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essieness's avatar

Will you help me solve this roommate problem?

Asked by essieness (7693points) February 9th, 2010

I live in a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment with my roommate. We split the rent and all the utilities down the middle. She started dating a guy about 6 months ago, and since then, he has spent maybe one night per week at his own place. He eats all his meals here (they buy their own food), all his laundry is done here (by her), and to my knowledge, showers here regularly.

At first, it was very irritating because he was here when I woke up and here when I went to bed. And not in her room; out lounging around like he lives here. I’ve since talked to her and asked when he was going to start paying some rent. She refused to ask him to do so stating that if he paid rent, he would have his friends over all the time and she’s sure I wouldn’t want that. Since then, she has basically tried to hide the fact that he lives here from me.

At this point, I rarely see him (or her for that matter) because our work schedules differ and because I feel like she’s sneaking him in and out. But, it still bothers me that this guy basically lives here and doesn’t contribute to the rent. He is out of my way, not eating my food, is polite… but I still feel jipped.

Should I be letting this bother me? Should I let it go? Should I bring it up again or should I keep my mouth shut? I don’t feel that there’s any compromise with her.

Edit: This is a 29 year old woman and a 23 year old kid whom she claims to not care about as any more than a good lay…

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36 Answers

DrasticDreamer's avatar

If her and him combined are using more energy than you, there’s no way you should be paying half of all costs. Bring it up to her again, and say flat out that it’s not fair to you and you want to pay a little less than half. If she still doesn’t see it your way, doesn’t start making him help pay, etc. you’re probably going to have to move out – unless you want to keep putting up with it.

essieness's avatar

Also, while everyone is crafting responses, I’m totally prepared to be told to suck it up. ;)

john65pennington's avatar

Only certain people are allowed and certainly not allowed to live in your apartment, its on your lease. read you lease and show it to your roommate. allowing an unauthorized person to live there is a violation of your lease and you both could be forced to move. remind her of this and see what happens. i understand where you are coming from. if she has to date or you have to date someone, make it somewhere else.

lilikoi's avatar

I think you need to weigh your options carefully. What’s happening is obviously not fair. Do you honestly think you can live with partially subsidizing him to keep the peace? If so, the easiest thing to do would be to accept him. You said he is out of your way, not eating your food, and polite, so you’re really only subsidizing utilities. Can you live with this? Are you making this a bigger deal than need be?

If not, you need to talk to your friend again. Lay out her options clearly. It sounds like it is alright if he visits occasionally, but it is more like he’s moved in. Tell her occasional visits and overnighters are okay, but if he starts spending more than half the week (or whatever threshold you are comfortable with) there somebody has to foot the extra costs involved with that. Tell her she can either pay her fair share of what is being used or ask him to dole it out, but you will be paying less (maybe give her a specific amount) from here on out.

The worst case scenario is that she will decide you’re being unreasonable, and will decide that she needs to move out. Now do you think you would be okay with that? If so, you have nothing to lose. If not, you should plan on communicating well and make it more of a negotiation than a hard line.

missingbite's avatar

If he is staying out of your way I would say y’all should at least split the utilities three ways. He is running up hot water and electricity.

lilikoi's avatar

And how much money are we talking about here and can you afford to cover her? I mean, if it is purely about fairness, I would probably let it go after making it clear that it bothers me. Maybe you should find a hot dude to lay to even the game, eh?

Shae's avatar

I had roommate in college that I shared a bedroom with, her boyfriend started sleeping over every night. When I got tired of it, I informed her that I would be sleeping nude from then on out. It worked…after she called me a bitch.

Your_Majesty's avatar

Let him stay. At least he’s not bothering you right?. You both go on your own way and your own business. If you feels that he has drained more cost in your rent then you must politely ask him for his responsibility and the rule about your rent. If you feels that he always wonder around in your ‘personal territory’ then you must inform him that your room is for girls only(use this as an excuse). I think as long as he’s sweet and responsible you should consider to let him stay without any payment.

essieness's avatar

You all make excellent points. I think at this point you all have confirmed that I should just let it go. At least he’s out of my way. At least he’s polite and not eating all my food. He does take out the trash. Maybe if I had a guy over all the time to even out the playing field, I (and she) would feel differently.

I’ll admit there is some back story to this that adds to my frustration and is probably worth noting:

She started seeing this guy about 6 months ago, but only broke up with her boyfriend of four years about a month ago. I was, and still am, good friends with the ex-boyfriend. During the 5 or so months she was cheating on the ex with this guy, I was expected to keep my mouth shut and never knew who was coming out of the bedroom. It was pretty stressful as I am not a cheater and do not condone it, especially to that magnitude. So maybe I’m a little resentful towards the both of them; her for being reckless with the emotions of a man she claimed to love, and him for going along with it when he was fully aware of the circumstances. In his defense, she’s apparently a porn star in the bedroom, so that probably affected his judgment.

