General Question

kaeltsw's avatar

Living with mother,paying rent, not allowed to have a key and cannot have my fiance come over, what to do?

Asked by kaeltsw (7points) July 9th, 2010

I love at home with my mother because I lost my job and cannot live out on my own because I cannot afford rent as it is for a single studio apt. I am paying to live at home with my mother and four brothers. My mother is refusing to give me a key to the house and says that I cannot have my fiance over because my brothers and her do not like her. I have asked several times to have her come over and they refuse. I have also asked several times to get a copy of the key so that if I go out I can get in without having to sit outside and ring the doorbell untill someone gets the door. I have called the Oregon Bar and they say it falls under a landlord tenent thing and I called some organization about it and my mother refuses to accept the legal side of it and says she talked to a lawer and since it is not an apt that it does not matter. They say it does but since I dont have the money to get legal mediation, I cannot go any further. What should I do?

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33 Answers

Seaofclouds's avatar

If talking to your mom doesn’t work, it seems like there is little you can do. Has she given you a reason why she doesn’t want to let you have a key? It’s her house and she has the right to say she doesn’t want your fiance there, even though you are paying rent. I think the best thing you can do is try to save up and move out. Maybe you could look into getting a place with someone else to help with the costs. Do you have a written agreement with her in regards to you living there or is it all just an oral agreement?

whelm's avatar

Get a job as soon as you can. Move in with your fiance, split the bills. I know in the city where I live there are a few apartment buildings that your rent is dependent on what you make at your job. So… apply everywhere. If you want to be able to be your own person, apply any place you can think of. It seems like your situation won’t be changing unless you get a job and move out. Your Mom seems to have made up her mind on the subject.

jazmina88's avatar

It looks like it’s time for you and your fiance to start figuring out how to live together. Unemployment helps.

doublebogie's avatar

My step son moved back home for a while for the same reasons, I love him as my own. He paid some rent to help with house hold bills (power and such is not free) and we had house rules, some he didn’t like. As tough as this may sound if you don’t like the rules move out, there is always another solution to every problem. Good Luck!!

Likeradar's avatar

You suck it up, look for a job any job, and move out.
Either you are not giving the full story here, or your mom is a nut case. Either way, be an adult and move out.

Was there any discussion of policies before moving back in?

filmfann's avatar

Grow a pair, get a job you probably don’t want to take, and move out.

honestly, you lost me at “I love at home with my mother ”.

doublebogie's avatar

My wife is a professional mediator and facilitator. She also volunteers at a Community Mediation Center where many of their services are free to those who can’t afford it. She recommends checking your community for such a service. Again, Good Luck!!

ItsAHabit's avatar

Move out. It’s that simple.

Jude's avatar

Sounds as though your Mom doesn’t want you there.

Get a job and a place of your own.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

My parents pretty much had the same rules…after college, if I wanted to move back in, I was more than welcome, but would have to abide by their rules: pay rent, get a job, be home by the curfew they set.

Sister and BIL set similar guidelines for their son..he could continue to live at home after high school and.they would financially support his basic needs as long as he was in college full-time and working a part-time job.

Both were ways of showing parental love by offering to support us, while gently teaching us how to leave the nest when ready.

What really interests me is that your mother and your brothers don’t approve of your loved one.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Unless you have a pattern of behaviour that gives your mother a reason to distrust you so much that she will not allow you a house key, you would seem to be entitled to a key. Most children in their teens have a house key. Certainly as a tenant, your are entitles to have a key.

Is there information you have yet to disclose that would account for your mother’s strange refusal to grant that request?

