain enough information:

Define ‘threesome’. What’s the gender of the other party?

chicadelplaya's avatar

If she’s uncomfortable with it and you actually care about her, don’t push the issue. I had an old bf who was constantly suggesting a threesome and I wanted nothing to do with it. I lost all respect for him, especially when I realized he would only be pressuring me into something like that, because he didn’t have enough respect for me and our relationship. Pinche perro.

icaruslives's avatar

@Noel_S_Leitmotiv 2 girls and me in the middle :)

dpworkin's avatar

Yeah, what a surprise.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I don’t think you should get married at all.

fireinthepriory's avatar

@icaruslives If you want two girls to just pleasure YOU, it won’t be a threesome. For a real threesome, there has to be trust and attraction between all three members. Considering you don’t seem to care about those things, you should listen to @pdworkin‘s advice.

marinelife's avatar

@icaruslives It is almost impossible to imagine why she would not want to accommodate a giving, caring guy like you.~

veronasgirl's avatar

I HOPE this is a Troll, because if this person is actually serious then I feel sorry for their girlfriend.
Seriously if all you care about is having a threesome go out and get two willing strippers. You probably don’t want to be married anyway, and your girlfriend could do better.

whatthefluther's avatar

Rather than something you feel you need or deserve before getting married, isn’t this something you should have sought before you got a girlfriend? Why the fuck should she feel the need to share you with another woman. Is it OK with you to share her with another man? By your selfish attitude, I rather doubt it. Being the gentleman you think you are, extend her that offer first. I seriously doubt you are headed for marriage…..back to being single is where I would put my money. See ya….Gary/wtf

Facade's avatar

Your point of view is seriously misguided and I hope you girlfriend wises up.

filmfann's avatar

If you want a threesome, ask your girlfriend if you can invite your best friend to join in.

asmonet's avatar

Guys, Icarus was banned.
Figure it out.

dpworkin's avatar

You mean I wasted my precious acid wit on an absentee OP?

asmonet's avatar

@pdworkin: Icarus was banned, the OP is IcarusLives.

DUN DUN DUN.

dpworkin's avatar

Oh. thank God! Nothing was wasted! Now I shall be able to sleep.

Sariperana's avatar

‘spose you could always give her a hard knock on the head…
Im with the hooker idea – though make sure your girlfriend is aware, if she stays then good for you – if she doesnt, i dont blame her.

Flo_Nightengale's avatar

No means no and you should respect her decision.

icaruslives's avatar

@pdworkin @PretentiousArtist @Syger @Sarcasm @Flo_Nightengale “Persuade” was the wrong choice of words—I haven’t asked yet. I am evaluating my approach and seek the best way to go about it in a manner that’s respectful of our relationship. I do anticipate some resistance, and thus would like to be equipped to be as persuasive as possible. @SuperMouse @Marina @DrasticDreamer I love her to death but need to get this out of my system if I’m ever going to lock in for marriage—and in a perfect world this threesome would be with her (2 hookers is easy, and disgusting). @whatthefluther I am a consummate gentleman, and my fantasy is a valid desire to “non-verbally communicate” with two women simultaneously, a desire which @fireinthepriory I fully intend to make rewarding for everyone involved. If I have to start with 2 dudes 1 girl then so be it @RareDenver @filmfann, but won’t it sound like a gangbang? No mind tricks, no disrespect, no selfishness, and my lord no hookers @Sariperana—just three consenting adults in a waterbed.

C’mon, wisdom of the crowds… Ladies, is there anything intriguing about a threesome that I should highlight to my girlfriend? Fellas, if you’ve navigated this territory before, please enlighten me.

laureth's avatar

The only intriguing thing I learned is that the anticipation and setup was very much an “Oh, that’s it?” by the end.

fireinthepriory's avatar

@icaruslives You should have made that your original question and there would have been no resistance and probably some enlightening answers…

DrBill's avatar

The secret is to be open with your desires before she becomes your SO. That way there is no “springing it on her” after the relationship develops. I use SM (different from S&M) and it works well.

By the way, the holy grail is the tri-fecta. Accomplish that and you’ll be glad there’s not a second girl to take care of.

DarkScribe's avatar

I am a consummate gentleman, and my fantasy is a valid desire to “non-verbally communicate” with two women simultaneously

Best laugh that I have had this week.

Aethelwine's avatar

@laureth You are right. Sometimes fantasies should just be… fantasies.

icaruslives's avatar

@DrBill What is SM? And what is a trifecta (outside of horse betting)?

