Social Question

Jude's avatar

Do you ever feel bad (afterward) for coming off a bit harsh here on Fluther?

Asked by Jude (32198points) July 15th, 2010

Folks, I’m truly not a crabby (bitchy) patty. I tend to tell it like it is, but, at times I have come off a bit harsh and regret doing so, afterward.

How about you?

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126 Answers

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I’m not recalling any harsh answers from you jimah. Your direct at times, but that’s ok.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Naaaah….I stand by my bitchiness ;)

cookieman's avatar

Nope. I never say anything here in the lagoon I wouldn’t repeat in real life or to someone’s face. Keeps it simple.

If I think what I want to sy is too harsh…I won’t say/write it.

Nice SpongeBob reference by the way.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Now that lucille is another story.

john65pennington's avatar

I try to think before i type. some people always are trying to stir up crape and i accept this and go on with life. after all, its just words and opinions. its apparent that i do not think like everyone else on Fluther, either. i have my own opinions, based on experience.

If i cross the line, i will have a comeback apology.

gailcalled's avatar

I always start by saying that I am voicing my opinion, I am speaking from personal experience or I am not sure. Some people leap to the wrong conclusion that I am ragging on them. Is that my fault? Of course not.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Yeah, you do come off that way sometimes. As does tinyfaery. As do I. I don’t regret anything I say and if I do, I let them know.

aprilsimnel's avatar

One person’s “bitchy” is another person’s “straightforward”. As long as you’re not calling anyone names and are addressing the issue directly, well, people have to learn to roll with the punches and sort out the opinions of others for themselves.

bob_'s avatar

What you see is what you get.

Now go make me a sandwich—and like it.

gailcalled's avatar

@bob:Sorry, we’re in anarchist mode. No bread, no meat, no lettuce and no tomatoes. Go into the garden and eat worms.

chyna's avatar

I may have on a few occasions. It was not my intention if so. But no one is nice all the time, except for @cprevite who rocks, by the way.

Jude's avatar

@bob Take that stickly, little body yours of and make your own damn sammich!

Oh, wait. Bobbey, (Whitney), sweetie, whatever you want, love. Slippers for your feet, too?

bob_'s avatar

@gailcalled D:

@jjmah Not yet. First massage them.

cookieman's avatar

Here ya go Mr. @bob_

Aww. Thank you @chyna. Now STFU and help me make @bob_ a sandwich.

chyna's avatar

I’m making me one first. It’s lunchtime at my house. Turkey on white slathered with Miracle Whip, lettuce and cheese. Want one @bob_ ?

bob_'s avatar

@chyna Do you even have to ask?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I think as long as we don’t go off on personal attacks, addressing the issues directly is a lot better than dancing all around what you’re trying to convey. Get to the point and get it done.
I want a sandwich too.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

so sick of the sandwich trope, you guys, it’s killing me

Jude's avatar

@bob_ I love that blue shirt that you’re wearing. Isn’t that the same shirt that I’ve seen you wear the last seven times that we were together? And. I looove that you wear no pants when we’re out and about, love. Oh, bob.

bob_'s avatar

@jjmah It’s blue? I always thought it was gray. Man, colorblindness sucks.

BoBo1946's avatar

you want people to think you are wise, agree with them.

bob_'s avatar

@BoBo1946 I think that’s true, and also, if you want people to think you’re very wise, add something to what they just said, even if it’s only superficial.

BoBo1946's avatar

@bob_ got’cha…personally, at my tender age, do not like confrontation etc…it is waste of energy and only harms your peace of mind!

gemiwing's avatar

Most of the time I am. Very seldom do I throw up my hands and say ‘bawww fuggit’ and stop caring. Then again, sometimes I really just don’t give a foo.

Blackberry's avatar

Yeah, for two seconds until I realize I meant what I said.

Jude's avatar

@gemiwing “fuggit” and “foo” has garnered you some lurve.

gemiwing's avatar

@Blackberry Excellent point. I guess, for me, it’s because I wish I would have said it better so it might have had a more healthy impact. I agree though- I usually meant it.