Aster's avatar

NONE OF THEM like your fiancee? Why not?
Accept you cannot have her over there; it’s your mother’s place. Find another place to live. Trust me: with the way they feel about her, you and she would Hate living there.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Put aside the fact that you’re paying your mother some money- it’s her home so it’s her rules you agree to if you want that roof over your head. There’s some reason she and four brothers don’t like your fiancee and that might have something to do with them not wanting you to have your own key to come and go (and bring fiancee over). If you’re intending to get married and are already engaged then it’s time for you to start looking for a place for you and fiancee to live together anyhow. That’s the person you’ll be sharing funds with.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Your mom wants you to move out and is making living there as temporary as she possibly can. Take the hint. Get two jobs, any jobs. Find three friends to move in with, and move out. Moving in with the girlfriend probably isn’t a great idea; if that many people don’t like her, it’s possible that the sex is blinding you to her personality flaws.

the100thmonkey's avatar

Your family sound horrible.

What are your qualifications/areas of expertise or skill/work experiences? Maybe the best solution we can offer you is job advice.

Buttonstc's avatar

Her house, her rules. It really is that simple.

If you don’t like the rules, you are perfectly free to find your own place where you make the rules.

Just find one of those jobs that most people wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole and save up your money. Every place has jobs like that Or create your own and start a business shoveling peoples yards of pet poop. Do whatever you have to do.

Either that or continue lying around waiting for a job you like and suck it up regarding your Mother’s rules.

The Golden Rule:

He who has the gold makes the rules.

perspicacious's avatar

Find a job and move.

MaryW's avatar

Her house. She is sharing her home with you and that is giving you support so you can: Grow up and leave the nest. How can you plan on getting married if you are not supporting yourself on your own. You are whining instead of growing.

jrpowell's avatar

Taking legal action is stupid. She will simply kick your ass out.

I have gone this route. She calls the cops and you have 30 days to get out. That was a uncomfortable 30 days when I did it to my roommate. The roommate that needed to go at our house was having people over that were knocking on neighbors doors asking if they had meth or pills. It was mess.

She can also file for a restraining order if you piss her off enough. I have done this. It is free and very simple and the person is gone in ten hours. You pretty much tell the judge three times you felt threatened. And that is pretty much it. No proof needed. A cop will come a few hours later and get the person out of your house.

And it sounds like the problem you have is your mum feels like giving you a key is equivalent to giving your fiance one. Copies are 99 cents.

Sooo. The easiest thing you can do is promise your mum that your fiance will never come over (she obviously hates her). You might get a key that way. And move the the fuck out.

jca's avatar

you did not state your age. just curious.

now about the paying rent thing. you didn’t say how much you pay, but it’s probably less than if you had to get your own apartment, plus cable, plus food, plus power/heat. so you either move out if you’re old enough, and pay your own way, which would mean having a job where you made enough money to live on your own or with fiance, OR you stay home and deal with her rules.

you might have a little more leverage with your mom if you’re paying a large amount of rent, like a few hundred. she might need the money, and therefore you’re more in a position to bargain with her about rules.

as others have said, there must be more to the story. there’s a reason they don’t like your boyfriend.

jca's avatar

here’s a little story about myself in your position. when i was 18, my parents’ mortgage was $900/month. i had to pay $300, which obviously is ⅓rd, like a roommate. i still knew i could not live anywhere else for $300 a month, so i had to suck it up. i had rules- could not stay out all night. 18 years old, paying ⅓ the mortgage, and it was told to me that if i live under their roof then i had to abide by their rules. When i was 20 i moved out. i was very resentful.

dynamicduo's avatar

Sounds like it’s time to move out. Sometimes parents just can’t be reasoned with, and it’s her house so no matter how strange or unfair it seems, she is in her right to make the rules. Paying rent to her may technically make you two have a landlord-tenant relationship in which she would be doing you wrong by denying you a key and the use of your space, but this is really never the case, as you have noticed, there is no real lease agreement between you two (presumably). The lease you have, essentially, is “take it or leave it”. So you can take it – meet your boyfriend outside of the house and give in to your mother’s senseless demands and rules, or leave it. Even though I didn’t have a bad relationship with my mother, I chose to leave it, and it did me well. Times were tough with me as a student and my man-mate not making a lot of money, but where there is a will, there is a way. Renting a bedroom from a friend is a step above renting from your mother because at least then you are a tenant and have tenant’s rights.

jca's avatar

or you and your boyfriend and maybe a third person (or not, depending on how finances are and how tolerant you are of a third person) move in together and make a go of it, and live by your own rules. i tell you, that’s the nice thing about living on your own – you make the rules, you don’t have to hear anybody complaining about you. just make sure before you commit to the man that you’re positive he’s a good guy to be with, live with, last with.

