General Question

HGl3ee's avatar

There is a good chance that my SO and I are pregnant. Can anyone answer some questions for me before we head to the doctor?

Asked by HGl3ee (3955points) June 17th, 2010

Okay, if you’re reading this then right off the start I want to say Thank You.

I have the tell-tale signs of being pregnant. My period is two+ weeks late, I am constantly nauseous from the time I get up in the morning to when I finally fall asleep. (It has been very unpleasant!) My breasts are very tender, nipples swollen, and constipation along with frequent urination.

Now, I know that as much as it seems like a pregnancy it could very well not be, so my SO and I are going to head to the doctor’s tonight to have it confirmed one way or another.

I’m sitting here at work and my mind is going a mile a minute. I know that asking doctor related questions on the internet is pretty silly, but I guess since I can’t think of anything else but this possibility, I will ask a few questions I have to you all.

Personal experience answers are more than welcome!

I have talked with my SO and as it stands we are unsure if we will keep the baby. (I’m going to basically type as if I know I’m pregnant, it will just be easier..) The idea of abortion is hard for us both. We love one another very much and without a doubt want to get married and have a family one day. Thinking about losing our first baby together is heart-wrenching. However, in saying all of that, we are just not ready. I’ll be 22 in August and I feel that there is so much I have yet to do in my life. That in no way justifies NOT having a baby, but there are other factors also.

Financially, we are not in a place to start a family. We are old fashioned in that there is an order to things, marriage, being a young married couple, then children. I guess one never is truly ready to take on the responsibilities of having a baby.

We do consider the option of keeping this baby, raising him/her and diving into the world of parenthood.

Being that this is an unplanned pregnancy there are some concerns to the health of the baby. This is where my questions come in..

I rarely drink, and by rarely I mean about once a month that amounts to a glass of wine. This past Sunday I did just that and had a glass of wine. If I’m pregnant there is no way on Earth I would ever drink, but because it was unknown and I was unaware I’m worried that if we choose to carry the baby to full term it may have defects because of the glass of wine.

Also, I smoke marijuana every night directly before I go to bed. Now, I’m not a “pothead” or a “chronic” where I’m always stoned. It is strictly medicinal and is used in a way to only help me sleep. I suffer from night terrors and an “over-active” imagination. Sleeping pills made me feel like garbage where as with the weed I wake up feeling great and rested. Again, if I knew I was pregnant all drinking and smoking pot would cease. I would never intentionally put my baby in harms way.

So, my question is, basically, that if I’m 2–3 weeks pregnant have drank once and had a small amount of pot each night how likely would it be that the baby has been harmed?

Any and all other information, ideas, suggestions or just words of wisdom are more than welcome :)

Thanks for reading my long question and for taking the time to write your response. I’m looking forward to reading it all!

Much lurve,

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79 Answers

YARNLADY's avatar

The most important thing you have to know is tell your doctor everything and follow his instructions. Do not be afraid or embarrassed to tell him, your baby’s well being depends on you being honest about everything.

janbb's avatar

I don’t believe the one drink or the pot would harm the baby; many of us who gave birth some years ago drank moderately during pregnancy. You can discuss it with your doctor but I don’t think I would worry too much about that aspect.

bellusfemina's avatar

Hey girl

First of all, congrats on being pregnant! I’ve been trying for a while now to have my own. My sister is 21, and she was faced with the same delimma that it sounds like you are going through. She wasn’t ready, didn’t have any money to raise a baby, and on top of that she was used to having her freedom- smoking drinking etc. Once she got over the initial shock of being pregnant- crying screaming and upset- she has accepted it, and is now SOOOO excited to have this baby! She is due in about a week. Please just think before you have an abortion. This could potentially haunt you for the rest of your life. Whenever you see a newborn, you will wonder “what if”....

Also as far as finances, there are so many programs out there available to you! Medical, assitance with food etc.

As far as drinking, the baby will not be harmed yet since it is still so early. You will want to discuss this with your doctor, but women are allowed to have a glass of wine a day (small 8 oz) while they are pregnant. So you wouldn’t even have to give that up!

As far as smoking weed, I’m not really sure what impact that would have on the baby. None yet for sure, but throughout the entire pregnancy you might want to research this.

Let me know how it goes! Good luck.