@jjmah I just came up with foo and I really like it. I’m going to try it out for a week and see how it goes. I do lurve me some lurve

ucme's avatar

I don’t think i’ve ever been harsh or hostile on here. I imagine if I were to be i’d probably not give it a seconds thought.

janbb's avatar

I think sometimes I go for the clever, pithy remark rather than a more compassionate one and then do regret it. Unfortunately, if I think it was really clever, I don’t always regret it.

dpworkin's avatar

Every single time. Afterward is the key concept. I generally feel quite justified at the time. I most regret when I hurt a friend; I least regret when I out an asshole.

Jude's avatar

“you want people to think you are wise, agree with them”

I disagree there. I’ll speak my mind (and if I disagree; well, that’s how I feel). Sometimes, I just need to be a bit more tactful is all.

janbb's avatar

@jjmah You are a pussycat – I don’t know why you’re worrying about tact. And if you need lessons, just ask @dpworkin.

bob_'s avatar

@jjmah It depends on what you’re trying to accomplish. Sometimes, harsh, direct words are called for. Others, a conciliatory tone is best. Back in the day, we were asking a professor to change the date of an exam. I couldn’t understand why people were starting to use an “aggressive” tone, making the professor look like a bad guy, when in reality we were asking for a favor.

Facade's avatar

Not really. If I was harsh, the person on the receiving end deserved it.

dynamicduo's avatar

Nope. I speak the truth, sometimes the truth hurts.

Coloma's avatar

I am the genuine article. No pretenses, how I present myself online is how I really am.

I like to see myself as open, overall possessed of a diplomatic, honest and kind character, but….I have ZERO tolerance for bullying, egoic debate, hardcore blanket statements, or those that are overly invested in making some one else wrong to puff up their own over inflated sense of self and no patience whatsoever for duplicitious conduct.

I would address these issues with any of my real life friends as well.

Most of the time I don’t care to argue or debate much of anything, I prefer levity to leveraging, but, once in awhile yep…I’ll pick up the frying pan. lol

ratboy's avatar

I am constitutionally incapable of an unkind thought. Despite the deluge of infantile, idiotic, and inconsequential answers to moronic questions typical of Flutherites, I’ve always pretended to respect even the stupidest contributers.

mammal's avatar

i regret not being harsh enough, sometimes i have to literally whip myself into a frenzy in order to interject a verbal reality smack down, into the catatonic Internet lives, of some of our….less enlightened brothers & sisters.

Coloma's avatar


It’s all about balance..blast the darkside, praise the light! hahaha

bob_'s avatar

@mammal Right, ‘cause harsh words really get the point across.

dpworkin's avatar

@bob_ As opposed to weasel words?

wilma's avatar

I think I only regret one time, and I said so.

bob_'s avatar

@dpworkin No, as opposed to a balanced tone. See here.

dpworkin's avatar

We disagree; the difference is that I don’t constantly batter you on the issue. I’d rather be accused of unrestraint than passive aggression.

bob_'s avatar

I don’t believe I constantly batter you on the issue. Isn’t this the subject of the question?

dpworkin's avatar

How odd that the link you provided referred to me.

ParaParaYukiko's avatar

Only a couple times have I said something on Fluther that I regret, and I do feel bad for a while. But I most of the time most people don’t have negative reactions to my responses, so it can’t be that bad, can it?

In general, I try to be as nice and polite as I can here on Fluther without compromising honesty. Occasionally, though, you have to be a little harsh for someone to get the point.

bob_'s avatar

@dpworkin That response was addressed to you, because you asked that question.

jazmina88's avatar

I even wrote a private PM and apologized for being rude. Hormones are a bitch.

I try to be a nice girl.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I regularly go off on some windmill-tilting expedition. I try not to get personal about it, but feathers get ruffled. A few days (or hours) later, I read what’s there and kick myself for writing it.
@bob_ Here’s your pastrami sandwich .
@jjmah Your foot massage is scheduled after J’s.
@jazmina88 I’ve made the PM apology circuit also.

Coloma's avatar

In my opinon and observations one of the biggest issues with ALL communication is remembering to ASK, what another means.

Far too many that jump to conclusions based on their own foggy filters and forget to ask the pertinent questions such as:

Can you explain yourself a little better, I don’t understand your meaning?

What exactly are you trying to say?

If I am understanding you correctly this is what I am hearing in your response.

