Sex addiction. A real mental health problem or just an excuse for cheaters?

Both.

Castration is an effective cure for sex addiction.

I’m sure it’s either or both for some. It interests me, this condition. I think that our brains are complex and that it is possible to have an addiction to sex like you can have an addiction to drugs. I think that for some, this is a debilitating lifestyle leading them into dangerous territory, consistently but they can’t stop, just like any other addict.

They have a big gapping hole (not those holes) and need to feel loved.

Sex addiction is a real mental health problem. Whether the cheater is an actual sex addict (and not just an asshole) is another question.

There’s no such thing as sex addiction. Animals are meant to be horny all the time. That’s where all those little critters running around come from. All people get horny, some just more than others.

“Animals are meant to be horny all the time.”
Unlike animals we have self control.

Or we truly would have reason to kill one another.

Self control; look into any ancient society/empire.

@Afos22 – sex addiction is when the impulses become so severe that they interfere with other aspects of your life in a negative fashion yet you still give into them. It is like drug addiction, overeating, and other addictions in that way…the pleasure you get from it creates a dependence and often a corresponding increasing tolerance. It is a behavioral addiction and is different from “horniness” or sexual impulses generally, and therefore is not subject to normal methods of self control.

Excuse.

@perspicacious – I fear that calling it an excuse automatically (although it very well may be an excuse in the end and not an addiction) is the same as saying alcoholism is not a disorder, but an excuse.

A mental illness, an excuse or a CHOICE????

@iamthemob good answer

@Afos22 back at you (although that’s sort of self serving in my case, isn’t it? :-))

Addiction is addiction at the end of the day.
Although, I think all of this labelling is getting out of hand.

Yes there is a cure…. It requires hard work. The issue is not you, as it began long before you came into the picture. More than likely he had family of origin issues. May have had some trauma’s and/or abuse. At any rate, what became something of excitement, in time turned to a demand that took him out of being able to control it. It became a brain addiction that spiraled downward, and took over. Even if he says he hates it and wants to stop, he cannot because of the brain chemicals demand their need to be met + his fantasy. It is the hardest addiction to break, harder than crack cocaine. It requires his going to counseling, group, having accountability, fire escapes and the like. It takes between 3 to 5½ years to walk into freedom, on the average, but he has to continue the work. He has to refrain from sex for 90 days since the last time he acted out. You yourself have to set boundaries and seek counseling as a co-addict. I am in my 7th year of doing Battle Lines at Second Baptist Church, Houston, Texas and have seen those men that have worked hard, be set free. It also requires a relationship with the Lord, in a real way, and work through some of the issues, via the way scripture describes in regard to forgiveness, repentance, lies that he believes and the like. He has to cut out all negatives – Cable – filters on porn – bad company and places – and the like…... yes there is a cure, for those that work hard at it. For those that do not, it ever increases and spirals even more downward…...

Sex addiction isn’t-.. I don’t know. There are so many mental problems out there. You have a mental problem if you like shopping too much, apperently. I mean.. what is that? The majority of men likely use it as an excuse. Men are good at excuses. They’re jerks in that way. If it’s really a disorder, it makes sense. The .. blah insert scientific name here serotonin .. estrogen.. something I don’t feel like looking up… or something like that that enters the brain during sex could easily have a defection to where the good feeling is multiplied for them. Or their brain sensories are sensitive to it, nerves ultra sensitive (Though I doubt this, because from what I’ve heard, sex is a sensation close to pain. So if the nerve endings were more sensitive, it would likely hurt.)

But as easy as that is, it’s probably easier for a guy to stray, wanting something new and hoping you’ll never find out, but keeping that as a backup plan just in case. If you think your man is a good liar, then maybe. if not, look for signs of lying. .. Could prolly look it up online, but one hint is when you look a certain way, a certain part of your brain is often stimulating creativity, while the opposite is memory. I can’t decide, and my computer is wayyyyyy too laggy right now to open a second window. (Sad, I know. Crazy computer scans… ) .. but that’s just one thing. And these types of things are never 100%, so.. I’unno.

You could try talking to him. Telling him you’d forgive him if he had strayed. If you would. ... I wouldn’t. >_> Often, the reason men feel the need to lie to their wives is because they do not want to lose them. This could be out of a “you’re MINE” factor, or a “You are the love of my life, and I’ve strayed for reasons that one may insert here:” He may not even know why he strayed, entirely. He may be trying to block himself out from how much of a jerk he’s been to you.

Anyway, I really hope you get this found out. I can’t imagine being put into a situation such as that. :s Although it’s likely I will one day. It happens often these days. I wish you luck and will power! Remember, it really depends on the man rather he’s concocting a devious lie or honestly having problems. Look back on your lives together, and you may find you know him well enough to know if he’s an easy liar or not. I know I’m good at lying. In fact, I have a way of acting like I’m bad at lying, so people believe my lies. I am SUCH a horrible person. xD Those good at it, tend to use it often to get out of things that are hard on them. That doesn’t mean he DID IT ON PURPOSE, if he is good. it’s just something to consider.