KatawaGrey's avatar

It sucks that she won’t let your fiancee in but that is something that falls under the realm of her house her rules. However, the fact that she won’t let you have a key is ridiculous. What are you expected to do once you do get a job? My suggestion about the key thing is to simply go about your business and make them let you in whenever you need to get in.

I’m sorry your situation sucks so much. The best advice I can give you is to get any job you can and move out. Also, consider living with your fiancee. You should also try and talk to your mom about why she doesn’t like your fiancee. It sounds to me like she’s punishing you for being with someone she doesn’t like and as such is trying to keep you from being with her.

jca's avatar

i think there are three sides to every story, and maybe the mom and the brothers have good reason for not liking the boyfriend.

the100thmonkey's avatar


Pay attention to your pronouns.

jca's avatar

@the100thmonkey : right, woops.

YARNLADY's avatar

Find a roommate or move into a room-for-rent situation in someone else’s house. Many elderly people are now renting out rooms in their houses to help with expenses. You will have all the rights of a tenant, without the expense.

Rent a motel room for the occasional nights you want to spend with your fiance, or go to her place instead. When I was dating, we used to go to the lounge area of a posh hotel, just to sit and relax, usually for the price of drinks from the bar.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@jca I was confused as well. Fiancé is male; Fiancée is female.

SmashTheState's avatar

Decide whether you want to be comfortable or you want to be free. The two conditions are, in our culture, mutually exclusive. If you dare to live freely, you will be punished. You will not be physically comfortable, and you may even be forced to live with a certain amount of danger. You will certainly be looked down upon and mocked.

In your current situation, I would look carefully at the option of squatting. In order to squat successfully, you’re going to have to boil your possessions down to the absolute minimum, certainly no more than a backpack and preferably as little as a tennis bag. You’ll have to get rid of your computer and get a laptop or palmtop, since you’ll have to carry it with you everywhere you go. If you’re not sure where to squat, make friends with the local street punks. They’ll be able to put you in contact with the local crusties (lifestyle anarchopunks) who have an astounding knowledge of all the best squats in the city.

You won’t be comfortable, but you’ll be free.

jca's avatar

i find it hard to really give an opinion without knowing more about the other side of the story. maybe your mom has good reason not to like your choice of a girlfriend. you are vague with the details, but is the girlfriend rude? does she have a criminal history? who knows and if you don’t specify what your mom’s issues are with her, it just sounds like you’re in a sad spot but maybe your mom wants what’s best for you and it’s not with this girl. as far as living situation, when you say you pay rent, is it a small amount or a big amount? again, it sounds like a pathetic story but maybe you don’t pay much at all, maybe you don’t have a job and your mom is trying to push you to better yourself. you also didn’t say the ages of your brothers, maybe your mom does not want your girlfriend coming in and you all having sex with the little brothers around? your mom might have good reason for doing what she is doing, and without you being specific, it just sounds one way.

Seek's avatar

Have you even bothered to look in the paper for someone looking for a roommate?

I moved out when my overbearing parents started demanding money from me on top of everything else I was being forced into doing. I found a woman who had a room for rent, who was just looking for a way to help pay her mortgage. A couple hundred a month, for my own room, own bathroom, electric, water, everything included – even a pool… and I could do whatever the eff I pleased. And guess who was calling me after that asking for handouts?

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