Social Question

Akua's avatar

How long should you date a guy before you have sex with him? A month? Two? Three?

Asked by Akua (4725points) October 7th, 2010

This topic was brought up at work. How long should a woman date a man before she has sex with him? If she does it within the first week is she a slut? If she makes him wait a month or two, will he respect her more? Does figuring out when the best time to have sex really matter or should we not put limitations on physical expression and just do what feels natural regardless of when you feel it? (Observing all precautions of course).

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60 Answers

Seaofclouds's avatar

It depends on the people and what they want out of the relationship. There really isn’t any set timeline for it. Whenever the timing feels right and both people are okay with it, that’s when they should do it (not before then).

Nullo's avatar

Preferably, you ought to be married first.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

People will always label one a slut depending on how prudish they are, themselves. I think it’s up to the woman and the man she chooses to sleep with. If they wish, they can sleep immediately – if he’s someone who’ll think she’s a slut for that, she should think he’s a slut for it too and move the hell on from that superficiality.

wgallios's avatar

I would say from a guy standpoint, I’m sure every guy would want it as soon as possible, but I feel like its sort of like a bottle rocket then. It happens real fast, some quick oh and ah’s, and then you’re over it. However when that tension builds up over a month, then it makes it even better because you both can’t wait.

But I do feel there is a point where it becomes too much time, for me that happens about a month and a half when I start to get bored with it. Sometimes that “engine” just wont start. I think its probably best to just feel it out. If you both are wanting to, no need to go by some arbitrary length of time.

deni's avatar

Whenever you want to have sex with him!!! Exactly what @Simone_De_Beauvoir said too, if you want to have sex with him that night but know he’ll think you’re slutty for it, you should probably be avoiding him in the first place. My first boyfriend, we waited like 8 months. This current relationship, it was after a week. I think it should come naturally. And that can be at any time.

marinelife's avatar

It totally depends on the relationship and the two people involved, With some guys, you may never want to have sex with them. With some guys, it may happen really fast. Why look for an arbitrary time limit?

iamthemob's avatar

@deni and @Simone_De_Beauvoir have got it down. If you’re worried that he’s gonna think poorly of you because you wanted to get some, then he’s a dick, and you needn’t deal with him.

judochop's avatar

time is only an option. You don’t have to wait. The right time will find itself.

Akua's avatar

@Nullo are you SERIOUS?!?!? LOL.

Zyx's avatar

@Akua He might be, crazy sex leads to bad decisions.
I AIN’T MAD AT IT THOUGH.

Akua's avatar

@Zyx oh yea, I stay up nights regretting all that crazy sex I had in the past (yea right).

Scooby's avatar

I prefer to make love :-/
Usually after getting to know a woman over a period of months, preferably! But if it’s just sex they’re after, they can call me anytime ;-)

Response moderated (Spam)
Akua's avatar

@deni @Simone_De_Beauvoir @iamthemob @marinelife @wgallios and everyone else who gave similar responses, THANKS! I don’t think waiting some arbitrary time helps the relationship at all, so I dont have any idea why so many women have those rules about waiting to give him some. I have had sex with most of my ex’s within a week of meeting them and I have no regrets. Actually having sex sooner seems to help me because getting the sex out of the way relieves a lot of tension, and then I can focus on what he’s actually saying. Clears the head.

deni's avatar

@Akua thats a good point! all that built up tension and thoughts of “whens it gonna happen?” “should i do it” make for a really stressful time!

iamthemob's avatar

@Akua, @deni – that’s kind of how I roll with the “good night kiss.” I try, as much as possible, to make it more of a “hello” kiss. SOO much awkwardness immediately out of the way.

mrentropy's avatar

32 minutes.

Akua's avatar

@mrentropy You mean 32 minutes to wait for sex? Good. If a sitcom can solve all there problems in 30, I should be able to solve mine in 32.

mrentropy's avatar

@Akua Yeah. The extra two minutes is the commercial buffer :D

Blackberry's avatar

@Nullo Lol….funny joke…..

It just depends on their chemistry. If I knew a woman was playing that stupid waiting game I would move on.

Loried2008's avatar

If you’re really caring this much about a time line, because of what people think, I’d go with wait till you’re married. If not then just go with what feels natural.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

I think it should happen spontaneously thats when its the best :)

KatawaGrey's avatar

Well, everything that I could say has already been said. You wait for as long as you want to wait. I had sex with my boyfriend on our first date and we’ve been together almost two years. It’s all up to you guys.

judochop's avatar

@mrentropy did you say commercial “fluffer?”

wundayatta's avatar

Don’t believe any of these people who say “go with the flow.” It is scientifically proven that if you have sex either before or after 23.6 days, you will be considered a slut or you will go to hell. Your choice. This is based on extensive studies of rhododendrons. Some people think that using rhododendrons to model human behavior is crazy, at best, but it is scientifically proven that flowers look pretty, just like girls.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

You can’t scientifically prove someone can go to hell.

iamthemob's avatar

@Mom2BDec2010

But you can scientifically prove someone’s a slut?