Seaofclouds's avatar

There really is no way to know for sure what affects the alcohol and marijuana will have on the baby. It differs from person to person. Some women can drink and smoke a lot and have a perfectly healthy baby while someone that only did it a little could have a baby with health problems related to it. I’m not saying this to scare you, just letting you know that while it’s unlikely that the little bit of wine you had and the marijuana would cause harm, there is a slight possibility that it could. The best thing to do is talk to your doctor about it.

Nullo's avatar

If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of an abortion now, you probably won’t be happier afterwards. My advice there is to go through with the pregnancy.

I would recommend that you lay off the drugs in any case, but especially now. Effects of the drugs aside, you’re getting less oxygen per breath when you smoke than when you don’t. And oxygen is kinda important. :D

Congratulations, and best of luck to you!

puckbunny's avatar

I was 20 when I first got pregnant. It was unplanned and very scary. I had so many plans for my life and having a child was going to throw all those plans off track. I was in college working on my associates degree at the time. I thought about an abortion many times. but after some thought about abortion I decided to keep the baby. (I was not married at the time. And four years later am still not married.) Yes having a baby will change your life drastically. If you decide to have the baby you will find a way to still do some of things that you always wanted to do. I was able to finish two college degrees while working full time and taking care of my son. I’m not saying that it was easy but I still accomplished my dreams.

On the note of drinking and smoking.

Before I knew I was pregnantI drank tequila. After I found out that I was pregnant my drinking stopped. It did not hurt my son in anyway. As far as smoking goes if you are pregnant I would talk to your doctor and tell him or her about your terrors and see what they suggest in place of the pot. Normally doctors do not want you to take any types of pills or smoke while you are pregnant.

Take it for what it is. Having a child is not the end of the world it is the start of a new one. And truthfully only you and you SO can make the decision on whether to keep the baby or not. Abortion is not the only option available.

Good luck to you and SO in whatever decision you make.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Dear LB:

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Yes it will change your life and yes, parenting can be the most rewarding and challenging thing you will ever do. I hope you find it possible to continue your pregnancy in good health. I will not impose my opinions on any of your options because they are your options and choices, not mine.

As others have pointed out, there is help available to help you and your SO to cope with the impact of having a new family member.

From what I know from my two decades as a research associate in medical genetics is that it is most likely that your alcohol and pot use to date has not done any harm.

Smoking anything during pregnancy is generally to be avoided.
The effects of marijuana of developing foetuses (fetuses) has not been as widely studied but smoke inhalation lowers your blood oxygen and that is bad for your baby. You can do without it during your pregnancy and you will be glad you did!

I wish you the best and I encourage you to decide what is really best for you not just now, but in the long run as well.

Dr. Lawrence

Response moderated (Off-Topic)
HGl3ee's avatar

@YARNLADY : I agree 100%; I firmly believe that while a woman is pregnant she needs to basically set herself aside. Everything she does needs to be for the baby, smoking, drinking and other potentially harmful activities should completely vanish from her life. Being a Mother is a lifetime commitment and should never ever be taken lightly.

@janbb : We will be talking to the doctor but I sure hope you are right :)

@bellusfemina : That is my concern.. the “what if”.. makes me want to cry just thinking about it :( I was not aware of the financial aid possiblities, I have actually found a centre in the city where I live that helps parents with unplanned pregnancies figure it all out. I want to prepare for all the options that face us right now. It’s so amazing how strong my SO and I are together :) I also want to wish your sister all the best of luck on her journey of motherhood !!! and i would like to also send all the luck in the world to you in hopes you conceive and have a beautiful healthy baby :)

@Seaofclouds : We are going to talk to a doctor tonight :)

@Nullo : Thank you and I agree 100%, I need to find an alternative to the pot and you’re right, I’m not happy with the idea of aborting our baby… they are a tiny part of us both.. might look like a booger right now.. but it’s OUR booger <3

@puckbunny : Thank you so much for sharing your experience. The biggest thing right now for us is that if my actions have harmed the baby in any way we would never want to go thorough with the pergnancy, it would be unfair to have a child who had defects due to my lifestyle choices. However, in saying that, if we had a pregnancy where it was planned we took all the proper steps to keep the baby healthy and it was born with a defect we would in no way abandon it, it would be what was meant to happen. Just trying to say that a baby with a birth defect deserves just as much love as any other baby. But if I knew that something I did was the cause… I couldn’t live with myself..