DarkScribe's avatar

Serial Monogamy?

DrBill's avatar

@icaruslives

Check you comments

wickedbetty's avatar

Hmmm I don’t think you should have your girl friend there when you are trying to figure out if your fantasies about men are something you should act on…

obodicle's avatar

Sugary treats perhaps.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Your gf should want to want to do this or else it will be a disaster. Here are some scenarios:

* your gf is crazy about you, super secure in your attraction for her and she is open to bringing another girl in for sex, maybe a friend of hers she trusts and picks, probably not a girl you know that you’d pick.

* your gf is crazy about you, super secure in your attraction for her and is suddenly shocked you’re thinking about wanting an additional woman in order to feel sexually satisfied. Your gf is now insecure, questioning every moment the two of you ever spent together and is mad because she can’t enjoy sex with you the same without thinking of what you’ve brought up. She will always be thinking you crave for more than she can provide.

* You do as @pdworkin suggests, go off with two prostitutes, get this thing settled for yourself and keep your mouth shut about it otherwise your gf finds out, is absolutely mortified and feels the whole relationship has been a farce, she is tortured by her love for you but will never accept your love for her the same as before, it all goes to shit.

ask yourself, “how much do I love this girl? choose your actions accordingly.

Corey_D's avatar

If it isn’t something that she desires as well then just forget about it. There are very few people that are willing to share their SO. If you don’t have that kind of open relationship then you shouldn’t even consider a threesome.

Be open and honest and tell her what you want and why but don’t be surprised if it upsets her. I imagine she will want to know why she isn’t enough and you better have an answer for that.

Is this fantasy really worth losing your girlfriend over?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@icaruslives I don’t think this is something once can ‘get out of their system’...I mean really if it goes well, you’ll want to do it again and if t doesn’t, there could be problems…so really think if this is a one time thing for you or something you’re generally interested in…if your girlfriend has to be persuaded into this, it’s probably not going to work

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

if she’s just not into it, chances are that won’t change. I’d just ask, if she says no, go buy two hookers.

DarkScribe's avatar

Get a time machine and go back to the “swinging” sixties.

You are being a fool. No matter how it goes you will have damaged your relationship and damaged your girlfriend’s esteem. Even if she goes along with it to please you, she will have lost trust and respect. You will have sullied something that should be pure. One day down the track when she meets a genuine guy and walks out on you – you will probably wonder why.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

@DarkScribe: excellent! Except that he probably won’t wonder why, he’ll know very well why and will spend the next decade after their divorce drinking and drugging himself towards death while he watches his body fall apart and his dick stop working on command.

DominicX's avatar

Wow, the amount of unfair assumptions you guys make is beyond ridiculous.

whatthefluther's avatar

I suppose you feel using two words I used in another response completely out of context, somehow makes you clever? So now you are suggesting you are a clever gentleman? The notion of you springing your fantasy on your girlfriend, which you know will meet resistance, indicates your relationship has nothing even remotely approaching intimacy, trust or open and honest communication. But what the hell, I say go for it. The worst that’s going to happen is you will be returned to jacking off while watching threesomes in porn flicks, but I’m certain a clever gentleman, such as you, will find that quite satisfying.

augustlan's avatar

@DarkScribe What if she “goes along with it” because she wants to?

I don’t think this is necessarily a death knell for a relationship. It’s a very common fantasy, for men and women alike. Talking about the possibility shouldn’t be verboten. That said, if she’s not into it you’d be better off not trying to convince her to do it.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

@DominicX: I hear you and it does sound a bit cruel but I can tell you I’ve seen this happen to people irl too many times to have rosey words of encouragement.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@DarkScribe it doesn’t have to ‘not work out’ it works out fine for many
just because you can’t do it and you validate your choices as ‘keeping it pure’ doesn’t mean it can’t be a meaningful experience for others

SuperMouse's avatar

@icaruslives since you re-framed your question I would like to give some honest, non-judgmental feedback. Your initial query made it sound as though working out a threesome was your main goal, not having a serious relationship.