Crap. I’m not going to be able to use that word so flippantly now, am I?

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

@iamthemob I think it’s an opinion to consider someone a slut.

iamthemob's avatar

thank god…;-)

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Depends on what you want out of the interaction aside from sex.

Just sex: do it anytime and all you like.

Dating: get to know the person a little so you don’t hate yourself later if you realize you wasted good sex on a real jerk you only see a few times.

Relationship: have sex after you two have enough balls to talk about having sex, protection, STD’s, crazy ex’s on the periphery who might come around banging on the doors at 2am.

iamthemob's avatar

@Neizvestnaya

When is good sex ever a waste?

That said – I don’t see how the relationship category would be any different than the just sex one. The things you list on there should be something you have the balls to talk about at any time…

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@iamthemob: There is such a thing as giving good sex to someone who doesn’t give good sex back, giving them the benefit of the doubt before deciding they just suck as a person overall and not only with sex. If more people talked about pregnancy and STD’s protection up front then there wouldn’t be anonymous posts on the net about, “omg, did my fiancee give me (fill in the blanks)?” or _“I’m pregnant but not sure who the father is, should I tell the guy I’m seeing or wait until the baby is born?”

iamthemob's avatar

@Neizvestnaya

Oh, I know. But those people shouldn’t be having sex at all as far as I’m concerned.

Jabe73's avatar

Wait until marriage. I’m not so sure why this is looked upon so badly here. It seems the OP was looking for assurance to an opinion they’ve already made their mind up on judging by the way you thanked certain people who gave you the responses you wanted to hear. Sorry if my opinion is a joke to you as well but I’m just answering the question and it’s my honest opinion.

wundayatta's avatar

@Mom2BDec2010 I Scientisters can so, too! Hell is a proven fact. So is sex. So is the gestation of a mule. Oh. Wait. Mules can’t reproduce. Learned that from Isaac Asimov. Do you see what I’m saying? It’s all about the elements. And Dr. Watson. Elementary. Get it? Or do we have to go to school? Now I’ve cleared all that up. Where were we? Oh yes.

iamthemob's avatar

@Jabe73

I don’t think it’s a joke – but I think that it’s impractical if not a bad idea. Why do you think it’s preferable to wait until marriage?

Jabe73's avatar

@iamthemob Why do you think it’s a great idea not to wait? Am I the only one seeing all the problems our society is having out there because of this?

iamthemob's avatar

@Jabe73

Wow – alright, I’ll answer with an answer:

(1) Sexual compatibility in a long-term relationship is an important factor – not the only, but important.

(2) I believe marriage is a serious commitment, and you should make sure you’re with the right person – and most people aren’t really sure who THEY are before they’re 25. I don’t really know how many people will realistically stay virgins until they’re 30 or so. If they really need to wait until marriage, they’re hormones are inevitably going to rush the decision.

(3) There’s nothing shameful or holy about sex, so why should you wait until the one person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with.

Now you. ;-)

Trillian's avatar

Allow me to weigh in with the minority here. My thoughts are that it depends on what type of relationship you are after. (I say “you” in the figurative sense.) If you want something that has lots of intense sex for a short time and then to move on, go for it.
If you are looking for a more lasting relationship, it would probably be better to wait and see how you get along in other respects. Relationships built on sexual attraction alone have a statistical track record of coming apart after about six months, the general amount of time that that chemical lasts. Then you start to get annoyed with each other for things that were there all along, but you were so crazy “into” each other that you failed to notice.
For those who try to ascribe motivations to the actions of others based on their own perspective, I will only say that you have no idea what my reasons are. To say that people with more restraint and decorum are prudish is laughable.
Tell your friend to go fuck her partner silly. Then, just out of curiosity, ask her again in six months how she feels about him. Just as a scientific follow up.