@Dr_Lawrence : Thank you for your fantastic response! It honestly made me cry; I would honestly love to keep this baby. the more I think about it.. the more I could never go through with an abortion. Two decades of study are a pretty solid back up in that the baby has not been harmed, thank you for making me smile sooo BIG :D

@Nullo : You are so right! I’m very happy I asked, I have nothing to lose and Dr_Lawrence’s response has lifted my spirits <3

@Everyone : Thank you all for all your support, words of wisdom and encouragement and just the all around good-feelings. I feel stronger, even now, about the idea of keeping this baby; we can handle this :)

janbb's avatar

It’s a saying from an advertisement but it’s so true – “A baby changes everything.” Good luck to you in whatever you choose and keep us posted!

HGl3ee's avatar

@janbb : Thank you and it is so true! I will be sure to keep you all posted in whatever happens :) Thank you so much for the support <3

Merriment's avatar

The things your body and nature to do protect a developing baby are nothing short of miraculous. I sincerely doubt that the level of consumption you describe has had any lasting impact on the developing fetus.

Now on to tougher issues.

Firstly, I am a great believer in premarital sex….however, while it is understandable that in a perfect old-fashioned scenario you would have done things in the “correct” order that is a scenario you run the risk of having to abandon when you are sexually active before you are the young married couple. So, not having this event happen “the way you would have liked” is really secondary to the “this is the way it is” of it all.

As for being ready, I don’t think any of us parents is ever truly ready for our first child. How can you be? There is absolutely no way, short of experiencing it for yourself, to understand the full scope of the job/adventure you have just signed up for.

Having said that,it is a life altering event and at 22 I can well understand your fears about not being ready. You do have many more things to experience. And having a child won’t take all of that away from you, but it will take some things away and it will make many others more complicated.

Then there is the child. The best thing a child can have is people who are ready willing and able to make the sacrifices necessary for their well-being. If you honestly can’t see yourselves as up for this task I think that abortion is an option for a very good reason.

Above all a child shouldn’t pay for his mistaken conception.

I have learned from my life that things don’t have to look like the picture we carry around in our heads to be perfect and sometimes the unexpected is what makes your life…your life.

I wish you the best.

redone's avatar

Congratulations! That is just wonderful! Don’t be afraid. I’m 44 and a bit past safe child bearing time. I will never have my own child or pass on my red hair. I am the only one in my family who has it, the youngest of 5 siblings. I inherited through my grandfather, who I never met, who had sisters with this shade. I found out through his daughter from his third wife, my step auntie or auntie in law or half auntie, so to speak. I have the original S… red, and it will die with me. No one else has it. I’m so sad I didn’t have a child at an early age. I really think you will do well. You have a teriffic outlook and you are not totally alone. Even if you were, it’s still possible to raise your child and be happy. I have a close friend who had her first when she was 16, emancipated. She’s two years younger than me, has three children and now a grandma for the second time, still beautiful and young at heart. Your child will be there for you when you are older and will enrich your life so much. Your child will love you back. Take care and enjoy. This is a happy time and you are so lucky.

Coloma's avatar

Don’t stress my darling…I did all of those things before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter back in the late 80’s ( she is 22, now,)

I stopped everything as soon as I knew I was pregnant, and she was a very healthy 8.4 baby. ( Oooh yeah…haha )

One moment at a time, and don’t count your chickie before it is hatched. lol

I would not even mention the moderate pot smoking to your doctor..the odds of that affecting your child are extremly small, if at all.

If you are pregnant and do choose to keep the baby, just go forward from this day on.

My mother drank and smoked like almost all partying parents back in the late 50’s early 60’s before ‘they’ knew how bad it was you. Here I am at 50…none the worse. It’s all good…don’t buy into the fear factors…and good luck to you!

jazmina88's avatar

wine wont hurt and my pal smoked and has the most brilliant rebellious beautiful teennager.

Seek's avatar

I’m pretty sure I’m a drink and drugs baby. I’m definitely a nicotine baby. And I turned out just fine – barring post-birth influences. ^_^

Everything else has been thoroughly covered, I just wanted to add that having a baby is not the end of your life – socially, educationally, or otherwise – unless you make it so. Heck, I have more of a social life now than I ever have. My son is a minor celebrity in the local music scene, as he comes with me to every concert I attend. He is so much fun to have around (starting mosh pits at 14 months old, etc.) I wouldn’t dream of staying at home or leaving him with a babysitter!

Coloma's avatar


Yes….it’s all in one’s attitude.

