Social Question

Your_Majesty's avatar

Will you expect someone to say sorry?

Asked by Your_Majesty (8212points) February 11th, 2010

Or you just let him/her go?. Take my experience as example,it was a day when a girl stepped on my shoe,I know it was an accident but after that incident she quickly turn back her face,ignoring me,talk to her friend,and acting innocently hoping I wasn’t aware. I know it was only a small accident and not really a big problem(Actually it was my old shoes,and I’m an apologetic kind of person). So I let her go,but something I can’t accept is her behavior. Another experience,a man was running in rush and he hit me on his way(I wasn’t fell off),after that he just keep rushing on his way just like I wasn’t there. If this situation ever happen to me again,do you think I should expect that person to apologize?(I know it was an accident and not a big deal). If this situation happen to you what will you do?,will you judge him/her from her age,background,sex,relation,rank,companion(sometime someone in majority/powerful companion will make us feel intervened),or else, before you expect him/her to apologize?.
I wonder why some people do that?,is that because they don’t know what to do?,too scare to admit it?or just simply ignorant?.

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71 Answers

phoebusg's avatar

I would express my feelings, and reasons behind them shortly. Then make it known that I’d like an apology. But not expect it. If it comes great, if not ah well. I’ve already forgiven the person anyway – and always do. But apologies can be nice, when they’re needed :)

marinelife's avatar

I would expect an apology. In some circumstances, I might even say something.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I am not sure what makes one person apologize,while another won’t.I do know that it is a gift in a way that you will see what the person is made of by their behaviour afterwards.I recently got an apology from a good friend and it really meant alot.I am fortunate to know this person and in fact will let him know that right now:)—your question made my day and got me off my ass to let him know Thank you!<<HUGS>>

SophiscatedLady's avatar

I’ll yell at that person and reveal his/her fault. And I suggest you to do the same. They might think it wasn’t a big deal,but it was really a big deal for me!.

Ivy's avatar

I learned how rare courtesty is these days when I had to fly across country with a recently broken arm and a heavy cast from hand to shoulder. I didn’t expect any help and I didn’t receive any, but I also didn’t expect to have people bump into me and jostle me about in their hurry to get where they were going. And not a one excused themselves. Civility and courtesty has to start somewhere, and going off on someone who is selfishly rude isn’t a starting point. Perhaps you could simply say, “excuse you” and see if there’s any hope for that person at all, but don’t expect it.

CMaz's avatar

“Or you just let him/her go?”

I vote for sorry! Yea, I know. Like rolling the dice.

BoBo1946's avatar

@Doctor_D…have no idea except, these people were never taught what are good manners as child. So many times, especially in the grocery store when it is really busy, a person will pull out in front me and automatically, i say, “excuse me!” It was not my fault, but it is just good manners! And in so many cases, they never say a word! Just people who were never taught manners…does not mean they are bad people! Just no manners!

La_Perm's avatar

For a child,no(he/she might just playing). For an adult,yes. Although I’ll certainly get angry for my favorite new shoes.

trailsillustrated's avatar

I yell at people like that. I don’t care where it is.

HGl3ee's avatar

In my experience with people bumping into me the majority say sorry or pardon me. However, in those few cases that someone has, say, bumped me in the grocery store or at the mall, I say something like “Don’t worry about it.” or “No problem.” I basically act as if they had said something. (But with no passive-aggressive tone or annoyance) Then I walk away from the situation knowing that I did all that was required of me in that situation and move on.

Might seem a little odd, but it has always worked for me ^.^

BoBo1946's avatar

@trailsillustrated really! Real loud or just a faint whisper? loll

Good answer!

slick44's avatar

I dont expect it, But it sure is nice when it happens.

