Social Question

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

How do people claim it was a stupid mistake when they cheat on their S/O?

Asked by Adirondackwannabe (36550points) May 18th, 2010

Are you serious? How the hell can you claim an affair is a mistake? A mistake is transposing two numbers when adding something up, or hitting the wrong number when dialing your phone. You got down and dirty with another person and exchanged bodily fluids. And it doesn’t happen without time to think things through. Give me a frigging break. A**holes.

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31 Answers

Blackberry's avatar

Lol…...Well we would seem like bigger assholes if we just said “I wanted to try someone else”, or “We were just attracted to each other and it happened…”. Sometimes you have to sugarcoat things to spare the other persons feelings. And other times the person is so flustered because they were caught it’s all they can think of.

john65pennington's avatar

Stupid mistake is not the proper wording. “costly” mistake would be a better phrase.

People know what they are doing. people are not stupid. sometimes you have to pay the piper for a “stupid mistake”

Actually, what they mean to say is “it was a stupid mistake that i got caught”.

Tropical_Willie's avatar

‘Cause they got caught ! !
It was Stupid—the mistake is they did not think there S/O was smart enough to catch them.

deni's avatar

Because they need an excuse. I don’t understand cheating. It’s not as if you “forget” that you’re in a relationship or that you’re married. You know what you’re doing before you do it and while you’re doing it and I have to imagine you feel pretty shitty and guilty afterwords too. I don’t see the appeal. Is the sex that good with someone else? Unless you’re in an open relationship I can’t see how it would be satisfying at all, anyhow.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Because it usually IS a mistake. That doesn’t make it an accident. You regret a mistake… I’m not sure how calling it a mistake would be wrong. They’ve done something awful, something regrettable… I’d be offended if they DIDN’T think it was a mistake.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Thanks for reaffirming my somewhat shaky faith in society. It’s not like Oh, I was taking my clothes off to take a shower, tripped over my shoes and fell on the bed and my dick just happened to slide into a woman.

Buttonstc's avatar

It’s called rationalization.

Instead of taking responsibility and admitting something like “I made a horrible selfish decision which totally disregarded your feelings” calling it a mistake SOUNDS so much more benign. Maybe cuz when we are kids, we get a pat on the head and admonished to be more careful next time.

Blackberry's avatar

Some people also forget that there is no law against cheating…..We only aceept cheating as wrong, but that does not mean it is actually wrong, just because 98% think it is ‘wrong’. Some think it is wrong to smoke, but what is wrong is only determined in individual eyes when it comes to things like this.

Ponderer983's avatar

Guys…gotta hate ‘em lol! I always hated that. It’s no mistake, it’s a conscious decision. I cheated once and I didn’t trip and fall on his dick. I allowed it to happen. Was it right, no, but it happens. However, I did not make some stupid excuse of it “just happening”

@Blackberry “We only aceept cheating as wrong, but that does not mean it is actually wrong” Are you kidding me? Are your morals a little off? If you committ to someone, and the deal is you only sleep with each other, you lied to them. How is lieing not wrong? I’m not saying how you feel about cheating, I’m pointing out that lieing is wrong, and cheating is lieing in a committed relationship, no?

@deni Well put

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I don’t think there is such a thing as “accidental” cheating. One has to be open to such a relationship, “looking for it” as it were. These things don’t happen if one is truly loyal to ones partner.

deni's avatar

@Blackberry it’s wrong if you know the other person, who you are in an exclusive and committed relationship with, would not approve and would be deeply hurt. like i said though, with an open relationship, that’s another story. but most relationships aren’t open because most of us can’t handle our partners out galavanting with other men and women at their leisure. i cant. :(

Blackberry's avatar

@Ponderer983 It’s just a verbal contract…..How is it any different than having someone promise to never leave you or start a family with you or something? If it does not work out, it’s the persons fault that broke the promise? I don’t think so…..

I’m not saying I would run around and bang whoever just because there’s no law for it. I have a girlfriend that I have strong feelings for, but if she just happened to fall for someone and she didn’t have the time to call me and break it off before she had sex with him/her…I’m not going to be devastated because she did not call and break it off first.

Blackberry's avatar

@deni Key quote: “most relationships aren’t open because most of us can’t handle our partners out galavanting…”. What separates that difference in those two humans in a open relationship, and two monogamous people? Ideas….a few exchanged conversations and ideas is all I see, plus some self-esteem and confidence issues, but that is all.

Seaofclouds's avatar

I think people call it a mistake after the fact because they realize they messed up (whether they get caught or confess it first).