Online communications be it on a public forum or in email beteen friends etc. always pose risk for anothers own very unique perceptions to be misconstrued or, as is often the case, completely blown out of proportion.

Then, of course, one has no way of knowing if someone is in a crappy mood and is just looking for a confrontation to assuage ther own painbody in the moment. lol

I think everyone needs to remind themselves to ASK for clarificaton before making kitchen sink assumptions that result in tempers flaring.

I certainly have a mental list of those that I consider to be over the top in their volaitility and keep a psychic box of garlic wreaths, wooden stakes and silver bullets on standby. lolol

IchtheosaurusRex's avatar

Nope. I tend to rant sometimes, but the rantees deserve it even when I’m over the top.

dpworkin's avatar

Oh and you are the poster girl for restraint, @Coloma lol, haha, :) rofl bff AOL CNN, MSNBC.

Fly's avatar

I rarely act in a manner that would come off as bitchy or harsh on Fluther. However, I have been known to do so on occasion. I find that when I do say something a bit harsh, it is purposeful. I am never unnecessarily mean just for the sake of being so- it is to get a point across. Sometimes I feel a tad remorseful at first, but then I re-read the context and realize that I wouldn’t have said it any other way.

Coloma's avatar


Healthy defense towards anothers unhealthy, abusive and sloppy emotionality is not on the same continuem of what I am speaking of.

I will always stand up to bullies you can sure of that.

dpworkin's avatar

One again you make my point. I’m glad I outed you, and have no regrets. Also, it is spelled “continuum.”

tinyfaery's avatar

Not really. It’s not that I don’t feel that I have been harsh, I just don’t think it’s something I need to feel guilty about. I sometimes regret having posted something that sends others off on a tangent. I never really want a debate.

@dpworkin & @Coloma—please take it to PM. We don’t need another thread removed.

BoBo1946's avatar

After this morning @Simone_De_Beauvoir, your question has LOTS more meaning now! Wow! I stepped into that one! Gosh, wish i could walk away and consider that the person attacking was having a bad day also. A man my age should know better. Take care!

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@BoBo1946 Did you mean to reply to me? I’m not sure I get which of my qs you’re talking about

Coloma's avatar


I am honored to be ousted from your dark province.

Long live king of grandiosity and bullydom…may your royal ego rule for a 1000 years.

Jude's avatar

Take it to pm.

dpworkin's avatar

Ousted is not equal to “outed.” And once again, you helpfully make my point.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@jjmah seriously, it’s so tiring

ninjacolin's avatar

haha, yea sometimes!

frdelrosario's avatar

Fluther changed its user interface for this question. It said: Questions for you: 1. Seriously. Go there right now.

Yeah, I often feel bad. Sometimes the person doesn’t deserve it, and sometimes I didn’t read something correctly before I went off.

But most of the time, people are just morons who can’t bother to do their own thinking or research, or request value for free, whether it’s something material or information that’s best left to professionals.

Vunessuh's avatar

This happened just recently. The poor girl deleted her account because I guess she couldn’t handle the smackdown I gave to her and the embarrassment that followed. At first I felt bad because I figured I was too harsh, but then I began realizing how justified I was considering how much manipulative shit she tried to pull. In the end, I wasn’t disrespectful to her, just firm and what I said was very reasonable. Thereafter, I just felt bad for how she handled the situation. Instead of apologizing or saying, ”whoa, I fucked up” she couldn’t handle it and deleted her account like a coward. (And she had been here for a little while and racked up some points.) She basically had a big mouth and no way of backing it up when someone called her on her shit. She couldn’t tango, but I still felt for her and then I got over it.

When I first joined q&a sites about a year ago, sometimes I was quick to become defensive, I didn’t handle arguments properly, I was harsh and didn’t have much patience.
As time has passed, I developed a tremendous amount of patience and I pick and choose the battles I want to be involved with. Sounds silly, but I’ve done quite a bit of growing as a result of participating on these sites.

Yeah, I get bitchy every once in a while like everyone else, but I have common sense enough to know how to communicate with people, even when they piss me off and I want to put them in their place. Because of that, the only way I would ever feel bad is if I know I didn’t handle it well, which no longer happens much like it did way back when.

