Social Question

chelle21689's avatar

Is it normal to feel jealous when your significant other has a close friend of the opposite sex?

Asked by chelle21689 (6913points) June 10th, 2010

I’m sure many of you have read my past posts before about jealousy. For those who haven’t, I’ve been with my bf 3 years and 2 years long distance. He moved didn’t have friends…and then he joined the Army Reserve and made friends. He had a bunch of guy friends at AIT (training) but they don’t live where he lives…but two girls do.

I’m more so concerned about one particular girl he’s really close with. I’ve met her once and they get a long really well. They are in the same company, unit, they’re going to airborne school, language school, and be deployed together. He hangs out at her house all the time and usually there is some kind of party she is throwing. He is always hanging out with her…he claims it’s completely platonic and that it’d be weird if he dated her and it’s just not like that.

I’m not afraid of him cheating on me…I just hate how super close they are it’s like she’s his 2nd girlfriend. She’s engaged though, her fiance is deployed and when he comes back they’re getting married. I know you’re all thinking “What the hell are you worried about if she’s getting married!?” but it just sucks to see him and his two female friends’ pictures plastered all over Facebook partying and having a good time when I’m not there.

Part of me wonders why is he still with me when he could be with her. They get along so great and have fun…it’d be easier for them to date.

Anyone else have a significant other with a close battle buddy??

edit he also spends the night at her house sometimes…the girl’s fiance knows this. He doesn’t like it but it’s not a big deal to him. My bf stayed the night while he visited anyways..

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57 Answers

CMaz's avatar

“he also spends the night at her house sometimes”

The icing on the cake.

As much as you might think he is. He is not just your boyfriend. Really not my definition of boyfriend at all. He is a BOY FRIEND.

I see no honor or respect in how he is behaving. But, on the other hand. You allow it.

Thammuz's avatar

Normal? Absolutely.

Respectful towards your significant other and his freedom to find happiness, wether you are the provider of said happiness or not? Absolutely no.

My best friend has this same outlook on his relationship and that’s mostly cause of arguments and discontent. It doesn’t really help.

@ChazMaz Not everyone thinks with his dick. I say don’t judge until you have proof of it. Sleeping at someone’s place and sleeping WITH someone are different things.

Likeradar's avatar

Is it normal? Sure. But you get to decide what you do with the feelings.

If he’s going to cheat on you with this girl (or any other girl), you being crazy jealous won’t stop it. You have to decide if you’re with someone whose past behaviors have led you to believe he’s worthy of your trust. If you are, then trust him to make good decisions. If you’re not, break up with him or get used to feeling bad.

The spending the night thing- are we talking crashing on her couch, or planned sleep overs?

lilikoi's avatar

All I can say is this:

I have met and been friends with hundreds of dudes over the years, and I have yet to find one that just wants to be platonic friends.

MrItty's avatar

Yeah, it’s normal, but that doesn’t make it right.

The fact is that you’re NOT there. For you to not want him to be happy, as long as he’s not doing anything wrong, is very rude of you. Should he stay at home by his lonesome simply because his girlfriend doesn’t live nearby?

chelle21689's avatar

Sort of planned sleep overs. She lives near his unit which is 2 hours away from his home. He spends the night there…if it were just the two of them I’d go crazy but she lives with her brother, sister, and parents. If she’s throwing a party he spends the night there. I don’t like it but I trust him that he’s not sleeping with her.

chelle21689's avatar

So you’re saying guys can’t be friends with girls because they want them? But girls can be friends with guys right?

envidula61's avatar

Are you more concerned with what other people think, or are you actually worried about what he’s doing?