Cruiser's avatar

An apology for me is one of the best things to receive and to give. It all comes from understanding the motive for the offense and the motivation of the apology. There are times I will want to hold an apology hostage but I am ultimately more in favor of seeing a resolution to the issue at hand and pound out the dents later if need be.

deni's avatar

It is rude to step on someones foot and then act like it didn’t happen. Take me for example! I’m prone to ingrown toenails. Sometimes the nail on my big toe hurts, especially when 150 pounds of weight is put on it. So IF YOU STEP ON MY FOOT, YOU BETTER APOLOGIZE FOR IT. Or I will take a knuckle sandwich to the back of your head. Not really, I’m not violent. But it only takes a second to say sorry, you don’t have to take the person out to dinner. I think it shows a lack of consideration for others.

philosopher's avatar

@BoBo1946
You are correct. Unfortunately most people behave like this in every public place. I do not.
The people on their cell phones that walk into me are the most infuriating .
I walk through Manhattan with my elbows out. I learned this over the years when I worked there. No one pushes me. I maintain a little space.
Anyone who is unaware in a crowded place is a fool.

TehRoflMobile's avatar

You should never expect anything from anyone.
Be thankful that someone is kind enough to say they are sorry when it happens, but don’t expect it.

BoBo1946's avatar

@philosopher hey, totally understand your comment!

JLeslie's avatar

If someone bumps into me, or we bump each other I do think we should say sorry, but I would not make a thing about. When it is something bigger than that, and I think there should be an apology, like a disagreement between family members or friends, and I don’t get one, I might point it out. Depending on the person I might get the answer I am looking for.

Supacase's avatar

Yes, I think you should receive an apology. I don’t think you will get them very often, though.

I admit I am passive/aggressive about things like this. If someone stepped on my foot I would say “Ouch!” or give them the look. If they walked away without apologizing, I would say to my daughter, “Daughter, if you ever step on someone’s foot, even if it is an accident, the nice thing to do is apologize.” If she responds that the person who stepped on mine didn’t, I would tell her that not everyone is polite but that I want her to learn good manners.

If my daughter wasn’t there I would probably say, “Oh no, my foot is fine. Thanks for asking.”

Ashamed but honest

noyesa's avatar

To me half the time it isn’t for little things.

I was sitting at a red light and someone rear-ended my car. I think he had just let his foot off the brake or something, he barely hit me, but it shook me up a little bit.

We both got out of our cars and he came over, looked at my rear bumper, said “looks alright”, and turned around and got back in his car.

Now, I’m a fairly forgiving person. I remember doing that to someone else a few years back and they were super cool about it, but I was apologizing and offering to fix any damage (there wasn’t any, but still).

I could not believe that this guy just turned around and got back in his car without even apologizing… for hitting my car.

I’m by no means old fashioned, I’m only 20 years old. I apologize when I’m wrong, and I don’t try to be passive aggressive. I don’t get what it is with some people who don’t seem to have any conscience about how their actions affect other people. It’s sick. It’s like this in the office where I work, where all of my co-workers are at least twice my age, and it comes from all kinds. There is no trend in race, gender, age, nothing—people of all walks seemingly were never taught empathy.

JLeslie's avatar

Apologies seem to be very cultural. My husband’s family does not apologize unless they have made some grave error, and generally they believe they do nothing wrong. I find it very annoying.

noyesa's avatar

@JLeslie That’s the worst. My entire family is like that. With some people, like the guy who hit my car, I think he just didn’t care. With other people, the kind who try to explain it away, you know they realize they did something wrong, but they’re too cowardly to own up to it.

When I lived with my parents, everything was a passive-aggressive struggle. If I left my coat wrapped around the back of a chair, they would take it and throw it in the closet on top of everyone’s shoes. I asked nicely for them to just ask me to hang it up, but my dad pretended like he didn’t realize I wouldn’t appreciate him throwing my coat on a pile of stinky shoes.

Unfortunately, as much as I hate playing “the game” so to speak, sometimes you can’t choose not to. They’ll still play against you whether you’re playing back or not, and you can’t just leave when you’re stuck with ‘em. The only way to get him to apologize and quit being a dick was to, whenever I found my jacket on a pile of shoes, hang it up, and throw his in there. If he doesn’t think explaining to me rationally that he doesn’t want my jacket sitting around and that I instead need to be conditioned like some kind of dog, I’m just going to treat him like a dog too.

