Social Question

nivek's avatar

Cheated on?

Asked by nivek (36points) May 18th, 2010

I recently discovered via text message that my girlfriend of two years, whom I thought was my soul mate had in fact recently cheated on me. Upon confrontation she’s incredibly apologetic, cries, claims she doesn’t know why she did it, but that she wasn’t thinking and it was a stupid mistake, and that she is madly in love with me and want’s to spend the rest of her life with me. My world has been turned upside down… help me.

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34 Answers

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

Walk away. A relationship is based on trust and that has now been broken. If you continue the relationship, you’ll always be wondering “is she doing it again?”. Welcome to Fluther

CMaz's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land has that right. Sometimes not an easy thing to do. But the best decision.

IchtheosaurusRex's avatar

Two years? You have a lot invested in that. How far did the cheating go? And who was it with? How did it happen? Was it a one-night stand, was there alcohol involved? Is this someone she knows and sees daily? Is it an old flame?

Honestly, I don’t know what to tell you. All I can suggest is to chill for a while until you sort your feelings out.

nivek's avatar

I’m a software engineer…this guy she met at a grocery store…he WORKS there. He introduced himself and complimented her and they started texting and hanging out each time she went to the store while i was at work…then one day they went to his house together and he made a move on her and they had sex.

reverie's avatar

Sorry to hear that you’ve had this experience – it sounds absolutely horrible.

I agree with the other comments. I think leaving is definitely the best option, particularly since she didn’t confess to you and you only know because you found out some other way. That’s a pretty huge breach of trust.

If, in the future, when you have got through the initial shock and pain of this, you decide that you still want to be with her, then maybe you can try again. But for now, I’d give yourself some time alone to reevaluate what you really want. Often people stay because leaving is too painful, and I don’t think that’s a great reason. You should stay in a relationship because you love the person and for a whole load of other positive reasons. You shouldn’t stay in relationships to avoid negative things from happening, like the pain of separation.

nivek's avatar

But we have a fantastic relationship, and (i thought) adored each other! and we have a fantastic love life…

reverie's avatar

@nivek Sorry to be blunt, but if you had a fantastic relationship, she wouldn’t have had sex with someone else behind your back.

chels's avatar

It’s always hard when you find out you’ve been betrayed, especially by someone you loved with everything you have.
You need to take some time for yourself and just get away from it all.
I’ll be honest when I say the best think you can do is just walk away from her and don’t look back. It’s hard, but worth it.

If your girlfriend of two years could cheat on you just like that with some random guy she met at a grocery store (if that’s even true) then she obviously doesn’t care that much about your feelings. She has no respect for you what so ever. Who would want to be with someone who doesn’t respect them?

The worst part is feeling like you have such an amazing relationship and then have the other person cheat. It’s kind of surreal to be honest. You are completely in love and everything is wonderful meanwhile this other person is just going off and doing whatever they want.

My ex cheated on me, and I forgave him. He cried. He said he’d never do it again and I believed him. You know what? He did it again. and again.
Then I hated myself for believing him, wasting time on him, realizing that he wasn’t going to change. That’s just who he was.

Just walk away. You’ll thank yourself in the long run.

CMaz's avatar

“adored each other! and we have a fantastic love life”

Sucks when that all comes to a screeching stop.

Aethelwine's avatar

It’s a long and difficult road to get past something like this, but it is possible. Are you ready to invest the time and energy that is involved to work this out? If you do forgive her at some point, you need to let it be. It will never work if you tell her you forgive her, then continue to bring it up whenever you have a disagreement.

Not every cheater is a habitual cheater. Unfortunately there is no way of knowing if she is or isn’t.

BoBo1946's avatar

@nivek i’ve been down that road also…it is never the same after that! Everytime she leaves the house, you wonder where she is going. Not much fun to live like that….walk, while the walking does not involve children!

deni's avatar

that is SO shitty. im so sorry to hear it. if you think you can deal with giving her a second chance then try your best, and if you know you’ll never be able to truly forgive her, then listen to your gut. yikes. sorry again. :(

CMaz's avatar

“can deal with giving her a second chance”

Why, when there are so many more fish in the sea.

deni's avatar

@ChazMaz well yeah! but im sure its hard to just throw everything out the window that you had with someone for the past 2 years. lots of people give their cheating spouses second chances. i don’t get it. i wouldn’t.

Seaofclouds's avatar

Leaving is one option. If you both really want the relationship to work out, trying to move passed this is another option. If that’s really what you want, counseling is the best idea (couples counseling and individual counseling). In order for a relationship to move on after infidelity, it takes a lot of work. Ultimately, you would have to forgive her (not necessarily right away, but in time). She would have to prove herself to be trustworthy (which will take a lot of time as well). If you feel like the relationship is worth trying to work it out, then go for it, but if you feel like going to counseling and having to actually work at your relationship isn’t for you, then it’s best to move on. Also, working things out can only work if you are both on board. If she isn’t willing to go to counseling or to work at it to prove herself to you, it won’t work out.

CMaz's avatar

I gave my ex 20 years. Before making a decision I should have made by year 2.