Likeradar's avatar

@chelle21689 Would you prefer he just not spend time with members of the opposite sex? Or would you prefer he drive home drunk?

lilikoi's avatar

Well, I’m saying that I’ve never personally experienced 100% platonic friendship from guys. Is it possible? People have told me that it is, and I’d like to believe it, but I’ve never seen it with my own eyes. I have considered many guys purely platonic friends, so I can confirm with absolute certainty that girls can be “just friends” with guys.

zenele's avatar

When Harry met Sally is all I’m gonna say.

chelle21689's avatar

I’m over the spending the night thing. Plain and simple is I don’t like that they hang out ALL the time together and that she’s like his only friend. I don’t see why he can’t make a guy friend in the Army at his unit.

envidula61's avatar

Again, are you worried that she is closer to him than you are, even if it is platonic, or are you worried about what other people will think, since the pictures of the two of them partying are all over facebook? Or both?

brinkofit's avatar

Yes it’s normal. I have a similar problem. The girl I’m going out with has a best friend that’s a guy, he’s also my friend too. He’s pretty cool and really nice. However, he told the girl I’m with he likes her. She assures me that she has already “picked” me but some stuff she does really irritates me. Like she would ask me to an event that I wouldn’t like, but I’d say yes and she’d either make up an excuse or not call me. Later I find out she goes with her friend..Drives me insane.

chelle21689's avatar

I’m not worried about what other people think. I guess I’m jealous that his bond to her is a lot closer than our bond. I’ve known him a lot longer, we’ve been through a lot more in the past for many years…. but everyone keeps saying that the Army bond is really strong and close and that I’d never understand unless I’m in the Army.

I guess I’m jealous that they might have a stronger bond than me and him. Also I think he needs to find some guy friends. He did tell me though that a couple people thought they were hooking up (her dad and her brother’s gf)

Thammuz's avatar

@chelle21689 Of course men want women. It’s the second most basic and domineering instinct in the human species any species! It doesn’t mean he’s gonna cheat on you.

I’ve had plenty of occasions to cheat on my GF, and i never did. It might just be me, but i don’t think being friends with a woman automatically leads to casual sex. I should know, i’ve been friend-zoned so many times i’ve lost count!

As for making male friends, you can’t force people to pick who they feel comfortable with.

chelle21689's avatar

I’ve had plenty of chances to cheat on him but I never cheated. I know I can’t force him to be friends with guys but lol….I just wish his male friends from the Army lived in Los Angeles where he lived. It would’ve made it a hell of a lot easier. At his training he was connected to those three guys and I had no problem with it. It’s been 8 months, I guess if he would’ve left me for her by now it would’ve happened.

Val123's avatar

He seems like a pretty insensitive guy to me. You might stay the night at some other guy’s house and see what he has to say about that.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I think it’s commonplace but no one should remain jealous very long, hopefully the platonic nature of the friendships shows through and all feathers smooth out. Ask your bf if in his mind he’s become so comfortable with their friendship that he’s overlooked you might be a bit put out to see so much of them celebrating time together since you and he are long distance. If he asks if you’re jealous then tell the truth and say yes, of course you are, how could you not be when there’s no way for you to be there having the good times.

It’s the little things that kill. People always say not to sweat the small stuff but I’ve learned pretending the small stuff doesn’t matter just means it piles up in a mental closet until one day it crashes on you and the romance is squashed. Speak your mind and let him speak his so you two know where you stand with each other. Being apart means little things mean a lot and there’s no time like now to make efforts to try to be supportive of each others changing needs because they never go away as time goes by and loving means paying attention and making efforts.

I’m one of those people who believes love doesn’t equal no work, everything just happens right, blah blah

chelle21689's avatar

He knows I’m jealous. I’m dealing with this better than I have at first…after all they’ll be with eachother 5 or more years in the Army. I think I need to get to know his friends better…but it’s hard when you’re far away and in town for a short while.

IBERnineD's avatar

As someone who has a best friend that is male, there have been numerous times I have been approached by his girlfriends over the years, about my intentions. I was happy to inform them that their boyfriend might as well be a ken doll to me. We would have these conversations early in their relationship, and some of his ex’s I am still good friends with, so asking may put any worries at ease.

Now I have also been the long distance girlfriend. When I was in the relationship my boyfriend had a friend that was a girl, they lived near each other, hung out a lot, and were on the same team so constantly spending time together. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t the least irked by the whole thing. Especially since I knew the friend was interested in him romantically. So, I talked to my boyfriend about it. I said, “look I’m not jealous of ‘girl’s name’, I just get upset when she gets to spend so much time with you, when I don’t. And considering she is interested in you it doesn’t help me sleep at night to know that you are over at her house constantly. I trust you, but do you see where I am coming from?” My boyfriend appreciated my honesty, and even revealed to me his jealousy of my guy friend. We didn’t stop hanging out with our friends, we just toned it down a bit, as a way to compromise. I was even able to become friends with the girl he was friends with.