There has to be a way to scientifically prove it too, even if it might be.. uncomfortable to examine brain waves while aroused, in comparison to that of a normal person. .. If that’s how you do it. I really have no idea, but that seems like the most likely way to diagnose sexual addiction. .. Yeah?

@BattleLinesSBC

It also requires a relationship with the Lord, in a real way, and work through some of the issues, via the way scripture describes in regard to forgiveness, repentance, lies that he believes and the like.

Although I can respect how belief in a higher power of some sort is part of recovery for most (and is central to AA thinking), I don’t think it’s a requirement for recovery for all.

@BattleLinesSBC You mean non-Christians cannot be cured of a mental health problem?

It’s being a legitimate condition doesn’t make it an excuse.

@Saun You have some unhealthy ideas about men – you have to stop painting them as ‘jerks like that’.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – indeed. I would argue that everyone’s pretty good at excuses. I think it’s a universal skill.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies: A lot of sex addicts are not necessarily looking for sexual release, but rather physical comfort and closeness. Castration would not cure these problems, it would simply hurt the person. And would most probably traumatize them further and exacerbate underlying causes for their issues.

@Saun: You need to read more about the brain, psychology and disorders/addictions as well as treatments and diagnostics. Replying to everything I disagree with or want to correct in your post would seriously derail this thread.

I recommend watching a documentary on the subject, reading up on it and possibly speaking to a sex psych with or without your SO. My 100,000 Lovers is a BBC documentary following three sex addicts (you can find copies that are downloadable with some quick googling). If you call around to local health professionals or speak to your own doctor’s office they can give you resources for understanding the problem and help you get to a point where you can make an educated decision about the future of your relationship.

It’s not an easy choice, but being informed about it is the best move you can make. Particularly as you’re so ignorant of much of the addictions ins and outs.

There’s another issue as well, get yourself tested for STD’s, have him get tested if you can and understand that your life is in his hands, every time he steps out is another time you’re playing Russian roulette. If it were me, I’d run the fuck away. Or I’d at least break the relationship off until his life was in order. There’s no reason to put your future in the hands of someone incapable at least for the time being of properly caring for their own.

Good luck.

Sorry for three posts in a row.

Just realized you said ‘ex’, good. Still, get tested and steer clear for now.

@asmonet: It makes so much sense. I think it is plausible to correct any type of addictive behavior, but it depends on the person.

An addiction – like alcohol, drugs, shopping, food, etc. Though some people who get caught cheating may lie and say they have a sex addiction when they really don’t, to avoid responsibility for what they’ve done.

12 steps seem to help with many addictions, in combination with counseling.

@asmonet. I left the relationship as soon as I found out… I left for good. I have an apt schedule with my dr. And am also attending counseling. I’ll look that documentary up. I’ve become curious about this subject and want to learn more just to be precautious in future relationships.

Sexual activity is the most reinforcing thing there is for most adults. For some people, these urges gain control of their behaviour to such an extent that their life gets out of control.

Do cheaters use this as an excuse? Some do. Other cheaters use other excuses.

The condition is real whether people use it as an excuse or not.

Addicts and liars are groups that can overlap but need not.

Yes. There is such a thing as being addicted to sex. It is actually an addiction for a certain benefit one gets out of sex:
I know two men who use sex to avoid emotional pain, and a woman addicted to the illusion of love, care and self importance. Sex releases Dopamin in the brain which equals in our emotional system to being loved and appreciated. Many people are addicted to dopamin in may diffrent ways, some not diagnosed like a lot of over achievers who are addicted to success.

It does sound “convenient” when it comes to a man saying he is addicted to sex, but it is actually not. Usually, the person addicted experiences a lot of guilt and stress over his/her actions, that could also be an adddiction – some people are addicted to self-hate and criticism.

I believe it is important to relate to the addicted person with understanding and not reject them, when addicted to sex they pay a heavier price than a non-addicted person would imagine. Just imagine what it has been like for your husband to hide all of that going on throughout the years you were most inlove, to lie and hide his actions while knowing it isn’t fair to you, but still not be able to stop. It is a terrible situation to be in like any other addiction.

He needs help to get over his problem, and so do you- having found out so many years later and in need to learn how to accept and understand him, yet not to take upon yourself any blame.

It’s not an excuse. No one can say, “Oh, I couldn’t help it. I have a sex addiction.” We all have choices at every moment of our lives and it is always possible to stop yourself from going after sex.

However, for some people, the patterns of pursuit of sex and/or love (there is love addiction, as well), are extremely unhealthy. Naming this pattern of behavior as an addiction, allows us to treat ourselves as other addicts are treated—with support groups such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA).

Most people decide they are sex addicts when they’ve finally gotten caught. It is only at this moment, believe it or not, that they realize that they could lose everything because of this behavior. A lot of people are addicted to porn. Some masturbate continuously throughout the day. I think it’s pretty obvious how destructive this can be to their lives.

