Social Question

Sophief's avatar

When you are in a relationship, are you one, or one of two?

Asked by Sophief (6676points) April 13th, 2010

In my relationship I am very much one of two. He is my main concern, everything I do, I do for us. He is like that also, although I don’t expect it from him, it is nice.

I see people who say the same, they are lost without their s/o and they are part of a team. Then, I see people that say they still want their single life also, and that their main concern is themselves and if their s/o doesn’t like it then tough. To me that isn’t a relationship.

What is your view on this? Do you live for you and your s/o second? Or is everything you do built around ‘us’?

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44 Answers

wonderingwhy's avatar

It’s all about her. But making her happy is what makes me happy, so really I’ve never stopped looking out for myself, because in that sense I’m the only person who can. If I say it’s about us that, in it’s own way, makes it about me but when it’s about me that makes it about us.

Is it about us or me… I’d have to say both.

gemiwing's avatar

This isn’t an either/or situation. I think it’s healthiest to have a bit of both.

Hubbs and I are a team, yet part of that means giving the other person a chance to grow, learn and develop as an individual. My main goal, his as well, is to be a partner, not an attachment (emotional or otherwise).

JeffVader's avatar

Looking back I have to say it depends on how important the s/o is…. I have been in relationships where it was more out of convenience, & while I liked them, they weren’t the be-all & end-all.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I like the think we’re each a partner in something larger than either of us by ourselves. She brings out the better part of me and I do the same for her.

Sophief's avatar

@JeffVader Yes I know that feeling. Before it was always about me, I did what I wanted when I wanted, regardless of anything to do with him. Now, everything I think is for us.

@Adirondackwannabe That’s sounds like a solid relationship.

JLeslie's avatar

I feel I am one of two. I think in terms of us. But, in my relationship thinking about myself is not outside of us, because he would support and find satisfaction in me acheiving something I want, or finding happiness in a hobby, the same I would him. And, we both know that everythin we do affects the other person, the relationship. We are independent of each other, but a single unit all at the same time.

BoBo1946's avatar

don’t keep score, but just “mess” as a team! Very special!

Blackberry's avatar

She is a primary concern, but I still am doing things for myself. It depends on what you’re doing as well. If I go the store, and I know she’s coming over, I get food she likes. If I need to pay a bill, but I also want to take her out, I’m going to pay the bill and skip her dinner.

le_inferno's avatar

Obviously you have to consider the needs of your partner in order for the relationship to work, but your needs should come first. I’m not saying to be selfish, I’m saying never stop living for yourself. You need to worry about your own emotional and physical well being first, and hopefully that coincides with your partner’s. But if your partner obstructs your fulfillment or happiness, you need to move on from Him/Her and choose You. You dig yourself into a hole once you start living your life around someone else. Don’t forget your individuality, your sense of identity. You are not half a person.

Makes me think of those airport safety instructions. Secure your own mask before assisting the child. It’s not selfish, it just makes more sense. What help will you be to your child if you can’t breathe? Similarly, what good will you do for your significant other if you don’t work on yourself first?

wilma's avatar

I am me, he is him. We are together a team. Individual yet working together for each other and our children. When children enter the picture it is no longer one or two, it’s all of us.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I agree with @le_inferno even though I didn’t follow her advice. We combined to make one whole, healthy person. More than 90% of me died when my lady did.

Sophief's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land What a beautiful yet sad thing to say.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I can think in terms of myself and in terms of us. He is not my main concern and neither am I my main concern (pretty sure his main concern is our youngest child, for most of the day). What concerns me every day changes because sometimes my kids take precedence, sometimes my husband does or my work. I feel on equal footing with my husband and we discuss quite often how to give each other the support each of us needs in order to both be a good part of the family and as an independent person. Generally speaking, in our relationship, there is no such as him telling me what he does and doesn’t like about me and me adjusting to it or vice versa. We take each other’s individuality and freedom pretty seriously.

OneMoreMinute's avatar

I am One More Minute!