I hate being passive-aggressive and snotty, but sometimes you just can’t explain empathy and kindness to people. It’s like some kind of missing gene. Only somehow I got it and my whole family lacks it.

Trillian's avatar

I never look for common courtesy anymore. I appreciate it if I run into it, but common courtesy is far from common. And railing after someone is pointless and counter-productive. Go about your day and don’t let the turkeys ruin it for you.

faye's avatar

I’m Canadian, I would apologise for my foot being in your way!!

JLeslie's avatar

OMG! I so get it. I have decided to become like them when with them. It took me 15 years to get to this point. My husband has been trying to clue me in forever, frustrated with me, and finally I see he is correct. Thank goodness he is not like them, almost always on my side (not that there are sides, but he thinks more like I do) although he too is like them when with them. It is stunning that he was able to be so different.

I had a falling out with his sister, once, and she roped her mom into it sort of. Anyway, we had some words and afterwards she was very angry and started in teh silent treatment, obvious she was pissed. I tried to apologize, and she would not let me get a sentence out, literally told me, “don’t talk to me we are so different and left the room.” Now realize, she had been horrible to me in that phone conversation. My apology was going to go like this, “I feel awful that there is tension between us after our phone call, you mean a lot to me and I never meant to hurt you, I’m sorry if I have, do you want to talk about it?” And my hope was she would say sorry too, and we would get over it quickly. Almost a year later, I tried again on email, so she could answer at her own pace or ignore it. We went back and forth a couple of times, and I actually said something like, I was hoping we could just apologize for the hurtful things we said and move forward. Well, she called my husband seemingly that second threw a tantrum asking what was wrong with me and why did she have to apologize if she didn’t do anything wrong…and I won’t tell you the whole story, but the moral is, what I learned was, that once I had apologized I was the bitch piece of crap who had done a horrible thing, I had admitted it, and so why did she need to say anything if I admitted I was wrong.

It will be on rare occasion I will ever apologize to any of them every again.

I am accustomed to people who love it each other, and trust each other, and know there is never any mal intent, to say I’m sorry and try to sort things through. But, some people in the family have done some mean, deceptive thing, si I guess their radar is up or something.

His family would do that exact thing you describe with the jacket.

I did read a psychology book about various subcultures, and they are text book Mexican. It was eye opening for me.

Maybe the guy who hit you in your car thinks, “no evidence that something happened so nothing happened.” Horrible.

tinyfaery's avatar

I don’t expect anything. If I get an apology good, if not, oh well. You can never know what is going on with people. Maybe someone’s mom just died and saying “sorry” isn’t at the forefront of that person’s mind.

Thinking you deserve an apology is even more egregious. What makes you so great as to deserve the attention of someone who might be dealing with something truly horrible.

JLeslie's avatar

@tinyfaery If someone is having a bad day, then they are excused. But, I think I am talking about people who just don’t think these things deserve apologies. Stepping on someone’s foot, hitting the back of someones car, having a fight and not being willing to make up and clear the air.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

Apologies should be saved for the times when someone has actually suffered from a wrong deed. To apologise for every minor incident during a day is pointless.

tinyfaery's avatar

How do you know what is going on in someone else’s head?

Your_Majesty's avatar

@tinyfaery I agree with that. But that girl who stepped on my shoe was in ‘big smile’ after and before she did that. What ever the reason saying a sorry for some light accident won’t hurt at all.

JLeslie's avatar

@tinyfaery Are you Mexican?