If he knows you’re jealous does he know why? Or did you say you were just jealous? Maybe if you clarify he maybe able to be a little more sensitive to the situation.

ipso's avatar

Ladder Theory clears your quandary up soundly.

Seaofclouds's avatar

It’s about compromise on both parts. I have always had more guy friends than girl friends. I use to go to conventions all the time and would share my room with guys and girls. I’d even end up sleeping in the same bed as my guy friends a lot of the time just because of how things worked out at the end of the night. I never had sex with them. When my husband and I met, I told him all of that. He was fine with all of it except for sharing a bed with another guy, so I started making sure I only shared a bed with my female friends. We still had guys in the room and my husband was fine with it. That was back when we were dating.

If you offer up something that you feel is a compromise, does he seem receptive to trying to compromise to make you feel better about the situation? If not, that is an different issue.

You said “Part of me wonders why is he still with me when he could be with her. They get along so great and have fun…it’d be easier for them to date.”...but he can’t be with her if she is engaged and not interested in him in that way. No matter how well they get along, it doesn’t mean she wants him or he wants her. If you keep telling yourself things like that, it will constantly eat at you and you will just drive yourself crazy with thinking about them being together.

During this time that he’s going out and having fun, what are you doing? Are you sitting home waiting for him to get done and talk to you or are you going out and enjoying yourself to. If you are just sitting home, waiting on him, you need to get out there and do something for yourself. Go out and have some fun too. There’s nothing that says you have to sit at home waiting for him every minute.

chelle21689's avatar

He did make me feel better. Whenever he went to drill or hung out with her he’d always forget his phone. We had a huge argument and now he makes sure to bring his phone and make sure it’s charged. He even gave me her number if his phone happened to die. If he doesn’t pick up I go crazy wondering what they’re doing. He was never good about phones. I just need him to tone it down a bit on spending a lot of time with her. I’m not asking him to stop. I’m just glad they’re not alone hanging out for the most part.

The time difference makes it hard. I’m 3 hours ahead so I’ll be keeping myself busy during the day then night time comes and he’s still having day light hours having a busy day while I’m in bed at night thinking and wondering..I go out on weekends and it helps a lot but he’s always on my mind. I don’t have a lot of friends. I admit I make guy friends so much easier than females but I don’t go around spending a lot of time with them.

deni's avatar

Yes, it’s normal. Just don’t let it take over your relationship and don’t make big deals out of it. If you feel you can really believe him and that he doesn’t want anything with her as more than a friend, then take his word for it and try not to feel bad when you see the pictures. It’s a normal reaction to a situation like that. And I know how you feel. Today I texted my boyfriend (who is currently in NYC) something fairly important and he never responded. So I texted him again 4 hours later or so and he said “sorry, i got distracted chatting with Olivia”....who is his ex girlfriend and who he hooked up with numerous times in college while she had a boyfriend….no it did not make me feel wonderful. And yes my mind wandered, but she has a boyfriend and he has me, and the truth is that I have no reason to distrust him. He has more friends than anyone I know, and a majority of them are girls. But it’s just how he is. And truthfully I CAN’T get mad because most of my friends are guys and I have zero interest in them sexually or romantically and I know he feels the same towards them.

And, like @IBERnineD said, my best friend is male too. The thought of doing anything sexual with him repulses me. It’s like wanting to fuck your brother, it’s unnatural and it just doesn’t happen.

I think it’s hard to learn to totally accept your boyfriend constantly hanging out with chicks when you aren’t there. But…it’s either that or the jealousy is going to ruin the relationship. So you pick.

janedelila's avatar

Sounds to me like he expects you to do all the compromising. I could say all I want to myself that he’s not cheating, there is nothing, jealousy ruins everything etc…but I would feel SO disrespected by the photos “plastered” everywhere. Like, “Look what a great time I’m having! Girlfriend at home? Huh? Gimme another drink!”. I say go with your gut.

envidula61's avatar

It sounds to me like the real issue is that you fear she is actually closer to him than you are. It is true that she spends more time with him. It is true, too, that the army likes to break people down and then rebuild them in a way that they feel they can rely on each other no matter what happens.

