When is or isn't the right time for a woman to report a rape?

“Which makes me think under what circumstances do a woman just chuffs off the rape, shower up and move on keeping mum about being violated?”

A woman never just chuffs it off. I think women should report it, but they have to be comfortable with doing so. There are many reasons a woman may not be comfortable doing so and no one can force her to do it. If you’ve never been raped, it’s hard to understand exactly what someone goes through after being raped. If she is not comfortable with talking to the police for whatever reason, that’s her decision. Rape violates you in a big way. Emotionally, physically, psychologically, and even spiritually sometimes. Being about to come to terms with that is a big thing and some women are so messed up after being raped that they can’t handle an interrogation from the police about what happened.

I don’t think there is ever a time when a woman “should not” report a rape. However, there are many situations in which she may not do so.

As Seaofclouds said, a woman may not feel comfortable talking to police about what happened, either because she’s embarrassed, feels “dirty”, or even guilty. Some women may feel that the rape was somehow her fault; that she was, as some misogynists have said, “asking for it”.
In some cases, the rape may have been committed by someone close to the victim, such as a family member, friend or acquaintance. In these situations, it’s easy to understand that she may be unwilling to report the incident due to fear.

I could go on, but, as I’ve not been raped myself, anything I say would be pure speculation. I suppose all we can do is hope that these poor women are able to bring themselves to report these crimes, with the goal of bringing to justice the perpetrators. Sadly, not all of them will.

jesus christ, Hypo_.

@Seelix In these situations, it’s easy to understand that she may be unwilling to report the incident due to fear. Logically one would think some dude dragged them in an alley or doped her at a frat party and if he did not end up in handcuffs what make her think he won’t be embolden and come back for seconds and 3rds, especially when he learns she won’t say anything to anyone?

Here we go again.

@Hypocrisy_Central I agree with you; the fact that she doesn’t report might make the rapist more likely to come back for more. However, this might not occur to the victim. What I meant was that she may feel that accusing/reporting the rapist might lead to estrangement from her family (e.g. if a daughter is raped by her father/stepfather/uncle etc.), losing a job, provoking another assault… Not all rapes are committed by some dude in an alley or by a guy with a baggie of roofies at a frat party. If a girlfriend says that she doesn’t feel like having sex tonight, and her boyfriend proceeds anyway, that’s rape.

There are countless situations in which a woman might feel afraid to report. You say that it’s not logical, but what needs to be understood is that rape is not only a violation of the body, but of emotions as well, and emotions are most definitely not logical.

@Hypocrisy_Central Like we discussed in your other question about rape victims, rapist get off pretty easily. Reporting a rape does not mean the rapist will go to jail and even if they do go to jail, it doesn’t mean it will be for a long time. I don’t remember where I read it, but excluding family molestation cases, rapist rarely go back for second (let alone thirds) from the same victim. I have to go take my son to school, but I’ll try to find that later.

Fear is what keeps someone from reporting a rape.

I can tell you, having been raped myself, this is not an easy question to answer. I was 15 when I was first raped. It happened to be two friends of mine. I did like one of them, but I never gave them to go ahead to do what they did to me. I cried and told them to get off me the entire time. All I heard was “you know you want it”. sigh

I told two of my friends right after it happened. They didn’t believe me. In my mind, if my friends didn’t believe me, then who would? I never told anyone else.

As for the second time, I was 19 and going to college. I was asleep in my dorm room after a night of partying. A guy that had been at the party came into my room and got on top of me. I was so out of it from the drinking I had done, but I still had told the person to stop several times. They didn’t. Again, I thought no one would believe me.

These are just examples of why someone wouldn’t report it. I honestly feel that any women that is raped should report it as soon as possible. I wish I had.

Women should always report it.

Whether they do or not depends on many things.

If she knows her attacker.

If she feels shame. Again, women should not feel shame, but many do.

If she is afraid of retaliation or the rapist threatened her or her family.

There are as many reasons as there are women. By the way, attitudes like yours: “just chuffs off the rape, shower up and move on” don’t help.

Many cases of rape are just he said, she said. Guess who the majority of men who are the ones in authority believe?

I think 1 in 6 is a “nice” statistic. It’s way higher, especially if you include child molestation, which is also very high. Society is just in denial.

I’d say she should always report it to someone. She may want support to report it to authorities, which I’d hope she would do to.

A good time could also be when there is some vindictive thug around who will want to go beat the bejeezus out of the rapist, too. ;-P

Tsk tsk. Do you think we forgot your last harangue on this subject? Really? If you are so concerned about rape why don’t you volunteer at a rape crisis center or work with convicted rapists. What you attempt to do here helps no one, and it makes you look like an ass.

@JilltheTooth that is what I was thinking…

@Seelix I agree with you; the fact that she doesn’t report might make the rapist more likely to come back for more. However, this might not occur to the victim. Every woman ought to. Even if the original rapist went on to the next gal guys have a way of feeling bullet proof especially when they have gotten away with something. After a time and no badges come knocking on his door asking him questions and a sample of his DNA he will start to brag about it to his buddies –and maybe more if he is stupid—, and if the relationship between the guy that raped her and herself is via class, job, neighborhood, etc., maybe some one he bragged to, and he will embellish, might decide they want their turn when they want to get their jollies off and the action is slow; after all, she won’t never tell so what is the risk?