@Blackberry Adultery is still a crime in some places. Some states in the US still have it as a crime, it’s just rarely enforced. For members of the military, adultery is a potential court-marshall offense. So while cheating on a SO before marriage may not be a crime, it is a crime in some places once you are married.

deni's avatar

@Blackberry but regardless of the reason…take myself for example. i dont want to be in an open relationship, i just dont like the idea. maybe its my self esteem, whatever. maybe when i entered the current relationship i’m in, we decided we both just want to be with each other because that works for us and makes us happy and neither of us “want more”...aka sex with another person. i don’t need to have sex with multiple people to feel satisfied. it would do nothing for me, because i prefer sex with someone that i’m in love with. we both do. so it works. so an open relationship would just not work for us. but some people can handle it, so they do, but those types of people should not be in a relationship with my type, because it’s just a set up for bad things to happen. that is all im saying.

Blackberry's avatar

@deni Oh yes I agree with your last sentence, but we could talk about this forever and it would go into other topics. But as far as cheating is concerned, is it the fact that the person does not break it off first? Would you be less devastated if your S/O simply called or talked to you one day and said “I met someone that I have a lot of feelings for unexpectedly, and I want to be with him/her…”? Or are people disappointed because their S/O simply ‘left’ them for someone else or what?

Ponderer983's avatar

@Blackberry I sort of disagree with you on your first part that that instance is cheating as well, i never said it wasn’t. Doing something contrary to a promise made to another is lieing – period. It depends on why it didn’t work out. We promise a lot of things in a relationship and people, yes, change. But you need to communicate as things change. Having a conversation with someone before you lie to them is what needs to take place, not lie and then break something off.

“didn’t have the time to call me and break it off before she had sex with him/her” <—It’s called common courtesy and being a decent human to treat someone you care about with respect, and telling them before something happens is the humane thing to do.

Oh, and you always

I see you talk a bunch about self esteem, but did you ever think it is YOU that has self esteem issues? You aren’t confident in YOURSELF to stick with one person and don’t have the self control to follow through on a committment you made to someone you care about? Or that you don’t feel you are worth being with one person that loves you and has that be enough? that you need constant reinforcement from many people to feel needed, important, worthy, etc.? That you use this as an excuse to cheat on people, or a rationale? It’s almost like the people who are so against gay people end up being gay themselves.

chyna's avatar

“Oops, my penis fell into her vagina, I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@chyna It’s one of the major inconveniences of exterior plumbing

Blackberry's avatar

@Ponderer983 Ah yes of course, if the person is noticing changes within themselves, they could say “Hey, I have started to feel this way lately..” etc.

You are correct about promiscuous people having self-esteem issues. There is definitely a difference between promiscuous people that do it intentionally(open marriages etc.) and others that do it because they don’t have the maturity, self-esteem and confidence to be comitted (I feel like I keep spelling comitted wrong?), especially when they keep getting in commited relationships.

Hmmm… how can I say this..? I think what I don’t understand is the ‘all the fuss’ about cheating when it is something so trivial? Unless your S/O gave you an STD or STI, it’s hard for me to grasp the concept of all the emotion involved when it is something that should almost be expected to for us to all deal with sooner or later? Or maybe it is because many of you are older and more experienced than I am?

I think we all know the two sides, so yes you could be disappointed because someone cheated on you, but why dwell when there are others? The penis or vagina you ‘owned’ was penetrated by someone else….how is it shocking when that is what happens anyways? You pack it all up and move on to find another mate and get to know them in hopes they have the same ideals as yours etc.

I have to keep thinking about this so I can type it the way I want it to sound lol….

Blackberry's avatar

Or maybe it is because the notion of monogamy lasting for long periods of time seems almost impossible to me? People grow and change so much, how is one person who feels a certain way at one point in their life supposed to find another person at the same level, and expect to stay together while they are still growing and changing or discovering new ideas and experiences? What if this person already knows what they want, but an unexpected situation or chain of events causes them to re-evaluate their thought process?

It seems as if monogamy works best after a person has stopped growing and they are much much older and throughly experienced to the point where they do not need to grow (or can’t?) anymore and they finally settle to the point of simply living out the remainder of their life with another person who is in the same position? What do you think? @Ponderer983

Seaofclouds's avatar

@Blackberry The ideal situation is to find someone to grow and change with over the course of time. For example, when my husband and I met, we were both more focused on our careers. Now, we have both grown and changed to the point that we want to focus on our family. Growing and changing (naturally) with the person you love can be a wonderful experience.