I am a One of Two

Trillian's avatar

I don’t think it needs to be all about “us” or him, but rather, the life you’re trying to build together. The goals that you both have as a team and as individuals. Kahlil Gibran says;
“You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

I think that it’s important to remember this, lest we come to depend too much on a fallible and imperfect human for our happiness that truly can only come from within.

Pandora's avatar

It is a little of both. I remember my first year of marriage was a little rocky because I made it all about him. He didn’t like that. He said he fell in love with an independent thinking woman and that is who he wanted. He was right (and that is rare, LOL). If you solely live for someone else you forget who you are and will ignore your wants and desires.
Then of course I got mad and made everything all about me and then he didn’t like that. LOL
But we finally came to a middle ground where we both could compromise without feeling put upon or put out and see ourselves as individuals and as a couple.

phillis's avatar

I am seven of nine. No, wait…...that can’t be right.

I am one of two. My husband has his identity, and I have mine. He has a totally different way of achieving a goal than the path I would take, but we end up at the same place because our core values are the same.

I couldn’t disagree more with the romantic drivel that you aren’t “whole” unless you are with your “soul mate”. Poppycock! That means that everything you learned, or did, or experienced, isn’t worth a hill of beans until you find another person. What if your “soul mate” is in another country and you guys never meet?

From what I’ve seen over the years, most folks don’t get it that you must first be whole before you can be an asset to someone. What that means is not that you’ve become perfect. It means that you have your own issues either eliminated, or well under control, so that they do not drag another person down with you! The overwhelming majority of relationships are based on screwed up ideas of what a relationship is. This is evidenced by the disturbingly high divorce rate in many countries.

Rangie's avatar

I think the “soul mate” thing is far over rated. Just exactly do you mean by that? I was married to my first husband, I loved him and thought we would be together forever. Things happen. Now I am remarried for 30 years. I love him and think we will be together forever. So this thing that your soul mate is the only one for you is bunk. We are rarely apart physically, as we worked together, shop together, go places together, but maintain our individuality and identity. So, I would say we are 1 of 2.

JLeslie's avatar

I agree soul mate, and you are not whole until you are with your life partner is bullshit. But, once in a relationship how do you view your relationship? That is what I was answering above.

whyigottajoin's avatar

I’m still sensitive, @Trillian‘s answer made me weep.. Made me realize alot of stuff that my (ex)bf and I should have done differently.

downtide's avatar

I agree with @gemiwing, it’s a bit of both. My partner and I are a team but we’re also individuals.

JeffVader's avatar

@phillis @Rangie @JLeslie I disagree… ‘soul mates’ are real, & this is coming from someone who does not believe in the soul, or spirituality. I’ve been in love before, had long-term relationships, but it’s just not comparable to being with your (sorry I don’t particularly like the term, but in the absence of a viable alternative) ‘soul mate’. It’s not just that the emotion is so much stronger, but it’s as if the two of you are on a stage, under the spotlight. The world circles around you, but in the shadows, & just is no longer important. I’m a fairly troubled individual but in her presence I feel peace. Nothing has had anything like that effect before….. Incidentally I do agree with you that saying ‘you aren’t “whole” unless you are with your soul mate’ is rubbish. It’s more like you’re just very lucky if you find them.

partyparty's avatar

My SO and I are one, but only because I am happy with myself first and foremost. Because I care about myself, and feel good about myself, I am able to reflect that feeling and caring onto my SO.
He is my best friend, and I am his best friend. Equal commitment.

Rangie's avatar

It is not only about being the good little spouse and supporting your spouse no matter what. Which I see many wives do. I can’t stand that attitude. I love my husband enough to tell him when he is wrong, and vise a versa. Sometimes it hurts, but it is also a harder stronger type of support.

Rangie's avatar

I think the term soul mate is misunderstood by most people that use it. I think they think it is some sort of Godly experience they have. When really all it is ” a person ideally suited to another, as in a friend or romantic partner.” It is over rated.

phillis's avatar

@JeffVader I have no problem with your disagreement. It makes sense, but in a different way than mine, from what I can tell.

