General Question

mowens's avatar

How do I be the best possible person I can in this situation?

Asked by mowens (8392points) January 28th, 2010

Someone I used to date who I have since learned not to trust about certain things works in the same profession that I do. He is younger than I am, (24 to my 26) He didn’t finish a year of college, whereas I completed my coursework. Has landed a job interview with a very large business everyone has heard of, which is great! The problem is he is interviewing for my dream job, and he knows it. He was offered a position at well over double what I make now. I know the person that got him the interview there, and it is definitely a believable offer.

I am trying to be as supporting and as good of a friend as I can be but he makes it difficult by rubbing it in. He even told me that they were hiring like 30 positions, and that I should talk to the guy we both know about it.

I did. He told me that there was only one position, and it wasn’t something I had experience in. Why would the other guy tell me that there were 30 open positions? To make me look like a prick?

I joked about it but it really does piss me off and I am still trying to be supportive throughout the whole process. What should I do? I want to ask him why he is being such a douche, but I don’t want to come off like one.

Does this make any sense?

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28 Answers

njnyjobs's avatar

I am wondering why you are still friends with this guy when you stated in the opening sentence that you have learned of things that make him untrustworthy.

Obviously, you’re allowing yourself to be pushed around. You need to keep up if you don’t want to be ran over. You probably need to check and raise your self-esteem/self-worth. Take up personality development course and advance in your knowledge of your field.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I would just keep wishing him well.If he should mention the other postions he told you about,I would tell him what you found out…in a matter-of-fact tone.Why let him mess with you anymore?:)

john65pennington's avatar

Have you ever heard of dumping someone and then rubbing it in? this is your situation. i give you 5 stars for being a good person, considering the s__t this person is rubbing in your face. avoid this person at all costs. this person will make trouble for you somewhere down the line. telling you a boldface lie should give you a hint. it hurts your pride and it shows in your question. best advice is to avoid this person like the plague.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

He’s not acting like a friend. That kind of gloating and “rubbing it in” are plain cruel. If you have to work with this guy, try to keep it on a cool professional level and draw away from him socially.

marinelife's avatar

I would move this guy from the friend category to the coworker/acquaintance category.

That means that I would be civil to him, but not talk to him outside of office discussions.

mowens's avatar

Makes sense. :) I am normally good at telling people to fuck off, but for some reason there are certain personality types that I allow to push me around. That is probably something psychological.

life_after_2012's avatar

Always be professinal even when the other person isn’t. You may end up a employer rather then the employeee someday and how you deal with these situations is important because your success is going to be based of your preformance and your principles. Nobody likes a doucher. don’t be that doucher

partyparty's avatar

This person is most certainly not acting like, or being, a friend to you. He is enjoying making you feel uncomfortable.

Don’t stay around him or be a friend to him.

Just have conversations with him on a work basis, and don’t let him make you feel the way you do.

He just isn’t worth it. Let him find someone else he can annoy and upset.
Find someone at work who has YOUR best interests at heart.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

“The best revenge is living well.”

He’ll be out of your life soon enough; then just get on with yours and enjoy it.

clarice's avatar

Tell it to him in the face.
“You’re a douchebag”.

And chances are he won’t even take you seriously. *rolls eyes

But honestly honey, just tell him the truth- your feelings and all. I don’t think he’ll think you’re being a douche because you’ve been getting pushed around all this while!

mowens's avatar

Luckily we don’t work together, so that’s easy. It just annoys me that someone so assholish is going to be doing so much better than me.

Not that I am a failure, far from it.

It’s just annoying.

Cruiser's avatar

Why would this guy qualify and you don’t if you have completed a higher educational background? I say go interview for the job anyway you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

mowens's avatar

He’s a different kind of programmer than I am. :) Different languages.

HankMoody's avatar

Having worked in the Staffing industry for the past 10+ years (in technology no less), let me add this. Until he actually has an offer, on paper, he doesn’t have an offer. I routinely talk with candidates who say “right now I’m looking at offers from 3 other companies.” Translation=“I’m interviewing with 3 other companies, I know what they pay and I’m sure they are going to offer me the job.” So until he actually starts, I’m a little suspect of his claim.

mowens's avatar

@HankMoody Very true indeed. Is it true that in IT, it is a very high turnover job? I seem to get bored of companies within 2 years and go elsewhere…. and everyone I know does the same. I like taking an environment that is completely messed up, and making it my own.

galileogirl's avatar

The one thing I don’t get about teens and 20-somethings is why they hang on to “over” relationships. We don’t have to be friends with everyone we ever knew.