My daughter was a baby Deadhead back in the late 80’s….had her tye dyed tees and beanie hats and glow sticks…lol

Took her wine tasting at 6 weeks old ( designated driver of course )

Hung out in her carseat while mama enjoyed the post partum grape! haha

MarthaStewart's avatar

Relax. Having kids is not nearly such a big deal as some people claim and your life doesn’t stop then. Yes, you spend more on diapers but that’s just a phase.
You had a glass of wine and some pot, it’s not ideal, but what is? If you were depressed and on prozac, that would be in your baby’s bloodstream, as would any other medicine you happen to be on. Pot and alcohol are among the more HARMLESS of all drugs currently available, which doesn’t mean you should have them if you can avoid them, just that you don’t need to think about killing your baby just because he/she was exposed a little bit to them.
Try to think positively… how can our little family have the best life possible in the coming years? and you’ll make the right decisions.

SundayKittens's avatar

Everything I was going to say has been covered!
Do some deep thinking, inside yourself and about your life…see what you come up with. If you believe in a higher power, mediate or pray about it. Just know that whatever you decide, do not regret it! It was what you felt was best.
Keep us updated!!

janedelila's avatar

Please please please don’t consider abortion! There are SO many people who cry every night because they cannot have children….Even I would take the baby and not expect a penny from you. And still let you be the mama. There are thousands like me. Even if you feel you can’t do it yourself, we are all surprised at our strength when we are forced to face it.

Coloma's avatar


I agree with what you say, but..I don’t think it is appropriate for us to lay any trips on this young woman.

What she chooses to do or not do is entirely her decision and there is no right or wrong IMO.

I chose to have an abortion as a young woman, not in a solid relationship.

It sucked, was very painful emotionally, but…I couldn’t bear to give up a child and never know of it’s destiny.

That was my choice at the time and I harbor no regrets.

This girl has plenty to take into consideration and I think we should not attempt to influence her in any direction other than what will be the most loving and well thought out choice she is able to make at this time for all parties involved.

She is not asking us for our views on termination and I, for one, would not even wish to participate in such a deeply private and personal decision. :-)

envidula61's avatar

Humans traditionally have had babies at much younger ages than we do now (younger than 22, too). Our bodies are best prepared to handle the stress at younger ages than most people have babies. If you have a kid when you are young, then by the time you are in your 40s, they’ll be out of the house and you’ll be young enough to really enjoy a lot of physical things, and you’ll have the resources to do that.

I’m 53 and my oldest is 4 years away from college. I’ll be 61 by the time my youngest is out, and that depends on everything running perfectly. If my daughter waits until the age I was when I had her, I’ll be 80 (I should be so lucky) by the time I have grandkids. The numbers are in favor of having kids young, even though it seems tough. In fact, I’d be willing to support my children if they decide to have children at a young age. I don’t want to miss having grandchildren. Most people are already grandparents at my age.

There are a lot of scare tactics to make people feel like having a baby ruins your life. It can make it a bit harder financially, but it does not ruin your life. And you can pick up the things you had to put down later on. You can still get an education and be a mother. That’s the most important thing. Do not give up on education. It will be harder to handle school and a kid, but people do it all the time. Some do school, kid and work full time! Don’t ask me how.

If you have an abortion you’ll always wonder. It’ll be worse if you become infertile later on. Many people do regret it later. Of course, others don’t. My son had a twin who was “reduced” because my wife knew she couldn’t handle twins. Given what happened after, she was probably right. Unless, of course, the guilt of the reduction caused what happened after. She has not been the happy, energetic person she used to be since then. That’s just one case, so it doesn’t mean anything in terms of what you might experience. It’s just a story. It’s not a story I would wish on anyone, though.

lynfromnm's avatar

About 40 years ago I had an abortion. I was a teenager at the time. My parents urged me to have the abortion but of course I was the one who ultimately made that decision. I think it was the right thing to do at the time, but I have to tell you, I have had regrets for 40 years. I wish I had decided to give birth and allow the child to be adopted. That said, I remain a strong advocate of pro-choice.

You’re right when you say that you aren’t really ever ready for parenthood. Regardless, there is no greater joy, and no greater love. People have been raising kids on minimum wage incomes for a long, long time. You find ways to give your child the love and the opportunities they need without sacrificing your own dreams. Parents have been doing that for more generations than you can even imagine.

Whatever you and your s/o decide, best wishes to you both.

