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kelly8906's avatar

How to cope with a stillbirth?

Asked by kelly8906 (340points) March 3rd, 2010

Monday afternoon, we went for an ultrasound and found out that our baby girl had no heartbeat. I was almost 24 weeks pregnant (6 months). Yesterday, March 2nd, I delivered my beautiful baby Sophia Annaliese who weighed 15 ounces and was 11 inches long. I spent most of the day with her yesterday, holding her and crying. She was so perfect in everyway other than her large gastroschisis (opening of abdominal wall) which led to heart failure. She was so beautiful…. so small but so perfectly formed. We already knew she likely wasn’t going to make it but didn’t know it would happen so quickly. I’m home now. I was discharged from the hospital this evening.. I can’t stop crying, I’m having a hard time caring for my 4 year old daughter and I don’t even feel like I want anything to do with my fiance. He is taking the news a lot easier. Tomorrow we have to go pick out an urn for her ashes and I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. Has anyone had a stillborn baby? I don’t know that I ever want to try and get pregnant again…. Is that normal?

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16 Answers

janbb's avatar

I haven’t had the experience so I can only imagine how painful it is. Sending you caring thoughts.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I am so sorry for your loss. The sorrow you are feeling is entirely normal, so just go with it, and get it out in the open. It will pass with time, and you will eventually want to have more children. It will take time to get there.

iseewavesinme's avatar

my condolences.

PacificRimjob's avatar

I don’t know but I am very sorry for your loss.

Jude's avatar

I’m very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

rangerr's avatar

I love you.

MagsRags's avatar

@kelly8906, hugs and warm thoughts. It’s very hard to lose a child, whether by miscarriage, stillbirth or newborn death I’ve had three miscarriages. It’s very normal to feel numb and overwhelmed. It will take a long time for the pain to recede, and you’ll need loving support.

Women are more likely to need to talk about their feelings, sometimes over and over. Men are a little more likely to want to try to “solve” it in a way that allows them to be done talking, and sometimes it causes a bit of stress in the relationship. Let your finace know that he doesn’t have to try to take away your pain, but that you need him to hold you and let you talk about it.

There are support groups available for this kind of loss. Share is one of the best known, and has many branches. There might be a group that meets in your area. If not, it looks like they offer an on-line support group with others who have been through what you’re going through now.

autumn43's avatar

I’m so very sorry for your loss, kelly 8906. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. You are certainly entitled to feel exactly the way you do right now. Your body, mind and soul has gone through a terrible experience.

It’s too early for you to be thinking about whether you could/would have another child. You need time to grieve and heal. Please take care of yourself and talk with your doctor if you don’t think you can cope with the normalcy of life around you. Hugs.

aprilsimnel's avatar

I’m so sorry. Your OB-GYN is probably the best person to help right now and has resources to let you know about, like local support groups. Please accept my condolences on your loss.

Judi's avatar

I am so sorry. There is no loss harder than the loss of a child. My heart aches for you.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Give yourself permission to feel all rhe emotions you are experiencing. They are all valid.
I am glad you had an opportunity to hold her. ((Hugs!))

loser's avatar

Grieve in what ever way you need to. Talking is a great way to work through the feelings.
My heartfelt condolences.

judochop's avatar

All of what you are feeling right now is normal. Your fiance’ is just dealing with this differently than you. Get a friend over to the house to help out with your daughter right now. Spend some time grieving, seek a support group or surround yourself with people that you love. I am sorry that you’ve had to go through this life experience. Just as all things get easier to deal with, this will to.
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
—- Kahlil Gibran
Please check out these links: ONLINE SUPPORT GROUP

lilikoi's avatar

@MagsRags had some great advice. You might also wanna tune into Brothers&Sisters as one of the characters on the show is dealing with a similar situation. I know it’s just a TV show, but it seems pretty realistic – the mother is numb and overwhelmed and the father wants to “solve the problem”. It might help to watch how they work it out.

casheroo's avatar

My heart is with you. I’m so sorry (((hugs)))

filmfann's avatar

I hurt for you. I am so sorry for this.
My sister-in-law had 3 children. One was still-born. One died of SIDS. One developed Measles, which caused it to become special needs. I cannot tell you which one broke her heart more.
Make sure you have someone to talk to during this time. My heart is with you as well.

Cupcake's avatar

I’m so sorry @kelly8906. Be patient with yourself.

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