Do you want to tell me something amusing?
The weather is cold, Christmas has been and gone, I need to hear something amusing.
Do you have anything to share – to make me smile?
A story, a joke?
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43 Answers
This morning on my way to work I drove by a new BBQ stand that opened in my area… the place was called “Smokin BJ’s” .... I spit out my coffee when I read it.
on a similar note, there is a liquor store in Salem Mass called Bunghole Liquor.
I will dig out the photo i took and post it.
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto
Hey—only 335 days till Christmas !!!
@everyone Oh I’m beginning to smile. Keep them coming please!!
@Austinlad We are not amused LOLL
One day when my son was about 3½ I was getting dressed and he walked into the room, I proceeded to put on a thong (I wore them everyday then) , he looked at me and said with the cutest 3½ year old accent “uhh mom I thing your undawear (that’s how he said it) are a wittle to small”
I really needed a smile today too, and telling you this story helped me as well. I♥My kids!
My 4 yr old daughter was at a friend’s birthday party this weekend, and couldn’t finish her cupcake. She told the host and hostess of the party, “No, I really can’t eat it! My tummy is too full- LOOK at it!” She then proceeded to lift her shirt, stick her tummy way out and smack it. She said “It even SOUNDS full! See?”
She then demanded that everyone at the party feel her tummy to see how full it was. They laughingly obliged her. It was so funny!!
this isn’t funny but rather…perhaps…quaint?
My son (he’s 4) drew me with glasses last night (I wear them all the time)...actually just glasses… for the first time…he’s not the most advanced artist to say the least artist but the fact that he’s noticed this little detail rather than just drawing a face with eyes and nose and mouth etc. moved me to tears.
OK some wee funnies… they’re not mine but made me chuckle
“Try saying “whale oil beef hooked” without sounding like an Irishman swearing”
Jack Dee (sent this one to my friend who’s Dad is Irish and she said he laughed so hard he had a coughing fit lol)
How does good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even :-)
A nose wanders into a bar and the bartender says “I can’t serve you….. you’re already off your face!”
anyone smiling yet?
huggles honeys xx
@bunnygrl HA! I am so stealing the Irish swearing for my facebook status today!
lol <hugs @WillWorkForChocolate tightly> it took me a minute or so to get it (I’m not the brightest crayon in the box lol) but when I did I laughed till my eyes were watering and I was wheezing away, brilliant! I don’t always like Jack Dee’s material but this just about killed me :-)
@partyparty I know what you mean about feeling kinda gloomy, its that January “too long till summer, weather still icky” feeling, hope you’re smiling a little now honey <hugs very tightly> xx
I am doing my homework :D
I am not doing my homework..instead I am skipping tea in favour of pistachios and a glass of red… sorry…getting off topic.. you can slap my hand…
I have some cheese jokes…...
What kind of cheese would you use to hide a horse?
Mascarpone
Which cheese would you use to entice a grizzly down from a mountain?
Camembert
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese
Teacher in class points to little Johnny & she asks..
“If I gave you twenty pounds, £20.00..
And you gave Mary, Julie & Bernadette each five pounds“.. What would you get “??
Little Johnny thinks for a minute then pipes up.
“Three blow jobs Miss & probably enough money for some pizza“…… :-/
My son was about 4 years old when (without permission) he answered the telephone. The caller realized she was talking to a toddler & politely asked him, “Could you please write down a number & show it to your Mommy?”
“Sure,” he said, “How about a 2 ?”
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue!
@cubozoa I like the nacho cheese one…made me giggle!
@blueiiznh classic :-)
oh what the hell…they’re all good!
an egg and a chicken are in bed the egg lights a cig and says “well i guess that answers that question”
One thing that used to make me crack up: If someone was coughing, my father would hold out his hand and say, “Give muvver da big pieces.”
How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
Soak it with gasoline, strike a match, and it goes “Wooofff!!!”
How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
Stick it in the freezer, and when it is frozen solid, put it on a table saw. “Meeeeeeooooooowwww”
@filmfann That will just make some of our more sensitive users go cry in a corner. Faggot. ~
@blueiiznh althoigh good for a laugh, bunghole referred to the hole made to tap a keg long before it referred to an arsehole. see here
The British Bodleian Library at Oxford just released for publishing for the first timr some 17th century off-color material in their collections, starting with The Censure of the Parliament Fart
@everybody Well thanks for all your input. Certainly laughing now.
Anything else to contribute?
What’s the difference between a dog and a fox?
Six pints
@Fred931 @meiosis is referring to the legendary “beer goggles” that men are said to wear after having consumed a few pints of their favourite alcolohic beverage. After six good pints a women they might have otherwise considered a dog or unattractive, becomes a fox or a very attractive lady. It’s a play on words, and I gave it a GA <ducks fellow female jellies throwing seashells in my direction> because I had to think about it before “the penny dropped”, and then I laughed because…. 1. @meiosis is a really nice person and wouldn’t offend anybody and…...2. it’s a clever play on words and made me chuckle :-)
huggles xx
<runs back and hugs @meiosis> xx
@meiosis look out!!! <throws buckets of hugs towards @meiosis> hee hee :-)
<hugs again, just because> xx
@anartist Your comes in quarts joke reminded me of:
What’s pink, long and hard in the morning?
The Financial Times crossword
A baby can dream easily, forgetting ghosts haunting idle jungle kangaroos, loving mothers nursing other pampered quarrelsome rascals, sucking tits under very weird xeroxed yearbook zebras.
@mattbrowne I knew I could rely on you to give an amusing and witty answer. Many thanks!
An Englishman an American also an Indian, Spaniard, Canadian a Mexican, Scotsman, Irishman, Welshman a Frenchman an Australian a Polynesian a German, Italian a Swiss a Norwegian a Serb a Croat a Pakistani an Egyptian a Greek a Turk a Chinese man a Japanese And a Korean man walk into a bar, the bartender looks up & says “ sorry fellas, I can’t serve you without a Tai”……. :-/
@Scooby Big smile, thanks :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
My four year old has had a mild cold and has been blowing her nose a lot. She just came running into my room and showed me a tissue upon which she had smeared some of her green playdough. She excitedly told me, “Look what came out of my NOSE!!!!” I giggled and said, “WOW honey, that looks just like playdough!” She screamed, “I KNOW!!!” and started laughing hysterically. I played along since she was so happy about “tricking Mommy”. Too cute.
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