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trailsillustrated's avatar

Is rude and condescending behaviour to a parent typical of teenage girls?

Asked by trailsillustrated (16799points) October 5th, 2010

ok I brought my daughter over to live with me and go to school. We are sending her to a really expensive college prep high school. She is required to keep her room tidy and do well in school, that is all. She has many friends and clothes and is living an american princess life. She gets mad if I try to help her with her homework, is impatient and rude with me over minor things, acting like I am impossibly stupid, cuts me off midsentence, and is just rude. I have told her she is not allowed to treat anyone in this house like that, I didn’t want to have a contentious relationship with her. What could be going on? Is this a sign of depression or something?

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30 Answers

iamthemob's avatar

It’s typical of a teenage anything.

Likeradar's avatar

Where did you bring her over from and where did you bring her to? Did you have a close, positive relationship with her prior to her living with you?
Adolescence can be very hard without the recent changes she’s been through.

jrpowell's avatar

That is pretty typical. Boys are the same way too. They grow out of it.

trailsillustrated's avatar

@Likeradar I brought her from australia, its a long story but no I didnt much of a relationship with her until she came here pretty much, I couldnt find her until the last couple years.

Likeradar's avatar

@trailsillustrated How long has she been living with you? Are you, as a family, getting any help with the adjustment? I imagine you can remember when you were a teenager. Imagine being plucked from the life you know, being moved across continents, and living with a parent who is an essential stranger.
It’s not ok for her to be rude, but it sounds like there might be more going on than just typical teenage attitude.

trailsillustrated's avatar

@Likeradar I am making an appointment to see her school counselor. I have had some long talks with her, and it was her decision and wish to come here. She has been here since February.

marinelife's avatar

You need some family counseling.

Consider establishing a contract for her behavior with her. Use as consequences things that are important to her.

Do not despair. Have you told her that you loved her? She has been through a lot.

trailsillustrated's avatar

@marinelife I tell her that I love her everyday except for last night when I was so cross with her rudeness I just left the room. I don’t know if it’s a teenage thing or if she has some sort of problem

gorillapaws's avatar

You might want to consider trying to find an activity that you can both bond together with. It might help you guys grow closer. I also agree that you guys should see a family counselor.

Likeradar's avatar

@trailsillustrated Her “problem” is very likely that her life has been turned upside down. @marinelife has it right- family counseling ftw.

trailsillustrated's avatar

thanks – I will make an appointment- she told me that they went to family counseling back there and ‘it didn’t do anything’.

gorillapaws's avatar

@trailsillustrated you may have to shop around to find a councilor that works best for your family.

Likeradar's avatar

Counseling doesn’t do anything. People in counseling do.

Please remember that your daughter may not give a rat’s ass about how expensive her school is or how princessy her life is if she feels unloved, confused, and alone.
I hope things work out.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Don’t most teenagers go through a stage where they ‘realize’ that they are smarter than their parents? If she is doing well in school and is not asking for assistance with her homework, I can understand how she might get bent out of shape with your offers. Impatience, rudeness, and cutting you off is not acceptable behavior to you or anyone else. Has she ever been punished for this by either parent?

meiosis's avatar

I was a nightmare to my mother when I was a teenager. Thankfully, she had brought me up with a decent moral compass so when I came out the other side, having done and said many terrible things, I was still a relatively pleasant human being. I think that’s the best that parents can wish for – that their children will come through the adolesence unscathed. Good luck.

jrpowell's avatar

Maybe giving her the “princess” life is making her act like one. Make her do the dishes after school and do yard work on the weekends.

Kardamom's avatar

It sounds like most of the problem does stem from the fact that you were separated from her for quite a long time and weren’t “raising” her during that time. She learned what was “right and wrong” from her other parent/guardian, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that she learned good manners and proper ways to treat people (you). I think she probably resents you, even though you may not have lost contact with her on purpose. You probably should get a little bit of counseling sessions so you can both learn new ways to communicate without resulting to rudeness (her). Good luck to you, I feel for you : )

trailsillustrated's avatar

thanks, evabody, @Likeradar she chose the school herself after perusing them all summer, she could have gone to the local public high school.

bigjay's avatar

Hi.While the others may be right in saying that this is an emotional response to being isolated from you for so long, there may be other issues at play here. For all you know, her so called friends may just be a facade and in reality she is having problems adjusting to the different environment. There may be boy issues – she may be flustered over rejection or betrayal. It may also be related to self-doubt – i know quite a few teenagers who have low self esteem and believe they are not living up to themselves or their parents, and they take this out on those people around them who try to get close. They create a barrier between themselves and whoever tries to help them, thinking that it is a problem which only they can figure out and others will just get in the way. Now i dont claim to be an expert on teen angst and psychology, but being young myself, i know how many shades of grey the adolescent mind can be.