Usually if I feel bad, it would be because I’m empathizing. Not because I feel like I fucked up.

ubersiren's avatar

If I say something truly mean that I feel wasn’t warranted, I always feel bad about it. If I’m having a bitch fest, I usually snap out of it and feel foolish and regretful and will try to make it right.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Yes and no. Yes if it was unintentional and no if it was intentional.

le_inferno's avatar

Never. If you let some anonymous stranger from the Internet get to you, that’s your problem, not mine. I might be harsh sometimes, but I don’t think I’m causing any long-term psychological torment. C’mon now.

Pandora's avatar

I never come off bitchy. :P
I will appologize on the thread and if I feel they may not have seen it, then I may PM them if I came off that way unintentional.
If I meant it, than I stick with it.

AmWiser's avatar

If its not to much of an imposition, and only if you feel like it, just apologize and move on.

meagan's avatar

I never personally attack anyone, so no, I don’t feel bad. I’m usually on the receiving end of the ‘you dont know shit’ stick.

Its the internet. Some people take things far more personally than they should.

YARNLADY's avatar

If I believe I was misunderstood, I will apologize for my poor wording, but if I mean it, I don’t back down.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

I have at times made an incorrect inference about a person and thought their answers suggested a thinly veil agenda. I had commented on that impression and suggested they should rethink their approach to questions and tone and keep their hidden agenda out of the discourse.

In such cases I have privately and publicly apologized.

I’m very analytical and constantly generate theories or hypotheses about people and what they think. Often it results in some good insights. Sometimes I am way off base and shoot off my mouth.

Pandora's avatar

@Dr_Lawrence Yep, your not alone.

zophu's avatar

meh, sort of. don’t think i’ve ever hurt anyone’s feelings much or anything, though.

Berserker's avatar

Not really. It’s not because I think I’m justified or think I’m right; in fact most times I’m sure I couldn’t be any more dead off. But if I try to change it doesn’t work, so fuck it. I do restrain myself quite a lot though, and that should be good enough, considering some of the liberties I sometimes see on here.
No I wouldn’t jump off a bridge if everyone did it, but I sure as hell ain’t gonna let anyone shove me off of one, either.

escapedone7's avatar

I don’t have any specific fluther regrets, I have ten billion regrets of things I’ve said to people in my personal “real” life.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

@Pandora I have the courage to apologize when I overstep and am too harsh with someone who deserves not harsh critique. I am still a work in progress.

jerv's avatar

Sometimes, but communications were never my strong point. i have a great vocabulary and all, but can’t always translate what is in my brain into words that others can read/listen to and think the same thing I’m thinking. In that respect, I am not entirely unlike someone who took English as a third language if for no reason other than my mind operates differently from most people’s anyways.

Fluther is no different than anywhere else I speak or post; I sometimes come across badly.

zophu's avatar

@jerv Yeah, you totally “implied” that you “would” insult me as you would someone one notch above a serial child-molester because I implied that someone on unemployment with a working boyfriend can get together the funding for visits to a psychologist, (stating that the money could be received from even estranged friends and family.)

I’d work on your communication skills, cause that was uncalled for. I did learn a little bit more about how fucked up people can get because of money problems, though. I actually think you effected a financial decision I made a little later. For that I’m grateful.

edit: Okay, above is something that I felt bad about posting after posting it. It’s a little too harsh. I’ll leave it up because of the context, though. Maybe it serves as a good example.

jerv's avatar

@zophu I’m a lot better than I used to be. How scary is that? ANd trust me, I have my reasons; check your comments ;)

augustlan's avatar

I’m fairly certain that I haven’t been truly mean to anyone in years, on Fluther or in real life. I can get a little snarky sometimes (I have a strong sarcastic streak), so if I hurt someone unintentionally because of that, then yes… I feel bad.

dpworkin's avatar

Auggie, you wuss.

augustlan's avatar

Now I feel bad. ~

zophu's avatar

@jerv Thanks for the pm :)

gailcalled's avatar

Le roi est mort; vive le roi. @dpworkin‘s throne has been usurped by @SmashtheState.

dpworkin's avatar

Sometimes it’s good to be superseded

gailcalled's avatar

It is. You can now be the King father, or King emeritus.

dpworkin's avatar

Can I just relax and cease all excrescent abuse?

janbb's avatar

Yes, you can.

cookieman's avatar

But will he?

dpworkin's avatar

Stay tuned for more of the exciting adventures of Jewboy.

janbb's avatar

And I just got a great new tv to watch it on!