If there is any hope of you every fulfilling your fantasy the first thing you are going to have to do is prove to your gal that she is 100% safe with you. You are going to have to prove to her with actions backing up words that she is and always will be able to trust you all the way. A policy of total openness and honesty with one another is essential. Once you have put in the time and effort to build this type of relationship you might start sharing some of these fantasies with her. Even if she is totally against it you probably won’t ruin the relationship because you will have a solid foundation. Who knows, at that point you may be so incredibly close to her and in love with her that she is all you need and just dreaming about the fantasy is enough. ...and no, I would never begrudge a man his fantasies; married or not he has to have something to daydream about.

jaketheripper's avatar

tell her you will buy her a brand new mop and apron, that should do the trick…

DarkScribe's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir just because you can’t do it and you validate your choices as ‘keeping it pure’ doesn’t mean it can’t be a meaningful experience for others

I have done it – but not when it involved a woman who I was in a committed relationship with. That sort of fun and nonsense when you are just dating is fine. I spent several months living and sleeping with two girls in the seventies. We were all just friends – with benefits.

If the girl needs to be persuaded then it is not a good idea. If she is enthusiastic then that could raise a whole new set of problems. I wouldn’t do it with a women who I loved and I would not want her to do with to me.

DarkScribe's avatar

@augustlan What if she “goes along with it” because she wants to? I don’t think this is necessarily a death knell for a relationship.

I didn’t say that – not the death knell, but it has opened the door to the termites that will eat away at the structure and integrity. Eventually it might collapse. Many “swingers” from the seventies fell apart years later with accusations regarding those interludes being hurled about. It can do damage – real damage.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@DarkScribe lots of things can and do do damage
if it didn’t work out for your friends from the 70s, so what?

DarkScribe's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir lots of things can and do do damage

That is the point – warning that it can and if she needs real persuasion, probably will cause damage. If she is enthusiastic then they can both have fun. I have seen more than a few instances where a woman needed all manner of threats and cajoling to engage in this sort of thing, and there is no way that give in or not, her attitude toward her partner, her respect suffered.

if it didn’t work out for your friends from the 70s, so what?

Who said that they were my friends?

evelyns_pet_zebra's avatar

@icaruslives having been in a threesome, and a foursome, let’s just say that the fantasy is FAR better than the reality. You see, there is something about sex that happens which most people don’t realize. Once you start inserting body parts into body orifices, things get messy, (and I don’t mean that literally), and there is really no way to have a sexual engagement of more than two people without there being certain emotional issues coming to bear. Jealousy is just one of several. Usually it isn’t worth it. Ask her if she wants to try it, and if she says no, then drop the subject.

Some people can pull group sex off and not get all hung up in the ugly emotional aspects of it. They go into it with the realization that the sex is just sex, nothing more. But for most people, it damages and/or destroys relationships.

YARNLADY's avatar

Is this a “deal breaker” for you? Because if it is, you are looking in all the wrong places. You need to find a ‘threesome’ type person in an already functioning multiple relatinship. You could approach your current prospective partner, but if there is any hesitation at all, it will not work.

Girl_Powered's avatar

Most guys who go down this route wish they hadn’t. I have had several guys broach the subject, and if they push I dump them and I don’t mind the occasional Bi experience. For me sex isn’t a spectator sport and really with one guy and two girls that is what it turns into. When I was really young I got talked into it. I ended up dumping the guy and having my first lesbian relationship – but I came back to guys after a couple of months. The sex was good but the jealousy and the petty bickering was more than I could stick with.

marinelife's avatar

@asmonet I loved your scary music!

trailsillustrated's avatar

dont get married till youve experience it- but find someone whos into it- youre either into it or youre not, and its not fair to pressure someone.

Noel_S_Leitmotiv's avatar

Actually, I feel that your reason for wanting the threesome is flawed. If you want to do it just to have done it it’s not important enough to risk your relationship. Stop thinking of it as something that must be done before you marry.

Instead, be honest with your girl about your curiosity. Tell her it’s something you might like to experience with her if she’s interested sometime in the future (sometime when the situation and partner is right, when and if your girl is ready).

cwilbur's avatar

Perhaps if you offered a mmf three-way to her first, she would be more receptive to a mff three-way.

And if you’re not willing to invite another man into the bed to please her, why on earth do you think she should agree to invite another woman into the bed to please you?

robmandu's avatar

[ Meta discussion ]

The question was how to persuade his gf. He wants her to be an open, willing, and happy participant.

His wording was clear. He doesn’t seek to coerce, trick, or force her into something she doesn’t want to do.

And yet the majority of replies imply he’s a selfish pig. And hell, maybe he is. But you don’t know that.

