Social Question

tedd's avatar

Is it "faux pas" or bad in general to take a person other than your SO to a wedding?

Asked by tedd (14053points) August 10th, 2010

I’m going to a friends wedding the first weekend in September. My girlfriend is moving back to college the week prior to that, and doesn’t want to leave school the first weekend back and miss out on meeting new people in her new dorm. I wish she could go and am sad she can’t, but I understand. So the idea occurred to me that I could just take a female friend of mine (no one in particular, just that I could take someone else since the g/f couldn’t go). Well I jokingly asked my g/f if she would be upset if I took someone else, fully expecting a sarcastic response about how she would be heartbroken or something… and much to my surprise she really was very upset.

In particular, her first response/question was to ask if I would take a specific girl. To which I replied that the thought had occurred to me (which as I had stated before, I had thought about it but no one in particular struck my mind). Quick back ground about that specific girl (we’ll call her tina)... my g/f and I broke up for about 2 weeks around 2 months ago. Huge fight, yada yada, thats not the pertinent part. During our “separation” at the great insistence of a friend of mine I went on a “date” with Tina (we got coffee and talked for like an hour). I honestly didn’t want to go, but I knew I couldn’t sit there and pine over my g/f. I didn’t forsee any romantic future with Tina (at least anytime in the near future as I was and still am thoroughly in love with the g/f) but she was a really nice/cool person so I continued the friendship aspect from there. We’ve hung out a few times and chat via text. Early on Tina still had the inclination that this may end up romantic, but I told her that I wasn’t over my g/f, and then when the g/f and I got back together I told her we were trying to work things out (which is where we are now).

Its worth noting that Tina would know myself and two other guests at the wedding, and I know many of the people who will be in attendance. Ignoring for the moment that I hadn’t picked any particular girl, let alone Tina, or let alone that I would go with anyone else, am I in the wrong for thinking its ok to take someone who isn’t my SO to a wedding, even if its someone like Tina.

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47 Answers

truecomedian's avatar

Sounds like your girlfriend has a problem with you taking another girl to this wedding. So unless you want to piss off the girlfriend, don’t take any chicks, especially Tina.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I am married and have guy friends for many years that I have gone to weddings and other events with.As for your own situation??/your girlfriend is going to beat your a$$ or fire you… good luck and always wear a helmet ;)

Cruiser's avatar

Bottom line is I feel you are up to no good in wanting to bring this Tina who you dated when you broke up with your current squeeze. You are playing a dangerous game with your current S/O. You ain’t fooling nobody here but yourself.

LuckyGuy's avatar

When you and Tina get a little drunk and end up in a compromising position, which will you blame: the alcohol, your g/f, the wedding party or the weather?
Come on. You know the score.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Can’t you go by yourself rather? Not a good idea to take Tina.

truecomedian's avatar

I got hypnotized at a wedding reception once, ended up coming to, singing Bobby Brown by Frank Zappa in the driveway. It was fuckin’ weird.

tedd's avatar

@Cruiser I assure you there’s no nefarious intentions. And I never “dated” Tina, we went on one “date” and honestly I don’t know that I would call it that. There was never any romantic link between Tina and myself.

@worriedguy I don’t cheat. Never have never will. Helping in that, I don’t drink alcohol and neither does Tina. Me because I never have and never will, she because she’s a recovering alcoholic. Furthermore I just don’t see her like that.

@ZEPHYRA I can go by myself, and in fact very well may have just as easily decided to go by myself. But now i’m honestly offended that I’m not “allowed” to take a friend, because apparently this is 5th grade camp and if I hang out with a girl I must be dating her.

MacBean's avatar

I think your girlfriend is too possessive/jealous, and that usually ends up being bad news.

CMaz's avatar

Its lazy and selfish. A petty priority, putting a wedding above your SO.

truecomedian's avatar

It’s a small world after all, not a perfect one. Use your common sense you knew the answer to this question before you asked it. But it’s still fun to ask, huh?

tedd's avatar

@ChazMaz Knowing now how much it would offend her I obviously am not going to take anyone. The fluther thread is more to see whether or not I’m crazy in thinking its no big deal to take a friend since she can’t go.

