General Question

tinyfaery's avatar

Am I being controlling and/or can you help me convince my wife to stop a very annoying waldrobe malfuction?

Asked by tinyfaery (41614points) April 14th, 2010

It seems like no matter what type of pants my wife wears her butt crack always peaks just over the top. This has been going on for the past 8½ years. It’s become almost a joke. I tell her to cover her ass and she laughs and says, “I know you love it.” I don’t. I HATE it. It happens in public and at family functions. At times, when we are at home, I can see her whole ass coming out of her pants. I have been dealing with this for a long time now and I would like it to stop.

She says she hides it at work so I know that her pants can cover up her ass. What can I do? What can I say? I really do not like it and she seems to know it.

Any suggestions or advice? Any behavior modification techniques that I might try?

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62 Answers

slick44's avatar

Tell her you are serious and that you are embarassed. Maybe buy her some larger pants.

DarkScribe's avatar

How about a camera? They can be very effective for illustrating another point of view.

Sophief's avatar

Can’t you buy her some bigger pants, then tell her how good she looks in them?

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Tell her you won’t be seen with her when she dresses that way.Then do it.

free_fallin's avatar

You aren’t being controlling but it sounds like you haven’t really expressed yourself in a serious manner since she feels like it’s a joke. She’s your wife, she certainly shouldn’t be doing that anywhere. Hopefully having a very serious conversation where you tell her exactly how you feel will resolve the issue.

john65pennington's avatar

One problem that concerns me is that she knows this, but is continuing to show her a__ to you and in public. it appears your wife is doing this for attention.

I agree with DarkScribe. take a photo of her rear end, make copies, and send one to her work. this is a serious move on your part and you may find yourself in divorce court. but, serious actions call for serious measures and this is the situation you are facing. i would never do this and i know you would never do this. so, whay is your wife? it has to be for the attention.

There was a woman that plays bingo at the same place as my wife and i. she did this very same thing. she wore her daughters bluejeans and her half her rearend was sticking out. she would sit in a seat in front of us and her butt was shining like a new moon. there was no way her pants could cover her rear. she knew it and did it for attention. i advised security that this was distracting. security approached her and she tied a jacket around her waist. it was either this or leave.

rebbel's avatar

I agree with @slick44 .
@DarkScribe has the most effective solution, in my opinion.
Take a pic or video and confront her with the nice sight.
For sure she’ll be cured.

tinyfaery's avatar

@john65pennington She just does not care if someone sees her ass crack. It is not an issue for her.

Theby's avatar

@DarkScribe and @john65pennington seem to have the right solutions. I would also show her these answers. There is nothing more disgusting than seeing a butt crack.

stratman37's avatar

start walking around with your fly open and your junk hangin out and see if her girlfriends approve.

tinyfaery's avatar

I am also a female.

rebbel's avatar

I can, in a way, admire someone who doesn’t give a shit what other people think of her/him, but she should be bothered with your dislike of it, i believe.

Sophief's avatar

@tinyfaery What doesn’t she like about you? Maybe you could change something together.

john65pennington's avatar

2nd Answer: if her rear is showing in public, then you could have her arrested for indecent exposure. i am sure this would make the newspaper headlines and your marriage would go flying out the window. she needs psychariatric help. this is not normal.

plethora's avatar

I doubt this is going to change, no matter what you do.

tinyfaery's avatar

@Dibley A compromise could be good. I can’t think of anything equivalent. She rarely complains about anything I do or don’t do.

@john65pennington Get over yourself. If you have nothing to offer but judgment then move on to another thread.

Sophief's avatar

@tinyfaery I’m not sure then. I can only think of a compromise. How about if she changes you take her out to dinner or buy her something special, to show your appreciation?

john65pennington's avatar

tinyfaery. i did not ask this question. you have your answer and i have mine. what to get over. the man has a problem and we each have our own suggestions. sorry if you do like mine. you will get over it, yourself.

Cupcake's avatar

I think this is a great question @tinyfaery.

I would probably start with a serious but loving conversation. We all have things we would prefer be different about our partner… but it’s important to set a loving and considerate mood when discussing them. Let her know that although there has been joking about her pants over the course of your relationship, it’s actually something that bothers you… increasingly so, and that you would prefer that she put a little more effort into covering herself.