Val123's avatar

My only question is, how long have you and your SO been together? You guys have discussed marriage, firmly believe you want to be together forever—and this may be the first test of many, many hard tests within a marriage, where the final decision you guys make together may not necessarily the easiest or most convenient one, but the right one none-the-less.

Your baby hasn’t been hurt by your minute alcohol or not-so-minute grass intake at this point, but I believe that you will stop both (especially the marijuana since you do it so much more often, (re, @Rarebear‘s post) like, now. That could be another test.

Not everything in life happens when it’s the most convenient, but we humans always find a way to deal with it.

Good luck guys….

Rarebear's avatar

Don’t let the pro-lifers talk you out of an abortion if you want it. It’s your body, you make the decision.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Given all that you say, I don’t think anything you’ve done will harm the baby. As for whether or not you should keep it, you’ll know better once you know for sure that you’re pregnant. Sometimes, logic runs out of the window once you know for sure you’re carrying your first child inside you. Listen to your gut – if your gut is saying ‘yes’ to the baby, you will make it work, nothing will matter. If your gut feels anxious, abortion will not be easy but there is no issue with it, you will be pregnant again. Good luck. If it were me, I’d keep it but I’m a bit nuts when it comes to the baby department.

janedelila's avatar

@Rarebear I am leaving this alone after this, but it’s not just her body. Plus, you ever deal with a woman having nightmares of murdering her own child years after? Goodbye on this one.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@janedelila Not every woman handles it the same, and you shouldn’t assume that it’s so. This is not the time or place for comments like that. She’s already having a hard time. If she wants more opinions, give them. Until then, drop it.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@janedelila That was passive-aggressive bs and I’m flagging it

Coloma's avatar


Being pro-choice does not mean being pro-murder.

This is a sensitive subject for any caring person regardless of hardcore beliefs.

And, I’m sorry…but…what another chooses to do with their life and body is nobody else’s biz. except their own.

Telling others how they should be and what they should do is co-dependant as hell, only thing worse is heaping on the guilt trips….dysfunction with a cherry on top.

I am sorry this situation has triggered you.

Rarebear's avatar

@janedelila “Plus, you ever deal with a woman having nightmares of murdering her own child years after?” The premise of your question is flawed. Have I dealt with women who have had abortions? Many. Have any had nightmares? None. They all stood by their decisions without regrets.

Pandora's avatar

As far as the pot is concerned that may not be a problem because you are very early in the pregnancy. I found this link that may help put your mind at ease. link Please read it all the way through. And until you know for sure, stop all drinking and drugs. The wine you said was very little so I don’t think it would be a problem either.
As for aborting because of monetary concerns I don’t think you should worry there either. My husband and I were completely flat broke when I was pregnant with my son. We lived in a one bedroom apt. And no furniture except the mattress we borrowed from a friend. Two months later my mom gave me her bedroom furniture, and my brother gave me his sofa that was in storage and we owned our own tv set, and bought a table from a yard sale. We manage through and even though we spent a few years on a very tight budget we managed to still swing stuff even though it was modest. We even had a second child just as we were bearly breaking ahead. I couldn’t dream a life without my two children. They both managed to go to college and have great careers. If you really want something you can make it work. Just don’t think it won’t require sacrifice. Once you child is born they should come first before your desire for a fancy car or proper medical attention for your child. My first two cars where second hand till we could afford to buy something new without sacrificing my childrens needs.

Oh, btw, I’m glad you are scared to death. It means you are taking this seriously. A good sign in being a caring mother. I use to do day care and I’ve met many parents who look at having a child like aquiring a fancy Coach bag. No serious thought required in raising their child. I think once you’ve had time to calm down and absorb the reality you will make the right decision for yourself.
Just please wait and think it all out before you do. Don’t let panic make the decision for you three.

JLeslie's avatar

I didn’t read everythiing above, but here is my 2 cents, hopefully I am not repeating somethng tha has been said a bunch of times.

1. that one drink probably won’t matter, because it was so early in the pregnancy and it was just one drink. BUT, drinking in the first three month is very bad because in the first three months the baby is forming, in the later months the baby is mostly growing. Now, this is not 100% cut and dry, but during the forming period you don’t want to screw around.

2. I have no idea about the pot smoking, but I would assume similarly to any smoking it constricts blood vessels, which is not good for the baby, but again youa re so early I think most likely you are ok. The first week after conception the baby is not even attached to the mothers blood supply, it is floating down the fallopan tubes and then finally attaches to the uteris and begins to form the placenta. Also, I think it is up to 14 days the cells are not differentiated yet, all cells are exactly the same. Hopefully, you have stopped toking and drinking at this point, I assume you have since you seem genuinely concerned about the baby.