Jabe73's avatar

@iamthemob Your lucky I was just getting ready for bed. I guess the bad things I see in similar opinions to yours overrides the good you’ve mentioned. Here’s my breif take on this:

1. If more people waited until marriage there would be less unwanted/uncared for kids.
2. Less STD’s.
3. It leads to people only using other people for sex so than you have incompatable partners who got caught up in the original lust of a good sex life.
4. I agree sex life in the relationship is important but the best sex is when 2 partners grow sexually together. With your way this leads to people judging their partners just because of how much sex they’ve had with past partners.
5. This behaviour usually leads to many judging others because they didn’t “score” or have as much experience as themselves.
6. Kids who have both parents in their lives through being married grow up more emotionally healthy (not in all but most circumstances).
7. Sex becomes the sole determining factor in the relationships rather than other just as important qualities such as honesty, loyalty, compassion.
8. This sends a bad message to kids. No wonder so many teenagers are getting pregnant because they see how liberal sex has become today through adults.
9. I never said sex was unholy. I’m hardly religious. Sex should be enjoyed between 2 partners in marriage.
10. Your philosophy never leads to true love, only lust and selfishness.
11. Not everyone needs to follow what everyone else does, make your own decisions. Do not have sex because everyone else is doing it or because it’s the “normal” or cool thing to do. Go against my advice if you all will but most who disagree with me here will be burnt. Do what you will.

iamthemob's avatar

@Trillian

If you are looking for a more lasting relationship, it would probably be better to wait and see how you get along in other respects. Relationships built on sexual attraction alone have a statistical track record of coming apart after about six months, the general amount of time that that chemical lasts.

I agree that you can’t base a real, long-term relationship on sexual attraction. But you seem to suggest that having sex would interfere with one’s ability to develop the other aspects of the relationship. The above doesn’t really speak to either side of the argument.

iamthemob's avatar

@Jabe73

Really? I’m lucky?

1. If more people waited until marriage there would be less unwanted/uncared for kids
2. Less STD’s.

Both of the above are conclusory – especially considering that there has been a significant and steady decline in the rate of teen pregnancy in the past over ten years, and the majority of which can be attributed to the increased effective use of birth control. The increase is in fact due to, in a good measure, AIDS education. Therefore, these are an argument for increased education regarding SAFE sex.

3. It leads to people only using other people for sex so than you have incompatable partners who got caught up in the original lust of a good sex life.

I think that the majority of adults can determine whether they are having good sex with someone and separate that from a good relationship.

4. I agree sex life in the relationship is important but the best sex is when 2 partners grow sexually together. With your way this leads to people judging their partners just because of how much sex they’ve had with past partners.

No it doesn’t. It tells them about their own bodies, and I don’t think having sex with someone one time and it turns out bad means that you’re not going to try again if you like the person and want to know more about them. If you do, that means you’re a superficial person…not that your rating and dumping BECAUSE of sex.

5. This behaviour usually leads to many judging others because they didn’t “score” or have as much experience as themselves.

That’s not a problem with sex, but with perception of sex. That again sounds like people being generally immature rather than it being an issue with sex.

6. Kids who have both parents in their lives through being married grow up more emotionally healthy (not in all but most circumstances).

Please see my points above regarding 1 & 2. We’re talking about sex, not single parenthood. Also, there’s no reason to think that marriage can’t happen after a child is born, OR that there can’t be two parents in the child’s life without marriage – or after it.

7. Sex becomes the sole determining factor in the relationships rather than other just as important qualities such as honesty, loyalty, compassion.

Nope. I don’t know why you’re assuming this.

8. This sends a bad message to kids. No wonder so many teenagers are getting pregnant because they see how liberal sex has become today through adults.

Please, again, see above. Teen pregnancy is at the lowest rate it’s been pretty much since the 70s. This is particularly true among minority girls. This has been due to the increased ability to liberally discuss sex, and the way to practice it safely.

9. I never said sex was unholy. I’m hardly religious. Sex should be enjoyed between 2 partners in marriage.

I never said you did. But if it’s not shameful or unholy, and there aren’t really any of the negative results you mentioned above…why shouldn’t people enjoy it responsibly?

10. Your philosophy never leads to true love, only lust and selfishness.

I don’t know what you think the philosophy is, but that’s a pretty absolute statement to make. Considering that I’ve known love in my life, I also know it to be totally false.

11. Not everyone needs to follow what everyone else does, make your own decisions. Do not have sex because everyone else is doing it or because it’s the “normal” or cool thing to do. Go against my advice if you all will but most who disagree with me here will be burnt. Do what you will.

That’s the one thing I agree with it…well, the first sentence. However, suggesting that we’ll get burnt is inappropriate – sex doesn’t need to be connected to love, it can be fun, and responsibly done. If you have two people who communicate with each other, then no one gets burnt.

Seaofclouds's avatar

If the people in a relationship want to wait until after marriage, that’s their choice and there is nothing wrong with it.