If that doesn’t work… I would find a photo of her crack and put it on the fridge or the bathroom mirror.

Positive reinforcement helps too… whenever she is covered in the rear, let her know how beautiful and sexy she is.

Good luck.

janbb's avatar

It seems that many styles of pants these days are hip-huggers or low cut. Does she particularly favor them? Many you could go shopping with her – or maybe you do – and look for some that sit more at the natural waist. In any case, I think the main way to make her change is to express how much it really bothers you.

liminal's avatar

Has she ever said how she thinks it happens?

tinyfaery's avatar

@janbb She favors the low cut pants and I am not about to start telling her what she can and cannot wear. That’s going a bit far.

Pretty_Lilly's avatar

Have you thought of getting her a job as a plumber ? j/k
I’m certain she’s doing it on purpose,she must be buying pants a few sizes too small or hiphuggers !

tinyfaery's avatar

@john65pennington You said “she needs psychariatric (your spelling) help. this is not normal.” This has nothing to do with the question. Now, STFU.

Facade's avatar

After telling her in a serious way how her indecency affects you, suggest longer shirts? If you don’t want to tell her what to wear then there’s very little you can do since the solution is to tell her what to wear.

liminal's avatar

I also wonder what she means by hiding it at work. I wonder if she sees it as how her body is made and has resigned her self to it while using humor to keep from feeling self-conscious. The safety of your relationship makes it easier for her to pay less attention to it. Of course, all my speculating means nothing compared to a serious conversation with her.

john65pennington's avatar


Brian1946's avatar

My wife does the same thing sometimes but I actually find it amusing.
I guess I’m somewhat of a libertine.

If she’s comfortable, happy, and not proactively bothering someone, then that’s fine with me.

I think she was showing the last time we were shopping and she asked me to help her look for something.

I said something like, “Sure thing, but before we do that, let me help you reduce your public exposure by pulling your pants up.”.

Then I gave her a gentle, affectionate pants wedgie. :-p

What is it about your wife’s exposure that makes you uncomfortable?

KatawaGrey's avatar

Does she wear belts? I used to have this problem though I was not amused but embarrassed by it and I started wearing belts. They keep my pants where I want them and they’re also a good fashion accessory.

Have you sat her down and had a serious conversation with her about it? If she honestly thinks you are joking and if it’s been going on for the entirety of your relationship, then it’s possible she has no idea how much it bothers you.

tranquilsea's avatar

I have had one hell of time buying jeans/shorts since the waistlines dropped from your actual waist. I’m not a big clothes shopper and so when I find a pair of jeans that don’t embarrass me, I keep them until they start to fall off.

My daughter is old enough now that I can do a squat test in the change room with her so she can tell me just how bad or good it is.

But my hubby likes that aspect of some of my poorly fitting pants (the ones I bought after trying on more than 40 different jeans and got frustrated). I don’t.

Your wife must be getting some pay off from dressing as she does or she would not do it. But you wade into dangerous territory with trying to get her to change.

unique's avatar

undershirts. you tuck them in and voila! no more crack.

get her a pack of a-shirts, then gush about how hot she looks in them.

deni's avatar

ask her if she seriously thinks that you and everyone else wants to see her ass crack all day? or maybe you yourself should start sagging your pants so she sees how unappealing it is.

MrsDufresne's avatar

Take your question and write it on a nice piece of stationary. Show it to her when the two of you are in a lighthearted mood. Tell her that it sincerely bothers you, but be gentle and caring when you tell her. Hopefully this will help her see how you feel.
Good luck.

hug_of_war's avatar

I say pick your battles. Is this something about her that you really can’t get over then have a serious conversation about how it affects you. Personally I don’t care if my ass crack is showing in the privacy of my own home, but I know sometimes these things can be annoying. For example my boyfriend likes to wear this shirt with holes in it and it drives me bonkers.

partyparty's avatar

Perhaps she is an unusual shape and can’t buy the right style of trouser for herself.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Why does this bother you?

wundayatta's avatar

I was just going to ask @Simone_De_Beauvoir‘s question! :-)

I think it’s important to look at your motives in asking her this. It’s only fair for her to hear the reasons why it bothers you. It’s also important for you to hear yourself, since it can give you a little distance and see if you really need to have this fixed. I think you can make a more persuasive argument if you detail the reasons why this makes you uncomfortable.