3. This is not to lecture you, but for the future if you are not preventing that means you are trying. When you are trying you have to assume youa re pregnant, which means not doing any drugs or alcohol, and taking a multivitamin with iron.

4. You don’t have to justify not having the baby. Do what is best for you. Make sure that if for some reason your relationship does not work out with your SO that you are ok having the baby on your own if you think you might want to keep it. How long have you been dating your SO?

Are you working? In school?

Val123's avatar

@janedelila I didn’t have nightmares. @Rarebear But I can’t say it didn’t bother me at all. I think about it sometimes, but I don’t beat myself up.

HGl3ee's avatar

Oh my goodness, this has exploded since I was here last. I want to give you all an update and let you know how things have progressed over the last 24 hours.

First, I AM pregnant. I took an at home test and then the doctor administered one. I went for blood work today and my SO has been making arrangements for an ultrasound and ultimately an abortion.

I want to say, right now, that to all of you who are against abortion or who are attempting to place pressure on me to decide against it, please stop. This decision was a very hard one, but it is the absolute best decision for the three of us right now.

My SO and I would love nothing more than to keep this baby, to go through with everything and become parents. But not like this, we are not ready in our life or our relationship to have a child. We talked all through the night weighing all the options that we had and this is the safest and most logical way we feel we should go about handling this.

My SO has been amazingly supportive, it has pulled us together as a couple and we are already stronger from this. He has found the best clinic in the province where I will have the procedure, he made sure he could be present through it all because he refuses to leave my side through any of this. I am so grateful for him and what we have right now, it honestly brings tears to my eyes how amazing he is.. (Could also be the insane level of hormones running through my body, hehe)

Through this experience we also discovered that our roommate has had an abortion before when she was my age (she is 29 now) I was overjoyed when I discovered that someone so close to me in my life was also someone I could deeply confide in through this. It was also a huge relief to my SO, he has been so worried about me, he calls me through out the day checking up on me, sent me flowers and has been taking care of everything every step of the way. The last 24 hours have been slightly insane, that’s for sure!

I want to send warm hugs of happiness to all of you who have given me support, love, guidance, and suggestions about this very sensitive topic. You all have been truly amazing in your kind words and for sticking up for me and my situation to those who cast negative views. I want to also say a special thank you to those of you who have offered to share your own personal stories with me, to offer me in-depth information and just all around supportive words.

I’m going to try and answer a few questions right now, please if I miss anyone’s let me know. I value you all very much and want to make sure that I address any and all questions.

We have had many discussions prior to this about the idea if we we’re to get pregnant before we we’re ready, we decided a long time ago that abortion was the best choice for us. Of course when it happens there is still discussion but we both knew with out a doubt that it was what we need to do.

My morning sickness has wonderfully been an all-day sickness so you will have to pardon my scattered response, I’m moving about quite a bit to help keep my stomach calm.

My SO and I have been together for almost a year and a half now and I am currently working. (Although, not today due to the tests and initial shock.)

I hate to cut this crazy long post short, but I’m having a moment of feeling good so I’m going to take advantage and make myself some toast :)

I will be back and again I’m happy to answer any and all questions.

Thank everyone, for everything <3

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@ElleBee Thank you for the update and hope everything is quick and painless. Stay well.

Val123's avatar

NO MORE SEX YOU TWO!! I can’t go through this again!
Best of luck to you guys. ((((Hugs ))))

janbb's avatar

Be secure that you are making the best decision you can for this time in your life. I hope it goes easily for you. Best of luck!

Rarebear's avatar

@Val123 I’m not saying that it doesn’t bother people, I’m saying that the women I’ve dealt with did not regret their decision.

Rarebear's avatar

@ElleBee If it makes you feel any better, I’m a physician who in my previous professional iteration took care of a lot of abortion patients. It’s not a decision to be taken lightly, and it is a decision that should be treated with respect.

HGl3ee's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir : I’m happy to give the update, it’s the least I can do for you all :)

@Val123 : Haha I really don’t see us having sex for awhile, we never really viewed it as a necessary part of our relationship and there is a very good chance we will leave it be for a long while. For as often as we actually do have sex we are shocked we ended up pregnant, I tell him he has “Super Wormies” now, hahaha. We both have definitely kept our weird sense of humor through this :D

@janbb : We both truly do feel that we are making the very best decision for us right now, and we are both secure in this decision :) Thank you for your warm wishes!

