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wundayatta's avatar

If you discovered that someone you were falling in love with had lied about their age, how would you react?

Asked by wundayatta (58354 points ) July 21st, 2011

What would you say? What would you do? Would it bother you at all? If so, why? Could that break up your relationship? Why do you think the other person lied? If you knew they were really insecure, would that change the way you interpret their lie?

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32 Answers

dappled_leaves's avatar

If I were in love, I can’t imagine it would be a dealbreaker. At the beginning of a relationship, there’s a lot of pressure to be who the other person wants, and then it’s hard to correct the lie, even if the person thinks that was a mistake. I would ask why they had done it, though, and reassure them that they can be honest with me… and also indicate that honesty is going to be a requirement.

intrepidium's avatar

Happened to me after we’d dated a few months and things seemed to be going well (although I had other issues with him). That age issue was the last straw for me and I called it quits. He’d left his driver’s license lying around 1 day and I found out he was actually 6 years older than he said he was. Which isn’t a big deal or the point of it – I’d since dated guys both 10 years above and below my age. What I couldn’t stand was the deception – he’d claimed to be my age exactly and although he did look a bit older, I put it down to him working outdoors etc. My sense was that if he couldn’t be straight with me on something as fundamental as his age, then what else was he hiding from me?

Seaofclouds's avatar

It would depend on why they lied and if they had lied about anything else. I don’t know how long the relationship would survive after finding that out though. It would depend on if I could trust the person again. It would be hard to not let the wondering about what else they lied about destroy our relationship and to get over the constantly wondering if they are still lying about anything else. Most likely, it would destroy the relationship because it would destroy my trust.

nikipedia's avatar

I would be really confused and would definitely confront him.

Insecurity is not sexy; that would be a whole ‘nother problem.

Coloma's avatar

It would bother me and I would see it as a red flag.
IF they were open and insightful/self aware enough to express an understanding and communicate that to me, to be able to say they know they lied because they feel insecure about themselves and/or their age, I would be empathetic, however, the insecurity part would absolutely nix any desire to become more involved.

I’d see it for the red flag it is, lie about your age today because you are insecure, be emotionally outta control, jealous, clingy, controlling, possessive tomorrow.

No thanks.

KateTheGreat's avatar

This happened to me once. A guy that I dated said that he was 23. He ended up being 32 and I was appalled. I am not opposed to dating someone that age, but it was bad that he lied. I hate liars more than anything, so that was a deal breaker.

Blackberry's avatar

It would depend on a lot of things, like how old they really are, why they lied etc. I would either forget about it or leave the relationship.

intrepidium's avatar

@KatetheGreat I’m with you on that!

ucme's avatar

I’d want a refund on the extra candles used on their birthday cakes.
What a cheek!

snowberry's avatar

I didn’t “fall in love” with her. I simply loved her all my life. She was my mother and she lied about her age (really lied) her entire life. It’s sort of a reverse psychology thing. She always was a beautiful woman, but she told people she was 10 years older than she really was. This way everyone always mentioned how lovely she was (meaning for her age). I found out about this when I found her driver’s license after she died. Hey, it’s waaay cheaper than a face lift, and doesn’t cost a thing!

How weird is that?

LuckyGuy's avatar

Wait! @KatetheGreat You couldn’t tell the difference between someone who was 23 and someone who was 32? How old were you at the time, 14? Did you tell him you were 18? ;-)

At my age it doesn’t matter how old the person is so there’s no reason to lie – or care.

KateTheGreat's avatar

Umm, this was a few months ago. And he didn’t look his age.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I would not trust them and therefore would not be with that person.

ddude1116's avatar

At the end of the day, who cares. Age is trivial. However, it may lead to a whole slew of problems, which would then be troubling.

sophiesword's avatar

Age is not such a big deal, so even if the person lies about it I dont think it matters.
Besides most women are uncomfortable about telling their real age, it’s a universally known.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I wouldn’t like it but I’d hear their reason out and if they felt remorse, I’d forgive and move on.

laineybug's avatar

I would be super pissed because they lied, but their age wouldn’t matter to me. If I was really in love with them it wouldn’t be a deal breaker, but we would probably have an argument about it, and then get over it.

tko7800's avatar

I have never lied about my age although I must admit I am tempted to. I am 36 but look like in my early 20’s. No, really. Everyone always compliments me on this saying how lucky I am, but in reality I think it’s been more of a negative for me. The women that look my age are usually not interested in dating a guy that much older while the women my age feel like they’re robbing the cradle. I really hate when things are going well and that damn age question comes up to ruin everything. So while I don’t condone lying, I can kind of sympathize in certain situations.

