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missjena's avatar

I need advice about men?

Asked by missjena (910points) January 2nd, 2010

I am a young 24 year old girl who has a lot going for myself. I am well educated and graduated from college. I am starting to notice that every weekend when I go out and meet guys they are interested and ask me for my number. Great right? WRONG! They go as far as never calling me or texting me a few times and lose interest. I dont understand it and I am starting to wonder…is it me? Seriously, it is starting to depress me… I literally find an average of 1 guy a week who likes me but obviously not enough to seriously pursue me. Why do men do this? Why approach me at all? Why talk about having dinner if you do not plan on having dinner? I dont understand. I am sure some of you are going to say that men just want to see if they can get my number. If that is the case then why are they speaking about taking me out to dinner and seem genuinly interested. A lot of the guys seem like actual nice guys too.

Heres another issue. There is this guy that used to like me and I liked him but when I found out that he liked me it was 6 months after he told someone he did. Now I got all excited because I was interested and now I have come to find out he has a girlfriend of a couple of months. Guys: If you were dating a girl for a few months and met someone else that you potentially could be interested in, what would you do? What signs would there be?

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20 Answers

dpworkin's avatar

Perhaps you should try to meet people in a different venue, where you and they can get to know one another better before exchanging phone numbers.

Futomara's avatar

My best guess is they lack self-confidence and that’s why they don’t call. It’s not an issue with you. It’s an issue with men. They fear rejection. So the act of getting your number was probably a major task in and of itself. Otherwise, are you giving them the right number? lol

elizabethmae's avatar

First of all leave that guy that you like and liked you but you didn’t find out that he did until later and now he has a girlfriend alone. That reeks of drama, and you don’t want drama.

I think you should think about where you are meeting these guys. Maybe they are just looking to hook up and you, being a much more worthwhile lady, are not.
Your approach to dating and meeting people is going to dictate (in many ways at least) the type of men you are meeting. Surround yourself with equally awesome people (like you) and you PROBABLY won’t end up passing out numbers to jerks that were never going to call in the first place.
I say probably because honestly the dating game is a fucked up game in so many ways. You will undoubtedly be disappointed many times over. I know I was. :) but then you’ll meet someone really rad and it will have all been worth while.

Futomara's avatar

BTW, what’s your phone number?

kheredia's avatar

Meeting guys at night clubs is not such a good idea. I use to give my number out to guys when I use to go out with friends too and sometimes they called and sometimes they didn’t. Truth is I never actually met someone who was looking for a stable relationship. I think you should try online dating. It’s really not as bad as some may think. You can spot out the ones you might have some things in common with before you actually meet them in person.

About the guy you liked, if he has a girlfriend already I wouldn’t do anything to interfere in his relationship. Just move on and date a little. When the time is right you’ll meet someone you have a good connection with. Just be patient. You’re still young.

Darwin's avatar

I would suggest that you join a group outside of work that does something you enjoy besides barhopping, such as sailing, bird-watching, or whatever it might be. That way you will have fun, will meet other people who share your interests, will meet other people of the opposite sex, and might meet a guy who shares your interests and likes you and has the confidence from knowing you through a common interest that he will actually call you.

And as to the guy you liked who liked you but now has a girlfriend so even if he still likes you and you still like him a relationship would involve keeping secrets from at least one person, it’s time to move on.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

I recommend meetup.com. It’s not a dating site, per se, but a “shared activities” site based on geographical area. You get to join the meetup groups for actvities that appeal to you, and then you get to select which of the various meetups you want to actually participate in. Plus it’s essentially free, unless you decide to start your own meetup group.

missjena's avatar

Thanks for all the awesome advice! Id rather meet someone outside of a bar; however, I have never had a guy approach me in any other place. I feel like its extremely difficult for men to approach women in a store, mall, or class. At least at a bar the enviroment already promotes people to talk. I agree that meeting people in a bar isnt a good idea but I am a really good girl and I go to bars so there are good guys that go to bars too. I am trying to think of other places to meet men but I feel like it takes a lot of guts to approach someone other than a bar.. What do you think? Would you rather approach a girl who was behind u on line at target or at a bar? You catch my drift? lol I mean do guys approach girls who they do not find attractive?

I see people in relationships all the time and I have been single for 2 years now and never really wanted a boyfriend till lately. So when can you honestly tell youself that a guy is genuinly interested in you ? I meet them and thats it… so long

Darwin's avatar

You need to put yourself in other places that encourage conversation, such as a club oriented to a particular activity, or a group that likes to talk about a specific subject. Guys might not approach you the first few times you meet with the club, but as they get more comfortable they often will.