@Rarebear : I could not agree more, it’s a very important and life altering decision that should never ever be taken lightly. I’m just to happy to not be making this huge decision alone :)

PS: My toast and juice was fantastic! :D

JLeslie's avatar

Thank you for the update. I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation, must be stressful and very emotional. I am so happy to hear that you and your SO are on the same page and so united during this difficult time. Also, it is great that you are dealing with this early, it will make things physically easier for you, and since you have all day sickness, you will actually have a lot of physical relief once the pregnancy is over, which will be like a bonus.

Make sure you know all of your options, medications vs a surgical abortion.

Maybe start taking the pill? Or if you won’t take the pill and you have a regular cycle avoid sex during ovulation and always use some sort of protection whenever ou have sex. You are most likley to get pregnant 14 days BEFORE your period, so avoid sex 12–16 days BEFORE you period, you have to count backwards.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

I wish you the best @ElleBee . I support your right to make whatever decision you choose. I hope you have a joyous life and will someday enjoy being a mother, if you choose.

Coloma's avatar


You are showing much courage and maturity…and the communication, support and maturity of your SO is very admirable as well.

It’s gonna be just fine! :-)

venusjc's avatar

As I always tell my friends, “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle?”...the weed is nothing at this point, the baby’s brain has not developed at this stage, the wine…not a big problem..if you were drinking Vodka or Bacardi…then I’d worry a little.

I will tell you this, it is very hard for a couple to survive an abortion. In most cases, the couple separates, so take your time when making your decision. (I didn’t know what love was until I had my son!)

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@venusjc “In most cases, the couple separates” and you’re basing this on….? That’s what I thought.

Rarebear's avatar

@venusjc You are full of dangerous misinformation.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@venusjc Um. No, you’re wrong.

Coloma's avatar

That was a doomsayers blanket statement and not necessary.

Rarebear's avatar

@Coloma Actually, it should be carefully read because everything she wrote is wrong. First, brains are most sensitive during the first trimester exactly because they’re developing. Second, beer is as dangerous as hard alcohol. Third, marijuana (as I’ve already linked) is dangerous. Fourth, there is no evidence whatsoever that abortions cause separations.

I am constantly amazed at the ignorance some people display and the drek they spew as “facts.”

Coloma's avatar


I just honed in on the negativity.

Rarebear's avatar

@Coloma It’s funny. Negativity doesn’t bother me if the information written is accurate.

janbb's avatar

@Rarebear I think I love you, but I wanna know for sure…..

Coloma's avatar


I hear ya. I don’t advocate unhealthy habits, but, a little bit of those things most likely will not cause any big issues if stopped immediately.

What I don’t like are those that expound doomsayer prophacies.

ANY big stressor in a relationship has the potential to draw closer or distance the partners involved dependent on their own outlooks, emotional stability and coping skills, be it a heath crisis, job loss, whatever… it is impossible to predict the outcome of any two peoples situation, period.

janbb's avatar

@Rarebear I’m told I do too; not a dealbreaker.

MarthaStewart's avatar

As I said earlier having kids is not such a big deal that fear of raising a child should make someone feel forced into an abortion. If you want to abort your child, I think that’s your choice, but you owe it to yourself to be fully informed about both of the choices before you. I don’t think anyone ever feels fully ready to raise a child until they are too old to do so. Raising a child when you’re younger has both advantages and disadvantages. While it can be more difficult with respect to finances and careers when you’re younger, it is EASIER with respect to the physical demands that child rearing places on you. Younger parents have more fun playing with their growing children, and doing things together like camping, climbing mountains, riding bikes, and all the other things a normal kid will ask you to do. Those who become parents at 40+ face the risk of Downs syndrome and often hate the thought of being pulled into active duty as a parent. Having a child at 42 means you’re 53 when that 11 year old wants you to go bike riding with him/her. Take a good look around and see how many 53 year olds you see on bikes. And if the trend continues, and that child waits until 42 to have children, you’ll be 84, if you’re still alive, before you see your grand children.

janbb's avatar

I totally disagree – having kids is a big, big deal. It changes your life completely in ways you cannot comprehend. It is wonderful, frustrating, thrilling and hard and any generalizations about the best time to have a child are just that – generalizations. All you can do is what seems to best thing for you at the time and it seems like you have made your choice. Be at peace with it.