I’m particularly curious because you’ve been dealing with this for 8 years. She may not even hear you anymore when you ask because you’ve been asking for so long. That’s a communication breakdown, which means you have to find some way to feel heard on the subject. The best way to feel heard, I think, is to listen, first.

I wish you the best of luck in resolving this difference of opinion.

jca's avatar

i used to go out with a guy who did not like when occasionally my thong would show when i sat down. the easy answer was that i would try to wear a belt (and still do) or longer shirts.

Ltryptophan's avatar

I think this is a crack down.

lilikoi's avatar

^That just cracked me up.

Put her on How Do I Look? and let the experts talk some sense into her. Or, find a convincing stylist at a department store, tip them off to her problem, and cross your fingers that they will be able to work some magic.

I agree with @wundayatta that she may not even hear you anymore after 8 years. Before you try either of the above, you should try to have a serious conversation with her about this in a tactful but firm way.

I don’t get how some people here don’t see why this would be a bother. I mean it is one thing if your crack hangs out within the confines of your own home, and quite another if it is hanging out there for everyone to see every time you leave the house.

Jude's avatar

Not the most attractive look.

I’m not sure what you could do….

lilikoi's avatar

@jca or pants with a larger rise. Instead of ultra low rise from teen punk store, shop at the women’s section in Macy’s, for example. Or, even the kids section in nice department stores if you are petite.

tinyfaery's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir & @wundayatta It’s embarrassing when we are out in public. We go to nice places and her crack shows. We are having a family gathering and her crack shows. At home it really isn’t a big deal, but it’s so annoying to me now that just seeing her crack irks me.

I told her I was going to ask this question and she just laughed. Maybe I really haven’t been serious about the topic, though I feel like I have.

Blondesjon's avatar

You need to be as direct with her as you are with anyone else on here. You get right in her face and tell her to knock it the fuck off. If this doesn’t work shift gears and guilt trip her into it. Tell her that if she really did love you she wouldn’t think your feelings were such a joke.

You know, channel some mother shit.

If she keeps doing it after that, leave for a couple of days. Cut off all communication and stick by your decision. If the problem is this serious she is going to cuss, and cry, and call, and you need to ignore all of that until she says, “Ok. I understand. I’ll stop.”

Couples are couples and if you don’t nip something like this is the bud, early on, it is just going to manifest itself in more and more areas of your relationship as time goes on.

or the 2 of you can give me a call some friday night and we can work it out on the air dr. jon style. :)

free_fallin's avatar

I’m with @Blondesjon on this. It certainly seems like she doesn’t get it. Hopefully it won’t come to doing what he suggested after you sit her down and she truly gets it.

escapedone7's avatar

I think a long chamise, undershirt, proper undergarments might solve the problem. I know some people consider high waisted pants “mom jeans”. I think a long tank top tucked in or proper under coverings would let her wear the style she likes and still cover so skin doesn’t show.

evandad's avatar

Her wild side is part of her. Probably part of what first got your attention. It’s only skin. Lighten up and enjoy the show yourself.

wundayatta's avatar

@tinyfaery To be clear, this is about your embarrassment. Clearly, she isn’t bothered. I could go one step further and ask you why this embarrasses you, but I don’t know if that would make things any clearer—except that you may need to know that to convince her this is a serious issue for you.

The underlying concern for the both of you is about respect for your partner’s sensibilities. It probably bothers you more because she didn’t just go along with your initial requests. It’s a kind of disrespect that one wouldn’t expect in a committed couple. Especially you can’t both laugh about it.

I guess you have to figure out how much it bothers you. How much are you willing to do in order to get her to respect your embarrassment. You could try @Blondesjon‘s approach and report to us what happens. I’m sure that would amuse us no end. But I wouldn’t do that. It would also be very amusing to hear you two working it out with @Blondesjon on his show. I’d probably even tune in for that—or listen to the podcast. I would be pure entertainment, but I’m not sure you’d get good advice. He tends to go on these rants, and I have no idea where he’s coming from or where he’s going, but it is a noteworthy trip.