You know there’s an issue about gay men in the services. What are people afraid of? I guess it’s that the gay guys will be hitting on their male squadmates or something like that.

This is ridiculous. If you are in the same squad, the last thing you are going to do is fuck each other. That would destroy the team. Then you have a special bond with one person, and your loyalty is to that person, not the squad. That’s death. If your bf allowed that to happen, then he wouldn’t be worth having as a bf. Or anything. It’s unprofessional and dangerous. He would be breaking the agreement that keeps them together. They are a band of brothers (and sisters) and if that relationship is anything other than that, you have got a lot more to be afraid of than whether he is doing her.

Now, as to the relationship. Would you be jealous if he is closer to anyone else in his squad than he is to you? Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know you. The fact is that he will be closer to this group of people—every single one of them—then he will be to you. Are you going to worry about all of them?

You just have to accept that these people will know him intimately in a way that you will never be able to. That’s just the nature of the job he has. It isn’t about you. Ok? You are putting yourself in the middle of something that has nothing to do with you. You are making yourself crazy about this. You can stop it. Perhaps my little explanation will help you feel a little better about it.

I will say it again. This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the nature of army training. If you want to understand it, look up some of those PBS documentaries about it or read a book or something. This relationship is something you’ll never understand. Don’t worry about it. It is not about and never can be about love between spouses. There is love there. There has to be. But it really is brotherly love. Would you come between your bf and his brother? She is his brother, no matter how stupid that sounds.

Scooby's avatar

what do you do when he’s not there for you? who do you party with?? :-/ just curious>>>>>>.

CMaz's avatar

“Not everyone thinks with his dick.”

@Thammuz – It has nothing to do with dick thinking. That came out of your mind.

A boyfriend or Girlfriend for that matter. That is spending time with someone, when they could be spending time with their partner is hinky.

That is NOT or should not be how a relationship works. Epically when (in this case) it is someone of the opposite sex.

And sorry. I do not see it as normal. Want to spend time in the company of “other people”? Your boyfriend wants to spend time with another woman. Then he should be single. Or date this girl.

Sounds like you both have your priorities mixed up. As far relationships go.

Trillian's avatar

@Thammuz Whether or not he is thinking with his dick, it is simply inappropriate. Period. This is stuff that kids in Junior High School do. It stops when one enters grown up respectful relationships. But she will continue to go along with this “relationship”, knowing underneath that something isn’t quite right, and will continue to fill our days with questions to which she already knows the answer. Follow back to her page and browse some of her previous questions. Yawn….

Likeradar's avatar

@Trillian Isn’t being jealous of your partner’s friends when they live far away from you also something best left to kids in Jr High?

zenele's avatar

@ipso I liked the ladder theory very much. I read the first three pages and got the joke (truth).

Question: any point in reading it through to the end, and, what are the pop-ups on each page that my pop up killer zaps each time? Are they necessary for the “experience” or just ads?

Thanks

ipso's avatar

Nah. – the original Ladder Theory page was much more edgy as I remember it; with a kind of terse ambient irony. You didn’t know if you were coming or going. The new url is a facsimile and completely misses that “raw page-turner” quality. It takes itself too seriously (kind of like me at times).

The new site is still good, and completely relevant to the OP, but not great like the original was – imho.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@ChazMaz They are long distance, so it’s not that he is spending time with his friend when he could be spending it with his girlfriend. He can’t spend it with his girlfriend, so he is spending it with his friends, just like she would be spending more time with her friends than her boyfriend due to their situation.

@chelle21689, you said he has made you feel better by making some adjustments to his habits in the past (like the phone thing), what does he say now when you talk to him about how you feel? Have you asked him to spend less time with this female?

Thammuz's avatar

@ChazMaz A boyfriend or Girlfriend for that matter. That is spending time with someone, when they could be spending time with their partner is hinky.
Which is not the case.

