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awomanscorned's avatar

How do I get along with my parents in my situation?

Asked by awomanscorned (11259 points ) October 21st, 2010

I’m a single mom living at home with my mom, dad, and baby. When I’m not home taking care of my daughter, I’m at work, or I’m at school. I get home and just want to chill and play with my baby. However, today when I got home from work my mom starts listing things for me to do and lecturing me on how not to have an attitude. She claims I’m a self centered jerk. I’m trying to keep so many plates spinning and yeah, I’m gonna roll my eyes or give her a sarcastic answer when she tells me I need to go to bed earlier or that I should keep my room clean or she’s going to take all but 2 pairs of pants and 2 shirts from me. I’m 21. How do 3 adults and a baby live peacefully in the same house???

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20 Answers

Nullo's avatar

The path of least resistance is to be accommodating. After all, it is their house.

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Nullo's avatar

Exactly, you have no other choice. Don’t mess this up.

For many, making the effort is, if not sufficient, at least likely to keep peace and sanity. Going to bed earlier, for instance. is an easy accommodation. Keeping your room clean is another, and a healthy practice besides (and if you do have lots of clothes, you might consider boxing ‘em up for storage).

I find myself in much the same situation, though the person berating me for being a self-centered jerk is myself. And I don’t have a kid.

marinelife's avatar

Keep out of you mom’s sight as much as possible.

Work on a scenario in which you move out (even if you still use your parents as babysitters).

Try not to exacerbate the situation by mouthing off.

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Marva's avatar

I agree with @Nullo. But how about sitting your mom down for a conversation and showing her things from your point of view?
This wouldn’t be the kind of conversation where you acuse her of all of her sins, but the one where you explain you feel tired and like you are spining so many plates, and how you only want peace and quiet when you get home, and on the other hand, listen to her needs, whatever they are, and promise to try and be an easier tennant.

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Nullo's avatar

For what it’s worth, going to bed early is supposed to have all kinds of health benefits.

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FutureMemory's avatar

Get a lock for your bedroom door. Use it.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

This may not be your case, but I’ve noticed that people say, “I need this from you” and assume it will get done, particularly if they are in an authority or partnership position. There just needs to be more communication and mutual agreement about delivery.

For example, if your mom says she expects you to keep your room clean and both of you leave it at that, expectations are not likely to be met. If you say nothing, she probably assumes that you will do so and by whatever time-frame she has in mind. If you respond with, “You are right, and I can get it all done in the next four days” (or whatever is realistic based upon your schedule), then it is just a matter of sticking to your commitment.

BarnacleBill's avatar

You are very lucky that you are able to live at home and continue school, and have a support network that takes care of you and your child. It’s entirely possible that as much as your mother loves you and your baby, she wants “me” time herself, and as cranky as you feel she makes you, it’s probably double for her at the end of the day.

Be proactive when you can, and keep in mind that your mother’s view of her life at this stage didn’t include you living at home with a baby.

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BarnacleBill's avatar

It sounds like your mom is having a hard time letting go of the mom role then. There’s a saying about “too many women in the kitchen” that’s probably true. Maybe you can get your dad to watch the baby, take her out to lunch, and talk about it, when neither of you are tense. Ask her if there’s one thing that’s a hot button for her, and commit to doing that. In exchange, spell out the one thing you’d really like her to not do.

Sometimes moms need to hear that they’ve done a good job and that the way their children are at home isn’t the way they are elsewhere. I was shocked to find out that at work, my youngest daughter got there early every day, cleaned bathrooms without being asked, trained people, tidied up, kept the stock room organized, all without being told or asked to do it.

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Neizvestnaya's avatar

I vote for the path of least resistence while under their roof. Unless your mom is being abusive in some way then do your best by her until you can move on to independence. Mom’s have a way of taking over space. I use a method of “give up to win” in which I give as much of little stuff up to her or in to her way, some to ease the tension and some to keep her distracted from arguing over things we’ll never agree on.

YARNLADY's avatar

It is not possible when the mother keeps mothering and the adult child resorts to yelling and name calling. Neither approach shows much maturity.

If your mother needs to tell you to get enough sleep, it’s probably because she’s concerned about your health. Make sure you are expecting her to act like a mother – doing your laundry, picking up after you, cooking your meals and other mother stuff. The more you act like a self-sufficient adult, the more she will back off.

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YARNLADY's avatar

@noelleptc the word not is supposed to follow make sure

I am answering based on my own experience, so it will obviously differ from your situation. I never have understood name calling, so that threw me.

Julie_Prescott's avatar

Your mother is worried about you and your future. She sees the bigger picture and is probably having difficulty imagining you handling all that is to come. My youngest just turned 30 and is a parent now. I’m enjoying letting go, but it had to be a choice I made. Your mother feels needed right now with you living there, and you do need her. Mom knows you need more sleep to keep healthy—so sleep. To show her you want to be independent, come up with a plan for your future. At 21 you may be so overwhelmed with your life today that the future seems too far away. Share with her your thoughts and ask for her guidance to create a plan for you to be on your own and support your child. Then Grandma can just be Grandma, whether she lives next door or not.

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