FutureMemory's avatar

One scenario that would make it an automatic deal breaker for me would if she claimed to be of child-bearing age but was in fact over 40ish. If I want to start a family I don’t want to marry someone whose biological clock has only a few months left.

Axemusica's avatar

I’d buy new shoes.

msbcd's avatar

Well, if he wasn’t able to be honest with you from the very start of the relationship, how could you carry on with it? Personally I wouldn’t. It’s not really about the age but more about the fact that he lied to you. All the best though!

Haleth's avatar

Wow, that’s really odd. The fact that they would do this hints at deeper insecurities or issues. (Are they delusional? A compulsive liar?) If I could figure out what was really going on, we might be able to move past it. Sometimes when you tell a lie, you have to dig yourself into a deeper and deeper hole to keep it going and then it all collapses on you. Everyone does the wrong thing sometimes, and for someone I really loved, this could just be a very strange chapter in the relationship.

pashley_108's avatar

I would be pretty angry but it depends on how much older he was to me, and how much I loved him, and then seeing if I could trust him before we go anywhere..

Kardamom's avatar

I guess it would all come down to the reason why the person felt the need to lie to me. I can’t, at the moment, think of any particularly good reasons for why someone (at least men) would lie about their age. I don’t like the idea of being lied to at all, but I guess there could be some reason, pertaining to age that I haven’t thought of.

I would be really pissed off to find out that someone was either under age 18 (someone who I would not date in the first place) or someone who claimed to be over 21 (and proceeded to drink in a restaurant or bar or club). I would also be pissed off if they were claiming to be a particular age, older or younger, if they were trying to defraud someone. But on the other hand, if they needed/wanted to move into a complex that only takes people 55 years or older and this person was 53, that probably wouldn’t bother me at all. Or if they were at a restaurant that gave discounts to people 60 and older and the person was 59, that probably wouldn’t bother me either.

But if I found out that someone was 10 or more years older or younger than they were saying, I would be a little bit worried that they were lying about other things too. But I’m always willing to hear a good explanation.

Symbeline's avatar

Well, it is a lie, so that does not bode well, and a rather odd lie at that. But it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker, I mean they have to have some good reason to lie about age. I denno. Just seems odd and kinda creepy, but I guess ultimately it might depend on the reason.

Kardamom's avatar

If Alan Rickman, age 65, came up to me and said that he’d like to marry me, and by the way, “I’m actually only 25 years old.” That would definitely not be a deal breaker for me. Hubba Hubba.

Symbeline's avatar

@Kardamom He’s a vampire!

Kardamom's avatar

@Symbeline He’s the sexiest vampire-wizard I’ve ever seen ; – P

Earthgirl's avatar

This actually happened to me once.He lied about his age and his country of origin. Usually when people lie about their age it’s to make themselves younger. In this case he was only 17 but he told me he was 22. I believed him because he was living independently with his brother and supporting himself. I was 5 years older. OMG an older woman! I’m sure he knew that if he told me how young he really was, I wouldn’t want to go out with him. The lie worked. We lived together for 4 years. He lied also about his country of origin because he wanted me to think he was American. He told me he was from St. Croix when he was actually from St. Lucia. I fell in love with him and I forgave him for both of these lies. I understood where he was coming from. He wanted to be with me and he was just hiding behind these lies. They were not malicious really.
If someone lied to me about their age and told me they were younger than they really were I would assume it was out of insecurity. The sad fact is that people do engage in ageism. They have a conception of what it means to be a certain age. With women the age of perceived attractiveness is narrower than with men. I am not agreeing with this but I see it as a reality. Men are allowed to have wrinkles and still be considered attractive and sexy. Older women are not given the same admiration. So women start to feel insecure and some women start to lie about their age. After all, if someone is going to judge you by a number, then give them whatever number you think you can carry off! If they don’t care about the number (and you have to gauge if they are for real about this) then it is easier to tell the truth. So I think overall it is sad that people lie but understandable. I wouldn’t think less of someone for lying but I would feel sad that they felt insecure enough to make it necessary.

athenasgriffin's avatar

I’ve lied about my age. I said I was older than I was. (I was eighteen already, so it wasn’t like there was going to be any legal trouble.)

I’ve dated someone who lied about their age. They said they were younger than they were. It didn’t really bother me. I understood why they did it.

Symbeline's avatar

I lied about my age too. I said I was 21 when I was actually 16. Trying to get cigarettes at the gas station, and said I left my ID in the truck.

They didn’t believe me.

JessicaRTBH's avatar

I would think it was pretty typical. I usually date liars especially old ones trying to be younger.. everybody lies.

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