Ordinarily i’d agree, mind you. In a normal situation wanting to spend time with another female friend rather than your girlfriend is odd, mainly because, the way i see it, one should want to see his girlfriend rather than anyone else. What you fail to take into account is that they live quite far away from eachother, and the time he spends with his friend is not time that he could otherwise spend with his GF.

@Trillian You say this stuff belongs in junior high and should end when respectful relationships start. I say that a respectful relationship entails trust, expecially when in a long distance relationship. If he had somethig to hide he wouldn’t have told her about his friend and how he often stays at her place etc.

Furthermore demanding that he not see one which appears to be his best friend just because she’s jealous makes me wonder wether a long distance relationship is really a good idea. A person that can’t handle the fact that her BF has a female best friend with which he spends the time he couldn’t spend with her anyway is probably not suited for this kind of relationship.

chelle21689's avatar

Ugh best friend? lol. I know she’s a good friend because when no one would take me to the airport in the early morning she said she could. She, me, and my bf hung out and I admit that when I saw them interacting with eachother I got extremely jealous. I closed them out but later opened up. I don’t know if this helps but my bf tried to make me feel included and make me feel better by showing me affection in front of her.

You’re right about me not understanding the whole army thing. It’s just why can’t it be a bunch of guys to be friends with there? Eh whatever, he claims because it’s Army he doesn’t see her that way and it’d be really weird.

Thammuz's avatar

@chelle21689 It’s just why can’t it be a bunch of guys to be friends with there?

If the italian army is any indication it’s because soldiers are mainly fucking retards.

CMaz's avatar

“They are long distance, so it’s not that he is spending time with his friend when he could be spending it with his girlfriend.”

@Seaofclouds , @Thammuz – It’s called sacrifice. Builds character and strengthens a relationship. If he needs “that type” of companionship. He needs to be single. Until it is “convenient”.

Otherwise he is just jerking her around. And, she is allowing it.

Thammuz's avatar

@ChazMaz “that type” of companionship.
You do realize how moronic that statement is, right? You’re equating friendship, albeit with a female friend, to being in a relationship. If that was the case, i’d be fucking Hugh Hefner, for fuck’s sake!

It’s not like he’s fucking her each other night, get a little perspective, for crying out loud!

CMaz's avatar

@Thammuz “Do you realize how moronic that statement is”
You do realize how moronic THAT statement is, right?

“You’re equating friendship, albeit with a female friend, to being in a relationship.”
I think you need to start to read the posts over again. I made it very clear what I mean.

“It’s not like he’s fucking her each other night, get a little perspective”
I think you need to actually read what you have wrote, use some of that perspective yourself. Are you hanging out with those two?
How do you know if they are fucking or not? Don’t let your insecurities and/or personal issues sway yourself.

For crying out loud. lol

chelle21689's avatar

I trust my boyfriend to not do that to me. He could easily cheat anyways if he didn’t spend the night at her house. It’s uncomfortable but I’ve known him for many years and honestly I don’t want to break up with him because I’m jealous.

CMaz's avatar

“I trust my boyfriend to not do that to me.”

If you TRULY feel that way. Then your question is a moot point.

chelle21689's avatar

It’s not about him sleeping with other people. It’s just how much time he’s spending hanging out with her I think is inappropriate.

CMaz's avatar

“t’s just how much time he’s spending hanging out with her I think is inappropriate.”

Inappropriate has to have cause. To be inappropriate, and “inappropriate” behavior potentially leading unacceptable risk.

Risk of what? And, why should you put yourself in that area of risk?

“It’s not about him sleeping with other people.” Well, that risk is there.

Thammuz's avatar

@ChazMaz How do you know if they are fucking or not?

I could ask you the same thing. The problem is that i go with innocent until proven guilty, while you’re acting like Robespierre.

I don’t know if he’s fucking her or not, but it hardly seems constructive to assume it from the start, railroading the question into a brick wall. If we automatically assume he’s cheating on her then what’s the point of the question?

As for the part where you made it “very clear” I still don’t see how the fact that your arbitrary definition of “boyfriend” as opposed to “boy friend” doesn’t match his behaviour has any bearing on the matter.