YellowsubmarineOnfluther's avatar

Your experiencing horomones and a perspective of how a teenage daughter feels about parents, its completly normal she will grow out of it, but please dont ask her if she is depressed or make her think she is depressed from this, or your just going to have similar problems, but problems indeed. Remain patient at the same time firm, kids need parents and when shes older she will understand this and thank you.

MissAnthrope's avatar

Teenagers can be evil little creatures, so being sassy, moody, angry, mouthy.. that’s all fairly typical. Other people have given really great advice. Counseling sounds like a good idea, it may help to have an impartial party there, rather than just trying to talk to her on your own.

Like @meiosis, I was, I think, a difficult teenager. But I remember how emotional, painful, and confusing things were. Like my brain hadn’t quite caught up yet and I didn’t know what was going on or how to handle it. I think that is part of the attitude problem – no frame of reference or experience. I hope you get things more peaceful in your house! Sounds quite the opposite of fun.

ArtsyFartsy23's avatar

It is absolutely normal for teenagers to be rude and moody.However, your daughter’s mouthy-ness is most likely due to the change she has recently undergone by moving into your home and going to a new school, however luxurious it may be. I would definitely try counseling in order to get to the root of the problem and try to solve it. I hope all will be peaceful in your home soon!

BBSDTfamily's avatar

You’re giving her too many privileges and requiring too little responsibilities. Her two responsibilities shouldn’t only be to keep her room tidy and do well in school. She should treat her mother with respect and appreciation. If she doesn’t, stop giving her everything that a “princess” would have. She is unappreciative and disrespectful, and it is your job as her mom to giver her those life skills.

Palindrome's avatar

I agree with @BBSDTfamily about her not having enough responsibilities.
I’m going to be real.
I’m a teen (age of 17) & the only time I non-intentionally get rude with my mom is if she’s nagging or if I’m pms’ing and she’s just really aggravating me. I’m never intentionally rude to my mom because I know how it hurts her sometimes and also because I respect my mom. The reason why I say it’s non-intentional is because it’s almost as a natural reaction to certain situations. If you ask me, I believe the issue here is respect. I don’t think she has enough respect for you to reply to things you say in a kind or civilized manner. My mother made me and my brother respect her at a very early age. Your status is superior and she should learn to respect that. I also would agree with @gorillapaws with finding an activity you both like so you can possibly establish that respect that was never instilled.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

As a teenager, I was rude and condescending to my mother because she was so to me.

Trillian's avatar

She will act in whatever manner she is allowed to act. Anything you see in behviour is learned, and can be unlearned

filmfann's avatar

When children are infants, their parents are always concerned with keeping them safe. They constantly check on the kids to make sure they haven’t choked, vomited, pooped, or died from SIDS.
When children are teens, it is all their parents can do to stop from killing them.

augustlan's avatar

I have three teenagers (well, the youngest won’t be a teenager until December), and this is definitely pretty normal behavior. That doesn’t mean you have to accept it, but I do think you might want to expect it. It no longer shocks me, but I cut it off at the pass anyway.

However, given your specific situation, it would be really hard to tell how much of this is normal teenage stuff and how much is due to a huge life change.

mowens's avatar

Bill Cosby said it best: Children have brain damage.

jca's avatar

From what I have heard from my friends with teens, this is normal. I also remember when I was a teen, I was not rude but I did fight with my mom a lot over going out, being independent, who my friends were, etc. I hear that raising teen girls is especially hard for the way they act. If i were you, however, I would be more demanding of respect from her. I would tell her that you don’t speak to her like that and you don’t expect her to speak like that to you. I would tell her that if she is mad about something, you all can discuss it but there’s no need for rudeness. Also, as far as counseling, I think she should have some sessions on her own, where she can discuss with the therapist what’s bothering her without you being there. It will also help her bond with the therapist, so it’s not like she feels it’s you and the therapist against her.

And I’ll ask you what I try to ask a lot of people who come to Fluther with dilemmas of all sorts: Please feel free to post an update to let us know the outcome, if you wish.

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