I too think this request is immature and likely harmful to his long-term relationship with anyone else. But it’s not my call to make. Maybe, just maybe, this couple would end up being the exemplary case of open relationships.

If you absolutely must share your morality with the querent, at least make some sort of attempt to answer the question asked first.

[ Fin ]

Noel_S_Leitmotiv's avatar

Word @Robmandu and GA. There seems to be a great many double standards when it comes to judgements here.

Indeed Supcases’ first reply was snide and devoid of useful advice. Based on the standards I’ve been held to the comment should be modded.

marinelife's avatar

@robmandu Here is the Q as posed:

“How can I persuade my girlfriend into a threesome?
Asked by icaruslives (15points) | asked 21 hours ago | 65 responses | “Great Question” (1points) | Flag as…

It’s something of a holy grail to me, and I don’t think I should get married until I’ve experienced it.”

Where does it say he wants her to be an open, willing, happy participant?

Where does it say anything about her state of mind at all?

Where does it say he is not willing to coerce, trick or force her?

You are making a lot of inferences that are not there.

DominicX's avatar

@Marina

Where does it say he is willing to coerce, trick, or force her? Why are your assumptions okay but others aren’t?

Noel_S_Leitmotiv's avatar

I think it’s fair to assume that those that spoke against threesomes are biased by their personal tastes

I’m offended on behalf of women by those that suggest that the girl isn’t capable of observing and deciding for herself.

marinelife's avatar

@DominicX I did not assume that.

@Noel_S_Leitmotiv I also did not see that written in anyone’s post.

Noel_S_Leitmotiv's avatar

LOL @marina. No, it isn’t written.

Actually I suspect the OP is trolling, that doesn’t mean this isn’t a good venue for my great advice.

robmandu's avatar

@Marina, my only assumption is that @icaruslives is proficient in his use of the English language. And that he is sincere in attempting to respect his gf.

That may be altruistic of me – and I did note that others on this discussion have had run-ins with @icarus before – but I don’t typically carry a Fluther grudge (for long) and was surprised at the vehement attacks on what seemed like a straight-forward, albeit morally corrupt, question.

Persuade : To successfully convince someone to agree to, accept, or do something, usually through reasoning and verbal influence.

Convice : make (someone) agree, understand, or realize the truth or validity of something

DarkScribe's avatar

@robmandu The question was how to persuade his gf. He wants her to be an open, willing, and happy participant.

Yes, as you say, his wording was clear. Persuade means “prevail on, influence, coerce, cajole, inveigle, win over, cajole, etc.

He didn’t ask how to broach the subject, it was already “persuade”. That implies that he expects reluctance on her part.

sakura's avatar

To me if you have to persuade someone, isn’t that asking them to do something they don’t really want to do?

I suppose there is a difference between trying to persuade someone to try a food they haven’t had before and trying to persuade them to get involved in a threesome. Morals/ living with oneself after, if didn’t like it etc…

The only thing you can really do is ask her if she would?
How open is your relationship? Have you been experimental before? This may come as a bIg shock to her if you haven’t!

Remember don’t so anything silly like get yourself involved in a threesome that you can’t get out of!

Good Luck

robmandu's avatar

If you persuade someone, then they want to do it.

A lot of responses were simply: she doesn’t want to; don’t make her. And I fully, whole-heartedly, and in every other way agree with that. Except that he wants to be able to convince her of the merit of his position. So she will adopt it. And she will want to participate.

We all engage in persuasion of some form every day. What is wooing and courtship other than persuading someone that you’re the right person for them?

DarkScribe's avatar

@robmandu If you persuade someone, then they want to do it.

Not at all. If they were persuaded then you have changed their mind from not wanting to do something to agreeing to do it. If they wanted to do it all along then persuasion doesn’t come into it.

robmandu's avatar

I guess I cannot persuade you to agree with my definition.

But to be clear, a person who has been persuaded is not acting under duress and is not participating against their better judgement. They are a willing (and hopefully eager) participant. The word persuade has a positive connotation.

There are other words that have a negative connotation that could be used to convey the meaning that a person is an unwilling participant: coerce, trick, browbeat, force, strong-arm, cow, pressure, threaten, etc.

The querent didn’t use those words. My suggestion to my fellow Flutherites is to give him the benefit of a doubt and focus on answering the question before bringing personal moral judgments to bear.

DarkScribe's avatar

@robmandu But to be clear, a person who has been persuaded is not acting under duress and is not participating against their better judgement.