As for “That is NOT or should not be how a relationship works.”
Then there should never be a long distance relationship. Why would it be wrong for someone who wants to spend time with a friend when he’s unable to be with his girlfriend to do so?

And “Your boyfriend wants to spend time with another woman.” (emphasis mine)
What the fuck does this have to do with anything? So if he was bisexual he’d have to be a hermit? You can’t hang out with someone you’re potentially attracted to unless you have a leash or a shock collar on? What the fuck is the problem if he wants to hang out with another woman? He can’t hang out with her!

If he started hanging out with his friend while being perfectly capable of seeing her, i’d agree that’s not a behaviour that holds a relationship together, but they’re miles apart and he’s in the army, for fuck’s sake! It’s hardly a matter of picking one over the other when one is not capable of picking one of the two options.

And last but not least: “I see no honor or respect in how he is behaving.”
I will refrain from jokes on how medieval / yakuza / italian mobster this phrase sounds and jump straight to the point. I was in doubt wether to just whip my “so what?” stamp or to elaborate, i prefer to elaborate because this is a point worth exploring.

You say you see no “honour” in his behaviour. I hardly see any point in debating a concept that mainly relates to personal responsability and trustworthiness when you still have no reason to think he has actually done anything wrong except for some preconcieved suspiciousness from your end.

As for the respect part, i could as easily say that suspecting him of cheating, and being uncomfortable at the fact that he has a female friend out of jealousy, isn’t much of a respectful behaviour either. If she respected him he’d trust him.

I’m not jealous of my girlfriend, i trust her and know her enough to know she wouldn’t cheat on me. If she staied at a friend’s place i’d be more concerned about attempted rape rather than cheating.

The point being that if she respects him, she’ll trust him. Wether he respects her or not lies in wether or not he fucked his friend, and that we still don’t know. And jumping to the worst case scenario isn’t gonna help.

CMaz's avatar

“I could ask you the same thing.” “The problem is that i go with innocent until proven guilty, ”

Nothing I said had any reference to there being fucking. I said hinky. That was about it.
You and some others have this concern to bring it up.

“Then there should never be a long distance relationship.”
You look but you don’t see. Honestly, not if the other is spending all their time with a partner substute.

“So if he was bisexual he’d have to be a hermit?”
If he was bisexual, the question would me misrepresentative.

“you still have no reason to think he has actually done anything wrong except for some preconcieved suspiciousness from your end.” Not my end, your end.

No preconception here. How old are you?

“I’m not jealous of my girlfriend, i trust her and know her enough to know she wouldn’t cheat on me.”
Ah, now I get it. This is personal. There is that issue thing coming to the surface.

“And jumping to the worst case scenario isn’t gonna help.”
I think we should have a picnic on the middle of the highway. No reason to believe a truck will run us over, that being the worse case scenario.

Apparently you are just on a roll, and you have plenty to learn about life…
Hope you got it out of your system. ;-)

chelle21689's avatar

I have a feeling Chaz is single…lol or has a hard time keeping a relationship if he doesn’t trust his wife/gf at all.

Thammuz's avatar

@ChazMaz DIctionary definition of Hinky: Suspicious. And you’re the guy that said “Inappropriate has to have cause.” So does suspicion. You’re implying the problem of cheating without saying so. Don’t pretend you’re thinking anything different from us.

Honestly, not if the other is spending all their time with a partner substute.
Now, this might be my definition, but to me best friend + sex + desire to keep the partner in your life = relationship.

And even assuming she’s a surrogate, what’s wrong with that? If anything, it’s disrespectful towards the surrogate, rather than her.

If he was bisexual, the question would me misrepresentative.
What i’m saying is that the way you put it, specifying he’s spending time with another woman, rather than with anybody else, it seems that the problem lies within the fact that the friend’s a woman. Thus the question: If the question happend to concern a bisexual forming a strong bond with someone of a sex different from his partner’s would it still be a problem? -> Would a bisexual have to be a hermit when away from his present partner in order to avoid possible attraction to anybody else?

