Would a man really push down his emotions?
—- This is long, like a mini-novel, but really I am in need of some good non-biased advice. It’s thought out and chronologically organized though.
I like this guy friend of mine. I am a 21, a junior in college. He’s 23 years old, never been in a relationship and I am his first and only friend that’s a girl. Don’t go judge him based on these facts, please. He very focused on school and will be applying to medical school here in some months, also has 2 jobs. On to my quandary..
I met him last summer and we were just lab partners. We began by just hanging out during class, and then didn’t see each other the few weeks between quarters. He was kind, would get my lab materials for me, offered to do my part of the project when my computer broke, and we would chat on the way to our cars after class every day. I ran into him about 6 weeks after summer quarter ended and we began hanging out at school occasionally and maybe once every 3 weeks hang out elsewhere. We didn’t talk too much outside of school. We went out to a show and he briefly hand my hand afterwards then said “oh sorry”, paid for dinner that night, too. Winter break came around and I had some health issues, he became really concerned called worried 3x in a day and offered to go to my professors and speak to them since it was exam week. After I was on the mend, we hung out before classes were to start back up. On NYE I called him to wish him happy New Year, and I didn’t get a reply of any sort. He called me the next day saying “I think you’re really into me, but I am not looking for a relationship. I want to be able to call you my good friend” He kept asking if I was okay during the conversation. I didn’t really like him like that, so I wasn’t crushed.
When Winter Quarter started we started sitting together on our breaks, just us two, twice a week and hung out every other week after class outside school. It was a mutual initiation and we both would switch off driving. I had some more health issues and he said “I’m not good with emotions.. I never want anything to happen to you ever” and was very emotional. During the same conversation, he told me some personal things about him and his family and how he’s told me things that he hasn’t told his guy friends.
Then comes Mid-February and it seems as if he wants to hang out at least once a week after class and he is the one suggesting it. He always says, “whatever you want to do is fine with me.” He started to put off hanging with his guy friends and put off studying to hang out with me when I told him to go ahead and do those things. He always made sure I was feeling okay and if I wasn’t, did I need anything?
Since then we’ve definitely become closer, emotionally and physically. The hugs, longer and talks are more personal. He has been initiating about 80% of the time. He always let me pick what we do, but has recently stepped up with ideas, like the aquarium because he remembered I like the aquarium. He invited me to his house to watch movies when his mom goes out of town, and we’ve been to the Zoo – even though he said he didn’t like it before.
We went to the Zoo not even a week ago he was very excited. He reached his hand out to hold mine twice, but I was nervous. He constantly kept bumping into me, grabbing my arm, standing very close and grabbed my hand twice because he didn’t want the squirrel to attack me (ok?). We went to the park afterwards and suggested we go there at night. While there, we sat on the park bench, talked and he had his arm around me the whole time sometimes stroking my shoulder and I laid on his. He was going to drop me at my car, because we met in the middle, and he very shyly said, “I really like spending time with you and I want to hang out more, well we do and.. mumble mumble.” Then put his hands over his mouth and giggled like he was five years old.
The next day I get a message saying: “We’ve spending a lot of time together and I’ve been having a great time. It’s just that I feel like as we’re becoming closer, we’re moving away from our friendship and towards something more of a friendship. I really care for you and what we have right now. It’s not something I want to lose by making things weird between us. So let’s continue to hang out and do stuff, but just as friends. I hope you’re alright with this.” I didn’t reply and he said “everything alright?”
We ended up having 2 conversations, Tuesday and Thursday in person. Tuesday went well I thought, he said he didn’t want a relationship, me neither. But I said I had feelings for him, and if I had the choice to not get to know anyone on the level I am with him – he agreed. He was holding my hand during all this. Then he was contradicting himself saying we were very comfortable with e/o and should we give it a shot? No… we just said that- we both lead busy lives right now. He said at one point he wanted to move forward, but didn’t want to – but the feelings are still there. Confusing again.
-I got no closure really, so Thursday we talked and basically said “I don’t like like you. We could try it, but it would not be genuine. I like you, like I enjoy spending time with you, doing things and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.” I asked him if he had feelings for me because I was his only friend that was a girl he replied with “I’m just being a nice guy” BULL. Guy friends just don’t hold their friend’s hands, want to go the park at night, cuddle on the bench, want to watch movies alone at their house, constantly going to the theater, text me and ask me how my first day of classes went, remember details about me, freak out when I don’t talk to him, spend free time together. He’s fidgety around me, at the movies, when he’s literally arm and arm with me sitting next to me. BULL again. Then he goes “I’m sorry if I sent you the wrong signals.” I cried, I couldn’t help but feel like it was all a lie, but hope he was just pushing his emotions down because maybe he doesn’t know how to let someone like him or how to tell me how he feels. He changed his story in 2 days? Then he said, “We can hang out, just not as much maybe, you’ll get over it with time.” I was at a loss for words and said “I don’t know if I can do this.” He pushed my hair back from my face and told me not to cry. We left, no hug and he was trying to crack a joke.. not funny. He sent me a message last night, about 5 hours later saying – “Look we’re still going to hang out ok?” Another one this afternoon – “Hey text me back, I want to know we’re alright.” He’s got to be kidding me.
I don’t get why he made a point of saying he really liked spending time with me, if he didn’t want to progress further. It sounded like him confessing he liked me. To me, what we have been doing is DATING. I like him in the sense that I want to hold hands and cuddle, get to know him better, but not kiss him.. not yet at least. He’s not ready for that. Possibly a relationship, I just don’t know. I think he didn’t expect to like me, and he began to and wanted to hang out more, I reciprocated and he got scared. Now he’s totally in denial. Is that even possible for someone to do that? I feel like everything has been a dream and I’ve imagined it. This guy is the nicest guy I’ve met – he always makes sure I’m okay and said he “values and cares for me a lot”. He said when we’ve been in an disagreement before “Let me fix this.” Sounds like something a boyfriend would say to his girl. I feel like he’s using this nice guy persona as a cover-up for how he really feels. I’ve told family and friends and they’ve agreed that he’s into me. I just want him to be honest with how he feels, he’s showed it through his actions, so I don’t understand why he’s denying it now?
Thank you for reading this extremely long mini-novel, hopefully you can decode and give me some advice.
This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.