General Question

TLRobinson's avatar

Why does someone become angry, when you refuse them sex? Especially, when this was the first time I ever did?

Asked by TLRobinson (2370points) February 14th, 2010 from iPhone

So, this question was thought of from another question about Valentine’s day.

My SO is upset because I didn’t want sex Friday. So he’s giving me the passive-aggresive silent treatment.

I think he’s behaving like an immature ass. Unfortunately, he’s not the first to be an ass after the word no is expressed concerning sex.

I would love a males perspective.

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51 Answers

ucme's avatar

I’d be disappointed but not angry.Seems really selfish to me.There’s always another time. The best things come to those who wait,as long as it’s not too long.

CharlieGirl's avatar

I’m not male,but I’ve had this experience more times than I can count,and most of them were strangers,so it’s even worse..

TLRobinson's avatar

@ucme- exactly! But why does someone, in my case men, demonstrate their disappointment with anger? What is that about?

dpworkin's avatar

This is someone with emotional problems and he needs to have them addressed. No couple on earth ever has perfectly synchronized sexual wishes, and most people deal with this sort of situation in a pleasant, loving way, because they understand this fact.

Get him some help before he starts hitting you, or some other shit.

ucme's avatar

@TLRobinson Spolt child syndrome probably.

Captain_Fantasy's avatar

You can always leave.

TLRobinson's avatar

@dpworkin- hmmm, do you think there’s a mindset, by some, that we ( women), should never say no?

CharlieGirl's avatar

If you don’t enjoy sex,or don’t want to be branded as a whore,then why should someone get upset over that? Are some people just that selfish?

dpworkin's avatar

@TLRobinson Not normal men.

Cruiser's avatar

IMO There may be more going on than just his disappointment over no sex.

borderline_blonde's avatar

I’m not a dude, but this has definitely happened to me. I was not a happy girl being treated that way. Unfortunately, some men (and women, too), vent other emotions through anger because it’s the easiest way to do it. You’re right – it’s totally immature and you shouldn’t find it acceptable. Ask him why he’s so upset about it and see if that clears anything up.

zebter's avatar

I may not be a male but no one likes to feel rejected weather they are male or female. He was needing to feel close to you and feel loved. This is how men are they need sex believe it or not because it helps their well being and is healthy for them. On average most men to keep a healthy mind set need sex at least 4 times a week or more.

Harp's avatar

It’s not so much disappointment over not getting laid. It’s the bruised ego that comes with the rejection. Lots of men have a heavy ego investment in their ability to seduce.

TLRobinson's avatar

@CharlieGirl- I agree!
@Cruiser- I can’t imagine. We just finished discussing how“peaceful” our relationship
and he was giving me
my gifts and we were headed
out to dinner: he asked for a
BJ and I felt like, no. So, if
you can decipher something from that, please tell me, I’m a big girl!

zebter's avatar

Well that is plain rude to just expect a BJ and ask like that.. He should have romanced you a bit more and been a bit more tactful in his advances.

Cruiser's avatar

@TLRobinson Even if he gave you a nice gift that is harsh!! What an ass!! You have every right to be pissed!

CharlieGirl's avatar

Thanks TLRobinson.Later gaters.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I had to chime in…tell him to go fuck himself…and remember…say it with a smile :))

CyanoticWasp's avatar

I’m in a new relationship and trying like hell to convince the woman I like that I’m not only interested in sex… but I am very interested in sex. I can’t imagine that such a feeling will last more than, oh, three to five years or so. At least, it’s never lasted much longer than that in the past. (It’s a nice dream; I hear that other couples have lustful feelings for decades, but I’ve never managed that with a single woman. So far; there’s always hope.)

Without knowing the particulars of your relationship, your guy, you, or how this refusal was couched, it’s hard to say why he’s feeling any of the things that he is. But unless you were somehow disrespectful, dismissive or otherwise insensitive or unfeeling toward him, anger is an inappropriate reaction. I agree with @dpworkin—it’s not a good sign. If you turned him down in some kind of nasty way, then maybe “anger” (if it doesn’t escalate) isn’t entirely inappropriate, but the passive – aggressive “freeze out” is definitely worth re-evaluating the entire basis of the relationship. I can take a partner being angry with me; fine, let’s talk about it. Pull that baby shit somewhere else, though.