This is where we differ. A person who has been persuaded has agreed, but not necessarily anything more than that. They might consider that they are under duress – as when they go along with their SO to avoid conflict. They are NOT necessarily willing or eager, they are just agreeing. You can persuade someone by bribing them, threatening them, blackmailing them, etc.

robmandu's avatar

Should we necessarily assume the worst possible interpretation of a querent’s motivation when answering questions on Fluther then?

DarkScribe's avatar

@robmandu Should we necessarily assume the worst possible interpretation of a querent’s motivation when answering questions on Fluther then?

You should cover all possibilities. Assuming the best could potentially be worse. The phrasing was “persuade” not “how do I introduce the subject” or “discuss the possibility”.

It is not a new issue, it was more common when I was young, there were magazines devoted to “Swinging” and in those days many women spent a lot of time in tears in the process of being “persuaded”.

robmandu's avatar

Neither of those two phrasings convey the same meaning. He wants her to want to participate. He asked his question in a clear and concise manner without couching it with a lot of politically correct platitudes and bland language.

Look, maybe he should have worded it more clearly… but my point is, the first several quips were basically:
– you’re a selfish jerk
– you might be a troll
– don’t even try to change her mind on this
– your marriage will be a failure

The next several built on those themes. They were not helpful answers… they were accusations and judgments about the querent’s motivation.

That’s not the Fluther community spirit.

nikipedia's avatar

@robmandu: Sorry, but when it sounds like someone is trying to pressure a woman into a sexual activity she doesn’t want to do, I sure expect it to be “couched in politically correct platitudes.”

Only those “politically correct platitudes” should be genuine concern for her well-being. And if they’re not, hey, we found ourselves a jerk!

DarkScribe's avatar

@robmandu

Rob, I think that we have taken this as far as it can go. We have a different perspective – we can let it rest.

Noel_S_Leitmotiv's avatar

@robmandu said:

“Should we necessarily assume the worst possible interpretation of a querent’s motivation”

I think that’s going to happen with this one. I’ts obvious some here are assuming the worst about the OP or failing to take him seriously simply because they find the subject personally distasteful.

robmandu's avatar

In all fairness, I’m sure I picked the wrong horse to back on this particular screed.

Aethelwine's avatar

@robmandu Should we necessarily assume the worst possible interpretation of a querent’s motivation when answering questions on Fluther then?

I’m sorry. I’m having trouble understanding how you can stand up for someone asking about a three way but not for someone who is sick and has no health insurance and is asking about healthcare, or lack thereof…

http://www.fluther.com/disc/46467/is-this-indicative-of-the-state-of-health-care-in-the/

robmandu's avatar

@jonsblond, I’m complicated. But no more than anyone else.

Nor do I believe you correctly summed up my position in the referenced discussion.

Believe it or not, it’s very difficult to get to know someone well based on their Fluther quips.

Iclamae's avatar

I don’t think you’re a pig for having this fantasy. I also don’t think “not getting married until you’ve done it” is a good idea either. I don’t know how long you’ve been with your lady but you guys should be discussing sexual fantasies. I mean I know some men and women aren’t comfortable with that but not discussing really just makes things worse in my opinion. Relationships are about being open with someone completely and sex is part of that.
You should talk to your lady, slowly if she’s skittish of sex stuff, and share your feelings about these things. Especially before getting married, though the actual deed may not happen before then. It may take her time to warm up to it, until she’s comfortable with the relationship.
My boyfriend mentioned this to me early and it freaked me out but I didn’t dump him over it. I thought it was a normal guy thing. He didn’t pressure me. Partly I didn’t like the idea of touching other girls, partly i didn’t like sharing him with another girl, and partly where do you get that third girl that isn’t a skank? It’s taken 2 years but I’ve warmed up to the idea, just am afraid of the potential for skanky.
I mean, who knows what kind of “sex kitten” you’ve got over there. She may be completely opposed to it but she might also like that and other stuff you’ve never talked about. Just talk to her.

BBQsomeCows's avatar

Show her this fluther thread

I’m sure your exhibitionism will heat up your relationship

evil2's avatar

i like most guys have had this fantasy and i have broached the subject gently over the last 3 years, a comment here(wait for response laugh together) bottom line is if she’s not interested you’ll know quickly, and if she and your relationship is worth it just leave it be and she’s into it be prepared for the emotional backlash and fallout over the fantasy fullfillment that may well happen

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