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mary84's avatar

Can you give me some advice on how to stop worrying about my relationship?

Asked by mary84 (570points) May 21st, 2010

So I’ve met this guy who’s now my boyfriend since Feb this year.
We have a great relationship and even though we haven’t been together that long and our relationship is still not rock solid I have never been this happy in my entire life. He is the kind of person I’ve been longing to meet for years. And now that I’ve found him I’m death frightened of losing him.

I’ve made the mistake of ruining previous relationships by worrying too much and beeing to needy so I don’t want to ruin this too.

I know I have nothing to worry about, but I keep getting these scenarios in my head, such as ‘what if he suddenly stops loving me’? what if he meets someone else?

Can someone help? What is a good way to stop being anxiuous?
I guess I’m anxious because he means so much to me, and I am afraid of losing him.

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11 Answers

Blackberry's avatar

I don’t think you can reverse years of whatever happened to you in the past, you simply have to leave your comfort zone and stop being needy. Or find someone that wants a needy mate.

smokeweedeveryday's avatar

but I keep getting these scenarios in my head, such as ‘what if he suddenly stops loving me’? what if he meets someone else?
I think about that too sometimes but them when im with him my doubts go away.
Becasue he shows me that he is a trustworthy person.

partyparty's avatar

Stop feeling so insecure. Instead of thinking he might leave you, why not start thinking he is fortunate to be with you. Love yourself first and foremost, then others will love you in return.

aprilsimnel's avatar

You should know that your feelings are not aboout him at all.

Make yourself realize that if you did lose him or he meets someone he likes better and goes off with them, well, honestly? So what? Sounds harsh, right? But so what, really? What does that have to do with your worthiness as a human being? Nothing. Do you honestly think that a man leaving you renders you forever and permanently unlovable? That no decent man will ever, ever want you again? You know that’s not true.

You have to quiet that misguided inner voice that tells you that you’re not worthy of anyone caring for you; that’s why you’re terrified of this guy leaving. It boils down to your beliefs and feelings about your own self-worth. If you need help to deal with knocking down those limiting beliefs, then do what you need to do to stop thinking like that. It’s the insecurity that drives people away. A partner leaving is not the end of the world. It’s not. He’s just a human being, as well; no need to put him on a pedestal. That’s a mighty uncomfortable place to be and people in those positions end up resenting it.

Also, tell him what you’re feeling, with the caveat that you know it’s irrational and that you’re working on coming to a realistic set of beliefs about your self-worth and your feelings.

So many people have abandonment/worthiness issues, and the thing I’ve had to remember when dealing with my own is that no matter who leaves me, for whatever reason, I still have myself and that I’m a worthy human being because I am.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Partyparty nailed it. I couldn’t phrase it any better. You have to be comfortable in your own skin and work from there. If you love yourself, or maintain your self respect, the rest gets much easier. Be open and honest with your guy as well. Communication is the foundation of a relationship. He may have the same concerns, this soon into a relationship. You’re both figuring out where you’re going. Navigate together.

marinelife's avatar

First, if your anxiety is of a level that it has caused relationship problems in the past, then you could probably use some real professional help. Consider seeing a therapist to deal with this issue.

Second, do you have chronic anxiety? Consider seeing your doctor and getting and SSRI. Or consider taking Calms Forte over the counter to help even you out.

Finally, sit down and write out every one of the nightmare scenarios, and what you would do if they happened. If you face them and make a plan, then you pull their teeth. They can’t frighten you any more with nameless dread.

Also, try to keep your anxiety from spilling into your actual interactions and onto your boyfriend. Focus on the positive present.

deni's avatar

why worry about the bad instead of appreciating the good? you had been looking to meet someone like him for years. just be glad you finally have him! dont worry about the things you know are highly unlikely. its a waste of time.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I love how people always say ‘we have a great relationship’ and then mention something that can undo its very basis. You have to get a grip on yourself (easier said then done, I know) and have a conversation with your current partner so that he’s aware of this tendency of yours. The more honest the both of you are with each other about your flaws, the better it’ll be.

evandad's avatar

If you’re projecting that fear your boyfriend will probably pick up on it. It could do damage to your relationship. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot.

partyparty's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Many thanks. Also, as you said, being open and honest in a relationship is also vital.

Marva's avatar

To have such a fear as him leaving you or something else taking this love away from you, is like saying “I can’t believe this can be the reality for me”. It has to do usually with a low self esteem or a feeling of unworthyness, a feeling that if you finally have this love that you were longing for, something will probably happen now, because it’s “too good to be true”

That’s the part of you that you would want to heal. And the bad news is that if you think this for long enough it will eventually lead to the termination of the relationship somehow.
I agree with @marinelife about counseling. It would really help you, in all your future relationships aswell.

Good luck dear

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