All that lost time, I could have spent finding the right one.

deni's avatar

yeah exactly, what a waste. why be with someone who will cheat on you when you can be with someone who wont? ive never been in the situation but i dont think i would ever be able to trust a cheating boyfriend or husband again. it would be constant worry, which i couldn’t handle.

chyna's avatar

I’m with @chels. My exboyfriend cheated, swore it was only the one time, yada yada. He continued cheating and I forgave him a few times. Each time I forgave him, it made it that much easier for him to cheat. I’m sure he thought “wow, she forgave me last time, she will forgive me this time because I’m such a catch!” I had no trust in him after the first time and I checked on him a lot and, in general, made my own self miserable. Only you can decide if you want to continue in this relationship. Can you trust her again? Everytime she has to go to the store, will you be thinking, “is she banging the checkout guy?” Are you going to be going through her phone, checking her messages, trying to listen when she is on the phone for code words? Cheating is a miserable business. I think you should at least separate for a while and see where you are and how you feel in about a month.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

You have to make a decision – to forgive and begin a long and hard road to moving on or to leave. Only you and her can decide.

le_inferno's avatar

I agree with @jonsblond. Recovery of the relationship is possible, but it’s by no means easy. Give her a second chance if you think she’s worth it. If it happens again, kick her ass to the curb. That would prove that it’s a pattern and that you cannot trust her. I mean, it took her 2 years to make one mistake, I think that’s saying something. She was faithful to you for a long time. Though, I think it’s a pretty big deal she had sex. If it were a kiss or just fooling around, it wouldn’t be as criminal, in my opinion. It makes healing the relationship all the more difficult. She fully gave her body to someone else… that hurts, a lot.

What I don’t agree with is when people automatically dump their significant others after they cheat. They’re too close minded to consider the variables, and invent a stipulation of “If he/she cheats, I’m gone.” I personally think this is unfair, as no one is perfect, and an isolated event does not always mean they’re a life-long cheater. It’s like that person is concerned more with their pride than their relationship.

Aethelwine's avatar

@le_inferno I completely agree with you. I know of couples that gave their spouse a second chance and they couldn’t be happier now. In a strange way, the affair made their relationship stronger because they were able to work it out. They may be in the minority, but it’s still possible.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

I disagree with all of those who said to leave her. This has only happened once. She made a mistake. A huge mistake. But the point is that she cares about how much she hurt you. People make fucked up decisions sometimes and after all is said and done, they look back and kick themselves in the ass. If you honestly think she regrets it, is sorry, and she won’t do it again in the future, give your relationship another shot. This isn’t a girl you’ve only been with for a month. 2 years is a long enough time for you to try and work through issues.

I cheated on my s/o awhile back. It was the stupidest thing I had ever done. We were together for 3 years and lived together. He gave me another chance and we’re happier than ever. We’ve been going strong for 5 years now and getting married in 2 months. Not everybody deserves a second chance. Is she worth it? You decide.

chyna's avatar

I understand and agree with the people saying “second chance”. I did it. I gave a 3rd, 4th and 5th chance. Only you can decide when you can’t live with this person anymore. I would still hold off on having the relationship continuing as if nothing ever happened, because something huge did happen. As I stated above, I’d give it a cooling off period just to be sure. I also hope @ItalianPrincess1217 is correct in saying this is her first time. Some things you will just never know.

YARNLADY's avatar

I do know of a person who cheated once on his wife in thought only, by sending e-mail messages, but he felt so guilty, he gave it up. I have also seen people in relationships where they knowingly have partners outside the marriage, and seem to be OK with that. What works for someone else might not work for you, but only you can decide.

perspicacious's avatar

I’m of the opinion that if she did it once, she will again. I could be wrong.

pearls's avatar

This is only a decision you can make. We don’t know anything about this person and if they have done this before. I have walked in your shoes, but the decision had to be mine whether or not to forgive or not.

evandad's avatar

If you really think you can let it go then give her a second chance. But if you think it will always be in the back of your mind, you gotta go. This might just be the only time you found out about it. She got lazy about covering up her tracks.

frolix's avatar

I think you should expect a change in your relationship if a second chance is what you opt for. From my experience, both my boyfriend and , we just couldn’t see things the same way again in our relationship, no matter how hard we try. Then again, may be that’s the beauty of second chances, a willingness to adapt to changes.

BoBo1946's avatar

in retrospect, several posters said, there have been people that have gone through this process before and things worked out. There are accceptions to the rule….as pointed out, we don’t know this person. And, as @pearls said, it will be your call. Before making that decision (both you and your s/o), would go and get counseling before making that final decision. Love can overcome anything!

BoBo1946's avatar

loll..sorry, should be exceptions to the rule!

perspicacious's avatar

@BoBo1946 In some cases, it seems love can’t overcome counseling. I’ve known troubled couples try to work things out with the help of a counselor; almost all were counseled into divorce. It’s become a bit of a joke among divorce attorneys.

BoBo1946's avatar

@perspicacious got’cha…a Christian counselor would be my recommendation! And, understood, that would not work for lots of people! Tough deal…once a person cheats, the odds are not good no matter what they do!

IchtheosaurusRex's avatar

Hearing the circumstances, my answer remains the same. You have much to think about, although your GF would have a very tough time earning any trust from me. Seems like she did a lot behind your back before the main event.

How young are you? Two years in a relationship and no real commitment? You’re not engaged, pre-engaged, cohabiting? Have you swapped keys at least?

Maybe you need a dose of maturity. Pain can do that.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Most people who are madly in love with a partner have no desire to be with anyone so things don’t “just happen”. She probably isn’t madly in love with you, had the fling because she just wanted to and didn’t think it would impact what she thinks of as serious between the two of you. That or she’s the type that can’t be faithful or find enough excitement and satisfaction with one partner. Some people are terrified they’ll stagnate or lose some of their spark if they are with just one instead of how most people feel about being further inspired and contented.

How badly do you want her and what do you have vested in her? If you don’t see yourself spending the rest of your life with her, trusting her to not make a fool of you to future family, friends, co workers and children then keep her otherwise hurt like hell and walk away now. I’m telling you, nothing feels better than looking over at your partner and knowing they’ve got your back and would never see your thrown under the bus of hurt, humiliation and loss.

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