General Question

broncosgirl's avatar

Should you question your future with someone over details?

Asked by broncosgirl (712points) February 13th, 2010

I love my guy. We have been together a year, and it is still a learning process for both of us. We are pretty different, but we still make a great couple and have a lot of fun. We both are looking at the future and have a few differences. I know I want children someday (prolly not for a long time, but it’s on the table) whereas he isn’t sure he will ever want kids, but it isn’t set in stone. I want marriage, he just wants to be together forever…marriage itself isn’t necessary for him. Thoughts? I feel like he is the “one”, but don’t want to overlook details that might be big down the road…..

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

20 Answers

StephK's avatar

IMHO, these things you’re discussing aren’t “details”. They’re important, potentially life-altering decisions.

If they were though, I’d say that it’s healthy to question your relationship over a large accumulation of not-so-important details, as all those pink flags might add up to make one big red one.

But just one or two small details?? Don’t sweat it. If it’s love, you’ll be able to get over those.

Sophief's avatar

If you really wanted to be with him and he really was the one, then anything else wouldn’t matter. If you are having doubts then maybe you should find someone else. I would opt out of those things if my partner said he didn’t want them, because having those things but not with my current partner, is not an option.

Facade's avatar

These “details” are life-changing events which a couple needs to be on the same page about. Waiting to see if he’ll change his mind is the absolute wrong thing to do.

OuterHaven's avatar

he sounds like every other guy out there..that doesnt want to be trapped by kids or marriage…maybe he’s not looking for what you are….kids and marriage means he’s stuck with you for life unless he gets a divorce (not so convenient.)

jca's avatar

you have to determine how important the things you want are to you. if you really want marriage, kids, etc. and he does not, then he is not for you. if you want those things but can wait a few years, and you want to spend a few years with him having fun and won’t regret it down the road, then wait a while. if you want those things now or feel like your clock is ticking or whatever, you need to move on now. only you know what you really want and how bad and when you want it.

Snarp's avatar

It depends on how old he is. A whole lot of guys don’t want marriage or kids when they are younger, but will later. If you love him and the relationship is good, then stick with it and see where it goes. I wouldn’t get married until you straighten the kid thing out, but why would you end the relationship over it right now? You have something better lined up? Or are you thinking you’ve got to be making progress, reaching some relationship goals by a certain time or you need to find someone else because you’ll run out of time? That’s not a good way to think about relationships. A relationship should be about, well, the relationship. When you make a permanent commitment you need to iron these things out first, but not before.

Cruiser's avatar

The devil is in the details….you do need to take a good close look at them so there are no surprises that derail your expectations.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

The things you mention are HUGE details.The big questions are what really count when determining whether or not you want to spend your the rest of your life with someone.You should have at least a sense of what their fundamental values are,I believe it’s the same for friendships or any other relationship.If they don’t jibe with your way of thinking move on.Life is too short to waste trying to change someone.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

These are two of the biggest issues, not details a couple faces when wanting to “be together”. You want to be married and for a lot of people, the distinction between being married and being an SO is huge and it impacts how they feel valued. You can discuss night and day about marriage being just a piece of paper but I doubt you will ever accept it as that. I was engaged for a year and a half to my ex husband and once we were legal and then married in the eyes of our friends and family, it did feel different but in good ways.

The issue of wanting children is HUGE for a person who definitely wants them to gamble on the whims of someone who says “maybe”, “I don’t really know yet” or “probably not” is going to wear on you. It will always be that little threat over everything else you find great between you, whether or not you can “have it all”. I’ve never wanted children and been upfront with every man I’ve been serious with. None of the men said they wanted to stop seeing me over this but several relationships didn’t go far because they really did want a future with children which put me in the status of interim lover and as soon as I got wind of that feeling, I was no longer happy.