Stop thinking about “picking up” a random guy somewhere or being picked up by one, and think more about what kind of people you like to spend time around. Then go find a group of those people. Some of them will be female and might turn out to be life-long friends, and some of them will be male. A few of those may want to be more than just friends.

Futomara's avatar

Have you ever considering walking up to a guy you find attractive and striking up a conversation with him?

syz's avatar

Have you considered putting the ‘guy thing’ on the back burner and focusing on enjoying life instead? Do the things that you enjoy, hang out with good friends, try things that you’ve never had the courage to try. I’ve found that relationships find me when I’m not looking for them. And I have a strong suspicion that guys will find a happy, self-sufficient woman much more attractive than someone cruising for a boyfriend.

phil196662's avatar

Change it up ALL the Time! I met my Wife in a Checkout Line at a Department Store, You never know…keep groomed but not too fussy and dress comfy and just be yourself!

john65pennington's avatar

Here is an answer from a man that has heard it all. first, i am proud of your degree. but, to some men, this is a threat, especially if they are not a college graduate. your education overpowers them and thats okay. they probably were not worth your effort anyway. sounds to me that the guys asking for your number are only interested in a one night stand with you. i say this, take your time, do not become flustrated over your current no shows. mr. right will come along and you will know it. the world is full of “one timers”. the real men show respect for the lady they wish to date. look for him.

phil196662's avatar

My additional thought perfectly written @john65pennington

kevbo's avatar

Haven’t read the above.

I would say “a number 1” you should change your expectations. 80% (let’s say) of all of these interactions will probably not go beyond flirting. When you encounter someone new, just enjoy it as flirting without expecting it to become something more. Until the guy moves on into asking you for a date, etc, then just let it all simmer on flirting. (This assumes you’re not hooking up with them right away—that’s a different dynamic.)

Second, you might benefit from reading this book. I read the men’s version and saw results after adopting about 10% of what they advise.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

You deserve someone who shows you respect and who makes an effort to earn your interest. Every girl has a phone number. A woman has a whole lot more and deserves the same!

veronasgirl's avatar

You need to stop being so concerned with the guys that don’t call or aren’t interested. If they don’t call you, that must mean they weren’t that interested, so why waste your time and energy obsessing over them? You are out trying to meet someone and that is good, but accept the fact that you are going to meet a lot of men and many won’t call. That’s not your fault, something was just missing for them, and that shouldn’t be your problem. I suggest doing things you enjoy, then you can meet people who have similar interests, clubs aren’t really the ideal place to meet a nice guy, that I assume you are looking for. Also, forget the guy with the girlfriend, it will end badly, so unless you are craving drama, heartache, and a healthy portion of guilt; don’t go there.

cornbird's avatar

Sometimes it could be that the guy doesnt have the money to take you out yet, or it could be that you made him nervous to meet your expectations, or it could mean that he was just flirting with you to impress friends but he wasnt really interested. Sometimes its good if you called him first and just talk to him. Im not saying that you are SUPPOSED to call him first…but that is just a strategy you can try. If he doesnt respond by not calling you then move on. Generally guys will call a girl if they look hot and if the girl shows good interest in them. Showing good interest is very important.

missjena's avatar

@ veronas girl, how would the guy know if something was missing if they didnt give it a chance? I didnt even go out with them yet. I would meet a guy and they would act extremely interested. Im serious, if I disappeared from their sight they would ask my friends where did I go? I mean explaining to me how we would have such an awesome time if we went out to dinner… I understand what you mean but why do they waiste their time hanging on me allllll night long and they don’t even try anything sexual with me which is great. If hypothetically they were trying to get something then I would of thought theyd at least call lol

@kevbo I read the reviews on that book and read the first few pages and was so impressed by it, I decided to order it! haha It will be here in 3 days. Thanks

veronasgirl's avatar

@missjena, if they hung on you all night and acted extremely interested and then didn’t pursue you, perhaps you are giving off signals that you aren’t aware of. Either way, to be completely honest, they can’t have been that interested, or they would have called or pursued you somehow. As I said before you need to stop focusing so much on the guys that don’t call, if they don’t call, then they don’t, they probably weren’t worth the effort. If a guy is truly interested in you, he will make an effort.

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