What I meant was that she may feel that accusing/reporting the rapist might lead to estrangement from her family (e.g. if a daughter is raped by her father/stepfather/uncle etc.), losing a job, provoking another assault… That is why if the beloved uncle raped his 15yr old niece the uncle goes away in cuffs, no one sit around thinking not to say anything because they don’t want to draw ranks in the family or afraid of embarrassing the girl; they act to make use the beloved uncle Stop right then and there, he as no more access to her and she has no more attacks upon her. Don’t women older deserve as much?

You say that it’s not logical, but what needs to be understood is that rape is not only a violation of the body, but of emotions as well, and emotions are most definitely not logical. There are things in play that care not about how embarrass or frightened the woman is. Can she be so certain her attacker was not HIV positive, gave her herpes, something else? What if she then has sex with her husband or b/f or tries to fake it until she makes it, and infects him? Believe you me from a guy’s perspective if she tries to come off then saying ”I was raped 5, 7, 9 weeks ago and I must have gotten it from him”, it is more than not too little too late. It will come off that she got busted cheating and trying to use the nuclear option to cover her tracks by claiming rape. What if he violated her with a foreign object? Can she be sure he did not render her with a hostile uterus or something else that will make her unable to carry a child? Unless she went to med school and can give herself an examination to make sure everything down there is copasetic she has no ideal how much damage could have been done or if she was ”given” anything.

@Seaofclouds Reporting a rape does not mean the rapist will go to jail and even if they do go to jail, it doesn’t mean it will be for a long time. Burglars have a greater chance of escaping justice than a rapist but if you came home from work or dinner to find your home tossed you would not just sweep up the broken class and straighten the furniture and go to bed, I bet my donuts to anyone’s dollars 98 out of 100 people will be on the phone to the cops. The fact that X number of rapist might go free because the case was not strong enough for conviction should not mean that 100% rapist less those who were reported by a 3rd party or through medical channels because they have to, should go free because of it, should they?

@marinelife By the way, attitudes like yours: “just chuffs off the rape, shower up and move on” don’t help. That is not my attitude, that seems to be the attitude coming at me. I guess it is a guy thing but I maybe embarrassed but that embarrassment would just add fuel to my rage, there would be NO WAY in hell I would let him walk away Scot free. I would be like a dog on a bone and scram from the tallest lamp post until someone acted. Or their would be two crimes, a rape they ignored or a murder they might solve after I had killed him. If I am going to get pissed if someone steals my car or my money I am certainly going to get pissed if some one stole my booty and my hoohaa.

@psychocandy Nope, same valley but whole different river…..

@Hypocrisy_Central Burglars don’t cause as much harm as rapists. Until you are raped, you can’t judge the actions of a rape victim. Come talk to us about how you reported your rape someday and we’ll talk. You really don’t understand the type of exams and questioning a rape victim must go through in order to report a rape and then have a rapists convicted. The defense attorney can rip the rape victim to shreds on the stand and make it seem like she wanted it and asked for it. Until you are in that position, you have no way of understanding what it’s like.

@Seaofclouds Burglars don’t cause as much harm as rapists. Exactly. A burglar is only going to toss your house, steal your jewels, and cart off your laptop and CDs; basically stuff. But I will bet my donuts to anyone’s dollars out of 50 people who come home burglarized 48 will call the cops, over their stuff. So if a person will call because of their stuff, which they most likely will never see again, they would call over being attacked which is something way more than their stuff their own body and health.

Come talk to us about how you reported your rape someday and we’ll talk. I guess that would go to those in crime ridden neighborhoods that decide not to come fourth with the info on the murder and the drug dealing? After all, until you live there I guess you can’t fault them for remaining silent.

You really don’t understand the type of exams and questioning a rape victim must go through in order to report a rape and then have a rapists convicted. I suspect they are very tough questions and hard to face. Children who are molested have to man up and answer tough questions I would think a grown woman would be able to at least have enough moxie as a child when dealing with tough questions like that.

The defense attorney can rip the rape victim to shreds on the stand and make it seem like she wanted it and asked for it. Yeah, that’s is what defense attorneys do. What is better? Just let him go to rip some other woman to shreds in her bedroom? When there is a rabid dog roaming around you catch it you don’t think about how many shots you have to get because it bit you, you think of getting it off the street because someone else will get bit.

Until you are in that position, you have no way of understanding what it’s like. I don’t have to understand it or anyone else for that matter, but that don’t make it any better or worse. There are a good many things I don’t understand but not understanding them don’t make it any more or less dangerous than it is. Me not understanding the feelings a woman will feel being attacked won’t make the next woman attacked ordeal any less horrible.

@Hypocrisy_Central Do you report every crime you see? Do you report every license plate of a car that is speeding down the road or every one you see run a red light?

You don’t understand what it’s like to be violated on the level of a rape. It’s not as simple as someone just violating your person and feeling angry about it so you go and report you. The victims feel shame and blame themselves. Some go into denial because they can’t face what was done to them. To say they just don’t have the moxie to do it, is just plain out rude. Children go through a lot of trauma reporting molestation, but there are guidelines that prosecutors and defense attorneys follow in their questioning because of their age. A defense attorney isn’t going to accuse a child of being a slut, but that could very well happen to a rape victim.

I have to bow out of this discussion now because I’m letting it get to me on a personal level. In saying goodbye, I will tell you that you can’t judge rape victims unless you understand what they go through after a rape. It’s just not that simple and it’s not a matter of how my moxie they have or anything like that. Have fun.