Your_Majesty's avatar

@FireMadeFlesh So we shouldn’t appreciate other people then?. Since you think it isn’t wrong to do so.

tinyfaery's avatar

Oh, so this is an ethnic thing. Great.~ How uncivilized Mexicans must be. Ugh.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I had someone barrel into me on the sidewalk today, and say, “You’re in my way,” and tried to shove past on an icy sidewalk. I said, “Sorry, my balance if poor.” He elbowed past me, so I fell forward (deliberately) and took us both down, him face first into the snow. I then apologized, and said that I had no idea he was going to push me so hard.
He looked a little stricken, but never did apologize or ask if I was okay.

faye's avatar

@PandoraBoxx Impressed, I am.

JLeslie's avatar

@tinyfaery No, you misunderstand. I stated that I think it might be cultural. I am not judging, trying to understand. My husband’s family is Mexican, I think we think about apology vastly differently his family and me, I am much looser with the word. Anyway, it seemed you viewed it more like them, so I wondered if you are Mexican. I don’t see why it is offensive? Maybe I should feel less offended when they don’t apologize because of how they look at it, how you look at it, maybe it is a lesson for me. If I thought Mexicans were uncivilized I would not have married one, give me a break.

mollypop51797's avatar

Well, here’s the thing. I would expect apologies from people who do something to you whether on purpose or not. I’m not a type of person who holds grudges, so most times I am able to just let it go. But, an apology would be nice even if it’s a little thing. At work, or walking through the streets, many people bump into me, that’s ok, I’m not expecting an apology. But, when people really hit me, or bump into me with a noticeably hard push, I am expecting them to take 3 seconds out of there day to turn around and say sorry,and if they don’t

JLeslie's avatar

Here is another difference, I would never deliberately take someone else down like @PandoraBoxx did. Why, not just let the guy pass you? I agree that guy was a total ass, but why turn it into something more?

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I@JLeslie, in order to let him pass, I would have had to have stepped up onto an 18 inch snow bank because the sidewalk was not shoveled. There was only an narrow path of trampled snow to walk on, less than 10 inches wide. To get out of his way as fast as he wanted me to, I would have had to step up and perch precariously. As I told him, my balance is not very good. It was only 30 feet to the end of the block, where I could have safely gotten out of his way.

If he had said, “Excuse me, I’m late,” I would have figured out a way to trade places with him.

JLeslie's avatar

@PandoraBoxx Good reason :).

tinyfaery's avatar

Sure doesn’t seem like that from what you said about your husbands family.

JLeslie's avatar

That is my point. Maybe I can learn something from you. Since they will not talk or explain themselves, they just seem horrible to me, but maybe I am not understanding how it makes perfect sense to them. How they look at these things. I know you are willing to explain things.

tinyfaery's avatar

As you know, you cannot generalize a whole group of people. I am half Mexican and I have never noticed the behavior you are speaking about. Not in my family and not with my friends and their families.

philosopher's avatar

@tinyfaery
All humans of every ethnicity are unique individuals. Ignore stereotype nonsense.

JLeslie's avatar

You said Apologies should be saved for the times when someone has actually suffered from a wrong deed. To apologise for every minor incident during a day is pointless. I think they would say the same thing. I wouldn’t. I am not generalizing a whole group of people, but generalizations are not completely without foundation. I would NEVER think every Mexican is like every other Mexican, but there is a such thing as cultural norms. How many times have you seen Jews like dpworkin, janbb, me and others answer a question by saying, “yes, I’m Jewish,” Or, “no, I’m Jewish.” Or, “that’s because there are not Jews.” I just posted a joke making fun of how Jews talk, it was called Hebronics. We do it it to ourselves, we see the realities of our ethnic group, but we know not every Jew is going to be exactly like, it is not said with any malice.

But, I will say that my husband’s Mexican family hates any hint of someone saying there was a miscommunication, because they think it means we are saying their English is not good enough, which is not what we mean at all, Their English is very close to perfect, better than some American’s I know, American born 6th generation in the states miscommunicate also between each other. And his family doesn’t want to be told anything might be cultural. I guess you are a similar mindset. My husband has given me insight on how to interact with them, but he can’t seem to explain to me what they are thinking why they do what they do, and that would help me understand them better.