Aethelwine's avatar

Don’t people that do this realize that if they were more understanding we might be open to such advances in the future? Yeah, silent treatment is really going to put me in the mood.~

TLRobinson's avatar

@zebter and @Cruiser- exactly! I’m a slow cooker, not a microwave! I heat up slowly. I’m disappointed, disgusted, and pissed.

The whore treatment isn’t my style. By the way, @dpworkin- it was a really nice card and parfum; nothing over the top. Plus, I was taking HIM to dinner…

ucme's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille That’ll be the “hands on” approach then.

zebter's avatar

oh snap.. you were treating him and he wanted more pork chops.. interesting.. sounds to me like you are with a very selfish person..

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I’m going to echo what @Harp and @zebter have said about feeling rejected. I’m a female but my partner having sex with me is an affirmation they’re love for me is a whole love and I admit to having had tantrums when they’re not in the mood. It’s horrible to have your sense of value tied to being desired but it happens, maybe a little of what your guy might have been feeling.

HungryGuy's avatar

Since it’s the first time you’ve ever denied him sex (whether you’ve just started having sex, or have been going at it for years), then he has issues. This is just a hunch, but I suspect baggage from a previous relationship in which his gf withheld sex to tease him or manipulate him—that would, justifiably, make a man angry, and he might be scared that your relationship might be turning that way. You probably need to sit him down and talk about it, if he’s willing to open up to you about his past relationships, so you can dig it out of him—and then reassure him that you really were just feeling ill or whatever reasons you had for not wanting sex…

zebter's avatar

@HungryGuy I agree with you sitting down and talking about it is a good idea.. if he reacts bad to a conversation about it then he may just be immature.

HungryGuy's avatar

@zebter – Right. If he refuses to talk about it, or reacts with anger again, then DTMFA…

TLRobinson's avatar

@zebter- exactly! Dessert would have cum later! Ass!

@hungryhungryhortence- interesting perception. But I’ve tried yesterday and today to discuss and his response? “what’s there to talk about; do you think you’ve done something; what should I be angry about? Stupid shit like that. Where before the decline, it was texting and calling me, professing his love!

So you can imagine I’m thinking, what the hell?!

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@Ucme-Yes,it certainly is!lol!

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

@TLRobinson: If this is the first time you’ve not wanted to make out and over a BJ then I dunno, I’d say he had just been really really craving one, he should get over his selfish moment.

zebter's avatar

Sounds to me like he is trying to make you out to be the bad guy and is manipulating you.
Manipulation is not good and will eat at you over time. I speak from much experience. It can destroy a relationship and cause you to resent him.

zebter's avatar

You have a right to be upset he is not respecting you and I would feel the same way as you.

HungryGuy's avatar

@hungryhungryhortence – Right. A person (male and female) often assumes their value to their partner is how much their partner desires them. When their partner rejects them for sex, they’re subconscious feeling is that their partner is devaluing them. That’s silly, but it’s human nature. Again, the best thing to do is find out what’s really going on inside his head and reassure him that, sometimes, you’re just feeling crappy and not in the mood for sex. A rational person will understand that. But if he reacts with anger again, then that’s a relationship red flag, and you probably ought to tell him so.

gemiwing's avatar

Regardless of how he feels, he’s handling it like a spoiled toddler.

The only people I’ve ever been with that acted like that quickly progressed to abusive behaviors. Sit him down and talk it out. If he won’t- then you’ll need to seriously evaluate this relationship and if it’s giving you what you need.

