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ducky_dnl's avatar

If we all have a "soulmate," why do I feel like I lost mine?

Asked by ducky_dnl (5378points) February 13th, 2010

My friend died a month ago yesterday. I have been taking it harder than I know I should, but I can’t help myself. My friend was a totally different person. He had every single quality I was looking for in a guy, but before I got the courage to tell him “I love you” he died. I know it has only been a month, but I get upset when people say “you’re young, you’ll find someone else.” I notice guys, but at the end of the day I feel like I will be betraying my friend. I don’t like the idea of ever getting with someone else because they will never be my friend. They will never have all the qualities that my friend possessed. What do I do?

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22 Answers

dpworkin's avatar

You proceed with the normal grieving process, and then you will meet someone else. You don’t have to rush it.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

I’m sorry for your loss.

You should be upset by the death of a friend; it’s an indication that you have deep feelings and that your friend was important to you. There’s no rule or guideline about “how hard” you should take that.

First of all, a month of grieving for someone you loved is nothing. Depending on how long you knew him and how much he meant to you, your grieving period may last a lot longer than this. (I hope this isn’t awful news to you; the good news is that you will recover.)

I don’t believe in soulmates. If you do, then you’re setting up the conditions that will ensure your failure to find another great match—and no one is perfect. Don’t idealize your friend in your mind, either, as if he had no flaws and everyone will always fail to measure up to him. Cherish your memory, process your loss, move on… and be ready to find another “wonderful” guy, even though he won’t be perfect, either.

Judi's avatar

A month is early. Everyone grieves differently. Don’t let anyone judge YOUR grieving.
Grief is like a wound. At first you can’t stand the pain. Eventually it turns into a scar that stays with you for life, but only aches ocasionally. Your healing could take months or a year, but I promise, it won’t hurt THIS bad forever.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

My heart really goes out to you.I am so very sorry about your friend.It is terrible to lose someone you love.It’s alright take your time feeling however you want to about it.Your feelings are your own to work through at your own pace.

willbrawn's avatar

I am very sorry for you as well. Things will get easier with time.

Please learn from this though. When you have strong feelings for someone don’t hold them back. You never know when it will be to late.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@willbrawn -Your words are the best advice I have seen here yet.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille and @willbrawn amen. Letting people know how important they are to you (sometimes even just acknowledging it to yourself) can set up a huge loss when the person is taken (or chooses to go) away; but at least you won’t ever feel regret that, “I should have told her.”

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I’m terribly sorry at your loss. I’m going through the same process now and doing everything that @CyanoticWasp says not to do. Once someone already is your soulmate, you can’t “undo” that. People keep telling me that it gets better, but at 3 months I don’t feel any better. It must take much longer than that. You might consider getting evaluated for depression, that saved my life, but I still wonder whether it was worth saving. Just knowing that others are going through the same process can help. ((hugs))

janbb's avatar

As everyone is saying, a month is a short time and the loss is a great one. Don’t worry yet about whether or not you will find someone else. Your friend may have been a perfect soulmate for you, but luckily, there is not just one for each of us. I have truly loved a number of people in my life; each of them very different from one another. Take the time you need to lessen this pain even though it will always be with you. Know that there will be others you will love – not the same as this guy, but good for you and with you in other ways. Be gentle with yourself.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land wait, what? I didn’t say that you shouldn’t let people know how much they mean to you. I absolutely agree that you should. It hurts to lose them in any case, but (as @ducky_dnl knows) having the regret that “I should have told her” on top of that makes it worse and makes it last longer.

Unless you were talking about my first response, and the “idealizing” thing. Yeah, that’s not so good, I think.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@CyanoticWasp Sorry, I didn’t specify. My loss was my wife, who had become my entire reason for living. The ‘regret” part there is nothing she can do about so shouldn’t beat herself up about. My lady died suddenly (car crash also), I had told her thousands of times that I loved her. I obsess on the “why her? why not me instead?” aspect.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

I’m sorry, @stranger_in_a_strange_land. I know that it’s especially difficult for you. Man-hug okay?

Just_Justine's avatar

I am sorry for your loss, you are still grieving and people often say silly things to try and help. I know it’s annoying. I have had three bereavements in a short period of time. It takes a long time before you can even settle down inside. I am thinking of you in this tough time. oxox

DrasticDreamer's avatar

In four days, it will be the second month that my best friend died. It still hurts as much as it did the day I found out he was gone. It’s going to hurt for a very long time, and it will never be completely okay again. Tigh, my best friend, was also some kind of soul mate for me, and I know how much you’re hurting right now. It’s too soon for you to be thinking about a relationship with anyone, because a month isn’t that long at all. When some more time passes, think of you’re best friend; He wouldn’t want you to be lonely and miserable for the rest of your life. I know Tigh wouldn’t want me to be, either. That doesn’t mean that you have to settle for someone down the road – if it doesn’t feel right, don’t go for it. But if, one day, you feel okay enough to have a relationship, and the man meets your standards and makes you feel really good – don’t hold yourself back. It would make your best friend happy that you found someone.

That said… It’s extremely hard. I’m emotionally and mentally screwed up right now, and I have no idea how long it’s going to be before I feel even okay again. Words can’t describe how I feel, so I just want to let you know that if you ever need someone to talk to about it, you can message me. I’ll listen, and we can talk, because we’re going through similar things.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@CyanoticWasp -having the regret that “I should have told her” exactly:(

evandad's avatar

Don’t listen to the soul mate hogwash. After the burn is over you decide if it’s practical to go for the long term. You’ll find someone you can trust with that.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@evandad “Hogwash” in your opinion. Telling someone who lost their best friend, one that felt like a soul mate, that their feelings are “hogwash” is extremely insensitive, to say the least.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Your loss is very recent, let yourself grieve and feel the safety of keeping to yourself for awhile. There are people with good intentions who may want to distract you but be up front about what you’re going through and hope they will respect that. When you’re ready, you’ll know all by yourself without anyone prodding you.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@evandad I agree with @DrasticDreamer . The remark was not helpful.

I’m not sure about the opinions that you will find another relationship. It all depends on what you want. I’m much older than you and can’t imagine ever even being interested in another.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

@evandad I also didn’t like the particular word there (I don’t want to pile on, though). Mostly I agree with the sentiment, and I understand why you said it. The idea of “soulmates” and “only one for me” screws up a lot of relationships, because people can attach themselves to make even bad ideas come true, and that’s a bad idea. The thinking of “soulmates” leads a lot of people (men, especially, unfortunately) into the kind of thinking that leads them to “If I can’t have you then no one will,” and the tragic consequences that often follow that line of thought.

I don’t regret any relationship that I’ve had, because I’ve honestly told almost every woman that I’ve loved that I did love her when and while that was true, and I’ve let her go when she or we decided she should… and found another mate. I say “almost”, because I had to learn the same painful lesson that you did, @ducky_dnl (though not in the hard way that you did).

Give yourself time, get back in the world, and find a new guy… someday. You can do that. Take all the time you need. And when you feel it, tell the new guy how you feel about him. (Tell him about how you felt about your friend, too; if he’s the right guy for you then he’ll appreciate the feelings you had.) You do have to get past the regret of what happened; it happened, and there’s nothing you can do about that except learn from it. Regret isn’t a good emotion to nourish, either.

TheJoker's avatar

Perhaps because you have lost them…. sadly the world doesn’t promise you that when you meet your soulmate it’ll last forever. If this person was truely your soulmate I dont think you’ll ever exactly get over them. Yes, the sharpness of the pain will dull with time, & you may think of them less, but I dont believe it ever passes. 4yrs on & mine hasn’t.

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