His sister once said in front of me, but was talking to her other brother at the tim, “you know white girls,I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I do think she purposely said it so I could hear in a kind of whiney voice. And, yes, with my girlfriends if we were angry with each other we would call and say, “I want everything to be ok, is it ok, I’m sorry,” practically in unison. And, if I bump someone on the street, not my fault, not their fault, just happens, I say, “I’m sorry.” From what you wrote I don’t think you do. Did I misunderstand?

tinyfaery's avatar

I didn’t say that. @FireMadeFlesh did.

tinyfaery's avatar

What culture—Northern Mexican, Southern, Costal, L.A., Texas. There is no one Mexican culture.

sweetteaindahouse's avatar

I would hope you use better grammar if you do speak to that person. Anyway, I don’t expect people to say sorry for something as minor as that because I really don’t feel like saying anything to that person. It’s not that I don’t want to speak to them because of it, I just don’t like to talk to people.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

@Doctor_D “So we shouldn’t appreciate other people then?. Since you think it isn’t wrong to do so.”

I never said it wasn’t wrong, I said it isn’t worth an apology. If someone accidentally bumps into me in the street, I see it as a forgettable incident and it does not require a display of remorse for me to get over it. It has nothing to do with appreciating people – it is a matter of whether or not they should have to communicate their remorse over the event.
People who take offence at such a trivial event really need to grow a thick skin. These things happen, they are not important, and the best course of action is to just move on.

JLeslie's avatar

@tinyfaery My mistake. You made the statement about someone expecting an apology, and I would say I do expect apologies, I don’t understand what is the big deal about apologizing if someone has felt harmed.

Meanwhile, I thought about all of this, and I would say it was definitely unnecessary for me to make generalizations, and I did not mean to offend you if that is what happened. You got me in the middle of a vent, and this interaction with my inlaws, regarding this subject, is upsetting to me.

And, again, I do not think all Mexicans are alike. I know they come from varied national backgrounds just like Americans, all of the America’s for that matter, and they have all levels of education, and work in many different industries, I am not an idiot. My husband is half Israeli, quarter Spanish and French, second generation born in Mexico. His family has travelled all over Europe and the Americas. They all went to private schools, my SIL went to finishing school in Switzerland, my husband has a masters, it’s not like I think all Mexicans are uneducated, wear sombreros, and work in the fields, not that there is anything wrong with working in a field. I have a high opinion of Mexicans. I think they work hard, love their families, and just want a fair shake like everyone else. People are people.

I could give you a list of 20 wonderful things his family has done for me, this is just one of the things that has been very upsetting.

Supacase's avatar

I guess I feel like there are different levels of apology. I would offer a sincere and thoughtful apology if truly wronged or injured someone. If I stepped on someone’s food, I would give them the “ohmygoshIdidthat” face and a quick “I’m Sorry!” then move on. Now if they looked injured or had trouble getting around anyway (elderly, disabled, 4 screaming kids, I would stick around to find out if they are alright and if I could help.

The bold part above is all that is required 90% of the time.

Trillian's avatar

I’d just like to point out that the world is filled with differing cultures. Cultures are part of our existence. To equate culture with stereotypes is absurd, unnecessarily adversarial, obstructive and counter productive. To try to deny that the differences exist and to act offended if someone notices differences or points them out is dishonest and whiny.
For instance; the Chinese culture places a higher value on male babies than female. The culture of India still favors arranged marriages with some huge dowry amounts expected from the bride’s family. The Filipino culture is very indulgent and loving towards their children. The British culturally make physical contact less than the French.
I cannot understand why people seem to want to pretend that the differences between us do not exist. This pretense is damaging in and of itself because the implication behind the pretense says that different is bad. It isn’t, and until we can get past this mentality, we’re going to run into trouble.
Stop whining, stop looking for a reason to be offended if someone notices something different about your culture. Try taking a different approach and say, “Yeah, this is how we do it. What is your culture like?”

Supacase's avatar

I meant “foot” instead of “food”

johnw10's avatar

you just let him/her go.