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

I’m fighting off the urge right now to post something that might come across that way on another thread. Let it go? Post something now? Wait until I cool off a bit? Probably best to let this one go…I’ve re-read our posts and am content with mine.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Symbeline I’ve never read anything you posted, here or the previous site, that you would have any reason to regret. Your style is delightfully earthy.

perspicacious's avatar

No, but I often feel moderated.

zenele's avatar

It’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.

janbb's avatar

I often feel bad when other people come off being harsh on Fluther.

zenele's avatar

^ Hey, Bubby.

janbb's avatar

Bubby’s off bubby-duty this week.

zenele's avatar

We should move – this Q is in the triple digits and takes long to load, Bubs. Meet me in my Q about chattin in threads vs. chatrooms?


mattbrowne's avatar

Yes, I do. Sometimes I’m being a bit too harsh on atheists and ultra-conservative capitalists. When this happens and I reread my comments the next day I wish I had used different words.

But I got zero tolerance for discriminatory behavior, especially when there are racist elements in it. Then I don’t feel bad for being too harsh.

bob_'s avatar

Okay, if @mattbrowne, the most civil dude the Internet has ever seen, considers himself harsh sometimes, what does he think of the rest of us? D:

jerv's avatar

I am an asshole? Of course, that isn’t really news…

gailcalled's avatar

@jerv: But a tall, thin one.

NaturallyMe's avatar

Nope, if i’m ever harsh it’s because i feel the person deserved it, and i said what needed to be said.

Berserker's avatar

@jerv Shit, piss, corruption rot, ninety nine assholes tied in a not, and you’re the biggest, reddest and smelliest one of the lot.

I’m just joking, I just wanted an excuse to type that. And if you really are an asshole, you’re an awesome one.

jerv's avatar

@Symbeline Great! Now I have George Carlin’s old cheering routine stuck in my head!

Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat!
Sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot!
Hooray! Lizard shit! FUCK!

gailcalled's avatar

It is interesting (to me, at least) how those words lose their power when repeated again and again. They become, instead of shocking or horrifying, depending how old you are) boring, as are many words when overused.

My mother would keel over, of course. After my father died, she managed to use the word “shit,” but only by spelling it aloud.

Coloma's avatar


Yes, I have always found comedians that are able to create a comic routine devoid of repetitive expletives to be the REALLY talented ones.

le_inferno's avatar

George Carlin is tremendously unfunny. I can’t understand how he’s so popular.

jerv's avatar

@le_inferno I feel the same about most of what passes for humor (or even most entertainment) these days. I can’ t see why Miley Cyrus, The Jersey Shore, or any of the current crop of TV sit-coms are popular, so I chalk it up to personal taste.

josie's avatar

I confess.

Frenchfry's avatar

I have yet to do that. Watch out though sometimes I drink too much wine and say whatever is on my mine. and not choose my words wisely. I would regret it and worry about it. I hate being mean.

Bellatrix's avatar

Nope. If people come here asking questions, they want honest answers. Sure it is good to be polite but sometimes the only way to clearly get your point across is to be direct. I would much rather people told me the truth, with no fluff than covered up what they were trying to say with a dose of sugar.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Great Caesar’s ghost, why should I? I bring the logic (unless it is about faith because that needs no logic) if other people can’t hang or deal with the logic and they get mad, it was them not me who made them mad. If I come off harsh, I believe it is because who ever got mad or upset allowed they went with their emotions instead of the logic that made them to be that way.

Mantralantis's avatar

I’m not sure. Let me ask, okay?

Have I ever been harsh to anyone out there?

chyna's avatar

^Ow, my ears, stop shouting.

gailcalled's avatar

@Coloma introduced us to this maxim; it bears repeating, I think.

”“If one person says you’re a donkey, ignore them, if 10 people say you’re a donkey, buy a saddle.”

AnonymousWoman's avatar

I have felt bad about using harsh words on here in the past. That’s one of the reasons I’m extra careful of what I say now and prefer to only use Fluther when I’m not likely to take things on this site too personally. That doesn’t mean I lie about my opinions on here now. It just means I choose to express myself in a more civil manner than those times.

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