You know this guy is a liar and backstabber but you are trying to be supportive. WHY??? You don’t have to be confrontational but you also don’t have to be cozy. When you run into each other be polite but remember something else you have to do and move on. Don’t return calls/texts immediately and when you do don’t chat just answer the question and again have something else to do. If he complains to mutual friends. Just smile quizzically and say “I don’t know what he is talking about, I just saw him last week and we didn’t have a problem.”

If you don’t nurture a relationship, it will die a peaceful death.

Darwin's avatar

What @galileogirl says. Your relationship with this guy is over. You have no need to extend yourself to be supportive, especially since he is rubbing a perceived better job and salary in your face. He doesn’t actually have the job and you know his track-record already so why even go there?. Be noncommittal and polite and suddenly discover something you need to do when ever he wants to stop and chat.

Sometimes assholes do very well in business up to a certain point. Then only talented assholes are successful as are talented nice people.

Trillian's avatar

Another thing you may want to do is to research the company. Look at their HR department, go online and see what they’re advertising, how they did last fiscal year, etc. Then try to interview for the job yourself. Don’t talk to the guy that he recommended, go through proper channels. You may not get it but at least you’ll have tried and if you do your homework first, you’ll have a better idea ofwhat they’re looking for and maybe have a foot in the door for next time.
I don’t want to start a gender war here, but you should be a bit aggressive when negotiating your salary in the beginning. This is a typical place where a man’s natural aggression pays off in the long run. I can get you references on this but it really adds up over a twenty year period, this ONE starting pay differential.
Good luck.

HankMoody's avatar

@galileogirl I agree that the relationship has run its course and I’ve seen my younger acquaintances keep some friendships going long past their healthy prime. However, and unfortunately I speak from experience, if you work in the same field let it die gracefully. There is no need to say anything to him about his assholery, just let it, and him, go. Because, quite frankly, you never know when, somewhere down the line, he is working at some company you want to work at. It is so common for companies now to use “back door” references (i.e., asking current employees on comment on the work ethic/character of people they have worked with or know who are prospective employees). Make no enemies. That’s taking care of yourself and in this situation being the best person you can be.

Marva's avatar

Don’t Judge!
You really dont know what is going through his head. what you are describing as his trying to make you look as a prick and rubbing it in could just as well be his effort to come out of a situation that is embarrasing for him too, imagine that: he knows he is less qualified, he knows it is your dream job, but it’s definitly not an offer he can refuse! and even if he does, he doesn’t know it will be you who will get it! maybe he also doesn’t know how to deal with this?
Best you understood that this particular job is just not offered to you, not meant to be I would say, and keep hoping, and also doing everything you can, to find an equivalant job.
About the friend, try to have an open-hearted conversation: “I want to be open-hearted with you and tell you I have mixed feelings about this job you keep mentioning: in one hand I am happy for the oppertunity you recieved, and it fills me with hope because if it happened to someone I know, it could happen to me too, and on the other, I feel very jealous, I am not happy with my current job and pay, and this was just the kind of job I would want. how do you feel about that?”
with love,

ninjacolin's avatar

Be straight with people otherwise they won’t respect you.
If he was wrong about there being 30 positions available, tell him he was wrong. At the time, you could’ve also told the manger you were asking “Oh, Jim said there were 30 positions available. I wonder why he would tell me that if it wasn’t true.”

You don’t have to get mad, just be honest.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

If you don’t nurture a relationship, it will die a peaceful death.

Internalize this advice; it will serve you well.

mowens's avatar

@PandoraBoxx That is really good advice.

@everyone The one part I forgot to mention, was that I did confront him about his mistake on the positions. I just didn’t press. I said: There aren’t 30 open positions you jerk! (trying to fish for information without really letting him know it pissed me off)

His response was, “I can’t help it, people like me.”

CyanoticWasp's avatar

@mowens, he’s probably lying about that last, too.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

What goes around, comes around. This sounds like a guy that would sabotage your best efforts. You really need to not be involved with this person at all.

There is poetic justice, and people do eventually get hoisted by their own petard.

YARNLADY's avatar

Try this approach “Hey man your saying this…..makes me feel bad. Why would you tell me….....and yet the management says it’s not so. I thought we were friends, but I get the feeling that things you say can’t be trusted.”

ninjacolin's avatar

^ i agree. stay honest and true, let him know there’s an issue that needs to be fixed.

mowens's avatar

Eh, fuck em. I wish him the best but I’ll just stop talking to him. I have some really high quality friends, and they deserve more attention and time than this prick.

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