Not my end, your end. No preconception here. How old are you?
You’re the one who defined the behaviour to be “hinky”, unless you meant some obscure meaning of the word hinky means suspicious. Moving on.

Ah, now I get it. This is personal. There is that issue thing coming to the surface.
Keep your two cents to yourself, if i want your opinion on why i’m debating i’ll ask you for it.
I made a counterexample, regarding the correlation between jealousy and respect. I was jealous at the beginning, but then i realized that being jealous implies i don’t trust her and forced myself to get over it. That’s all.

By the way, if you want to play shrink, i could say all sorts of interesting things about you denying the fact you’ve been talking about cheating the whole time, while saying he should be dating this other person, only because he’s spending time with her when he can’t spend it with his present girlfriend; as if wanting to spend time with someone automatically led to romantic feelings and a relationship (with everything it entails). If that was the case i’d have a harem by now.

I think we should have a picnic on the middle of the highway. No reason to believe a truck will run us over, that being the worse case scenario.
What a bullshit simile. This simile would work if the one suggesting that had the power to deviate trucks with his mind. Again, you’re treating cheating as a virtual inevitability, as something that will surely happen given enough time, which is a bias on your part that i don’t happen to share. If that was the case, again, i’d have Hugh Hefner’s sex life.

Apparently you are just on a roll, and you have plenty to learn about life…
You can spare the patronising bullshit, thank you very much. I happen to value an argument because of its own merits and not because the one who is suggesting it is older than i am. You could be methuselah and still be wrong.

I perfectly know that not everybody is trustworthy and that in many, let’s even say most, cases this situation would lead to cheating. It’s still unfair on the boyfriend to assume he’s a cheating prick without any actual proof, expecially considering he seems to be making at least SOME effort to compromise. This nonwithstanding any opinion.

You don’t condemn people on a potential crime, if that was the case we’d have to put in jail every person who buys a weapon, because they’ll use it to rob someone, rather than for self defense.

CMaz's avatar

@Thammuz – Thanks for the Dictionary definition of Hinky.

I will make sure to use the word fuck from now on instead of suspicious. Look that is very fuckious. Hmmm, I like that.

“Don’t pretend you’re thinking anything different from us.”
Actually I am, you needing to grow up, get back to me in 15 years. :-) bullshit simile

But I have to say… Your imagination sure does run wild. You make a lot of good points.

So you have brought up fucking, cheating, bias, patronizing, Methuselah. “he’s a cheating prick” lol That’s it, get it out.
I do like that you admit that “not everybody is trustworthy and that in many, let’s even say most, cases this situation would lead to cheating.”
Do you even listen to yourself? :-) another bullshit simile

“You don’t condemn people on a potential crime,”
Dude, she asked a question. I gave an answer.

This is not a court of law. You have some advice to give her. Go for it.
Everything else you have been going on about is irrelevant to the question. Nothing more then a Hugh Hefner rant. THAT being disrespectful to Mr. Hefner.

;-) bullshit wink

Thammuz's avatar

@ChazMaz Ok, i’m done.

You know perfectly well that saying someone is suspicious means he’s, in your opinion, probably going to do something he’s not supposed to.

What is the “thing” in this case? Cheating. Or leaving her for his friend, as if it made any difference from a practical standpoint. Again, don’t pretend like that’s not the point, if you thought the relationship wasn’t in any danger there wouldn’t be a reason to speak out against his behaviour.

Actually I am
Then enlighten us oh great master of non-explainations.

Dude, she asked a question. I gave an answer.
Ad i said i think your answer is wrong and misleading.

Now that we got the recap out of the way can we move on to the point where you actually reply to my points with an explaination, instead of behaving like a moron who thinks he’s so much better than his opponent in virtue of he being older and, for some unexplained, and certainly not quite visible, reason, wiser?

Everything else you have been going on about is irrelevant to the question.
Actually no, it is relevant. I think your advice is wrong and potentially harmful to their relationship. I’m not arguing to convince you, i’m arguing to prove my point to her. I think it’s obvious to anyone who’s something more than a casual debater, that there’s a better chance to find a white fly in your oatmeal before accidentally swollowing it, than to convince an opponent in a debate that he’s wrong.