CMaz's avatar

“to see whether or not I’m crazy in thinking its no big deal ”

It is always a big deal when it comes to women. This is your moment to prove something to her. And she expecting you to.

It’s one of those, “do you think I am fat” moments.

Cruiser's avatar

@tedd You can color it anyway you want to attempt to justify your wandering eye during your “break-up” but come on….you are talking to the Cruiser here….your words…“I went on a “date” with Tina” you went on a Man-hunt with Tina and now you want another crack at her…just admit it and you will feel better about yourself.

tedd's avatar

@Cruiser For serious…. no romantic intentions. I promise. Thats why I put “date” instead of date. Besides its not my style to “shop around” while I’m still with someone. If I didn’t want to be with my g/f or wanted to be with someone else, I would just break up with her. I never understood the purpose in tap dancing around it.

@ChazMaz Everything is crazy with women… got it :)

misstrikcy's avatar

Girls point of view….

It is sooooo NOT ok for you to take another ‘girl’ to a wedding, if you already have a girlfriend.
Do you normally find husbands/partners taking randoms to weddings to fill in for missing guests….? Dont think so…
It’s a wedding… it’s formal. For formal events take your partner or go on your own.

Listen, you’re not crazy… but you are a bloke and you think VERY differently to us.
It is difficult for you to understand but this will always be a big deal to a girl, always.

truecomedian's avatar

@tedd
By “she” you mean your girlfriend. Yeah you should be able to take someone. But maybe a girl that you have that kind of history with is not the sane choice. Your pressing your luck, testing your girlfriend. I take it it’s a long distance relationship, those come with a different set of rules. Girls get catty, if you love your girl, then don’t piss her off.

MacBean's avatar

Do you normally find husbands/partners taking randoms to weddings to fill in for missing guests….? Dont think so…

Really? Huh. Well, it sounds like @tedd and I and everyone I know are in the minority…

tedd's avatar

@MacBean Agreed. My older brother went with an old female friend of his to a wedding just a few weeks ago, just as friends. She’s married and he has a g/f.

KatawaGrey's avatar

I am a woman and if my boyfriend wanted to take a female friend of his to a formal event that I couldn’t attend, I wouldn’t have a problem with it unless it was like the Tina situation. If he wanted to take a girl he had dated read: gone on a date with and who had been interested in, especially if it was during the time we were broken up, I would not be happy. I also wouldn’t be happy if he took someone else when I could and wanted to go. However, in the situation you described, I think your gf is over-reacting hugely. I would say you could talk to her about why she feels that way, don’t take Tina, and maybe consider taking a girl who has a boyfriend already so that there’s less chance of her hitting on you.

theichibun's avatar

Normally I’d say it’s not a big deal. But you want to bring someone that you went on a date with while you and your GF were broken up. That is a big deal. Don’t go to the wedding with Tina.

MacBean's avatar

Whew. Thanks, @KatawaGrey. For a minute there, I thought all the sensible people in the world had disappeared.

Maybe people are confused? You’re going to the wedding as guests, not as the bride and groom…

truecomedian's avatar

Take me, I’ll get really drunk and make everyone look better by comparison. It’s actually a business idea I had, called “Life of the Party” Basically being a professional partier. Work a little damage control, tell some jokes, pay a couple compliments to the shy girls, I don’t know, I thought it was a good idea at the time. And then I find out this business already exists.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

In general, and based upon the fact that your SO is not available to go with you, I’d hope it would be fine for you to take someone else. You also deserve some credit for asking your SO how she would feel about it first.