Coloma's avatar


You pose some thoughtful arguments, but…are presuming and insinuating this couple have not already gone over all of these issues and have made a decision. Soooo….the time for posing alternatives and insights is past.

I too agree with @janbb

Making the commitment to bring a child into the world is a HUGE deal!

I love my daughter dearly but did not want more than one child…I loved her childhood but am loving her adulthood even more!

Coloma's avatar

And…53 is still very YOUNG!

I am 50 and I still hop on my inner tube and shoot the rapids at the river, ride horses and am thinking of buying a bike!

Your’re as young as you feel, and youth is more about a mindset than a chronological number.

Sure, I have a little less stamina now..but jeez….don’t start digging my grave yet!

JLeslie's avatar

@venusjc I totally disagree. Things happen in many peoples lives that they cannot handle. I hate that sentence, If that were true we wouldn’t have people in suicidal depressions from overwhelming events. I guess that is supposed to make people feel they can handle anything, but all it does for me is say that even if unthinkable horrors and tragedies in your life happen, you can’t break down. Anyway, I’m not sure what that has to do with this question anyway, because the OP seems to be dealing with her situation very well. And about vodka being different than wine, it isn’t. Alcohol is alcohol.

janedelila's avatar

@venusjc i DID say some time ago that I was gone from here, but why, oh, why do some people focus on those of us who are worried about how abortion will affect these two and tell us how wrong we are? I especially love the statement “the best decision for the three of us”. Wrong. It is so not the best decision for the third. The third dies and the two go on hating themselves subconsciously and therefore find themselves hating each other. Bomb me all you want everybody….it’s my opinion.

JLeslie's avatar

I say we just ignore @janedelila

janbb's avatar

In case my GA wasn’t enough of an indication, I’m with you on that too.

Coloma's avatar


I think that making a public announcement to ignore someone is rather petty and childish.,..we can disagree without being unkind to another.

Just my 2 cents ladies…..

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Coloma You should tell that to @janedelila besides, flagging doesn’t seem to be the absence of the governing body (aka moderators) doing what they need to do, citizens can rise up in rebellion..

Coloma's avatar


Whats the BFD?

So the woman has her own perspectives on this sensitive subject…and why even flag?

Just let it go, there is no need to bring out the big guns IMO.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Coloma Sorry, there is a difference between having her own perspectives and telling the OP who’s about to go through with this procedure that clearly her and her partner will separate and hate each other. Yea, real objective. And what’s it to you, anyway? IYO is IYO – in our opinions this has to be spoken against. You want to let it go, you let it go.

Coloma's avatar


I already voiced my disagreement on that comment…many of us did.’s already been done.

I am just advocating tolerance inspite of disagreement.

I maintain that we can disagree without letting our egos go into ostricism mode..well some of us can anyway.

Hey if it makes you feel all puffed up to blacklist this person that’s your deal.

I’ve probably made the grade on your shitlist too. Oh well…

JLeslie's avatar

@Coloma If this was a Q about abortion I would happily debate the topic with respect for the opposing opinion. That was my only point in saying to ignore her. This is not the time or the place, the OP respectfully asked for no negative comments on the topic.

Val123's avatar

@Coloma In regards to having kids at the age of 50. Yes, you’re young enough to handle it at 50, but not so much so 15 years later, when you’re 65 when they really start stressing you out.

Coloma's avatar

Hey everyone..peace!

I am simply playing devils advocate, and two wrongs don’t make a right.
( Or, as in this case, 3 wrongs..if we wish to include Simones self appointed policing behavior. )

I stand by my posistion that we can agree to disagree without resorting to sophmoric ploys by publicly stating a ’ lets just ignore her’ comment.

I understand and agree those comments were inappropriate, I also feel that self appointing oneself to moderator status is inappropriate as well as arrogant.

Nuff said…happy day to everyone!

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Coloma what of your self appointed devil’s advocate behavior? where do you get off?

Val123's avatar

Come on you guys! You know that this is a very sensitive subject, and when you post a question like this you have to expect that there will be those who will come down adamantly on the “other” side.

janedelila's avatar

I say @janedelila is no longer following…

Coloma's avatar


You sound much angrier than seems necessary.
I just tossed in a reminder that there is no need to be overly reactive and snotty.

If dramas your game, have at it…..

augustlan's avatar

[mod says] Flame off, folks.

augustlan says: I wish you the best @ElleBee!

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