Others go to coffee shops and look at women until they find one who will look back at them. There are those who have a series of mistresses, and spend most of their time juggling all the things they’ve said to each, and trying to snatch bits of time to sneak away. It’s crazy.

Love addiction is related to sex addiction, but it doesn’t have to involve sex. It has its own conditions—usually where you use love in an unhealthy way to try to make yourself feel better. For women, this can be a series of bad relationships, where they let the men they are involved with run all over them. For both, it can be going from affair to affair, trying to get that high that comes from falling in love. It’s that old “is it infatuation or is it love” question, except the question doesn’t matter. You get high on one person, then you break up (this can happen in a couple of weeks), and then it’s off to the next. For me, each relationship took an average of a month.

They say that the high from falling in love is more intense than a heroin high. I believe it. Coming off that high is like tripping over the edge of a cliff and plummeting down the side of a mile high mountain into incredible darkness, hitting the bottom and rolling and rolling and hitting more and more rocks—far more than enough to kill you and yet, somehow, you still live. You’ll do anything to get that high again. Unless you just want to throw in the towel and do a real jump off a real cliff. Sometimes you feel both things at the same time. If this kind of pattern sounds a little familiar, you may not be surprised to find out that about half the people in the room have bipolar disorder.

Once they get caught, they usually get therapy, and the therapist will often suggest they join SLAA. Sometimes they find it on their own. Thereafter, it’s a standard 12-step program, except the addiction is different, and that requires some changes in order to be appropriate to the addiction.

Eventually, after you’ve been going for a while, you might get to the point where you set a “bottom line.” That’s a behavior you want to stop. You are “sober” if you haven’t engaged in your bottom line behavior.

The reason people call it a sex addiction, is that, whether or not it is in the DSM IV, it gives us a model in order to stop ourselves from doing these destructive things. We had a choice all along. There is no excuse for cheating. Maybe we can explain it. But excuses or explanations are not the point. The point is cheating is destructive, no matter what led to it.

It may be the acting out of an underlying problem in the relationship. It might be an attempt to compensate for your failures throughout your life. It might be a manic phase. There are so many things that can lead to it.

In my opinion, what matters after someone cheats is what they do to try to change their behavior. Their significant other may or may not want to maintain the relationship. Often they will make participation in SLAA a condition of keeping the relationship going.

What each couple does in these situations is up to them. You’d be surprised at how many don’t break up marriages as a result of cheating. At least, not without trying to fix things first. The fixes usually don’t work, but they do sometimes, so you never know which couples will fix it.

Most people clearly don’t understand the idea of sex addiction because they see it as an excuse. That can’t be helped. Sex addicts aren’t exactly clamoring to come forward and talk about what is going on. In fact, they want to keep things private not just because of shame, but also because of privacy concerns.

I think sex addiction is a useful concept. It provides a treatment model. It is annoying that people don’t understand it, but it is understandable that they don’t. Ya’ll can argue all you want about whether it’s a real thing or not. It doesn’t matter. Sincere people are still using it to make an effort to stop the destruction in their lives that is caused by their sexual “acting out.”

@iamthemob I don’t share that fear.

@perspicacious Thanks!

I am a current recovering sex addict. I am not saying one way or another that it is real, but from what I have learned in my recovery, I have found to be very helpful. I believe that sex addiction is real and yes Tiger Woods does have it, and I am not quite so sure about Jesse James. It is always a case of starting someone young out that is pressured into an adult atmosphere, Tiger Woods didn’t have a normal childhood and was probably sexually abused by various men, women, or both as a child, he grew up abnormal and pressured to be an adult before his time. Sexual impulses are normal to a point, it is when you have a problem where you feel you need sex to survive in this world on a constant basis, that you are out of control and require hours of self-pleasure or prostitutes just to get sex constantly, or anything else you may need to get your fix of sex. I decided it was time for me to get help about 4 years ago and I have had a huge battle with this problem, but I began to go to meetings, seeing counselors, and taking treatments for Adult ADD and depression which are also associated with most cases of sex addiction. Just to point out another fact of sexual addiction, the pornography industry is growing to more of these internet sites than people with access to the Internet. I would say that there is a problem here. And all of this coming from an addict.

I have written a book about how I became a sex addict and how it all starts. If you are interested enough and can hold back your stomach from disgust then I encourage you to read it. For me this was normal, and it is normal for all sex addicts. So if you can relate to the issues I present in this book, then take another look at Tiger Woods and Jesse James and ask yourself if they are in the same boat.

http://www.trafford.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-000185231

It’s a stigma associated with the desire to have lots of sex with more than one partner, a bad stigma instituted by societies centuries (if not millenia ago) to prevent other issues that arise when everyone just sleeps around.

Animals brains are wired to sleep with many partners in order to procreate and keep our species going. But since people have proven that they can’t satisfy those impulses responsibly, society created rules, and if you break those rules to be true to your primal self, you are considered a “jerk” “asshole” or “sex addict.”

It is not a mental disorder, it is an excuse for selfish lack of control.