For me, the problem is with the choice of Tina.
* Your SO has made it clear that she would be upset if you took Tina.
* “I didn’t forsee any romantic future with Tina (at least anytime in the near future…)” to me translates into, “I’d call on Tina if my GF and I ever break up.”
* “We’ve hung out a few times and chat via text.” Sometimes, no matter what your intentions are, this behavior can generate jealously on an SO’s part.
* “Early on Tina still had the inclination that this may end up romantic…” When someone communicates more interest than the other person, it’s best to back off. Otherwise, it’s like picking at a scab. And in this case, Tina is the one with the scab, and your the one picking at it.
* “I never understood the purpose in tap dancing around it.” Ironically, it feels like this situation is a big tap-dance, and you are the one doing it.

tedd's avatar

@theichibun @KatawaGrey I think the “date” with Tina thing is being blown gravely out of proportion. I honestly hesitate to call it a date, and really only do because I went under the goading of a friend of mine that I go on a “date” with Tina and stop pining over the g/f.

Moreover I hadn’t “decided” to take Tina or any other girl for that matter. When I asked my g/f about it, she immediately asked if I was going to take Tina before I even really had time to think about who if anyone else I would take.

Frenchfry's avatar

Why can’t you take a guy friend ? Why would you have to take a girl? Depends how long you have had your current girlfriend. Whether the trust is there. I would not take the chance. Go alone or take a cousin or family or guy friend. Seriously.

theichibun's avatar

It doesn’t matter how you think of it. It matters how your GF thinks of it. She doesn’t want you to take Tina. I know it probably wasn’t a big deal. But I’m not your GF.

KatawaGrey's avatar

@tedd: It’s not about whether or not it was an actual date. Your girlfriend would be very unhappy if you took her which is the issue here and I believe she is not at all unreasonable in regards to this issue. However, it is unreasonable for her to expect you not to take a friend of yours, even if that friend happens to have a vagina.

@MacBean: I know, right? I’ve got your back. :)

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Is her concern even about “the date”? It took place during the break, and the explanation of how it occurred and what happened during it should be no reason to give her anything to worry about. The point I’m trying to make is that other things have occurred between you and Tina since the initial meeting. So, for me, it’s not about the date.

stardust's avatar

In general, I don’t see nay problem with bringing a friend along instead of your s/o. However, I can understand why your g/f would be upset about you bringing Tina. It’s fairly plain to see why and I’m sure you can understand that yourself.

YARNLADY's avatar

In my mind, an exclusive relationship is exactly that – exclusive. That means no going with others on the side. When I first read the question, I thought you meant a guy friend, which would be just fine.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Were you and your gf both invited to the wedding? Unless it’s stated then it’s bad form to invite a date along, especially someone the bride and groom don’t know. Most wedding ceremonies aren’t for the invited and “their guest”, it’s an invitation only event to be celebrated by people who know the bride and groom.

tedd's avatar

@Neizvestnaya It was an invitation to me and a guest, she was not specifically invited no. My g/f while familiar with most of my friends and a lot of people who will be there, doesn’t know them terribly well, and hence did not receive a direct invite. Also, when the invites were sent out a few months back, the g/f and I were separated and there was no guarantee at that point we would get back together.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@tedd- if your invitation says “and guest” then you can take anyone. Are you asking if it’s bad form to take someone else other than your gf because of what others would think or what your gf would think? Your post reads to me as if your gf doesn’t like the idea of you taking any other girl so unless you’re adamant about making a point then I’d say go alone.

Seaofclouds's avatar

I am like @KatawaGrey. If my husband and I were invited to a wedding that I couldn’t attend and he wanted to have a female friend go with him, I’d be okay with it. If he explained the female to me the way you explained Tina above, I would be uncomfortable with it. While nothing happened with Tina, you explicitly wrote “at least anytime in the near future”. To me, that means there was something there and you just chose not to act on it at that time.

You may want to talk to your girlfriend about the situation in general though sometime in the future to find out exactly where she stands on you and female friends though. If she was only upset because of Tina, that’s one thing, but if she is completely against you doing things with other females, that’s something else entirely.

KatawaGrey's avatar

@YARNLADY: How is taking a friend to a wedding violating the exclusivity of a relationship? I wouldn’t say that the gender of that friend violates the exclusivity.

YARNLADY's avatar

@KatawaGrey While I agree with your interpretation, the S/O apparently does not and that is the only thing that counts.

KatawaGrey's avatar

@YARNLADY: I disagree. I think her feelings about her SO are more a reflection on her own insecurities than on his faithfulness. I think it is inappropriate for anyone to forbid his/her SO from doing something.