JeffVader's avatar

I entirely put it down to ignorance, & sometimes I react very badly to it. As a minimum I will extract an appology from the person….

PeOde's avatar

My husband steps on my toes all the time, and we have same argument over and over. All I do is politely tell him he’s stepping on my toes. All I want is for him to get off. That’s it. He turns it into a huge battle, about how he didn’t meant to (excuses, excuses), then accuses me of thinking he did it on purpose to hurt me, then he tells me that I’m telling him what he is thinking.

All I tell him is this. “no, my toe is in pain. I just want it to stop. I’m only thinking about my toe becuase it’s hurting. I’m not thinking about you at all. I just want the paint to stop.”

My husband says to me, “you act like I’m doing it on purpose to hurt you. When I was pouting, I was joking.”

Me: “I aske you to get off my toe, and you start a huge fight. YOu pout and act like you are the injured one, when I’m the injured one. You take it too personal when I am just asking you to get off my toe. I don’t care at that point what your intentions are, I’m addressing reality and actions, and just trying to get out of pain.”

My husband: “How can you read into what I am thinking. I was joking with the pouty face.”

me: “my toe was ran over by the chair, and I had to scream ‘stop stop stop’ to you to save my toe. Then you give me pouty face and play like you are the victim. You don’t even ask if my toe is ok, and it all becomes about your ego and all your excuses. I could hve broke toe, and you’d be going on and on with excuses to protect your ego.”

My husband: “Apparently, your toe was ok. That’s why I was joking with the pouty face. It was a joke.”

Me: “how can you tell my toe was ok, I had a sock on and you just ran over it with the chair and you were already acting like you were the victim and mad at me for yelling “stop stop stop” as you rolled over my toe. YOu were acting like my yelling was somehoe personal attack, when all I was doing was trying to save my toes. I didn’t care at that point anything but saving my toes. You had to turn the tables and make it into huge battle and huge fight.”

My husband: “you are ascribing moties to me.”

Me: “no I’m not. I don’t care. I know it was accident, and most peole know the daily bumps into each other’s are accident and they say, ‘i’m sorry’ and just move on. You have to turn it into battle, and just can’t acknowledge it and move on.”

My husband: “I do acknowledge it” (like saying the words means he’s actually doing it).

Me: “Then why all the excuses, instead o asking me if my toe is ok. YOu don’t even worry about my toe, but your fragile ego is more important than my toes.”

My husband: “Apparently they were ok. I could tell by the way you were acting they were ok. I only ran over your sock, not your toes.”

Me: “no, again, you ran over my sock, it got caught under the wheel but you kept rolling forward and you ran over my toes and hurt them.”

My husband: “No, i looked down, and I was only over your sock.”

Me: “That after I screamed Stop stop stop, and you backed up, did you look down.”

My husband: “Well apparently you were ok.”

Me; “you are not acknowleding what happened. It doesn’t bother me that you accidentally ran over my toes. What bugs me is that I can’t protect myself and say “stop stop stop” without you pretending you are victim and I’m yelling at you or no reason, and that pouty face, like you were the one that got injured. I hate it when you turn the tables, especially, when I’m the person that got really injrued, and you pretend I’m injuring you, when you were the one that just injured me. I’m not even mad at you, but I was just staying stop stop stop, to protect my toe. I haven’t even had time to judge your intentions or moties. I’m just trying to save my toes. I don’t care if you did it on purpose or not. I’m just screaming to stop tos ave my toes and you have to pretend you are the victim. Your fragile ego is more important than my toes.”

27 years of marriage and he’s still stepping and running over my toes, and I have ingrown toenails, in pain. but he expects me to just not say a word and take it. I can’t ask him to get off, without it turning into huge freaking battle everytime about his precious ego. I“m sick of it. Sick of it. I don’t care. I just want him off my toes. Just get off. Is that too much to ask someone to get off your toes because it hurts, and then they try to play all these head games.