AlienBomber's avatar

Once all of the blood returns to his big head try to talk. Until then, as long as the little head is using the blood supply, don’t talk to him and for gods sake don’t touch him. This would only prolong the effects. The more you touch him the more he thinks you want it. He’s confused, he thinks that you want sex from him or he deserves it. You need to figure out which camp he is in and decide how you are going to handle this. If he thinks you want sex then: he’s not a bad guy he just misinterpreted the signals. If he feels that he deserves it then: run sister!

Trillian's avatar

@TLRobinson Hi, it’s me. This is what I meant about the six month window. you can really get to know a person in that time frame. The mask, if there is one, can’t generally stay on that long. I hope this is the extent of his unpleasantness. Take care!

TLRobinson's avatar

@Trillian- thanks for chiming in! And must say, it appears you’re right. Dammit! ;)

Trillian's avatar

@TLRobinson I’d truly prefer not to be. I’ll have to pm you at some point and we’ll catch up! Be well my sister.

TLRobinson's avatar

@Trillian- I look forward to it.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I’d tell him to go kiss my ass. This isn’t about him – it was about you not feeling like it – but he turned it around and is feeling rejected – well there is no reason to always be okay with sex and understanding partners know this.

GingerMinx's avatar

If my husband asked me in the same manner as you mentioned he would be lucky to be getting any for a long time. How rude and insulting, ‘heres your gift lets go to dinner, oh can you just suck on my cock before we go”. My sex drive is much higher than my husbands but trust me, he still would not be getting any and in fact he would be having dinner alone.

Corey_D's avatar

Well my perspective, as a male, is that he is a total douche. What does he want you to do? Have sex with him even though you aren’t into it at the time? Who would want that? I mean I guess I can see being a little insecure about it but to act that way is ridiculous.

Sophief's avatar

Is he only a young boy? It doesn’t sound like a man thing to do. I never have said no though so I wouldn’t know my partners response, but I do know it wouldn’t be to treat me mean.

TheJoker's avatar

This is the easiest question in the world to answer…. because he cares about himself more than he does for you. Its a typicallly juvenile & selfish atitude.

Silhouette's avatar

Rejection sucks almost as much as pouting.

TheJoker's avatar

@Silhouette But pouting’s an aweful lot cuter!

Silhouette's avatar

@TheJoker I can’t stand it. Man up and suck your lip in big boy.

TheJoker's avatar

@Silhouette Hahaha, looks alright on the ladies though :)

MekmanSupreme's avatar

Because people are still animals when we engage in or listen to our animal natures. Which if not curbed escalates into violence.

crazycrayon1357's avatar

Silent treatment is never good. He should work on communicating how he feels.
Besides that, It’s appropriate to look at situations like this from both angles, stripped of sexes, emotions- but needs. In this moment, One has a need for sex while the other doesn’t. For the one who doesn’t, the outcome won’t make much difference, because they still end up with the result they’re after- no sex. However, for the other, the result they are trying to achieve is blocked and cannot be fulfilled causing frustration (which is an emotion closest to anger. Some men resort to it more quickly because it’s most available when you’re emotionally unintelligent about your feelings and reasons.) In this case, nobody is wrong, it’s just a contradiction of needs that causes incompatibility between two people who are “committing” to one another. This person cannot meat theri sexual needs anywhere else, most likely this is a monogamous relationship, which casues the frustration, because after being denied, the person is left with their sexual tension built up so high and left unsatisfied along with the knowledge that they cannot go elsewhere to satisfy it. Sure they can jerk off, but the perks of a relationship is to experience the real thing and not have to rely on your own hand to meet that need. In the animal kingdom, you’ll find many animals rarely if ever masturbate, but then again, polygamy keeps them all from getting to that frustrated place. Best advice, work out a compromise for meeting each other’s needs when they conflict.

Ikikadirolf's avatar

My man is an angry man in most ways his patience/intelligence is very low so I think it’s got something to do with their brainpower he loves to get on his high horse and shout at the top of his voice his problems when my parents are there! Including sex!
He uses sex as his best attack on me I prefer not to do sex like most ladies of my age and he does! its becoming intolerable so I know how you feel. And yes he sulks and as moody as hell.

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