YARNLADY's avatar

@KatawaGrey That is such an interesting question – who should respect whose point of view. When there is a difference of opinion, it can lead to a huge issue.

I am reminded of a time early in our relationship, when my husband completely disregarded my opinion, because he honestly believed it was irrelevant. I had a hard time accepting that this can happen, even between loving partners.

KatawaGrey's avatar

@YARNLADY: Ah, there’s a difference between putting forth your opinion in a relationship and actively forbidding your SO from doing something.

Edit to add: I think he shouldn’t take a lady friend in this instance because it bothers her so much but I think he needs to sit down and talk to her about it.

nicoleromstadt's avatar

“Any time in the near future”? Bad sign there.

If your g/f guessed who you were interested in taking right away—then obviously she has an inclination that something is there. I think you owe it to her to be honest. If you really thought of taking this girl (above other, long term friends), and your desire to take her was strong enough for you to argue with your girlfriend over… then that’s a problem.

Also, I can’t understand why you need to take a date to a wedding where I’m assuming you know many of the guests/are good friends with them. I can’t understand why you would need to take a girl who isn’t friends with the bride/groom and doesn’t know any of the guests. That’s something that you bring a s/o to… not because they would enjoy it, but because you would enjoy them being there. Are you taking this girl because you want a chance to enjoy her company without your girlfriend around? Why would “Tina” want to go… other than the fact that inviting her to a formal occassion where your girlfriend won’t be will likely lead her on. She had feelings for you and expressed them? This will only give her hope. Is that what you want?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@nicoleromstadt – yeah, what she said.

tedd's avatar

Maybe we could add a little side not for prospective.

Whilst the g/f and I were separated, she made out with a boy, whom we’ll call Frank. She told me this upon us getting back together, and as much as it saddened me I obviously couldn’t be upset with her about it. So I moved on. Well a few weeks ago she tells me she’s going to take a trip out of town to visit Frank because she promised to do so at the start of the summer (he stayed at school while she returned home). Even though I’m not at all comfortable with the idea of her going and visiting him alone, I bite my tongue and let it slide because she assures me she won’t be staying the night or anything and I have nothing to worry about.

Well that night she calls me and says that its apparently so late that her mother is demanding she just stay there because she doesn’t feel its safe to drive home so late. At this point I’m not at all happy…. But I again, bite my tongue and let it go…. because I TRUST my g/f to not be fooling around with Frank…. even though they are now in a very questionable situation.

Does this make it seem a little less demanding that I might find it alright to CONSIDER taking Tina to a very public wedding with friends?

Seaofclouds's avatar

@tedd That just shows that the two of you see things a little bit differently. While you were uncomfortable, you bit your tongue. Your girlfriend did not. If you would have voiced your opinions and feelings, who knows what she would have said or done. Perhaps she wouldn’t have gone out of respect for you or perhaps she would have gotten a hotel instead of staying with him. You’ll never know at this point. You might consider it alright to take Tina, but the point still remains that your girlfriend does not. For future reference, you need to talk to her to see if it’s just Tina she objects to or all females in general.

tedd's avatar

@Seaofclouds No she was well aware of my discomfort, and I did tell her I wasn’t comfortable with it. I just didn’t turn it into an argument. And as of two days ago when first brought up, it was me taking any female that wasn’t already invited to the wedding. As of yesterday it was just Tina.

MacBean's avatar

@tedd She sounds selfish and controlling to me. :(

Seaofclouds's avatar

@tedd If you told her your feelings and she completely disregarded them, it shows you a bit about her feelings towards you. You are being given a glimpse of what the future will hold for your relationship. I agree with @MacBean, she does sound selfish and controlling.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

re: Your sidenote
It sounds to me as if you two have given each other enough to cause mutual suspicion so trying to make a point isn’t going to go anywhere except dig you further in. If you two had never given any reason to question each other’s behavior then it would seem unreasonable for your gf to rule out all female friends. I suspect she feels you’ve given her reason not to trust you in the past and she is showing you the same behavior in return which doesn’t do any good.

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