Talk. Make it clear you are serious. Listen to what she feels about your requests. I mean, how does she feel when you ask? See if you can negotiate a reasonable solution, such as she won’t wear that stuff when you visit family or are at nice places. And you won’t complain at other times. I don’t know. Whatever works for the two of you. But communication about how important this is is the starting point.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@tinyfaery Any issue laughed at after 8 years (!) would bother me to the point of ridiculousness so I can see that it’s gotten to that point for you – I think there are deeper issues at play here – I am leaning to agree with @wundayatta because there is no reason you should be embarrassed about it when you go to ‘nice places’ since she isn’t and it’s her butt-crack. On the other hand, there is no reason she should ‘just laugh it off’ if you’ve said it many times but you say she thinks you like it but she must know you don’t so why laugh? I’d just sit down and calmly say “I feel that this silly buttcrack issue represents something else – I am feeling as if I am not being heard and you must be feeling like I am telling you what to do when it is not my intention (right?)...I wish I can not care but it just drives me crazy when we’re out with people and I can’t relax…can we talk about this?”

tinyfaery's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Please don’t read into anything. The issue is the butt crack and nothing else.

YARNLADY's avatar

I love @Simone_De_Beauvoir suggestions. You might think it’s just the one thing, but often when there is an issue like that, there is a lot of baggage beneath the surface. How could a loving partner be so unwilling to acknowledge that there is an issue that needs to be resolved?

An example I have to offer, my husband insists on picking his nose and then putting his hand into his mouth. I choose to simply ignore that behavior, and I don’t really care what other people think about it.

Val123's avatar

Seriously…video and pictures….she may say she doesn’t care if people see it, but then again, she doesn’t get to see what they see.

lilikoi's avatar

@escapedone7 There is a compromise between high waisted mom’s pants that sit at your natural waist circa 1970s and ultra low rise teenager jeans circa 2000s. It’s called “mid rise”. It falls between your natural waist and your hips / butt crack. It is a style made by brands like J Crew, Ralph Lauren, Ann Taylor, BR, Theory, and sold in Macy’s and Nordstrom and Neiman Marcus. It is stylish, fashionable, and neither “old lady” nor “teeniebopper”, and it is what I, at 24, opt for (because it makes my legs look longer :D, albeit slightly). Like this or this or this or this.

If it is about a gaping at the back of the pants, see a tailor. Is she letting it hang out because she likes the attention or because she just can’t find pants that fit? In the latter case, you could just take her shopping or to a tailor and have pants custom made. I’m thinking 8 years of being irked would be worth a few hundred dollars to solve the problem.

Letting your crack hang out in public is socially unacceptable. It’s a fashion faux pas, considered sloppy and disrespectful, and downright offensive to some people. Who you choose to commit your life to is a reflection, like it or not, of who you are yourself. I would certainly not want to be caught dead on the arm of someone who chronically and knowingly lets their crack hang out on purpose. I don’t think it is unreasonable or abnormal to feel this way. I don’t think @tinyfaery is the problem here. If you want to express your individuality / violate social norms / challenge the status quo / rebel / etc, that’s fine, but both partners need to be on board.

@YARNLADY So does my bf! Why!? It cannot possibly taste good… I let it go because he does not do it in public, but if he did, I’d be on here writing a post like @tinyfaery

Val123's avatar

@lilikoi Hey! The high waisted pants were only popular for about two years in the 70’s!! (A friend of mine called them “boob huggers) Then they came out with hip huggers. Actually, they came out with hip huggers in the 60’s, and they hung around in the early 70’s for a while. Eventually they gave way to regular jeans.

lilikoi's avatar

Thanks @Val123 – interesting! I just remember my mom trying to make me wear her high waist pants, lol :P Did not go over well.

Val123's avatar

@lilikoi you had to be REALLY skinny to really pull it off, which I was, so I did. But they were quite uncomfortable so the fad didn’t last long. (Do you remember the jeans that zipped from the waist, down the front, under the crotch and up the back??? A friend of mine had a pair like that. I didn’t like ‘em!)

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Tell her that from the back, she looks like she should be on

Val123's avatar

Uh oh. I just noticed in the q you said, “Waldrob” malfunction! LOL! It could very well be because of where she buys her clothes….to tie in with @PandoraBoxx!!

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@tinyfaery Okay, my apologies – if it’s simple, then solve it

Val123's avatar

OK. It doesn’t bother her, but it bother’s @tinyfaery because….it’s a reflection on her too.

stratman37's avatar

The next time her pants are up at an acceptable level, walk up behind her with a staple gun…

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