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silverlining's avatar

Have you ever had to take back 'I love you'?

Asked by silverlining (78points) July 16th, 2010

I care a lot about my boyfriend, but I feel like I was pressured into saying “I love you.” I now realize that I really am not in love. This is the second time this has happened to me. I don’t seem to learn. I say “I love you” because the guy says it first, and I feel guilty for not reciprocating. I don’t want to hurt him, so I say it. And then I convince myself that I actually am in love, for a short while. I feel like this relationship isn’t going anywhere, he makes me feel like a bad person, and I’m just not happy. But I really don’t think I can bear to break up with him, or at least take back what I said. Part of me really wants to stay, but part of me knows this isn’t what I’m looking for. I don’t want him to think I don’t care, but I feel like I’m lying if I continue to say “I love you.” What should I do?

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14 Answers

zenele's avatar

Take back “I love you”?

Count your blessings, coun’t your I love you’s – enjoy them for what they are at the time. To everything there is a season – love comes and goes – but don’t ever “take it back”; you hurt yourself and the other person, and to what avail?

Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

sigh saying I love you….Wow….So many girls have said that to me (friend wise) I sorta feel the same way. It’s not a good thing to take back an I love you. Like what Zenele said. well…I don’t really want to repeat since it’s already there. But If you’re young then this “I love you” isn’t real. This is only…Eh….A substitute I suppose is the right word for it. Since you and your boyfriend won’t ALWAYS be together since it’s reality nothing lasts forever. But I can’t really help you sadly on this topic. You might have to find your own path to get yourself out of the maze you are in.

SamIAm's avatar

if the relationship isn’t going anywhere, and you’re not feeling it, end it now… it’s only going to be harder the longer you wait. i promise, this is worthwhile advice.

as for the i love you, well said @zenele

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Once years ago. The man was pushed on me by friends who didn’t know him well and he turned out to be a manipulative dangerous psychopath.

Seaofclouds's avatar

If you don’t feel like the relationship is going anywhere, end it and move on. In the future, try not to say I love you unless you really mean it. If you want to continue the relationship, you can continue it and stop saying I love you. Eventually he will ask why and you will have to explain it to him (which will then probably lead to ending the relationship anyway). I agree that it will hurt to tell him that you thought you meant it but realized that you really don’t love him, but I think it’s best to be honest. It will hurt a lot more if you continue to lie to him about it.

Cruiser's avatar

Never ever settle or compromise for a “part” as you put it. A part of life is a sell out you more than likely will live to regret!! Go for the whole slice of life if you can…live life to it’s fullest while you can!!

silverlining's avatar

@zenele But what if I never felt true love? I should just deceive him into believing that I do?
@Seaofclouds I like your answer; I agree I should maybe stop saying it for a while, see if he picks up on it. I just know it will be a shitty discussion because we’d totally be backtracking… I feel like I may love him in time, but right now I just have a bad taste in my mouth from a little spat we had today.

amandagetrich's avatar

I agree, you shouldn’t let it go any further or lead them on any more, it will only end worse.

AliasTJ's avatar

I don’t say “I love you” unless I mean it. I haven’t ever taken it back, but there have been times when I wished I could. I don’t choose the ones I love. My love isn’t dependent upon how they feel about me. My love isn’t effected by what they do/don’t do. I love full out and sometimes that leads to me crashing and burning.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

If you know what it means and you feel it, then do ahead and say “I love you.”

Never say it if you don’t.

perspicacious's avatar

“I feel like I’m lying….” You are. About everything. If you stay, tell him how you really feel so he will know the relationship is not a serious one. It sounds like you are not genuine in your words or actions. You will have a hard time with any relationship unless you can change this.

stardust's avatar

I understand the pressure to reciprocate when in that situation. I’ve been in relationships in the past where I know the guy has had much stronger feelings than I and I continued on, even though I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere. I think if you’re not into taking it any further with him, then you owe it to him and yourself to end things.
You don’t have to take back your i love you – that’s not really necessary and would cause far more pain than anything else I reckon.
Maybe you could tell him you need some time to yourself and try to take this lesson on board. When you’re dealing with another’s feelings, it’s simply unfair to lie, etc.(these are your issues and patterns afterall) I’m not judging as I’ve had to learn & still am learning how to change my relationship ways myself. This is more about you than it is him at the end of the day.
Best of luck with it.

Marva's avatar

Love is much less hard to get to than considered. If you have feelings towards him, and you want to stay, you probably love him. Do you feel love to certain things he does or says? That’s love.
“This is the relationship I am looking for” has very little to do with Love.
You can love a person for who they are and what you share, and still decide the relationship in not in coherence with your needs.
Sometimes even if the relationship is not “what you are looking for” it still serves a ceratin purpose or need in your life for a certain amount of time, even if you weren’t aware of those needs. That could be the reason why you are not ready to let go of the relationship.

So basically, you love him, you are not crazy over him, you have your reasons to stay, just relax and let things happen.
The only thing you might want to do is to tell him, that despite the fact you have feelings towards him, you don’t see your relationship going long-term. This way you are not leading him on, and you stop feeling like a liar.

Be comfortable with yourself about this, you have definitly not “invented the wheel” on this one…...

Keysha's avatar

Taking it back would be cruel.

But people do change, and you can simply not love as you thought you did. Don’t take back, simply stop lying at this point. You said yourself you believed you were in love, for a time. That is not a lie, not something to ‘take back’. It is simply something that you no longer feel.

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