I also still hang out regularly with her ex, even though she doesn’t care for it. She has told me just to not mention his name to her. She doesn’t ask where I go, I don’t tell her. I do feel a little bit of vindication for doing this.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

If you ask them to pay more of the utilities, then you’re essentially saying you’re okay with him living there. I think your choice is going to be to set a limit on how many nights a week overnight guests are tolerated, or ask her to find another place to live.

You should did not sign up to be living with some guy you don’t know.

eponymoushipster's avatar

if you want ill come over and kick his ass. just give me the word.

judochop's avatar

Suck it up. I’ve been there. It’s just roomate shtuff. This is one reason why having a roomate sucks.

SeventhSense's avatar

@essieness
First off hola. Long time no @
I think that if you had the understanding at the time you rented the place that it was just the two of you then it’s reasonable to expect that to stay the same. I think you certainly have a legal right. With that said you’re only course of action though is probably hoping she’s reasonable or just rent another place. I would be pissed off. But then again I’ve never wanted to room with anyone except a g/f for this very reason. I hate being beholden to the capricious behaviors of others.
I think you’d be better with a different roomate though if you don’t have a lease. She doesn’t seem like she’s a good fit for you. .

Cruiser's avatar

She pays her ½ of the rent and bills and is entitled to not be judged by you over what she does and who she dates. Roommates S/O’s come with the territory and it sounds like you have a considerate roommate and her freeloading BF seems grateful. It could be a whole lot worse…Pick your battles and count your blessings.

TehRoflMobile's avatar

If he is effecting your life, such as rearranging your apartment, dirtying the place up, or eating all your food without helping pay or bringing his own food, I would ask him to pay rent.

If he stays to himself, and you barely notice him, let him be. Hell, he could be a good guy, talk to him.

No need creating any unnecessary drama or conflict.

essieness's avatar

@SeventhSense Howdy! And thanks :)

@all No doubt I will getting my own place at the end of this lease. I’m too old and set in my ways for roommates, lol.

Edit: It also may be noteworthy that she and I have known each other for 15 years and were roommates about 10 years ago with no problems like this.

missingbite's avatar

@essieness Now that we know the back story I suggest you start letting her ex sleep over! Then you may find that she stays away and you have the apartment all to yourself! It’s a win, win!!!

augustlan's avatar

He’s using utilities, he should pay his share. That said, if the lease is up soonish, I’d let it go and move on at the end of the lease period.

essieness's avatar

@augustlan Hi A!

The lease isn’t up until September, but I’ve resolved myself (after getting great advice from everyone) to suck it up and let it go. At the end of the lease, I will most certainly be getting my own place.

augustlan's avatar

Hi E! It’s nice to see you here. :)

ptarnbsn's avatar

missingbite had the best answer of all!!! Love, Mom

essieness's avatar

@ptarnbsn MOM! Haha, you only looked for this because of Facebook, didn’t you?

ptarnbsn's avatar

LMAO!!!! :)

augustlan's avatar

Mohter/daughter Fluther teams are awesome. Just sayin’.

ptarnbsn's avatar

Well thank you Augustian!
I think she figured out a solution all on her own!

ptarnbsn's avatar

@essieness…..remember, mommy says ‘thou shalt not live alone’ !

essieness's avatar

@ptarnbsn I’m a grown ass woman.

@all I figured out a way to peacefully protest. I am calling this protest “The Living Room Smoke-Out.” I set myself up in the living room with my laptop and wine making it obvious that I’m studying and shouldn’t be disturbed. Three nights strong, and I’m winning! They go right into her room where they should be. folds arms across chest victoriously

missingbite's avatar

@essieness Congratulations on the solution but I still think you should have her ex over for a study session!

eponymoushipster's avatar

@essieness i love that your “studying” involves wine. what does your research paper discuss – Snuggies and beer flights? lol

essieness's avatar

@missingbite That’s Phase 2 of “The Living Room Smoke-Out”.

@eponymoushipster You study without wine?

eponymoushipster's avatar

@essieness i’m not in school, so i don’t have to use studying as a pretense for wine consumption. ;)~

ptarnbsn's avatar

@eponymoushipster She is testing the theory that not only is red wine therapeutic for the cardiovascular system but for the neurological system as well. The hypothesis is that if red wine is cardioprotective and reduces the incidence of myocardial infarction and cardiovascular disease, then it must be neuroprotective as well by reducing neurovascular disease and the incidence of stupidity and idiocy among flutherites.

essieness's avatar

@ptarnbsn genius. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, lol.

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