@Jabe73 In regards to your comments leading to unwanted children and single parents. I married my ex-husband, then he decided he was ready for me to go off birth control so we could have a baby. Long story short, we get pregnant and when our son was 10 months old, he decided he didn’t want to be a “dad” anymore and he walked out. He hasn’t seen my son since shortly after then and he doesn’t want to. My son will be turning 9 in a few months. Luckily for me, I met a wonderful man who is adopting my son. We are married and now expecting a child together. Marriage does not guarantee a child will be loved, wanted, or grow up with both parents.

cockswain's avatar

My wife and I had sex on the first date. That was four years ago. I’m all for it.

ratboy's avatar

Given the documented importance of a good first impression, it’s only prudent to have sex on the first date. Or, maybe not. I guess it depends on one’s sexual skills.

mrentropy's avatar

I have a hard time seeing marriage as anything but a legal contract. You can be with someone, love someone, care for someone, be with them forever, and have a commitment to them all without getting married. But you need that paperwork to be able to make decisions about that other person (i.e. medical, etc), put them on your insurance (usually), and everything else that tends to lean towards the legal side of life.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

I had sex with my current fiance before our first date. And our relationship isn’t all about sex. So I say it shouldn’t matter how long you wait.

iamthemob's avatar

@Mom2BDec2010

And congratulations on bringing a child into a two parent household to boot! :-)

I am not trying to come off as flippant, and of course one example does not a rule make or break – but it does reveal the problems behind assumptions that wanting to have sex and having sex isn’t necessarily showing that you’re factoring sex into the situation in more significant manner than it deserves.

cockswain's avatar

@Mom2BDec2010 before the first date? How did that go down unintentional pun?

Loried2008's avatar

@cockswain FWB could be one assumption lol

Loried2008's avatar

@iamthemob your comment made my brain hurt… maybe I’m just super dense today but you elaborate a bit more? (what I mean is dumb that down for me) lol

iamthemob's avatar

@Loried2008

some of the posts above argued for the fact that waiting to have sex until marriage is connected to a reduction in single-parent households. I was trying to comment on the fact that this shows that’s not an automatic causal connection, but that it didn’t prove it wasn’t because it was just one example – annecdotal evidence. But it shows we should look more closely before assuming on either side.

And trying to do so in a way that demonstrated I wasn’t calling anyone out. ;-)

Loried2008's avatar

@iamthemob Ah understood :) Thank you lol

Akua's avatar

@mrentropy I agree!! People (who are supposedly NOT religious) will argue for marriage before sex. WHY? Marriage is a legal contract that was put into place to protect the rights of any offspring that came from the union. So unless your planning to have children with this person (and even if you did), what is the purpose of marriage? @Jabe73 , your right I was agreeing with people on here that expressed a similar opinion to mine because thats how I feel. I see no correlation between sex on the first date and unloved children or unwanted pregnancy. Since when is marriage a protection against abandonment and abuse? Or even MONOGAMY?!?! I have been in relationships in the past where we didn’t have sex right away and none of those lasted. On the other hand I have had sex on and before the first date (see @Mom2BDec2010) and some lasted years and some didn’t last at all but I don’t regret doing it. And anyone that has unprotected sex whether you have known them a year or a day should be wearing condoms so STD’s aren’t an issue.

mrentropy's avatar

@Akua Not to be a wet noodle on your answer, but I think marriage was originally put into place to secure land, wealth, and/or alliances. But I’m with you on the rest of it.

Jabe73's avatar

I never said marriage was a gaurentee to anything good. It was my opinion, I gave my side of it since the OP asked for the opinions of others. Some of us prefer not to be so giving on such a short notice when dating someone. Some people want to save themselves for the right person. Those of us who have this preference should be respected just as much as anybody else. Why can’t my opinion be respected as much as the others. Does this make me a lower person because I prefer to have a woman who would rather wait?

iamthemob's avatar

@Jabe73

Not at all. However, you stated your opinion in a way that made the alternative the cause of a whole bunch of social ills, and claimed that the fact that they didn’t wait to have sex meant that they wouldn’t have fulfilling relationships. I know that a lot of this was probably in reaction to having your opinion being referred to as prudish…but if you read over your post, it’s really an almost vicious statement about the lack of maturity and morality of anyone not making your choice.

Your post above is an approach I can completely respect. But personally, I think that it needs to be your choice because it feels right to you and not because you find the alternative distasteful. (that’s you in the general sense in the second sentence ;-))

Jabe73's avatar

@iamthemob only did that because of an earlier post that agreed with mine got shot down.

iamthemob's avatar

@Jabe73 – and that’s why I brought it up. ;-) But it wasn’t everyone in the thread, and when you make sweeping generalizations about all people who act a certain way because you get back handed in the thread by a couple of them, well, I felt like I was getting insulted because I made my personal choice. ;) I get it though

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