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broncosgirl's avatar

How can I overcome my insecurities in my relationship?

Asked by broncosgirl (712points) December 14th, 2009

I recently read a question about your S/O being out of your league, and it kinda made me think about my own issues. I am currently in a wonderful relationship with an incredible man! It’s been an amazing nine months, and he is everything I could want. He is funny, smart, thoughtful, chivalrous, handsome, I could go on and on. Perfect right? Well, I am plagued by this self doubt about it. All of his exes realized what idiots they were to let him go, and still want him. Everyone adores him (family, friends, co-workers, etc). Other women want him. Don’t get me wrong, I am so proud that I am with someone who is so admired by his peers and family. But I am left wondering why this man is with me!? Note: I am not a dud. I would say I am a smart woman (I have two degrees), fun, motivated, not modelesque but cute. I am normally pretty ok with who I am and what I have to offer, and I have never in my life thought that someone was “out of my league” or too good to be with me. I am baffled by this insecurity. Have any of you dealt with this? How do you overcome it? I feel like I might just be in awe that I am in this incredible relationship, but still would like the doubt to leave. Help please :)

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15 Answers

XOXMSperfect's avatar

In that sort of relationship, there’s bound to be a bit of insecurity as to whether or not you measure up to you S/O, but you have to realize that this wonderfully perfect person chose YOU to be their S/O, so there may be qualities that they see in you that you don’t even see in yourself.

deni's avatar

if he didn’t want to be with you and he wanted one of his exes, or some other woman on the street who was eyeing him up, then he could. but he obviously loves you, so don’t worry about it and just be glad. i understand its hard to not have that little bit of “why is he with me?” i have it sometimes too. but instead of it making you doubt yourself, just let it be, and be happy :)

SirGoofy's avatar

Stop comparing yourself to him. After all….every single person on the planet is different in some way or another. If you don’t think he’s gonna ever measure up to you, then it’s possible that no one will. Shrug off all this junk, lean over and give him a big kiss. Life is too short to be holding a yardstick up to your S/O (or anyone else for that matter).

colliedog's avatar

You’re lower on the power totem pole in this relationship, not because of who you are perhaps but because of the high esteem you place on your partner. You may be able to get a sense of what he wants or does not want by finding out more about his prior relationships with his exes and what his motivations were in those relationships. This may help you get more power back or make you realize some other deficiency in the relationship or maybe nothing at all. But your current thought pattern is likely to drive you made so you need to do something to readjust. Nobody is perfect and I doubt your partner is as great as you currently think. You sound very infatuated combined with a strong dose of low self esteem.

higherground's avatar

Just enjoy this relationship (=

Focus on the goodness of it, don’t get too busy worrying about unnecessary stuff. Being too insecure in this relationship might just tire both of you out!

What I normally do is just to talk to my boyfriend about it if it is really bugging me, but I won’t harp on it.

FishGutsDale's avatar

It is ok to have insecurities, we all have them, it will keep you from getting too comfortable and taking him/the relationship for granted. However, don’t let your insecurities get in the way now that the honeymoon period is over. You have to think of yourself as the pick-of-the-litter and that anyone with you is the lucky one, because it is true.

broncosgirl's avatar

Yeah the whole comparison might be where I am shooting myself in the foot. It’s never a good thing to do that, because then you forget all of the great things you have to offer as well :) Thanks for all your comments, they help to put an end to these crazy thoughts lol.

willbrawn's avatar

Ask him what he likes about you. Hearing compliments is always a good thing and might shed some light on it.

Finny's avatar

I think the best thing to do is to learn to have faith in your so, to love her with all your heart and to believe in her, so then you can learn to not be insecure.

Poser's avatar

I must vehemently disagree with @colliedog‘s answer. A healthy relationship has no “totem pole.” It isn’t a power struggle. If you get that idea in your head, you might as well kiss your relationship goodbye. There is no quicker way to drive a man away than to start competing with him.

That being said, you don’t sound like a crazy, insecure, selfish woman. You sound like quite a catch! And you must be, if he’s holding on to you. The best way to keep him around is to stroke his ego, tell him how awesome you think he is. This is counter-intuitive to many women. I guess the thought is that if he realizes how great he is, he’ll leave. In fact, the opposite is true. My girlfriend tells me how great I am all the time—my self-esteem has never been higher. I feel like I could go out and get any woman I wanted. But the only woman I want is the one who makes me feel that way.

broncosgirl's avatar

@Poser you totally made my day thanks for your comment :)

JessicaisinLove's avatar

Not once did you mention how much you both Love each other or the great connection you have. He sounds like a great guy and you are proud to be with him but from what you said the relationship sounds like two people instead of “one”.

broncosgirl's avatar

True, I guess I felt like I didn’t need to mention it because that is not the issue. We both love eachother very much, and it is definetely the most fun I have ever had in a relationship. I know it is the first relationship that he has felt like he can be completely himself, tell me anything, and has so much fun. The only problem I have had is this crazy mental block haha :) I think the comments have helped me realize I am pretty great too, and that worrying about it will interefere with what is otherwise a great relationship.

Poser's avatar

It sounds like he’s really happy. I know that any relationship I’ve been in, in which I felt stifled, unable to open up, or unable to be myself have been duds. But if he feels that way with you (assuming he’s a normal, emotionally healthy adult), then stop worrying. He’s sticking around.

ally2_0's avatar

Well personally I think you need to have more self confidence. Start looking at it as he’s lucky to have you in his life and then you will feel more secure in what you guys have going on. Remember there are plenty of women who wants what you have, don’t let your own insecurities mess you up.

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