People don’t pair off with a person just because that person is “great”. They pair off with a person because of how that person makes them feel. You said so, yourself. You feel better with your SO than you do around anyone else. Does that make the person your soul mate? Either way, you both won, so why would anyone fuck with it? That’s kinda cruel. You are happy. That’s what matters.

BoBo1946's avatar

My wife and I have the secrets to making a relationship last…

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!”, so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me “In the lake.”

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off…

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

phillis's avatar

@BoBo1946 Bahahaha!!! Love it!!

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

I just posted about a similar situation. My partner and I used to be one and I’ve recently come to realize that it’s completely unhealthy to spend every waking second of the day with him. I need to experience things by myself. I need to have my own friends and hobbies. Of course he will always be my top priority, but in order to have a healthy relationship, we both need a little time to ourselves. Being an individual is important. Being independent is important. Being so wrapped up in your partner’s life that you have no time to be your own person…that’s not healthy.

partyparty's avatar

@BoBo1946 You make my day LOLL

kittybee's avatar

I’m only a half now. Only messin.

JLeslie's avatar

@JeffVader I actually think we agree. It is a matter of semantics, and my unwillingness to say or portray on my part to single people, or people who God Forbid have lost their SO that their is only one perfect person in the world for each person, which is what soul mate implies in my opinion. I feel as one with my husband. I bet if you hooked me up to a biofeedback machine my blood pressure, heart rate, whatever else you can measure is more relaxed with him than at any other time during the day including when I am alone. Sometimes I feel badly for people who have never known such a relationship, the support, the trust, the calm, the happiness, the feeling of forever. I think many people would say I am married to my soul mate, I just choose not to call it that.

YARNLADY's avatar

We have been married for 36 years, and sometimes other people think we are one. They will be speaking to one of us, and expect the other to somehow magically know what was said. We are one partnership, but two seperate members of that partnership.

Ponderer983's avatar

I put my s/o very high on the priority list when I am in a relationship. I am always available to them and trying to make them and their lives the best that it can be. However, I do need and cherish my “me” time. I can’t be around one person all the time. I do choose to be around that person most of the time, but I have friends and family that require my time as well, and sometimes I want to spend that time with them alone. It all depends, but I do think of myself as a couple when I am in a relationship.

Adagio's avatar

@Dibley Where is Dibley in all this, don’t lose sight of yourself… I believe it is quite possible to maintain a healthy sense of self within a relationship that acknowledges the existence of two separate individuals, no matter how committed they might be to each other, and values that individuality as paramount to the health of the individuals concerned and, ultimately the relationship itself.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

When in a relationship I am one of two but my actions and view change a bit, I start to look at things as they effect two or more if there are kids and close family members involved.

tranquilsea's avatar

We are very definitely intertwined. We do most things together and we like it that way.

I recently read that couples who refer to themselves as “we” were more likely to stay married. And yes I always believe everything I read ;-P My husband often uses the the royal “we” when asking about something. I rib him for it.

tranquilsea's avatar

@phillis Thanks. I think it is cute too. Actually, it makes me laugh. I call him Queen Elizabeth I lol

Rangie's avatar

It is too easy to just get a divorce. I think the parents need to find ways to keep things fun and interesting. Planning future together is always a good thing. But daily little things are always good. My husband gets up before me and makes coffee. I get my little hand held phone and call him on one of 4 different intercoms. He has to run around until he finds the right one. We have pet names we use only on those calls. We have a great conversation and start our day with a very happy feeling. If parents would get more creative, they might not have to worry about what age the children are, because they are making life exciting and therefore no divorce. The fact is, no matter who you are married to, the sexual attraction that brought you together, fades. So you had better have more than that going for you to stay together.

Sophief's avatar

@Adagio Dibley is part of him, my hole thoughts are from him, from serious thought to the most easiest.

BoBo1946's avatar

glad my friends got a good laugh….that is needed these days!

Adagio's avatar

@Dibley “Dibley is part of him, my hole thoughts are from him,...” hmm…really… O..K

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