Blackberry's avatar

@Seaofclouds Ah yes of course, I did not forget that as well. It’s just so hard to put all of these factors in one answer, I feel like I want to research this and write a paper on it lol. Although ideally, that would be the best way to go, but there are many avenues to go down during the changing process and one couple who may have been together for decades, may veer down these different avenues during the course of their changing process and end up not as compatible as they once were.

Ponderer983's avatar

@Blackberry To you, cheating is apprently trivial, to others it is not. I think maybe you are concentrating on the term “cheating” as opposed to the root of the issue which is a “betrayal of trust.” What good is life without people you can trust. You can try the “got it alone” strategy, but at some point you need that person to lean on. And what better person than someone you love and trust and enjoy being with?

And yes, I do feel that if you are young (I don’t know how old you are) or younger than most on here, maybe you don’t have the maturity yet to realize the amazing benefits of a committed long term relationship. It is less that you have to worry about when you can trust someone else with your love and not question it. Instilling that little bit of doubt snowballs into smaller fights that are rooted in the initial betrayal.

Yes, people change. All thoughout their lives. But for the most part, their core values and who they are do not. It takes A LOT to change that. That core person is who you fall in love with and who you stay with. No person is ever the others ideal, so you need to weigh the good and bad of the other person, or “the things that you need in a person” and the “things you can deal with in a person.” These differ for everyone, but that is what maintains a relationship. And discovering new ideas and experiences can also benefit and grow the relationship further. What if one of you finds something new and it turns out you both love it! That’s why you do certain things together as a couple and somethings you go at alone. I wouldn’t force my SO to go hiking if he didn’t want to. I would do it by myself and then we can go out together to a football game of the team we both like. One thing I look for and like about a SO is actually their explorative nature and willingness to do new things. Somethings I may like, others I may not, but the only way you know is to try and expose yourself to it.

I don’t think you are correct in saying that the only people who can be monogamus are those who are set in their ways. How boring, to be with someone thinking and doing the same thing all the time. You have to find someone who you actually are willing to change with, in my opinion. What you fear is exactly what I look for and look forward to in a relationship. But there are 2 aspects to the relationship, the sex and the emottional side. We have mostly been discussing the emotional side. Wanting to ahve sex with only one person is a maturity thing. It’s realizing that this person has both, the physical and emotional qualities you look for. It is difficult to find more than one person that fits this criteria very well, so when this is realized, it becomes less important to sleep around. Cause let’s face it, how much better is the sex from person to person really? the combination is difficult to find and when it is, you keep it! You think it may come around again, but it’s hard to find that certain something.

Change within your relationship is good – embrace it! Changing with someone you love is very rewarding!!

aprilsimnel's avatar

Nah, it’s not a mistake. But they already feel bad and they’re stung by being caught , so they’re just trying to mitigate the damage. Shoot, tell the truth, then the issues that led to the cheating can be dealt with or the original couple can go their separate ways. Either way, problem solved.

le_inferno's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Your whole “oops I tripped and my dick slipped into a woman” scenario is an accident, not a mistake.

defintion of accident: anything that happens suddenly or by chance without an apparent cause
Defintion of mistake: a wrong action attributable to bad judgment or ignorance or inattention

The “or“s are important. You are using the latter two in your original post, “ignorance” or “inattention,” to describe a mistake. Cheating would be a result of “bad judgment.”

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I stand corrected. I must have slipped up.

legenwaitforitdairy's avatar

I didn’t read the other answers, because there were too many.

But I have to say this, people think it’s a stupid mistake because usually the reason is selfishness.

“i think thought s/he was hot”

^—stupid mistake

If it was “I was trapped” it’s not longer stupid. It’s only stupid if the person truly thought only about their own intentions.

I don’t think it was an “oops, I tripped” thing as much as it is a person is completely ashamed that they could’ve behaved in a way that was so utterly, and completely selfish.

that’s when the “ooops, stupid mistake” comes in.

deni's avatar

@Blackberry it would be less hurtful if they had broke it off first, but barely. but it gets complicated, because if it was a month before they slept with this person, thats one thing. but a day or an hour before seems kind of pathetic. at least it’s an attempt but barely.

perspicacious's avatar

Desperation and the realization of what may be lost. The truth is generally not that it was a mistake, but lack of character and self control.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Because it was stupid of them to think they wouldn’t be discovered or hurt anyone’s feelings they’d misled by being under the cover of “exclusive”.

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