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kayyyyleigh's avatar

How should I go about bringing up this issue to my family?

Asked by kayyyyleigh (404points) January 31st, 2010

a while after my moms mom died, my grandpa had a girlfriend, and they had a child. making him my uncle. while my grandpa never married her, my uncle has become part of my family, and more of my brother. my parents and I never liked my grandpas girlfriend, because she has bad habits and is, in my eyes, a terrible influence on my uncles life.

so to the problem, we got my uncle an iPod touch for Christmas, and he loved it. but his mother keeps taking it, and using it. He has just gotten it back from her yesterday after two weeks. While he was at our house yesterday, i was playing a game with him on it, and there were emails notifications. my uncle doesn’t email, so i looked, and they were from a dating site. one of those “sugar daddy” things.

i turned the notifications off, so my uncle wouldn’t find this out, he is eight years old, and now can read. i confided in my boyfriend about the problem, and he said to look the profile up, to see if there was an actual problem, because she still claims to be “with” my grandpa.

there were some lies on the profile, but the worst was she described her children, even my uncle which really bothered me. and she also said “relocation is an option”. i haven’t told my parents about this yet, because i don’t know how to go about telling them and bringing this up as a family issue, if she has intentions of leaving and uprooting my uncle.

and for people who don’t think this is me or my families business, it is, my uncle is 100% part of my family, even to the people on my dads side. any help would be greatly appreciated. thanks so much.

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17 Answers

Trillian's avatar

@kayyyyleigh May I ask how old you are?

faye's avatar

Tell your parents and let them decide.

srmorgan's avatar

stay out of it. this is one of those times when silence is golden and ignorance is bliss


kayyyyleigh's avatar

@Trillian i am sixteen years old. but i have had to deal with her, and all the problems she has brought to my family for years. i stand way above my maturity level on this subject.

VanCityKid's avatar

Well, you’re right it is definitely family business, not only by your uncle but because your grandpa is being affected too. I would first start by telling Dad, as he has less emotional attachement to him than your mom (it’s your mom’s dad right?). Get advice from him, and he will most likely tell your mom about it, and you’ll find out from there.

Being silent could severely hurt your grandpa in the long run.

kayyyyleigh's avatar

@VanCityKid my grandpa severely dislikes her as well…. she is only considered “family” on the part that she is the mother of a family member… she stays for the money….

marinelife's avatar

You should tell your parents and your grandfather what you found.

Trillian's avatar

@kayyyyleigh, ok you’re mature. I can see by your writing that you have some sense and maturity. But 16 is still young. I think that this is something that you shouldn’t have to deal with, and I’m sorry that it’s been dumped on you.
I think it’s good that you protected your uncle from this knowledge. Well done. If it’s a heavy burden for you so how much more of a load would it be for him?
That being said, I hope that you bring this to the attention of your parents. My guess is that they already suspect something.
The problem is not whether or not it’s any of your business. That woman’s actions have made it your business. The problem is how you bring it up to your parents if I’m reading your question correctly.
If you still have access to the instrument, I’d show it to them a let that do your talking. Of course I’d have them make time first and brace them that what they’re going to see will be shocking and disturbing. If you don’t have it, maybe you could write out what you want to say first, like notes for a report. Something that could help keep you focused. Just keep it brief, and then brace yourself for questions. I suggest you tell them as quickly as possible, and share this burden. Hopefully they’ll take it up for you and you can go back to being a 16 year old. Well, maybe not that. You can’t un-know something.
Good luck. I hope it turns out well.

Your_Majesty's avatar

Ask your uncle to divorce. that’s the best way.

Holden_Caulfield's avatar

I believe you have an obligation to be honest. I know it may be difficult, but allowing this to continue only makes you a party to the deception, by omission at the least. Your uncle deserves to know what you know and look into the situation as he sees fit… making life decisions accordingly. This may not be a popular answer, but it is the right thing from a moral perspective. Your Uncle is a part of your family, as you state… you have a loyalty to your as family… as they are a part of your core foundation. Part of love is the ability to have open and honest communication…even if it is painful sometimes. The end result will help someone grow if the intent of the communication comes from the heart.

LethalCupcake's avatar

You need to speak with your Grandpa directly. he may not believe you at first – but at least you know you can show him some kind of proof – Her Profile. She is severly out of line in this situation and you should be honest….

kayyyyleigh's avatar

@Trillian thanks so much. and my parents dislike her as much as I do, but I am afraid if i speak up about this, she will not let us see him anymore, it has been threatened before on many different occasions. my parents are sure to bring this up, just as much as I am, and years of frustration will come out.

and to make it clear, my grandpa does NOT care about her in the way he should. he saw long ago, like us, that she was just in it for the money. her two older children (in their 20’s) have been stealing from my grandpas pub, just as she has. she spends the money not on anything useful, instead hurtful, and allows her children to do it to. we all put up with this for my uncle, and to make it clear i am doing this for the well being of him, and only for him. i want to make sure he can do what he wants in life and not have his “mother” holding him back. i know he is only eight years old, but it will be worth it later.

Trillian's avatar

@kayyyyleigh Ok, well I guess then I would wonder why he didn’t just give her the boot and be done with it. He can go to family court and ask for custody. It seems like the evidence on the ipod would be a convincing argument for him getting the boy. I’ll bet there are other things that he could use to justify him having custody as well.

aprilsimnel's avatar

I agree with telling your dad and showing him the emails if you can. Your parents should be able to protect you from any fallout that this woman might try to dish out to you. Poor kid.

Marva's avatar

I agree with Trillian 100%!
Unload the burden, get yourself rid of all of these heavy descicions, and let the grown ups untie thier own knot. meanwhile, try and be good to your grandpa and uncle, and keep yourself bussy with stuff you like to do instead of dealing with messy issues like that.

Silhouette's avatar

Go directly to the source first. She will be less likely to run away with your uncle if she doesn’t feel ganged up on.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. Beat her at her own game. I would set up an account on the site she did, play like some wealthy fat cat that is smitten with her. Make her believe he is very interested. Once you got her hooked suggest in the emails that you would take very good care of her if she ditched the kid in a boarding or military school until he was 18 because you don’t like kids and don’t want to deal with them. If she bites make an arraignment to meet at a local diner, then while she is waiting for Mr. Money Bags, you show up armed with the emails. Tell her she can either turn over guardian ship to your parents or one in your family who wants to care and love the boy or you can go public to the family with the goods you have on her. That is what I would do.

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