And i honestly don’t care. Believe it or not, i’m seriously concerned that suspicion and jealousy might ruin her relationship and i’m trying to push her to do her part not to endanger the realtionship.

I’m not saying he shouldn’t do something to make it easier for her as well, all i’m saying is that she shouldn’t let jealousy get in the way of rationality and while his behaviour might be suspicious, as you said, suspicion doesn’t automatically imply guilt.

That said, since you apparently have no intention of taking this thing seriously, and actually replying to any of my points with something other than snark and condescension, while trying to show off your, rather lacking, pop-psychologist skills, i’m done.

Peace.

CMaz's avatar

“saying someone is suspicious means he’s, in your opinion, probably going to do something he’s not supposed to.”
Your words not mine.

“Then enlighten us oh great master of non-explainations.”
Already did, I leave the ranting to you.

“Ad(and) i said i think your answer is wrong and misleading.”
More the reason you need to grow up a bit more.

“concerned that suspicion and jealousy might ruin her relationship and i’m trying to push her to do her part not to endanger the realtionship.”
Sounds like a personal problem.

“since you apparently have no intention of taking this thing seriously,”
Another personal problem. Do you expect me to continue to provide logic (and life experience) to a douche?

“snark and condescension”
Again, your issues are showing. Nothing to do with the question.

“Peace”
I hope you find some. :-)

And, I will give you the last word.

Thammuz's avatar

@ChazMaz “Your words not mine.”

Just a heads up: that’s the first definition. You should have specified otherwise if that’s not what you meant.

But then again, it’s all just me, right? it’s not like language is meant to convey a specific meaning, depending on the words one uses and YOU used THAT term.

@chelle21689 I’ve stopped following the debate from this post onwards.

My final advice is this: It’s comprehensible that you might worry about this situation, I agree this is surely not a standard situation in a relationship, at least in a short-distance one. All i’m saying is that despite the fact that worrying is perfectly normal you shouldn’t let it cloud your better judgement. If he cheats on you, dump him, but don’t let the fear he might do so push you in a counterprouctive direction.

You can contact me on my profile if you want to.

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
lovable's avatar

It is normal to be jealous of her. It’s just that you don’t want to loose your guy that’s it but I must say it is not a good thing to be jealous. The more you get jealous, the more you stress. The more you stress the more chances of depression can occur and worsen . Then you will just start having major jealous issues and that would bring your relationship even more down hill. So I say just calm down, try to restrain yourself from thinking anything negative. You have to give your full trust to your partner in order to make the relationship survive. It will be hard to try and not think negative but you have to try with all your heart.

germanmannn's avatar

@lovable thats good if you want your heart riped out,thats not the way i would handle it at all.

kiramaria's avatar

First off everyone stop helping this chica she has gone to about four other site asking this same damn question and she wants us to agree that the time her bubby and the female soldier in question is spending to much time with each other and that we should say that her bubby is SO wrong. Listen im a soldier in the army and guess what I have guy friends in the army and even marines yes we bond with each and I can tell you if your this damn jealous I can tell you his unit probbaly knows this. I can tell you they bond so much with each other and they talk about each others personals lives and I can tell your story sounds like the typical insecure girlfriend who thinks he will cheat even though I quote” I trust him not to hurt me” You know how many of the guys tell the guys to drop the girl because they are being to much of a headache. Im not trying to bash you really but you need to grow up because you being upset and nagging him will lead to two things 1. he will cheat on you 2. he will dump you because he doesnt want to deal with it. So let me give you advice get some counseling, hang with some friends. Also, I want to say my fiance is in the military hes was in Signal now he trying to go into Special Forces and he works with lots of women six of them are smart young women who I hang out with and even went to the spas to have a relaxing day after a week in the field. My fiance thinks of the these women as friends and they hang out with them all the time and they deployed with each other and I couldnt ask for any other soldiers to be with my future husband. Then their was a time I had to go to fort lewis and my husband spent the night with one of the female friends because the unit had a huge party . ALL I CAN SAY is TRUST YOUR Damn boyfriend because I can say most guys in the military want a secure confident woman not a female who is nagging and insecure thats all I have to say.

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