All he needs to do, is say, “oh, I’m sorry” and just get off my toes. But no, excuses, excuses, and then at the end I’M APOLOGIZING TO HIM! That’s just not right.

PeOde's avatar

Honey, your’ leaning on me really hard. (He leans on me like I’m a pole or something)

No I’m not. quit accusing me of trying to hurt you.

I’m not accusing you, it’s just that I can’t support all your weight, and you are baring down on me hard. I’m not strong enough, and it hurts. Just quit leaning on me so hard. I’m not a pole.

I’m not leaning on you that hard, and I didn’t do it on purpose.

I don’t care if it’s on purpose or not, I’m just asking you to stop because it hurts. Just stop. ok?

You act like I’m doing it on purpose.

No, I’m just asking you to stop. It hurts. So quit.

I didn’t realize I was doing it.

I don’t care. I just know it hurts, so I’m just asking you to stop. I don’t care what you are thinking. I just know you are leaning on me with all your weight and it hurts. It hurts my back. I can’t support you.

I’m not doing it on purpose, it was an accident.

I don’t care. It hurts. Just stop. That’s all I’m asking.

DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS? Can’t even ask a simple request without it turning into huge battle.

I think he’s passive-aggressive or something. This just ain’t right. I work with people in a small office, and we bump into each other, and just say, “oh excuse me” and them move on. There’s no huge argument or battle, or long-drawn out excuse, turn-the-tables headgame.

It’s so simple. You are hurting someone, no one things it’s intentional, and they aren’ judging you, they are in pain and just asking you to stop. That’s it. For you to pretend like you’re the victim in a huge fight? Something is not right with that.

PeOde's avatar

Honey, can’t I just ask you to get off my ingrown toenail because it’s in pain. and you just say, “oh, I didn’t realize” and then just get off of it. End of story. No need to turn it into such a big freakin’ deal about your ego. Act like a normal person, and do what we all do, and just respect other people’s innerspace, acknowledge these MINOR misdeeds, and move on like the rest of us. I don’t want 3-hour fight about it anymore. I’m tired of my simple request of asking you to get off my toe, or saying, stop stop stop, you are running over my toe, for you to use it as “me attacking you” scenario to pick a fight with me. You are 46 years old. Isn’t it about time you GROW UP!. Take responsibility for your actions, suck it up, apologize, and move on. I“m not accusing you of domestic abuse or anything. I’m just asking you to get off my toe. Why can’t I ask you such a simple request without you taking it so personal, like I’m the one attacking you, and you play victim. Why am I apologizing to you while my toe is in pain. That doesn’t make sense to me.

PeOde's avatar

Just get off my toe. That’s all I’m asking. Just get off my toe. I don’t care, I’m in pain, just get off my toe.

Go someplace else to pout. You aren’t the one that’s hurt. Quit feigning victim.

How dare you! I’m the one in pain, and you go off and pout and act all injured because you think me saying, “stop stop stop” to get you to stop, is me accusing you of being evil, when I’m just yelling “stop stop stop” to save my toe. Well, your ego got it all wrong againt, because I’m only thinking about my toes, I’m not even thinking a single thought about you, and only trying to save my toes. You are so egotistical, that even when I yell, “stop stop stop” you think it’s someone all about YOU YOU YOU. Not, it’s all about my TOE TOE TOE. Sorry to say this, but you were the last thing I was thinking about.

PeOde's avatar

That pretty much sums up my marriage. The toe thing has been going on for 27 years. Every single time, he acts like it’s the first time it’s ever happened, and pretends it’s never happened before.

PeOde's avatar

He won’t acknowledge my feelings, he twists them around and tries to reword it, into me being mad and judging him about his motives.

My problems is simple, straight forward, and even in simple English, he acts like a moran and pretends to play dumb and not understand me.

I say, this is ongoing pattern:

1) you step – run over my toe
2) I ask you to stop
3) you play victim
4) fight last for 3 hours with him giving excuses, telling me I’m putting motive sinto his head

I’d like to know, how in the world, just asking someone to get off your toes, is putting motives into their heads. I’m so tired of this. I can’t take it anymore.