Janka's avatar

How old are you now? How long have you been together? How will you feel if in the future, if it turns out that he does indeed not want kids or marriage?

marinelife's avatar

You are naming two major compatibility issues as “details”. These are huge issues that are not going to get smaller as time goes on.

What do you want? You want to get married and eventually have children.

This guy is not on the same page. He is not even reading from the same book.

Why are you making excuses for him?

You need to think about moving on.

OpryLeigh's avatar

I have to agree with @Dibley due to personal experience with something similar. I had to sacrifice, what I thought, I wanted out of a relationship when I got with my current partner (he doesn’t want kids, I thought I probably did although that wasn’t set in stone, I just thought I might in the future) and I haven’t regretted it for a moment. It turns out that, for me, what matters is being with him, nothing more and I have since realised that we have both changed our opinion on certain things over the years and so now, we pretty much do want the same things (and kids probably isn’t one of them) even if we didn’t right at the beginning.

You have got to think about how much you want certain things (marriage and kids in your case) compared to how much you want to be with him. Which desire is stronger? Another thing to think about is, if you choose to stay with this guy and sacrifice the things you really want, how will you feel about him in the future if your desires don’t change? I am lucky that my situation worked in my favour and I don’t feel like I am not doing what I want to do for someone else which could lead to resentment. I do know other couples where one has sacrificed for the other and it has lead to resentment (and eventually, splitting up).

I don’t know how old you are but it may be worth, if you love him that much, waiting to see if his feelings change. A lot of young men I know have claimed that they aren’t the “wife and kids” type but have gradually changed their minds as they have matured.

pearls's avatar

Before you make any commitments, you both need to be on the same page.

DrMC's avatar

if you disagree over having kids and getting married, how will you handle it when you are unmarried, pregnant, and he wants to be there for you, for a while, but later has decided to move on?

I agree with others above. He is unwilling to commit to key issues. Maybe he is unsure of himself.

The only way that will be agreed upon here is if you sacrifice and do it his way, until the relationship stops working.

Marriage is a commitment to work doggedly past the first 2 years of infatuation, and disagreements over kids, and who is going to turn off the light at night. Its a commitment in theory to stay side by side while one becomes ugly dying with cancer and not to run off for a week with someone better looking.

He’s not there. Maybe he has little faith in the institution of marriage.

I think you have a great 1 year relationship, and that is it. Maybe that will change. Who knows. Don’t have kids under those circumstances.

broncosgirl's avatar

Thank you for all of your thoughts and advice. I do agree that these “details” are much more than minor things. I do love him a lot, and he loves me. He is almost thirty, i am 25. We aren’t extremely young by any means, but it does feel like these are things I want to be certain of before I continue in a committed relationship with this man….and I don’t take five years of my life wondering if he will ever want the same things I do. I think we are on the same page that at this point we are content to be where we are, but I look towards the future a lot and want the best for myself and not a huge heart ache. So thank you for your thoughts, they have given me a lot to think about :)

marinelife's avatar

@broncosgirl Sounds like you are thoughtful individual. I feel confident that you will make the right decision for your future.

evandad's avatar

Details can kill you. If you feel they could lead to a problem either put them out on the table and see how it goes or get out now.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

Don’t worry about it for now. I think that a plan of the future can be dangerous, because people will generally try to stick to the plan rather reconsider it when things turn out differently. Who knows where you will be in a few years time? Unless you want to get married soon, just wait until the time is right and deal with the problem then. It sounds as if you are not completely disagreeing, you just have different ideas of the future but (crucially) you are prepared to compromise for the sake of the relationship.

ChaosCross's avatar

Yes, in some cases, one of those decisions could mean a life or a death, they are important things to talk about now and as much as it would hurt to disagree, it is far better to do it now than to have a serious fight over it when you need to make the choice.

thriftymaid's avatar

It all depends on what details you are talking about. Some people feel a spouse in another state is a detail not worth mentioning. Which way you prefer to hang the toilet paper is one that I’d let go.

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther