Social Question

poofandmook's avatar

Would you give a new friend a second chance?

Asked by poofandmook (17272points) July 21st, 2010

I work with this guy who I recently became friends with. We hung out once outside of work, and we text every now and then.

I told him something that I specifically told him not to repeat. It wasn’t an earth-shattering thing, but it was something I needed to tell someone else we work with, and on my time. He swore up and down.

Then when I finally talked to the person I confided in new friend about, she told me that he’d already told her.

So I texted him and ripped him for it, and he said he didn’t realize he wasn’t supposed to say anything and he feels utterly horrible and he forgot I asked him not to say anything, blah blah, the whole 9.

Today was the first time I saw him since, and I wouldn’t look at him, told him I was pissed, told him that when someone betrays me like that, I’m done. That’s one of the few things you don’t screw with me about.

He’s such a new friend though, I wonder if I should give him another chance because maybe it was a fluke. I also wonder if maybe, as a new friend, I SHOULDN’T give him another chance because I learned early on that he can’t be trusted.

I’m a little torn… what would you do?

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23 Answers

YARNLADY's avatar

Give him another chance, be friendly, but never trust him again.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I would give him another chance.We all make mistakes.
Would I confide in him anymore?Not a f’n chance! Well,maybe ;)

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Give him another chance as a friend but don’t count on him to keep confidences.

poofandmook's avatar

But isn’t that the very definition of a friend? Someone you can trust?

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

As a friend once said, “A secret is no longer a secret if you tell one person.” If you like this person, don’t give up on him. Just know the boundaries.

stardust's avatar

Don’t rule friendship out. Like the others have said, I’d thread carefully where trust is concerned.

jazmina88's avatar

You can be pals…...but what do they say…...???
cross me once…..shame on you
cross me twice…..shame on me.

Know his limits.

BoBo1946's avatar

yes, and the friend would have to earn the trust back again! Until then, would not trust the person.

dpworkin's avatar

You may be able to enjoy doing social things or amusing things with him, but If it were me I would wait a good long time before confiding in him again.

Luffle's avatar

It depends on what you told him. You should use your judgment to see if someone with any sort of common sense would have kept it to himself (ie. gossip about others, terrible secret, etc.) or something that may be mistaken for general information (ie. moving to another city, ideas on a new project).

I would give him another chance to be a friend but be cautious about what you say to him. He seems to have a short term memory about keeping promises if he swore up and down he wouldn’t say anything.

Aster's avatar

sure; what @YARNLADY said.

janbb's avatar

Acquaintances – yes, but let him earn your friendship back (or not) over time.

SuperMouse's avatar

I see no reason to be anything but polite to this guy, but as far as continuing to nurture a friendship, I probably wouldn’t. Even if you hadn’t told him not to tell anyone, what is his reasoning behind sharing what you said? If this was juicy gossip, common sense would say he should have kept it to himself. If it was just some mundane information, why even bother sharing it? The conversation you had was between the two of you, there is really no reason for him to be discussing with anyone. Trust issues out of the gate? Not a good sign for a budding friendship.

anartist's avatar

Perhaps this will be a lesson in discretion for you. You tell something you want to be kept private for x time to a brand new acquaintance. It seems he he respected the confidentiality of it about as much as you did. Give him another chance. Yours was the far greater error.

perspicacious's avatar

I doubt I would have shared such a secret with a new friend to start with.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’m with @janbb, keep him as an acquaintance until he proves he is trustworthy/friendworthy.

janbb's avatar

or even spongeworthy.

AmWiser's avatar

You said ’told him I was pissed, told him that when someone betrays me like that, I’m done. That’s one of the few things you don’t screw with me about’.

There seems to be something about this person that makes you really want to be friends with him.

So either stay true to yourself or admit you can be a forgiving human being and give a person a second chance.

woodcutter's avatar

yes, but that’s about it. watch your ass around them if it is worth it to ya.

poofandmook's avatar

@anartist: I told him a good deal in part to get his opinion. I started dating someone who went out with a co-worker twice about a year ago, and I found out after we were already seeing each other. The new friend has been longtime friends with this co-worker, so I asked him if he thought she’d be pissed about it. Ultimately, my life doesn’t concern her, but in the interest of being a decent person, I didn’t want the new guy showing up at my work or something and running into her and starting a big mess, you know? I wanted to tell her about it just to make sure she wasn’t going to go psycho if she found out on her own. New Friend told me that he didn’t think she’d care, that she wasn’t like that. And then I said, “Okay, but don’t tell her… I want to do it myself.” So it wasn’t even as much that I confided a secret in him, but I asked for his advice. I don’t see that as disrespecting confidentiality… it’s a different type of situation.

@AmWiser: It’s not that I really want to be friends with him, it’s that he seems genuinely sorry and surprisingly upset that I’m mad, and I almost feel bad for being mad at him. I’m not good at standing my ground unless the person is being a dick. If they’re actually appearing to be human, I commonly give in, and that’s probably why I get walked over so much.

anartist's avatar

@poofandmook be more careful next time. You wanted to tell someone without the person hearing it second-hand first. You chose to consult a person whose loyalties were likely to be stronger with his longtime friend than with his new friend. You both made errors of discretion. But it looks like nothing bad came of it all, possibly because he meant no ill-will in telling her and may have known her well enough to know she wouldn’t mind, and you meant no ill will in consulting him.

Definitely give your friend another chance [unless he is merely an acquaintance you befriended specifically for the purpose of getting her take on it]. You both made errors of discretion but nothing ill came of it. Perhaps discuss it without blaming anyone.

hotgirl67's avatar

I would give him another chance.Just don’t tell him anything you wouldn’t want anybody else to know.Keep it friendly.

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