PeOde's avatar

I don’t care WHY you are stepping on my toes. It’s not a digression. I’m just in pain, and asking you to get off of them. That’s it. So simple.

You tell me, how I’m suppose to ask you so as not to upset your fragile ego. What is the polite way to ask someone to get off your toes without…ha ha, “offending them”

PeOde's avatar

Anybody need an asshole husband? He doesn’t abuse me, but this passive-aggressive thing about him sure does make me wonder. He provokes me underneath, no matter how many times I ask him to quit, and then is all smiles on the surface, pretending things never happen. Then, he just is a REPEAT OFFENDER. REPEAT OFFENDER. REPEAT OFFENDER. That pretty much says it all.

PeOde's avatar

I don’t ask him to quit stepping on my toes. That is accident. What I ask him is to quit getting so upset when I ask him to get off of my toes. He won’t acknowledge this simple request and this has been going on for 27 years. He twists it, turns the tables, etc. and pretend I’m upset for him stepping on my toes.
No, I’m not upset for him stepping on my toes. I’m upset for his reaction when I ask him or tell him to get off my toes. He recoils like a hurt child, pouts, like he’s the one that got injured, then the excuses, never ends.

PeOde's avatar

Ok, seriously, it has gotten so bad, the arguments, that I think I’ll go with the ingrown toenail. It’s a catch-22. The arguments are so bad, it’s not worth it. I think I’ll just let him stand on my ingrown toe-nail, or run over my foot, while I smile and secretly hate him, then divorce him.

He’ll say, “I don’t understand, what went wrong, this is so sudden, you seemed so happy.”

I’ll say, “nope, you force me to live a lie, and put on a fake smile, and live in pain, because of your fragile ego can’t deal with such a simple request, to get off my toe.”

PeOde's avatar

It looks like those are my only choices:
1) Live a lie, live in pain, keep silent, put on fake smile and pretend
2) Say, “get off my toe” (then 3-hours of his excuses….)

It’s a no-win situation, what to do, what to do. Physical agony, or mental agony. Lesser of the 2 evils I guess.

PeOde's avatar

I bet you thought something so simple as asking someone to get off your toe, could be someone else’s personal 27 years of hell.

PeOde's avatar

If we get a divorce, I know lawyer will laugh and say, “what, you are divorcing him, because of the way he reacts when you ask him to get off your toe.”

I’ll say, “yep” too bad, because it’s not money, not illness, not death, just can’t ask him to get off my toe without it turning into huge nightmarish battle scene with me apologizing to him in the end for the way I acted about him being on my toe.

It’s sad that it will come all down to the toe. It could be so easily solved too. So simple. Just say, “oh, I’m sorry, is your toe ok.” and not, “I didn’t MEAN too wha wha wha.” (big baby ego)

PeOde's avatar

Just get off my toes. They are hurting. You are hurting me when you step on my toes. Please, just get off my toes. You don’t need to say a word, just get off my toes. That’s it. I just want to be out of pain. I’m asking, “get off my toes”. Don’t read anything else into it, except that’s all I want. Go into a closet or write a journal or vent on a blog, if you have issues with my request.

Definition: “get off my toes” meaning, “get off her toes.”

Why so much get’s lost in translations of something that don’t need translating?

I told my husband, next time, he’s on my toes, I’ll be sure to take the time, (even though I’m in pain) to write a memo, and be sure to buffer and soften the blow with sugar coated words.

Dear honey, I know you are not doing this on purpose, and I’m not judging you, but can you do me the honors of stepping your foot to the side about 5 inches. I just think you foot looks better in that position over there. You have such a good looking foot (stroke ego, stroke ego, BARF!)

augustlan's avatar

@PeOde Welcome to Fluther.

1) His behavior sounds abusive.
2) I strongly suggest you get some counseling.

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